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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To cancel a play date in half term

220 replies

RosieLeaLovesTea · 22/10/2022 11:34

Hi all
we moved into a new house 2 months ago in a new area. Childre have changed schools.

I arranged a play date in half term for my children as they have we missing friends from their old school.

yesterday I came home to find my DD who is 8yrs old had pulled her curtain rail off her wall with 2 brackets completely off hanging on my a 3rd. We have been here only 2 months! Also I had given DD made to measure curtains from our old room that cost £500. So not cheap.

my DH has said to cancel the fun play date arranged in. Half term as a consequence.

I feel bad for her but I think I agree. She has to learn. We have only been here two months. We have bought new items and we
dont want them reuined.

She is 8 yrs old not 3.

wwyd?

OP posts:
Lalliella · 22/10/2022 13:00

Don’t pénalise her friends

melj1213 · 22/10/2022 13:04

YABVU

If it was done accidentally then there shouldn't be a punishment, there should be a consequence of responsible behaviour - 8yos don't always consider the consequences of their actions and if she's pulled on the curtains before and they've held then she probably pulled on them or grabbed them accidentally and they weren't secured as well as the ones in her old room so this one has come down. If it was done

If my DD had done something like that then the consequence would have been that she had to help clear the mess, put up with whatever temporary solution we found to cover her window until it got fixed without complaint - eg a tension rod with a sheet thrown over it wedged in the window frame, but it lets light in round the edges, until my day off when I could go and get new parts to reattach the rod - and then would have to help reattach the rod and tidy up any mess (plaster dust, moved furniture/toys etc) afterwards.

If it was done deliberately then yes there should be a punishment (which in my house would start off by being the same as the consequence for accidental damage) But the "punishment" needs to be something relevent and far more immediate - taking away a playdate during half term is neither, especially considering the circumstances of it being an old friend your DD doesn't get to see at school any more and the fact she's only 8.

Additionally, if it is done deliberately then you also need to find out why she did it. Kids don't just damage things for no reason, there is always some motivation for their behaviour. They might not understand why they're doing it but there will be a trigger and such a massive upheaval as moving house, moving school, making new friends etc are pretty obvious ones.

I also think it's interesting that you say in your OP I had given DD made to measure curtains from our old room that cost £500 and also we have bought new items and we dont want them reuined ... so which is it? Your DD has your old (but expensive) curtains so what is the relevence of you not wanting new things ruined? Just because the curtains were expensive doesn't mean they have any value to your DD, especially if she wasn't given any choice in having them.

Togoodtobeforgotten · 22/10/2022 13:04

I think that's a bit mean kids in a new area and needs to make new friends a house move for a child that age is a huge thing especially if in a new area.

Scottishskifun · 22/10/2022 13:08

I think it very much depends on the walls and if it was done on purpose!
Quite a lot of properties walls are rubbish and actually it's fairly easy for a rail to come down. I did it at a friend's house and was mortified went downstairs said sorry would cover the cost etc. They just laughed and said don't worry the walls here are rubbish can barely hold a feather up it happens pretty frequently (a new build).

Mummytotwonow · 22/10/2022 13:08

Wow, what a horrible cruel consequence to even consider doing that to your child.

TimeForMeToF1y · 22/10/2022 13:08

Thats really unfair on the other child and the parents of the other child who might have made other plans for the duration of the playdate

youwouldthink · 22/10/2022 13:10

When we moved into our new house my bedroom had floor to ceiling windows and my DD was about 7 at the time. She was twirling in the curtains and as she danced round and round they pulled the fixing out of the wall. She was really upset and was just playing. They were fixed within a few mins. No drama needed and certainly wouldn't punish for a simple accident!

TolkiensFallow · 22/10/2022 13:13

Your kids are struggling and lonely. Don’t deprive them of something that will help with that.
find another consequence if you must but it sounds like an accident.

ButIamBatman · 22/10/2022 13:14

That's retribution, not a consequence. As others have said, a consequence should be relative to the incident and should also be timely. This is neither and as such is really poor parenting.

WeAreAllLionesses · 22/10/2022 13:15

Blimey, how much were your new curtains? misses point of thread

Snugglemonkey · 22/10/2022 13:16

ButIamBatman · 22/10/2022 13:14

That's retribution, not a consequence. As others have said, a consequence should be relative to the incident and should also be timely. This is neither and as such is really poor parenting.

Definitely this. Retribution has no place in discipline.

PremsDhaba · 22/10/2022 13:22

Isittimeformynapyet · 22/10/2022 11:40

How long have you been at this new house? 😐

Good question. The OP doesn't mention it at all. 😄

DeadSouth · 22/10/2022 13:23

It’s not an appropriate punishment at all. Also the overpriced curtains have no relevance because she didn’t exactly shred them did she, she pulled them down.

Darbs76 · 22/10/2022 13:27

Sorry no don’t agree. The punishment doesn’t fit the crime.

Summerfun54321 · 22/10/2022 13:27

The point of consequences is that the child knows BEFORE their actions what your expectations are and what the consequences are if they don’t behave in a certain way. If you’ve already had a conversation about her not looking after things and if you’ve already said the consequence would be for her to have her play date cancelled then fair enough, but just telling her her play date is cancelled without any warning is a straight up punishment. A punishment is all about power. A consequence is about teaching your child how to behave.

ilovesushi · 22/10/2022 13:29

How do curtains relate to a playdate? That is an illogical consequence and feels really petty. Sounds like an expensive accident on your DD's part, not wilful vandalism.

LoveMyCats1 · 22/10/2022 13:29

She's an 8 year old yabu and need to chill out or you're going to hate

LoveMyCats1 · 22/10/2022 13:29

Raising kids

Fundays12 · 22/10/2022 13:29

I think you need to find out why she did it. Is she happy in her new home and new school? I was miserable when I moved house at 11 as I had no new friends in that area and felt isolated.

No I wouldn't cancel the playdate. I actually think you need to take her but try find out what's going on especially if this is out of character for her.

Summerfun54321 · 22/10/2022 13:30

Also, if an 8 year old can pull curtains down, it doesn’t sound like they were fixed properly. Better to improve your DIY skills than take out your frustration on your DD.

Bunnycat101 · 22/10/2022 13:31

I don’t think that is ok as a punishment and unfair on the other children. I’ve always tried really hard not to use a threat of not going to parties etc as it can be as much of a punishment to the other child. What I have done though is my daughter has to tidy her room before she can knock on friends as she has a habit of trashing the house and is more likely to be careful on her play dates if she’s just tidied. There is a clearer cause and effect with that.

You also don’t say if it was an accident or on purpose. Min both have a habit of pulling down on curtains rather than pulling across to close them. However, our poles are very firmly attached and it’s the curtain hooks that seem to come out. If the poles were in properly I’d be surprised they’d come out so easily unless she was actively swinging on the pole.

PeekAtYou · 22/10/2022 13:31

She didn't buy and allocate £500 curtains to her room. That is your decision.

The question is was she swinging from them or playing in them by twisting and stuff or was it a genuine accident and you or the previous owners hadn't attached them to the wall properly?

Some curtain rods can be quite the heavy. Did she get hit and what was her reaction? If she dgaf then it's very different to being scared or remorseful at what happened.

Clymene · 22/10/2022 13:32

I pulled a curtain rail off the wall in someone's house by opening the curtains from bed. It was a stupid thing to do but the rail wasn't well attached.

Are you sure it was malicious? If your curtains are heavy, they could just be too much for the rail if it was already there. Or maybe your diy skills are crap

Cornettoninja · 22/10/2022 13:32

It’s fascinating how many people have decided the dd wilfully damaged the curtain rail with nothing to base that on.

If it was unintentional cancelling a play date is going to teach her nothing about being more careful or repairing what she’s damaged. It’s just spite.

PeekAtYou · 22/10/2022 13:32

Also are the curtains ruined ? If not then it doesn't matter what the cost of the curtains are.