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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To cancel a play date in half term

220 replies

RosieLeaLovesTea · 22/10/2022 11:34

Hi all
we moved into a new house 2 months ago in a new area. Childre have changed schools.

I arranged a play date in half term for my children as they have we missing friends from their old school.

yesterday I came home to find my DD who is 8yrs old had pulled her curtain rail off her wall with 2 brackets completely off hanging on my a 3rd. We have been here only 2 months! Also I had given DD made to measure curtains from our old room that cost £500. So not cheap.

my DH has said to cancel the fun play date arranged in. Half term as a consequence.

I feel bad for her but I think I agree. She has to learn. We have only been here two months. We have bought new items and we
dont want them reuined.

She is 8 yrs old not 3.

wwyd?

OP posts:
Hellodarknessmyoldpal · 22/10/2022 12:28

Agree with PPs that i wouldn't cancel a playdate for this, surely you want to discourage her forming new friendships after a move?

I think the how and why of the incident are important here. Did she purposely pull it down? Was it done in anger? Was she climbing and broke it by accident? Was she sorry afterwards? The natural consequences for this would be that she has to put up with looking at the holes in the wall she made and feeling guilty. You could also have her contribute to or fully pay (depends on if she gets pocket money and how much) to repair the damage.

The cost of the curtains are irrelevant and you didn't mention them being damaged either.

waterrat · 22/10/2022 12:30

God thst is a really mean punishment and also unfair on the other child involved.

Cornettoninja · 22/10/2022 12:30

Curtains are just curtains to an 8 year old surely? How did she pull it down? In temper or by accident?

Either way cancelling a play date with a friend she’s missing following a move is completely out of proportion.

IhearyouClemFandango · 22/10/2022 12:31

Don't be silly. A rail goes back up and the curtains won't be damaged. By all means be cross, take her pocket money or whatever but your punishment is ridiculous.

Did she do it on purpose? If so, why?

liveforsummer · 22/10/2022 12:33

chargeback · 22/10/2022 12:23

YANBU. I'm guessing she's pulled them off deliberately because she doesn't like them or she doesn't like something else in her room.

She has behaved like an utter brat and I think you should cancel the playdate.

How on earth have you come to that conclusion from the OP?

VladmirsPoutine · 22/10/2022 12:38

This is really over the top. Don't cancel the playdate as a consequence - it doesn't follow logically and you risk making things worse. To an 8yr a move like that is pretty much having your whole world upended.

happy66 · 22/10/2022 12:38

it was destructive behaviour. For most schools for example damaging property is treated very seriously. Giving her a consequence that gives her a shock may nip this behaviour in the bud.

she maybe unsettled by the house move and you can look at that and support her.

But I this: I let my kids do what they what and they don’t get consequence etc, can lead to spoiled entitled brats, that are generally unpleasant to be around. This strategy may work for some kids, but not definitely not all.

StrawBeretMoose · 22/10/2022 12:39

Yes @Navigatingnewwaters cruel.
They thought up a punishment based on what would be the worst thing for the kid, instead of one that fitted the behaviour, which could be a learning opportunity. Also a learning opportunity for OP and her DH. Maybe the pole was just loose and theirs will fall down next and they'd feel a bit crap about cancelling the play date. It's also a punishment that shoots themselves in the foot a bit, playdates keep DC occupied.

AuntieMarys · 22/10/2022 12:39

Not fair to punishment the other child

InTrussWeTruss · 22/10/2022 12:40

You'd be punishing the other child as well and long term I think the play date is more important. Don't cancel it, please.

Sikaris · 22/10/2022 12:42

Punishment should be immediately, or at least the same day. Otherwise they don't feel it as a consequence, just you being mean. The punishment also does not relate to the "crime". Besides that I feel that it's an overreaction. She didn't know it would break. Shit happens.

7eleven · 22/10/2022 12:45

Way over the top.

EmeraldShamrock1 · 22/10/2022 12:47

So your child is frustrated and lashing out and DH wants punishments.

Beautiful3 · 22/10/2022 12:47

No that's awful. She didn't intentionally break them. You're punishing the play mate for an accident. If you cancelled on my child for that reason, I'd never plan anymore play dates.

Mummadeze · 22/10/2022 12:50

Surely it was an accident. It would be very unkind to cancel her play date.

ClocksGoingBackwards · 22/10/2022 12:51

If you came home to this, who was looking after her at the time?

Don’t cancel her play date. Children deserve access to their friends even if they have made mistakes, and it doesn’t make sense as a way to make her learn anyway. The curtains are completely unrelated to her play date so cancelling it is just unimaginative, lazy parenting.

ADialgaAteMyDog · 22/10/2022 12:54

Cancelling the playdate is so unfair on the other family. This happened to us one. My DC was really upset she could t see her friend and I was ultra pissed off as I had a bunch of stuff I could have done but didn't because I thought we had a playdate.
Accidents happen and she will never do it again!

SecretShipping · 22/10/2022 12:55

YABU. Jeez. What a crap way to teach kids about any of the issues here.

MinnieMountain · 22/10/2022 12:55

The parents of a friend of DS cancelled their play date on the day for something unrelated. He was really upset. Don’t be that parent.

zurala · 22/10/2022 12:56

If this were my child I would start by assuming it was an accident. Children don't think things through so don't see what might happen as a consequence, they are still learning.

I wouldn't punish my child for this. I'd find out how it happened, explain why we don't do that, get them to help resolve it.

No punishment. No cancelling playdates.

Even if it were deliberate I'd want to look behind the behaviour and find out what was going on for them, children are never "naughty" just for the sake of it.

Doing anything else is just poor parenting and cruel.

YouSoundLovely · 22/10/2022 12:57

Frankly, you and your husband sound vindictive, and as if your lovely new pristine house (2 months!!) and expensive cast-off curtains are more important to you than your daughter - and as if you want her to know that.

How did the rail come down?

Musti · 22/10/2022 12:57

Good grief, it was an accident. And your twat of a husband can fix it can’t he? 3 of my kids have pulled curtains off the wall. We just fixed it. No punishment just asked them to be more careful (tbh they weren’t very well fixed)

MassiveSalad22 · 22/10/2022 12:57

Not sure how a play date relates to curtains. Go down the natural consequence route instead. One huge punishment would be having to be dragged around curtain shops 😄 but to be fair that’s a punishment for the grown ups too really. Isn’t the bollocking I assume she received punishment enough?

Barbie222 · 22/10/2022 12:59

I would look at the way you've had them installed. If an 8 year old can pull curtains down there's a bigger problem here. When I moved in here (70s build) I needed to have a wooden base added above the window to attach the rails to as curtain rail kept falling down. Builder said wall plug not enough.

itsgettingweird · 22/10/2022 13:00

No i wouldn't cancel.

The punishment then extends to her friends who have nothing to do with what your dd did.

Also how did it happen? 8yo often act before thinking and if she swung on them she will learn not to do it because she has curtains hanging off.

She can't earn the money to out new brackets up by helping with housework.