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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To cancel a play date in half term

220 replies

RosieLeaLovesTea · 22/10/2022 11:34

Hi all
we moved into a new house 2 months ago in a new area. Childre have changed schools.

I arranged a play date in half term for my children as they have we missing friends from their old school.

yesterday I came home to find my DD who is 8yrs old had pulled her curtain rail off her wall with 2 brackets completely off hanging on my a 3rd. We have been here only 2 months! Also I had given DD made to measure curtains from our old room that cost £500. So not cheap.

my DH has said to cancel the fun play date arranged in. Half term as a consequence.

I feel bad for her but I think I agree. She has to learn. We have only been here two months. We have bought new items and we
dont want them reuined.

She is 8 yrs old not 3.

wwyd?

OP posts:
Testina · 22/10/2022 11:49

How long you’ve been there is also completely irrelevant. If it’s not OK to break a curtain rail 2 years into living there, it’s pointless to mention the recent move twice.
It’s an all round odd thread.

lentilly · 22/10/2022 11:49

Testina · 22/10/2022 11:46

How much the curtains cost is irrelevant. And they’re not damaged anyway?

What actually happened?

A big tantrum where she yanked the rail down and shat on the curtains in front of you yelling fuck you and expensive curtains?

Or a kid messing about swinging on a curtain not realising the rail wouldn’t take her weight?

The latter would be a learning opportunity about physics in our house, and a family joke for a couple of weeks - and a chance for her to learn about masonry drill bits and raw plugs.

Yes it matters how they broke

StrawBeretMoose · 22/10/2022 11:50

Poor kid, you and your DH sound cruel and actually thinking up punishment to hurt your DD who has already been through a lot, instead of taking time to see if the rail was installed correctly or explaining what was wrong and how to put it right.
The punishment far outweighs the crime, and bears no relation to it.

As an aside if the curtains are from your old room are they even remotely what an 8 year old would like?
Maybe choose things to make her feel like her new room is her place, not your hand me downs. If you can spend £500 on curtains why not use those elsewhere and buy her something she would actually like.

MissMaple82 · 22/10/2022 11:50

How did she pill them off the wall???

ChateauMargaux · 22/10/2022 11:51

No - she is unsettled, she does not know how to deal with her emotions, she is 8 years old - not 30. She has no control over her life, new home, new school, missing her friends. You might be subconsciously telling her that you have this lovely new house, new curtains (which are your old ones - not new ones she choose) and that she should be grateful. Maybe she feels you are not listening to her feelings - don't fall into the trap of reinforcing her feelings by cancelling the playdate if she is looking forward to it - it's not her that needs to learn...

sheepdogdelight · 22/10/2022 11:52

Cancelling the play date will also impact

  1. Your other child(ren)
  2. you (you'll have to think of something else to do)
  3. the visiting child(ren)
  4. their parents

If she's wantonly pulled off the curtains, you really need to work out why.

If she was "playing" and not realised what would happen this is an OTT consequence.

Isittimeformynapyet · 22/10/2022 11:53

Testina · 22/10/2022 11:49

How long you’ve been there is also completely irrelevant. If it’s not OK to break a curtain rail 2 years into living there, it’s pointless to mention the recent move twice.
It’s an all round odd thread.

Three actually!

Snugglemonkey · 22/10/2022 11:53

I think it is stupid tbh. The curtains and playdate are totally unrelated for starters. Also, given that you moved them, I think you have a responsibility to help your children maintain friendships that are important to them. Plus, it penalises others who have nothing to do with the situation. I do not think it will make any real point other than making yourself look like a cow. She will not be caring about the curtains, she will be too busy being raging with you. And she would be absolutely entitled to be.

outtheshowernow · 22/10/2022 11:53

The punishment doesn't relate to the crime I don't think it will do any good

Navigatingnewwaters · 22/10/2022 11:54

Iwantmyoldnameback · 22/10/2022 11:37

You are the one who took your children away from their friends and you are the one who paid £500 for curtains. Sort your priorities.

Ofgs

Navigatingnewwaters · 22/10/2022 11:56

StrawBeretMoose · 22/10/2022 11:50

Poor kid, you and your DH sound cruel and actually thinking up punishment to hurt your DD who has already been through a lot, instead of taking time to see if the rail was installed correctly or explaining what was wrong and how to put it right.
The punishment far outweighs the crime, and bears no relation to it.

As an aside if the curtains are from your old room are they even remotely what an 8 year old would like?
Maybe choose things to make her feel like her new room is her place, not your hand me downs. If you can spend £500 on curtains why not use those elsewhere and buy her something she would actually like.

Cruel 🤣🤣

Navigatingnewwaters · 22/10/2022 11:57

Did she pull them down on purpose? I wouldn’t cancel the friend but like previous posters suggested she can clean up the dust and lose pocket money to pay to put them back up again

Testina · 22/10/2022 11:58

ChateauMargaux · 22/10/2022 11:51

No - she is unsettled, she does not know how to deal with her emotions, she is 8 years old - not 30. She has no control over her life, new home, new school, missing her friends. You might be subconsciously telling her that you have this lovely new house, new curtains (which are your old ones - not new ones she choose) and that she should be grateful. Maybe she feels you are not listening to her feelings - don't fall into the trap of reinforcing her feelings by cancelling the playdate if she is looking forward to it - it's not her that needs to learn...

Or maybe she’s just a normal 8yo bouncing around her room without realising that the previous occupant didn’t secure the rail all to well?

I mean, you sound lovely and thoughtful…

But I think we can hold off on the analysis until @RosieLeaLovesTea bothers to explain what actually happened!

summergone · 22/10/2022 11:59

Not fair on the other kid no , think of something more appropriate. That must have been a very angry outburst .

thelobsterquadrille · 22/10/2022 11:59

I would just go down the road of natural consequences. She ripped her curtains off the wall, so she has to go without curtains until they can be fixed.

I wouldn't do anything more than that. They're not really broken - you just need to replace the brackets and they can be re-hung. You can buy cheap curtain rails from Argos so it doesn't need to be a major drama. If there are gaps or the curtains don't fit properly, again, that's just what happens when you damage your curtains.

It wouldn't be kind to remove the chance for her to see her friends. It's not her fault you chose to move away and change her school. Friendships are important to children and you shouldn't punish the other children for your DD's actions.

Ringbling85 · 22/10/2022 12:02

In think more info is needed? Why/how did she do it? Have you tried to speak to her about it? I think it would be harsh to cancel the play date. There’s ways of getting through this without ‘punishment’

liveforsummer · 22/10/2022 12:05

Cancelling the play date isn't a relevant consequence at all imo. Whether there should be any at all depends on the circumstances. Was it an accident? Was the rail loose? Why is the price of the curtains relevant? Surely she'd prefer curtains she'd picked than some expensive adult taste fancy ones?!

LouLou198 · 22/10/2022 12:09

No I wouldn't, I think it's rude to cancel on the other parents/children.
I would be more concerned as to why your 8 year old is pulling down curtains. Is she settled in school? Has she got new friends? Or is she struggling and this is her expressing her emotions?

Mariposista · 22/10/2022 12:15

Make her do ‘community service’ to win back the privilege of the playdate (she doesn’t need to know that you haven’t cancelled it’. She has to clear the table, load and unload the dishwasher, hoover, clean the sinks, unpack the shopping and any other chore you can find her to do. Once she does it, praise her, chat about why she did it, get an apology and forgive.

Upnorthen · 22/10/2022 12:16

I would not do this..it will led to serious frustration on your child's part which you have completely caused.
You took them away from their friends so punishing them by withholding their friends is not on. Can you imagine being 8 and missing your friends who you can never see anymore because of circumstances beyond your control, and you do something typically 8 year oldish and your mum says you can't see your friends anymore with no opportunity to change that. In my opinion that's cruel.
Yes give her consequences if you told her not to climb the curtains but not that.

Thereisnolight · 22/10/2022 12:18

Blowing everything completely out of proportion. It was an accident.

YellowTreeHouse · 22/10/2022 12:18

YABU and ridiculous. The play date has no relevance to the curtains so she isn’t going to connect the two and learn anything.

Consequences need to relate to the behaviour and they need to be at the time, not later.

HauntedPencil · 22/10/2022 12:21

Oh no I wouldn't do that. I don't think it's a proportionate response either. And you'd be letting other kids down.

chargeback · 22/10/2022 12:23

YANBU. I'm guessing she's pulled them off deliberately because she doesn't like them or she doesn't like something else in her room.

She has behaved like an utter brat and I think you should cancel the playdate.

Rosebel · 22/10/2022 12:26

You and your husband sound really mean. Why would you think that's a good consequence? You haven't even said how or why it happened.
Would you like it if you were promised something you really wanted, then made a silly unrelated mistake and the promised thing was taken away?
If you think she deserves a consequence then why not get her to clear up r help fix the rail? Who was meant to be supervising her at the time?

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