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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Grandparents not allowing me to talk to my children

237 replies

Helphusbandsadick · 23/10/2022 06:19

Hi

i have just read a post about grandparents and it has really got me thinking and I would like to hear everyone’s thoughts on this.

grandparents often have my children, they are really good hands on grandparents BUT there is this 1 issue. They don’t like us phoning and either checking up on kids or god forbid we ask to talk to our children! That is not allowed!!!

so my children are 10 and 4. They only ever sleep out the odd night and grandparents but there have been occasions where they have slept for slightly longer. Me and hubby took my daughter to London for a little daughter time and decided it would be too much for my son and take much needed attention off my daughter. We were gone for 2 nights but 3 full days. In that whole time I asked to speak to my son 3 times and each time I was “not allowed!!!” I was fuming. I’m not checking up on then/him! I just missed my son and wanted to speak to him and find out about his day!

this is just 1 occasion (there have been quite a few!) it’s got to the point now where I don’t even txt as I feel like I’m not allowed. Luckily when my daughter is with them she has her own phone so I just txt her but they also take her phone off her at tea time and she isn’t allowed it back until the morning! I’m not sure if they are trying to teach her good habits or just stop me from talking to my kids!

Oh and when I was in hospital having my son I was in for 6 days as he was quite poorly, my emotions where all over the place and I was so homesick it was unreal, at 1 point me and son where just about to be airlifted to a special hospital but luckily he pulled through in time. I rang my husband whilst he was round at his mams (the grandparents) and I was crying on the phone and mentioned how much I missed my daughter and can I talk to her. I heard grandmother say in the background “god she only saw her yesterday” and to “tell her she will see her tomorrow at visiting” my husband just said “she is busy” and ended the call politely. He then rang me back when he was at home and put my daughter on. I wish he had just told the grandmother to go and f* off to be honest! These are my children and I feel if I want to speak to them I shouldn’t have to justify myself

AIBU???

OP posts:
Original poster
Helphusbandsadick · 23/10/2022 07:03

malificent7 · 23/10/2022 07:00

She screamed at you wabout the dog? And you are not nc...why?

This was about 15 years ago now and I didn’t speak with her for about 2 months!! Honestly I almost split up with my husband about it. That dog has since just recently passed away of old age and she had a wonderful life! I’m sure she just takes pleasure from arguments

OP posts:
YellowTreeHouse · 23/10/2022 07:07

So this is really simple: you don’t let them see them unsupervised.

autienotnaughty · 23/10/2022 07:08

She sound like a horrible person, and it sounds like she doesn't like or respect you. You need to put your foot down if you want this to change.

I had similar with exmil, exdh was very capable of standing up to her but only did so if something bothered him! She would berate me if she felt their hair was too short. Say things like "mammy will get a smacked bottom if she does that again" to the kids usually in reference to something I'd done she disagreed with. I did stand up to her sometimes but I let her get away with a lot so nothing really changed.

Kanaloa · 23/10/2022 07:08

Why on earth have you been tolerating this for 15 years? Do you usually let people scream at you and refuse to let you talk to your own children? She’s bullying you. I’d say you need to grow up and start standing up for yourself but then you’re stuck with a husband who doesn’t so maybe just start accepting that you must send your quite young children to a bully’s house and you’re not allowed to speak to them while they’re there since after 10 years you’re unlikely to do anything about it.

NumberTheory · 23/10/2022 07:09

I find it hard to work out who is being unreasonable here because if this has been going on for sometime I can’t imagine being in your shoes and it all having been so passive and indirect. In the conversations you describe you sound like you just accept it when they say no. While I wouldn’t do it, I don’t think it’s totally unreasonable to say that a child is playing and so can’t talk right now. But I would think it unreasonable to keep to that line if the parent pushed back.

Though I would also say, if my MiL had shouted at me the way you describe regarding the dog, she would not have had sole charge of my children unless there had been a total change in behaviour and attitude. And the first sign of a return to that form would, again, have resulted in a lack of access. So I probably wouldn’t ever have been in your situation.

I think you need to develop a medium chill approach that includes never quite finding room on the calendar for her to see the kids when you aren’t there (and rarely when you are there, too)..

FailingMum81 · 23/10/2022 07:09

Helphusbandsadick · 23/10/2022 06:29

Thank you for your replies I’m glad I’m not being unreasonable. My husband thinks I should leave it and let them have there alone time with my kids. Honestly it’s not like I’m ringing non stop.
i always get a reply of either No he is busy! Or he isn’t missing me at all and is playing right now so no I cannot speak to him! It drives me insane. Luckily when my daughter does have her phone she texts me quite often. I have since learnt that she hides the fact she is texting me from her nana!!!! She is 10 and has learnt to do this so surely that’s a bit off!!!

Gosh this all sounds like red flag city to me. I can sympathise with certain parts as I too am DIL black sheep and husbands brothers wife can do no wrong - in your quoted scenario they wouldn't ever ring to speak to their kids because they go away etc to have a 'break from them' and my MIL promotes this so I think a similar scenario would happen to me if we were away in that she would be saying things like 'XxX isn't ringing to speak to their kids all the time so why do you have to'......with that being said, they aren't interested in my DD for this exact reason so wouldn't ever happen as such - but one thing I know for 100% is I wouldn't be wanting to leave my DD anywhere where I wasn't 'allowed' to communicate with her whenever I wanted to or people were enforcing rules that weren't mutually agreed between us beforehand. I am a little staggered about the reference to when you were in hospital though and DH behaviour so maybe it needs to start with that as this could be why they think it's acceptable?

Original poster
Helphusbandsadick · 23/10/2022 07:09

PoseyFlump · 23/10/2022 07:03

I suffered CSA as a child and it was incredibly difficult for me to allow my children to sleep over with anyone. I could count on one hand the people I could trust. I would not have been able to cope with this situation. I'm sure she's doing it to stop the children getting upset when they talk to you but it's not fair on the children to feel like they have to secretly text you or navigate this situation so they don't upset the adults. She doesn't sound like someone who is going to take kindly to you trying to discuss it either.

You are incredibly accurate on this! A conversation about this would not go down very well at all!! My son is quite difficult with us and is sometimes out of control - think toddler screaming in a supermarket because he wants a red apple not a green 1 🫣 when we try and speak with her abouts sons behaviours all we get is “well he doesn’t act like that with us” I told my husband to tell them to please stop saying that as it doesn’t help our situation. He did tell them (first time he has stuck up for me) and now all she says to me is (well he doesn’t act like that with us, but don’t tell Steve as he doesn’t like that when we say that!!!) in a very strange way. As if she knows it’s me that has said this so she is trying to have another pop at me!!! - this might just be me being paranoid though so I’m kind of trying to ignore this!!

OP posts:
Montague22 · 23/10/2022 07:14

That’s so controlling. You need to set out your view point to your husband and he needs to pin his colours to the mast. It’s time for you to be more demanding than her. If this doesn’t work I’d be prepared to just stop them staying over.

Sounds like she’s used to being the head if the family. She is not the head of your children.

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 23/10/2022 07:16

Don't let her have them again until she can respect you. And tell your pathetic husband to grow a spine and defend you.

lentilly · 23/10/2022 07:17

I wouldn't allow her to look after your children if I were you. I know they enjoy their time but it's not on to refuse contact. My grandma used to make me call my parents on like day 2 of a visit (before mobiles) and mum was free to phone any time. I can't even imagine how it must feel to not be able to speak to them.

Montague22 · 23/10/2022 07:17

I also had similar when I was in hospital with a 25% chance of dying. She was texting DH about what a fun time they were having and they couldn’t wait to do it again….. I had to point out how inappropriate that was!

lannistunut · 23/10/2022 07:18

I would make this the last visit and say no more. They sound awful.

Bramblestar · 23/10/2022 07:20

My kids dont sleep out very often and I'm not prevented from ringing them but grandparents will say, 'go out and enjoy yourself, we would ring/text you if we needed to speak to you about the kids'. This is done to stop me worrying and almost provide permission to have some guilt free child free time. However, if i asked directly to speak to them, they might say he's playing, hang on and try and get him to phone (doesnt always work, cars are clearly more fun than talking to me 🤣). Do you think she is doing this type or thing or just refusing?

DP really needs to support you to challenge MIL.

LadyHarmby · 23/10/2022 07:21

My children would not be going there.

Questionaboutjoboffer · 23/10/2022 07:22

Same - what a horrible person your MIL is. She has no right to do this whatsoever. She is hurting you and your children.

PinkCheetah · 23/10/2022 07:24

I'm absolutely sick and tired of these bullish nightmare grandparents on MN thinking they can take liberties with their DGC.

How old are you OP? You strike me as young. Why are you letting this happen? You're the parent, not them. You're permitting this awful behaviour then complaining on the internet afterwards.

Put your foot down today. Stop them from looking after your children immediately until they understand that when you command it, they put your children on the phone asap.

I always think it's very very sinister when a grandparent refuses you to have contact with your own children.

InFiveMins · 23/10/2022 07:24

Stop putting up with it, from now. Ridiculous that they are telling you that you're not allowed to speak to your own kids!

Ottersmith · 23/10/2022 07:25

Why do you even spend any time with her? You know you can just stop seeing her don't you? And your husband should know the reason why is because he refuses to stick up for you. I wouldn't be leaving my kids with her at all.

Mummyoflittledragon · 23/10/2022 07:25

This has to stop op. Screw the consequences of what she says to you. She is taking your dcs away. You tell her that if she doesn’t ensure you speak to your children every single day this holiday they won’t be having your dcs overnight ever again. And mean it and that is even if you’re massively inconvenienced by it.

Let her rant and shout. She is the child and using this as a way to control you. You are probably actually quite intimidating to her and are strong in a quiet way. So use that strength and stick up for yourself.

Tell her she has disrespected you for the last time. Then repeat your rules and tell her if she doesn’t stop her childish rant now she won’t be taking the children away this week at all.

Above all, stay calm. She is looking for you to do one of two things. Fight or back down. Instead you stay the calm adult. Role play it with a friend or your dp if you are able.

ChubbyMorticia · 23/10/2022 07:27

It would be a frigid day in Hell before someone told me I wasn’t allowed to talk to my child, or that my child had to sneak to text me.

I’d cancel the 3 day trip.

Pigsinmuck · 23/10/2022 07:27

What you love is the free childcare, not the fact that they are hands on.

Your MIL sounds like a bully and there is no way I would expose my children to this, not for all the free childcare in the world. It’s damaging to them to see their mother being disrespected in this way.

You’ve sold yourself to someone who bullies and degrades you in-front of your children, all for some free childcare, make a choice on whether it’s worth it.

pewtypie · 23/10/2022 07:27

You are being very passive, OP.

Tell your MIL you will speak to your children and she is not allowed to take dd’ds mobile from her.

And don’t send your dc there until they get it.

Start with this 3 day trip. Tell DH to tell MIL that we will speak to our kids and she needs to give them the phone (and not take dd’s phone away).

If MIL refuses, say kids won’t be going there. And mean it.

pewtypie · 23/10/2022 07:28

And I would never have gone into MIL’s house after she shouted at you, the cunt.

IncompleteSenten · 23/10/2022 07:30

I'd stop letting them have the kids.

They don't sound great and there's no way it's a good environment for the children to be in, no matter how much they love them right now. You have no idea what they're saying to them or what they're overhearing.

Notagain12 · 23/10/2022 07:33

Wow! There is no way I’d allow this! I would put my foot down. I would say ‘you can spend time with the kids but I want to be able to talk to them whilst they’re with you. If this is an issue then that’s ok we won’t bring them over again’ see what they say to that.

They’re being controlling. I don’t let my MIL have my ds.. not that she’s offered but I wouldn’t trust her with my dog let alone my child!

It would worry me if they’re this controlling about you talking to the children, what else are they doing that you’d not appreciate?!

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