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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel sad that I'll only be a MIL / other mother / other nan

233 replies

Thisismynamenow · 21/10/2022 10:06

Following another post where OP is blatantly creating double standards between the frequency and allowance of MIL visiting over her DM, I feel very sad that this is the case for most people.

MN seems to demonise MILs and the 'Inlaw' family to a point where they should only be tolerated and visited as infrequently as possible and only out of duty not desire.

My MIL is hard work with multiple addition needs and narcissism as a result of past trauma so I don't have that usual MIL experience, but I do make lots of effort, go shopping with her, invite her for dinner regularly and spend alot of time with the DH side of the family.

My mom doesn't like her MIL either because my mom wasn't good enough for my dad apparently. I don't actually know anyone who likes their MIL :(

I have a baby son, and future children are likely to be sons (my DH family is mainly boys). I love my son massively but sad I'll likely always be a mother of sons. Sad because mother of sons always seem to be the other mother, the tolerated and hated one, some for good reason but others just because your not the DILs mom.

I hope to raise my son(s) to be independent, loving and committed, and would eventually love a DIL (or SIL whatever he wants) I could have a great relationship with rather than the negative one relayed on here. But reading all these posts makes me feel it's never going to happen and I'll just be the tolerated mother.

Is this just a MN thing hating MIL or is this reallife?

OP posts:
Crunchymum · 21/10/2022 10:13

MN is just full of people moaning ergo any posts about MIL's aren't going to be positive.

In the interest of balance, My MIL is an absolute Godsend (helps with childcare, has always been respectfully involved in our lives and other than my DP she is the person I trust most with our children) and it helps that she is also a wondeful person, whom I love and respect. I lost my mum suddenly in 2020 but I'm so bloody glad to still have my MIL.

FairShare13 · 21/10/2022 10:13

I voted yabu. Just because your DH family are mainly boys, doesn't mean that you'll also just have boys, it doesn't work like that.
You are dwelling over a hypothetical issue.

TheHouseonHauntedHill · 21/10/2022 10:14

You've just written " my mum hated my mil because mil said she wasn't good enough for my dad".

But that's your mum's fault for not sucking up her mils jealously!.

If I had sons I would not be afraid at all.

I would know from here what to do and what not to do .
Starting with respect, even if you don't like Someone they are your childs choice of partner.

Being pushy and rude gets you no where.
Just ask ask ask...offer, don't judge or push and give your children space to be their own people.
That's all.

If you do that and you don't see them then you had bigger problems that up probably only realise now.

Crunchymum · 21/10/2022 10:14

And my DP is one of 4 boys. There have been loads of granddaughters though. We have 2 DD ourselves. So don't assume no girls.

whumpthereitis · 21/10/2022 10:15

I have a lot more in common with my MIL, and am closer to her than I am my own mother. I know a few women it’s the same for in real life too.

doodleygirl · 21/10/2022 10:15

M

SpinningFloppa · 21/10/2022 10:15

No my mum is much closer to my brothers kids than mine so I’m not sure why you think having a son means you won’t? My mum barely bothers with my kids. And you may go on to have a girl so this is a silly worry (sorry not trying to be mean)

Allthegoodnamestakken · 21/10/2022 10:16

I love my MIL she visits an equal amount if not more than my my own DM no DC currently but when there are I plan for her to 100% be a part of their lives in the same way my own DM would be. I think mumsnet is just full of people with very weird MILs but I guess nobody would bother starting a thread about a great one.

Kanaloa · 21/10/2022 10:16

The issue is though that it would be a bit weird to start a thread going ‘AIBU that my mil is so nice? She’s like a mum to me and the only nana my kids have, I love when she pops round because I always want to see her, she brightens my day. I hope she never needs care because I want her to always be healthy and happy but when she is elderly if she’s infirm I hope she lives with us so we can care for her. I love her so much.’ That would be my aibu about mil but obviously I wouldn’t post it because what’s the point? I know I’m not bu. But that’s why you can’t really judge stepmum/mil/husbands by mumsnet - you’re only seeing people’s problems.

FanTaill · 21/10/2022 10:17

The thing is people don’t make the effort to come on here and write threads about perfectly normal, happy relationships. I mean, why would they. So you’re only ever hearing the extreme cases.

(Also with a lot of the MIL threads keep in mind it’s often actually a DH (or FIL) problem.)

Puffalicious · 21/10/2022 10:17

FairShare13 · 21/10/2022 10:13

I voted yabu. Just because your DH family are mainly boys, doesn't mean that you'll also just have boys, it doesn't work like that.
You are dwelling over a hypothetical issue.

Exactly. I have 3 boys, yes 3 (and too old for more). So I'm destined to be the MIL begging for scraps. I'm being facetious: I think if I'm as lovely as I usually am to any partners of my boys I'll be fine.

ComtesseDeSpair · 21/10/2022 10:17

You need to teach your sons to step up and consider themselves as - and act as - equal parents to their future children, so that they aren’t left toeing the line to a partner who does everything with the DC and therefore sees them largely hers and hers to control parental access to. If they’re doing an equal share of the parenting and family life then they can feel empowered to make decisions about family relationships which heavily include you.

IhearyouClemFandango · 21/10/2022 10:17

I think it is the nature of a forum tbh. Most posters here are women, most only post about specific relationships if there is an issue...so it isn't a representative sample. If that makes any sense.

FWIW, I loved my MiL very much. She was a fabulous mother, grandmother and MiL and we were lucky to have her. She was always welcome in our home, she came on holiday with us, my children adored her and she raised 4 lovely sons.

AnnaMagnani · 21/10/2022 10:19

Mumsnet is also chock-full of women moaning about their mothers!

The best thing you can do is bring up your boys to not expect their partner to be responsible for all contact with you.

The other thing is be supportive of their partners, not demanding.

I know women with better relationships with the MIL than their mums. Didn't happen for me and my MIL's own idiotic behaviour in the early days is a big reason.

Realfastfoodie · 21/10/2022 10:20

My mil is amazing. I’m not as close to her as my own mum but we all love her, she is an amazing granny and I like and respect her as a person. I suspect that it took a bit of biting our tongues on both our sides, particularly in the early years, we are very different people. As time goes by we see the best in each other.

senior30 · 21/10/2022 10:21

My relationship with my MIL is not good, despite my best efforts. The thing that brings me comfort having a son myself is that I encourage my OH to maintain a good relationship (his feeling towards her aren’t great) and I make sure that my son has a wonderful relationship. If my future DIL does the same I think I’ll be happy with that. We don’t have to love each other but we can play nice

PuttingDownRoots · 21/10/2022 10:23

My MIL is wonderful. Shes a genuinely nice woman. She dotes on her five grandchildren (as does FIL). Despite having two sons... there are four granddaughters and one grandson. They treat them all equally. (Not the sane, as there's 14 years from eldest to youngest. But equally according to their needs).

The main reason children end up closer to maternal grandparents is the mothers being the main carers. Bring up your sons to be an active part in their children's lives and they will ensure you are part of their children's lives.

RaininSummer · 21/10/2022 10:23

It's an mn thing although obviously some mILs are no doubt awful just the same as general people can be awful. I think I am an ok maybe a good MIL and have good relationships with pmy sons in law. Their own mother's are very included.

Pynapple · 21/10/2022 10:23

My kids are far closer to my MIL than my own Mom. We see her more, go on holidays etc - they love spending time with her.

Difference is, she doesn't try to undermine me or cause problems whereas my Mom just isn't that pleasant to be around.

You'll be fine; the fact that you're thinking about it means you'll be sensitive your DIL's opinions which will only help the relationship.

Lindy2 · 21/10/2022 10:26

Plenty of women have very good relationships with their MILs.

Raise your sons to be caring and respectful. If you're also caring and respectful then I'm sure that helps create a good family dynamic.

My mum has always been good at helping without judging and has a good relationship with everyone. I hope I'm like her when I become a MIL. I will try to be.

My MIL is as crazy as a box of frogs and thinks of no one other than herself. Her relationships with everyone in the family, direct family and in laws, are very strained because of how she is, not because she's a MIL.

Georgeskitchen · 21/10/2022 10:26

I'm a MIL of 2 daughter in laws. Semi retired and live close enough to one of the grandchildren to help out with childcare.
Other grandchild lives 3 hours away but stay with us a week or 2 every year in school hols.
So my recommendation is, be your DILs ally, help out when you can, love your grandchildren and never judge your DILs parenting x

Midnights · 21/10/2022 10:27

I think it all hangs on you - are you going to be over possessive of your son, dismissive of their partner / spouse, certain you know best in all situations etc?

Are you going to raise your son to be able to sort his own life out - a lot of the issues I see on here lie with sons who've been over mothered, they're unable to sort visits, plans, birthday presents / cards etc for themselves - and when their partner stops making all of the effort for them, the ILs think the partner has an issue, when it's just their son who they raised to be incapable 🤷🏻‍♀️

My MIL is of course annoying at times - I'm sure I am too! She's got a heart of gold and nothing ever comes from a bad place. She would do anything for us, and we would for her. We have a great relationship, because she's raised a son who can look after his own family relationships - so I get to have a relationship with her that's built on our own connection, not based on me being a second mother to her son.

Penelope987 · 21/10/2022 10:27

I think it goes both ways. Does your MIL put in the same effort that you do into the relationship?

Herbie0987 · 21/10/2022 10:28

I loved my MIL when she was alive, she was there if you needed her, loved all her grandchildren and when marriages broke up welcomed new partners. Her view was the family just got bigger. My mum died when I was early 30s and MIL became my mum.

ZiriForEver · 21/10/2022 10:31

it doesn't have to be like that. My MIL has 3 sons. All of them has partners, some DC and with all she has good relationship.

She has always been respectful, ready to discuss stuff, tell her opinion in conversation, but not judgemental or pressing her point.

The key is your son. Yes, he will need to put his future new family first. In the same time if he has good relationship with you and takes care of arranging meetings and communication, it can work fine.
Part of the common troublesome pattern is that MIL expects/blame her son's partner for stuff he could had covered.