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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Grandparents not allowing me to talk to my children

237 replies

Helphusbandsadick · 23/10/2022 06:19

Hi

i have just read a post about grandparents and it has really got me thinking and I would like to hear everyone’s thoughts on this.

grandparents often have my children, they are really good hands on grandparents BUT there is this 1 issue. They don’t like us phoning and either checking up on kids or god forbid we ask to talk to our children! That is not allowed!!!

so my children are 10 and 4. They only ever sleep out the odd night and grandparents but there have been occasions where they have slept for slightly longer. Me and hubby took my daughter to London for a little daughter time and decided it would be too much for my son and take much needed attention off my daughter. We were gone for 2 nights but 3 full days. In that whole time I asked to speak to my son 3 times and each time I was “not allowed!!!” I was fuming. I’m not checking up on then/him! I just missed my son and wanted to speak to him and find out about his day!

this is just 1 occasion (there have been quite a few!) it’s got to the point now where I don’t even txt as I feel like I’m not allowed. Luckily when my daughter is with them she has her own phone so I just txt her but they also take her phone off her at tea time and she isn’t allowed it back until the morning! I’m not sure if they are trying to teach her good habits or just stop me from talking to my kids!

Oh and when I was in hospital having my son I was in for 6 days as he was quite poorly, my emotions where all over the place and I was so homesick it was unreal, at 1 point me and son where just about to be airlifted to a special hospital but luckily he pulled through in time. I rang my husband whilst he was round at his mams (the grandparents) and I was crying on the phone and mentioned how much I missed my daughter and can I talk to her. I heard grandmother say in the background “god she only saw her yesterday” and to “tell her she will see her tomorrow at visiting” my husband just said “she is busy” and ended the call politely. He then rang me back when he was at home and put my daughter on. I wish he had just told the grandmother to go and f* off to be honest! These are my children and I feel if I want to speak to them I shouldn’t have to justify myself

AIBU???

OP posts:
MILLYmo0se · 23/10/2022 07:34

You cant have it both ways unfortunately, either you go without the babysitting or you have to put up with the way MIL does it. You and DH arent able to stand up to her and insist you speak to your children so the babysitting ends immediately.

Notagain12 · 23/10/2022 07:35

Helphusbandsadick · 23/10/2022 07:09

You are incredibly accurate on this! A conversation about this would not go down very well at all!! My son is quite difficult with us and is sometimes out of control - think toddler screaming in a supermarket because he wants a red apple not a green 1 🫣 when we try and speak with her abouts sons behaviours all we get is “well he doesn’t act like that with us” I told my husband to tell them to please stop saying that as it doesn’t help our situation. He did tell them (first time he has stuck up for me) and now all she says to me is (well he doesn’t act like that with us, but don’t tell Steve as he doesn’t like that when we say that!!!) in a very strange way. As if she knows it’s me that has said this so she is trying to have another pop at me!!! - this might just be me being paranoid though so I’m kind of trying to ignore this!!

Show quote history

Oh and this… kids misbehave for their parents because it’s where they feel most comfortable! My son does this after nursery or behaves differently when we are in family situations and we are present!

She is talking to you like a child still and you’re letting it happen! Get a back bone and stick up for your kids… if she can’t respect your wishes.. fuck her!

donttellmehesalive · 23/10/2022 07:38

I was going to come on to defend them. I thought they might be doing it to prevent the children becoming upset (the same way we discourage children on residential trips from phoning their parents) and I do think you have to allow them some leeway if they offer regular childcare.

But the story about you asking to speak to them while you were in hospital is awful. From subsequent posts it sounds as if they don't like your style of parenting and maybe think you are too indulgent. Obviously that is not their call to make and they should be trying harder to conceal their feelings about this.

I would ask the children whether they would like a daily call (or whatever you want). When they say yes, tell dd that this has been agreed and you expect his support to make it happen. When you drop off tell them 'dc, dp and I have agreed that I will call at X time' and that's that. If that call was refused, I would not be leaving my children there again regardless of how convenient the babysitting.

Original poster
Helphusbandsadick · 23/10/2022 07:41

Kanaloa · 23/10/2022 07:08

Why on earth have you been tolerating this for 15 years? Do you usually let people scream at you and refuse to let you talk to your own children? She’s bullying you. I’d say you need to grow up and start standing up for yourself but then you’re stuck with a husband who doesn’t so maybe just start accepting that you must send your quite young children to a bully’s house and you’re not allowed to speak to them while they’re there since after 10 years you’re unlikely to do anything about it.

Yes I think if I start standing up to her now, it would then result in the decline of my marriage as I would then realise how little my husband stands up for me!! He is definitely pathetic when it comes to confrontations and it’s usually all my fault - even though 75% of the time it completely isn’t. About the dog argument I was then told off by husband for storming off and how rude it was!!! My jaw hit the floor! I then didn’t speak to him either for a very long time and also moved back in with my mother! think the only reason me and hubby got back together was due to the fact I couldn’t handle living back with my mother

montague22 yes this is exactly what she does, always txting saying how much the kids enjoy being with them and how they are having the best time ever - even when it’s the most inappropriate time!

she will never respect me, I’m unsure as to why though - i just don’t think she liked me from the start and maybe hoped me and hubby wouldn’t last

OP posts:
PiscesScot · 23/10/2022 07:42

Vikrum · 23/10/2022 06:37

Stop them having the kids overnight. Simple as that. And it really is. Yes, you anticipate her having an issue, but tell her they don't miss her and they're busy at home right now, she only saw them recently when you visited and she will see them again soon when you visit again. Polite, firm tastes of her own medicine.

This is perfect!

TheHouseonHauntedHill · 23/10/2022 07:42

@PinkCheetah

Then they will wonder why they don't see their gc as much.
Unfortunately it sort of becomes someones normal until you can't take it anymore.

There is a huge drive in UK to get grandparents rights enshrined like France.

KatherineJaneway · 23/10/2022 07:44

I've read your other threads and you have a massive DP problem. The grandparents are just a mild irritation compared to your DP.

Mummyoflittledragon · 23/10/2022 07:46

And I forgot to say, also tell your mil your dd is allowed access to her phone whenever she wants. When she goes to bed it is to be left on the kitchen counter in case she needs to text or call you in the night.

At 10 op, your dd could start her period soon and it could be on your mil’s watch. God knows how this woman would deal with it. But you don’t want your dd traumatised by the situation.

It is lovely that the children get on with her so well. But this isn’t an episode of the sitcom Bread; you and your children should not be collateral damage. She is not part of your nuclear family and she is not the boss.

You should be teaching your children to stand up to people like these and explaining to your children what happened in an age appropriate way. When my dd was about 7 and with ongoing family issues, my dd started to become a target. This was the beginning of the end for me. I didn’t confront the person for my physical safety. But I took dd aside and talked to her about tall children (ie adults, who are still children inside). A few months later, having been deliberately physically hurt by this person on 2 separate occasions, we went nc. I also had to deal with my mother, who was siding with this person and reset the boundaries there.

Your mil can be a lot of fun. Your children can have great fun with her. This still doesn’t mean she isn’t toxic and needing supervision. Your dh isn’t capable of safeguarding them with her as he’s still in the FOG (fear, obligation and guilt). Things can change.

Novum · 23/10/2022 07:47

for instance my son had a cough for a few months. She told me to take him to drs and also ask about his sinuses as he is quite a loud breather - I did this and when I told her drs have said put him on inhaler and they will need to investigate his sinuses and possibly operation - she then asked me why I mentioned about his sinuses!!! 😵she is very hard work!!!!

My son is quite difficult with us and is sometimes out of control - think toddler screaming in a supermarket because he wants a red apple not a green 1 🫣 when we try and speak with her abouts sons behaviours all we get is “well he doesn’t act like that with us”

So stop telling her about these things. You know she will only use them as an excuse to tell you you are doing everything wrong and that there is no problem when the children are at theirs. And either start cutting down the amount of time your children spend there or make it clear it won't happen unless you can talk to them when you want to.

Worthyornot · 23/10/2022 07:47

Well it's your fault for allowing this time and time again?? Who on earth allows this?

AndAllOurYesterdays · 23/10/2022 07:48

As someone who has never had any free childcare from grandparents, I'd say you need to think about what you'd do if you do push the issue and they do stop having your kids. For example, are they having them for three days

Original poster
Helphusbandsadick · 23/10/2022 07:49

PinkCheetah · 23/10/2022 07:24

I'm absolutely sick and tired of these bullish nightmare grandparents on MN thinking they can take liberties with their DGC.

How old are you OP? You strike me as young. Why are you letting this happen? You're the parent, not them. You're permitting this awful behaviour then complaining on the internet afterwards.

Put your foot down today. Stop them from looking after your children immediately until they understand that when you command it, they put your children on the phone asap.

I always think it's very very sinister when a grandparent refuses you to have contact with your own children.

Hi I’m 39 so not exactly young! Me and hubby have been together since I was 19!

I think when they have my children for 3 days this week I will insist on speaking with them and if not allowed this will be there last stay until she changes.

the reason why I have allowed this to go on for so long is because my husband told me to drop it! They have only ever really stayed for 1 night so I suppose that’s fine to have some alone time and not worry about them, it’s just really upset me the odd times where they have been away longer and I’m made to feel almost rude for asking to speak with them - my husband could go for weeks without contacting his children but I was brought up differently and want to know how there day has been or to say good morning to them!

OP posts:
AndAllOurYesterdays · 23/10/2022 07:49

Sorry, pressed post too soon.

Are they having them this week because you need to work, or is it just to give you a break over half term or because it's a nice treat for the kids?

AndAllOurYesterdays · 23/10/2022 07:49

Sorry, pressed post too soon.

Are they having them this week because you need to work, or is it just to give you a break over half term or because it's a nice treat for the kids?

NancyJoan · 23/10/2022 07:49

Just stop. You are letting her walk all over you. Let the kids go for a few hours, when you wouldn’t need to speak to them anyway, then pick them back up.

Miajk · 23/10/2022 07:50

Helphusbandsadick · 23/10/2022 06:43

Yes I definitely do have a dp problem. He has literally no backbone when it comes to confrontation and will never have my back.

Many years ago before our children we where at a party at there house, we told them we were getting a dog. His mother literally shouted at me like a child, in front of everyone (there where 18 people in the house at the time, all his family members) saying how I can’t even look after myself, let alone a dog!!! My husband didn’t say 1 thing! She was literally screaming at me! I walked out of the house and went home in tears, alone!!! My husband came home 1 hour later! So god knows what was said when I left! Also I don’t understand how she has this impression of not being able to look after myself, I have owned my own home since I was 18 and it is always clean, beds made daily, food in our cupboards etc etc

I do think these overnight stays need to stop until she learns I am the parent and not her. She also constantly gives me advise about parenting, when I tell her I have followed her advice she then replies with “I wouldn’t have done it that way!!! 😫

for instance my son had a cough for a few months. She told me to take him to drs and also ask about his sinuses as he is quite a loud breather - I did this and when I told her drs have said put him on inhaler and they will need to investigate his sinuses and possibly operation - she then asked me why I mentioned about his sinuses!!! 😵she is very hard work!!!!

So you knew he's like this before kids and thought having kids with him is a good idea?

thelobsterquadrille · 23/10/2022 07:52

Are you sending them because they provide free childcare?

I really don't understand why you've tolerated this for a decade.

Newuser82 · 23/10/2022 07:52

No, I wouldn't allow this either. In fact if they wouldn't let me check up on them or talk to them I wouldn't leave them there.

MRex · 23/10/2022 07:52

The few occasions DH or I haven't been around at bedtime, we have a call with DS. When it's been both of us he's only been with his uncle or grandpa. He will sometimes cry, because he's missing us, then he gets a hug better from the person with him, so he knows he's loved. We know he isn't suddenly not missing us if we don't call, because he'll ask about us and ask for a call; because they love him they call. We don't have anyone else look after him for a full overnight nor multiple days yet, but really wouldn't want him to be with someone who was trying to disrupt that connection. As he gets older, I expect we might have a longer gap and a call won't be necessary every night, but certainly as a 4 year old I can't imagine leaving him with someone who won't let us contact him nor him contact us.

I think these relationships get tricky because parents are determined to leave the children, prioritising that over thinking about all the aspects of childcare. First is safety, then meeting basic needs, and finally happiness. If you consider whether children are being left with appropriate people or not, you ought to make sure all needs are met, not just that they will be uninjured and fed. Maybe you have been trying to think it through over the years OP, but it's time to consider if your children are actually happy staying there, or if this behaviour is causing them a problem. If it is, then you have your answer, they simply can't stay any more.

Autumninnewyork · 23/10/2022 07:52

Your MIL sounds like an absolute nightmare. However, shouldn’t it be your children calling you if they want to speak to you, not you calling them? I don’t call my young children (5 and 7) if they’re with relatives as I don’t want to disrupt their time and remind them to miss me. However in your situation I’d be concerned that even if my children wanted to speak to me they wouldn’t be allowed. That’s messed up

Whataretheodds · 23/10/2022 07:53

You have a DH problem as well as a MIL problem.

Definitely stop using them for free childcare and give your husband an ultimatum.

Apollonia1 · 23/10/2022 07:53

I would cancel the 3-day trip.

Otherwise, tell her that would want to speak to the kids when you ring. If she blocks it, you will be driving there immediately to pick up the kids, and she'll never have them overnight again.

Skatewing · 23/10/2022 07:54

If you get a solicitor, I think you will discover that if he has transferred assets/money to avoid paying, it can still be taken into account.
The law doesn't take too kindly to this kind of action.
I speak from experience.

Skatewing · 23/10/2022 07:54

Sorry, I know that wasn't what you asked, I'm just trying to help as what he has done doesn't protect him like he thinks.

hettie · 23/10/2022 07:56

I think when they have my children for 3 days this week I will insist on speaking with them and if not allowed this will be there last stay until she changes.
if you are going to do this you need to tell them this and get agreement before you drop them. You'll need to be clear, not get into a debate and repeat the request and say "can you agree to this". Google assertive communication and grey rock techniques.