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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To cancel a play date in half term

220 replies

RosieLeaLovesTea · 22/10/2022 11:34

Hi all
we moved into a new house 2 months ago in a new area. Childre have changed schools.

I arranged a play date in half term for my children as they have we missing friends from their old school.

yesterday I came home to find my DD who is 8yrs old had pulled her curtain rail off her wall with 2 brackets completely off hanging on my a 3rd. We have been here only 2 months! Also I had given DD made to measure curtains from our old room that cost £500. So not cheap.

my DH has said to cancel the fun play date arranged in. Half term as a consequence.

I feel bad for her but I think I agree. She has to learn. We have only been here two months. We have bought new items and we
dont want them reuined.

She is 8 yrs old not 3.

wwyd?

OP posts:
iamjustwinginglife · 22/10/2022 14:49

She needs a consequence but one that takes place before the play date-then you'll need to let it go.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 22/10/2022 14:52

Please dont do this. Dont take away her little bit of security that she’ll see her old friends, who she probably didn’t want to leave.

MsTSwift · 22/10/2022 14:59

God it might have just been an accident. I did this in our house and Dh tried to fix but was basically nothing there had to get our builders in to infil whole wall cost hundreds. Joys of an old house….Agree with the majority your suggestion is retribution totally ott

Bumpsadaisie · 22/10/2022 15:00

Some appropriate consequence yes.

But she is still young. She's had an upheaval. Keeping up with her old friends is an important part of helping her adjust to change.

I think it would be punitive.

I would make her repair the damage and perhaps get her some very plain cheap v curtains.

Thatiswild · 22/10/2022 15:06

Yeah I agree with lots of PP that the consequence doesn’t relate at all to what she did. Also it’s not immediate and it has an effect on the friends too, which is unfair.

I will never forget being in a similar situation waiting for friends to arrive for a play date, my kids were by the window for about 40 mins as they hadn’t arrived, me having tidied the house, prepared tea etc and my friend finally texted me saying they weren’t coming as her two had behaved badly and didn’t deserve the play date.

I was honest with my kids and explained, but they were very upset and it left me in a really difficult position as obviously they hadn’t done anything wrong. I did understand, but at the same time I couldn’t help be a bit annoyed I had to deal with the fall out too. I know people who’ve done this with parties too, which again feels very unfair on the birthday child and their parents.

StrangerOnline · 22/10/2022 15:17

Mariposista · 22/10/2022 12:15

Make her do ‘community service’ to win back the privilege of the playdate (she doesn’t need to know that you haven’t cancelled it’. She has to clear the table, load and unload the dishwasher, hoover, clean the sinks, unpack the shopping and any other chore you can find her to do. Once she does it, praise her, chat about why she did it, get an apology and forgive.

OP - I hope you have the courage to come back and that you do listen to the majority of posters telling you that we think this is too hard…? (You DID make the mistake of asking? And yes, we think YABU!)

You don’t say whether this was an accident or done intentionally… big effect on what kind of consequences are required. Maybe she just needs a stern conversation about being careful, and a lot of understanding while she transitions to her new life?

But if it was intentional then I’ve been thinking about what kind of consequence would be appropriate for the ‘crime’ as many people have said your DH’s idea is too extreme but not too many suggest what they WOULD do in this case (which was the question you asked on OP).

I think a talk about how you and DH are trying to make a nice home for the whole family, and reminder that things cost money. As she has caused damage to the home then some extra chores to make the house nicer for you all would be fair - this ‘community service’ idea regarding chores would be age appropriate and ‘fit the crime’ .

If you feel it was particularly malicious, or not a first time offence, then also holding back screen-time or sweets etc would be more appropriate than cancelling much needed social interaction, which also affects 3rd parties

Whitewolf2 · 22/10/2022 15:18

I think it’s overkill to cancel a play date for something that could have been an accident, sounds like your daughter needs more support not punishment after you’ve uprooted her from her friends. It’s also pretty rude to the people you made plans with!

ToooMuchToDo · 22/10/2022 15:30

Well I presume she didn't pull them off on purpose! I expect she was just playing by hanging from them or pulling them for some reason, and has now seen the consequence (I did daft things like that as a kid without thinking! It's how we learn)

No. Do not cancel the play date! Poor little thing 😿

WhereYouLeftIt · 22/10/2022 15:33

RosieLeaLovesTea · 22/10/2022 11:34

Hi all
we moved into a new house 2 months ago in a new area. Childre have changed schools.

I arranged a play date in half term for my children as they have we missing friends from their old school.

yesterday I came home to find my DD who is 8yrs old had pulled her curtain rail off her wall with 2 brackets completely off hanging on my a 3rd. We have been here only 2 months! Also I had given DD made to measure curtains from our old room that cost £500. So not cheap.

my DH has said to cancel the fun play date arranged in. Half term as a consequence.

I feel bad for her but I think I agree. She has to learn. We have only been here two months. We have bought new items and we
dont want them reuined.

She is 8 yrs old not 3.

wwyd?

Jesus wept. So many things wrong here @RosieLeaLovesTea .

  1. Punishment should be immediate, not delayed by so much as a day never mind until half-term.
  2. Punishment should match the 'crime'. Damaging something should be punished by repairing it, foregoing pocket money to pay for the repair, doing without the damaged item or similar.
  3. Cancelling a play date as punishment for the curtain rail is inappropriate. Had she been nasty to the play date invitee or hit another child on a play date, THEN it would be appropriate. For damaging something in her room it is totally inappropriate.
  4. £500 curtains, I'll assume interlined and weighty - was the rail appropriate to their weight? If it wasn't, they could have already pulled on the brackets and opening or closing the curtains would have finished it off.
  5. Was the rail properly attached, because if it was she'd have to have been swinging from them like Tarzan to pull it off. Who attached the curtain rail? You say it's a new house - new to you, or new new? Because new-builds are often full of snags and the brackets might not have long enough screws etc. If you attached it yourselves I'd be asking the same questions - did you do the job properly?
  6. Assuming the rail was well-fixed and she was indeed swinging from them like Tarzan - have you established why? Has she ever done this sort of thing before or would this be new behaviour? If it is new behaviour, what has changed (hint - you have changed her entire environment by transplanting her to a new home and new school).
  7. Intent - swinging like Tarzan, was it her intent to pull the curtains down, or was she in an imaginary world?

So, you asked - WWYD? Well for starters I would NOT be cancelling this playdate! I'd be checking I hadn't fucked up with the curtain rail and then I'd be asking her how it happened - and I find myself wondering if you've talked to her at all about it since you haven't mentioned it AT ALL.

I'd keep in mind that moving her from her old home and school might have distressed her more than she's letting on, and that as the adult, it was on me to establish how she's managing.

And I absolutely would not be cancelling this play date! That would be beyond cruel. Are you cruel? Is your husband cruel? Or are you just thoughtless?

BellePeppa · 22/10/2022 15:38

Grrr I hate this type of parenting! No one considers the friends who might be excited at seeing your dd or the parents having to tell their kids they can no longer go.

BellePeppa · 22/10/2022 15:42

Thatiswild · 22/10/2022 15:06

Yeah I agree with lots of PP that the consequence doesn’t relate at all to what she did. Also it’s not immediate and it has an effect on the friends too, which is unfair.

I will never forget being in a similar situation waiting for friends to arrive for a play date, my kids were by the window for about 40 mins as they hadn’t arrived, me having tidied the house, prepared tea etc and my friend finally texted me saying they weren’t coming as her two had behaved badly and didn’t deserve the play date.

I was honest with my kids and explained, but they were very upset and it left me in a really difficult position as obviously they hadn’t done anything wrong. I did understand, but at the same time I couldn’t help be a bit annoyed I had to deal with the fall out too. I know people who’ve done this with parties too, which again feels very unfair on the birthday child and their parents.

Absolutely hate it. My son’s best friend didn’t go to his party because he’d been naughty. My son was very upset and I was fuming at the parents. I didn’t think badly of the ‘naughty’ child but I did think less of the parents.

BellePeppa · 22/10/2022 15:47

chargeback · 22/10/2022 12:23

YANBU. I'm guessing she's pulled them off deliberately because she doesn't like them or she doesn't like something else in her room.

She has behaved like an utter brat and I think you should cancel the playdate.

Ridiculous.

Bigfishlittlefishcardboardfox · 22/10/2022 15:49

I’d see it as probably due to one or more of

  • us as parents being stressed with the move or distracted so not supervising (natural not criticising!)
  • the child struggling with a change
  • the curtains actually weren’t well put up
  • the child just had no idea they could fall down

I wouldn’t cancel the play date but I would talk to them about how we can let out our feelings in healthy and unhealthy ways. I’d also make them help me fix the curtains in some way, however they are able.

KettrickenSmiled · 22/10/2022 15:54

So you've taken an 8 year old away from her friends, put her in a new school, she's messed around in her room & caused an accident to her curtains ... & you reckon it's proportionate to make her miss out on the company of her old friend as a consequence?

Why are you slavishly backing your horribly punishment-minded DH, instead of talking to your daughter to find out how & why she messed up? And coming up with a proportionate, rational consequence?

chopc · 22/10/2022 16:02

I hate it when play dates are cancelled at this age as the other child is also receiving the punishment

Livpool · 22/10/2022 17:25

YABU OP - completely over the top punishment. The price of your second-hand curtains is irrelevant

Sh05 · 22/10/2022 20:19

If an 8 year old has pulled down a whole curtain rail it means it wasn't properly fixed to the wall.
And a collapsing rail will not have have ruined your £500 curtains.
Who even pays that much money for one set of curtains??

Geppili · 22/10/2022 21:51

Jesus! Poor poor kid. Your DH sounds like he is emotionally illiterate. It is just a curtain rail. Probably not fixed well. I'd be more concerned for her safety. The focus you put on the cost of the (presumably) undamaged curtains reveals your priorities.

Geppili · 22/10/2022 21:52

My kids used to have playdates every week and we have never moved. I feel really sorry for your daughter.

Aria999 · 23/10/2022 13:10

Agree with pp don't cancel the play date, not fair on the other kids.

Cheeseandpineappleonastick · 23/10/2022 13:14

I would find a different punishment as cancelling the playdate also punishes the other child/children who were looking forwards to spending time with your daughter.

Take away pocket money or something instead.

SnackSizeRaisin · 23/10/2022 13:19

I would arrange a few more playdates during half term for your 8 year old. Seeing friends only once all week sounds very lonely. While she's out you can fix the curtain rail and do a parenting course with DH.

honeylulu · 23/10/2022 13:26

If she did it deliberately then there should be some sort of appropriate consequence. Your DH is wrong that it should be cancelling the play te due various reasons.

It's not closely connected enough to the incident. It punishes the other child/children who would have attended as guests and will be looking forward to it. (Once my son had a birthday party and his best friend was naughty that morning so his mum didn't let him come. My son was absolutely gutted!)

Also it's quite a "man" response. The play date probably helps YOU - keeps your children occupied for at least an afternoon during half term at no cost, helps keep your children happy because their friendships are maintained, ditto for you with the friends parents. DH won't have thought about any of that. My husband is similar.

Our youngest was once naughty at lunch - whinging and making a mess deliberately. H snapped that she was not allowed to go to her friends party that afternoon. My heart sank as she is so lively, I take her out regularly to tire her out and run out of low cost stuff to do especially in the winter. A Sunday afternoon party is a godsend. Plus I'd already got/wrapped/written the present and card, and I thought it was rude to the host mum to drop out so late. I overruled him which he was narky about but honestly it was a punishment that would have punished me more than her!

CadburyCrunchy · 23/10/2022 14:35

@RosieLeaLovesTea it's nice of you to not even have the courtesy to reply to even one poster who took the time to respond to your question with helpful advice... it really shows your true colours... just dismissive and nasty, I feel sorry for your children as you obviously thought people would agree with your punishment...

Navigatingnewwaters · 23/10/2022 14:36

CadburyCrunchy · 23/10/2022 14:35

@RosieLeaLovesTea it's nice of you to not even have the courtesy to reply to even one poster who took the time to respond to your question with helpful advice... it really shows your true colours... just dismissive and nasty, I feel sorry for your children as you obviously thought people would agree with your punishment...

Wow! Over invested much 😱