Grandparents not allowing me to talk to my children

[Helphusbandsadick]

Hi

i have just read a post about grandparents and it has really got me thinking and I would like to hear everyone’s thoughts on this.

grandparents often have my children, they are really good hands on grandparents BUT there is this 1 issue. They don’t like us phoning and either checking up on kids or god forbid we ask to talk to our children! That is not allowed!!!

so my children are 10 and 4. They only ever sleep out the odd night and grandparents but there have been occasions where they have slept for slightly longer. Me and hubby took my daughter to London for a little daughter time and decided it would be too much for my son and take much needed attention off my daughter. We were gone for 2 nights but 3 full days. In that whole time I asked to speak to my son 3 times and each time I was “not allowed!!!” I was fuming. I’m not checking up on then/him! I just missed my son and wanted to speak to him and find out about his day!

this is just 1 occasion (there have been quite a few!) it’s got to the point now where I don’t even txt as I feel like I’m not allowed. Luckily when my daughter is with them she has her own phone so I just txt her but they also take her phone off her at tea time and she isn’t allowed it back until the morning! I’m not sure if they are trying to teach her good habits or just stop me from talking to my kids!

Oh and when I was in hospital having my son I was in for 6 days as he was quite poorly, my emotions where all over the place and I was so homesick it was unreal, at 1 point me and son where just about to be airlifted to a special hospital but luckily he pulled through in time. I rang my husband whilst he was round at his mams (the grandparents) and I was crying on the phone and mentioned how much I missed my daughter and can I talk to her. I heard grandmother say in the background “god she only saw her yesterday” and to “tell her she will see her tomorrow at visiting” my husband just said “she is busy” and ended the call politely. He then rang me back when he was at home and put my daughter on. I wish he had just told the grandmother to go and f* off to be honest! These are my children and I feel if I want to speak to them I shouldn’t have to justify myself

AIBU???

Op, I think your mil kindly needs to be reminded that your their parent not her. If it was me I’d send a quick text just to say you have told the kids you will ring them every evening to see how their day was. Whatever she replies I would just simply say, different parents different rules. In fact whenever she says anything to do with parenting I would reply this, as you are their parent not her so whether she likes it or not it’s you that sets the rules

Nope! I wouldn't be tolerating this AT ALL!

I know you don't want to stop your children going to the Haven park this week but I would be making it crystal clear to your MIL and your husband, that if contact is withheld then they won't be having them again.

Your husband isn't going to stick up for you so you've got to stick up for yourself!

Oh and who gives a shit whether she rants and raves? Let her crack on!

Am surprised no-one has questioned a 10 years old having a mobile phone. Obviously there was going to be a back story (I DO have the MIL from hellDH backed me up and disconnected from her 14 years ago) I have 4DKs 6DGKs, oldest GS was this. When he stayed up to 12., he would sneak down,call his DM on the landline in the middle of the night to come and collect him. Second marriage for me,he's a year younger than my youngest DD. ..He wanted the TV on in the middle of the night...or all night, watching stuff not age appropriate (then being scared) she always came, even if she told him she couldn't,he became unbearable. There are rules in my house. My other DGKS tell me they want to come and live with me!!, So I can't be that bad. I don't expect mobile phones at meal tables.

What an unpleasant post. The OP has asked for advice and receiving some good advice from other PPs - the husband isn’t a waster but is most likely a victim of his mother growing up and now has FOG when dealing with her. You clearly have zero understanding of controlling parents.

Honestly, I really feel for some of you. Your PIL walk all over you.

I don't get along with mine, and I have massive problems with them, but this arises from them trying to control me/ us and I just block, out manoeuvre and generally when they are horrible to us, which they have been lots, I just make sure they are not included.

Be nice to your in-laws and treat them like gold if they are nice people. If they aren't you need to make sure they know that their actions have consequences.

Believe me, my MIL is a lot more respectful to me since I made it clear to her that any nasty nonsense will just result in her losing out, not us.

It sounds like they really love spending time with their grandkids but they need to be reminded that it is in your power to stop this contact. I don't mean this office aggressively but I mean you need to tell them that whilst you live that they have a great relationship with the kids, you need to maintain some contact and your expectation is that you will chat at least once a day with them both, even if just to say goodnight and I live you, but also that they are given freedom to message you when they choose( excepting mealtimes when having phone removed is fine)
You need to be clear that if this is not allowed, the visits will have to take place at your house so that your children can speak to you directly whenever they choose to.
It is then their choice but you need to remove this power that MIL has.
I do understand early on that if you are trying to settle a child who is away from parents, a phonecall can be counterproductive, but that is no longer the situation and now it just seems to be jealousy or something, that being with them should be enough and they should not need they mummy. They will always need their mummy though.

it’s more photos of things they are getting up to, which is exactly what I want, just little updates of how happy they are

You don’t need little updates of how happy they are though.

If there are any concerns then tell them to ring you.
If not, you’ll see the photos and find out about it when they get back.

They are there having a good time with their GP.
They shouldn’t need to keep messaging you because you need updates as you’ll give them anxiety.

Why on earth would you put up with this? Jeez some people. They are your children, ffs

It’s not that I’m worried about them at all, In fact it’s quite the opposite - I know they will be having a brilliant time, they always do. I know when they have stayed for 1 night in the past then I actually don’t need to speak to them and I’m quite alright with that although I would love to say goodnight to them but I understand it may unsettle them so I am ok with not talking until I see them the following day

my issue is on the very rare occasion they stay for longer, then I would just like to talk to them - I’m not checking up on anything, it’s just a long time to go with no contact with my children and I miss them - surely I’m not asking anything unreasonable.

this holiday I am going to put my foot down, they either allow me to speak with my children half way through the holiday or this is the last time they have them - and as for my husband he has a lot of changes ahead of him - wish he would go for a few days aswell as he is definitely my 3rd child!!!!

Absolutely fuck that. There is NO way I would allow ANYONE to deny
me speaking to my child. I cannot believe you’ve been enabling this bullshit, you have to stand up for yourself.

If my dc were staying with family and after phoning and asking to speak to them I was told I could not - I would drop everything I was doing immediately and go and collect them. Then there would probably be an almighty row and unless I got an apology and promise that it would never happen again, that would be the last time my dc were left unsupervised with them.

They are MY children and no one else gets to tell me I am not allowed contact with them. It's stepping way over the line.

If my husband refused to back me up on this, his bags would be on the lawn and he could go and stay with his mummy full time.

Honestly stop being so bloody passive! They're walking all over you because you let them.

They are YOUR fucking dc. Don't let MIL tell you no about something. Insist, demand, lose your shit and then leave. She has zero input into your parenting choices and if she doesn't like that she can get to fuck.

my issue is on the very rare occasion they stay for longer, then I would just like to talk to them - I’m not checking up on anything, it’s just a long time to go with no contact with my children and I miss them - surely I’m not asking anything unreasonable.

But these are your issues and you’re making them your children issues.

You ringing is literally just for your own benefit, not the children’s.

If they go to camp with the school you will not be allowed to do this either as it upsets them.

I would not allow my children to go anywhere that I can’t speak to them if I needed to.
But I also wouldn’t contact them unless I absolutely needed to either.

A PP said about a compromise of saying goodnight to them in the evening, which I think is a good idea.

Stop trying to change someone who won't change.

She'll ALWAYS be the same. Either accept it, or stop allowing the kids overnights and put more restrictions in place.

"MIL, I know you don't like me to call, but as their parent, I'm legally entitled to speak to them whenever I want. If you try to stop this, I WILL rethink them staying with you as it makes me uncomfortable. I can't see any logical reason why you'd want them to not speak to their own mother. It's strange."

My daughter is 10 and she always rings me when at grans house.They bake together ,they go out together ,they get upto all sorts and have loads of fun.My dd then says can I ring mum and tell her what we have just done?Gran always says yes absolutely ring mum tell her what we are doing. I would presume that was entirely normal,not this. I am sure if OP had this she would be way more settled.It shows respect and openness in my view. Gran will ring and say we are off to say Macdonalds for lunch so will be out for a bit or something like that and its just reassuring and we all get on.I am confident my dd is fine.A little care and thought goes a long way. My dd can ring anytime she likes and so can I. its unspoken and accepted.OP will never have that piece of mind with her MIL sadly and it really is so sad it could be so much better and should be.

And what would happen if you stopped your children visiting their grandparents?

my thoughts on this is actually sending a really good message to your daughter, you are all working together as a team as this is 1 of the only ways your ex will see her daughter and grandchild. I think it’s very kind and unless they are taking advantage then I would keep on the arrangement if it suits. Or the other arrangement would be your ex finds a hotel close by

They are not good with your children! They would never be looking after my kids. You are their mother. You decide what communication looks like, not them. They are disrespecting you and your relationship with your children. I would not tolerate it for a second. And your husband is being a dick.

Mine wouldn’t be staying over again. Ever.

Jesus, it gets worse. I wouldn't be bothering with her at all!

I also think a night night is a good compromise. I do not like the comparison with school trips as these don’t happen with 4 year olds and don’t understand posters saying the contact is for the op’s benefit comment. She is their mother and has to feel ok with her children going away and it is fine for her to be feeling this way with primary aged children. She does not appear the least bit controlling in this situation so posts insinuating in some way she has a personal issue for me isn’t helpful.

Stop denying or excusing your feelings @Helphusbandsadick to posters. You do this to your dp and your mil as well and need to learn to stick up for yourself. Hell would have frozen over before I would have let my dd go of at 4 and not speak to her. You will naturally learn to separate from your dc’s as they get older and you are not being controlling wanting to talk to them once a day even if it’s just one overnight.

Honestly time to set some boundaries. With DH first and then with MIL. I can't believe he stayed an extra hour at a party where she screamed at you.

My ex works away quite a bit so right now for example he is in Italy and missing "his weekend" children are unbothered and I've planned a fun weekend. However when he calls there will be sadness and pining and I miss Daddy.

I think it's easier just to let them get on with their day and they will see you when you are there.

It’s not that I don’t like the way they look after them, my kids absolutely love there grandparents and love spending time with them, it’s just if I ring or text and ask to speak with them I’m then told “no” or they are having too much fun to stop and talk with me! The latest reply is “they arnt missing you (with a laughing face 🤬)
"I wasn't asking your permission Marjorie. I want to speak to my child, & you don't get to interfere with that. Put them on now, or I will come & collect them - I'm simply not playing this game any more."

The way she spoke to you about your dog plans shows that she has a delusion that she is omniscient & all should bow before her. All of this is a power play - a pathetic dominance display. It will be hard work to put it right because you - & I imagine her entire cowed family - have allowed her to get away with it for so long.

When you put her straight, she will be outraged. So it's up to you - whether you can handle that outrage, or whether you are going to kowtow to her in this ridiculous posturing. I think you should say your piece, be prepared to back it up by collecting the DC immediately, then simply withdraw from the inevitable ranting, let her take it out on somebody else - your DH for example, who hasn't exactly been on Team You in all this has he?

Then let her know going forward that if she wants to continue the privilege of having YOUR children to stay, she stops playing stupid games about not allowing their own mother to talk to them.

This is the crux of the matter. The grandparents seem to be providing very helpful childcare for you but you need to make a decision if you want to decline the childcare due to this communication problem. Have you set it out to them as starkly as this?

What would she do if one of your DCs became ill at her house, OP? Would you be on your night out oblivious?