To feel sad that I'll only be a MIL / other mother / other nan

[Thisismynamenow]

Following another post where OP is blatantly creating double standards between the frequency and allowance of MIL visiting over her DM, I feel very sad that this is the case for most people.

MN seems to demonise MILs and the 'Inlaw' family to a point where they should only be tolerated and visited as infrequently as possible and only out of duty not desire.

My MIL is hard work with multiple addition needs and narcissism as a result of past trauma so I don't have that usual MIL experience, but I do make lots of effort, go shopping with her, invite her for dinner regularly and spend alot of time with the DH side of the family.

My mom doesn't like her MIL either because my mom wasn't good enough for my dad apparently. I don't actually know anyone who likes their MIL :(

I have a baby son, and future children are likely to be sons (my DH family is mainly boys). I love my son massively but sad I'll likely always be a mother of sons. Sad because mother of sons always seem to be the other mother, the tolerated and hated one, some for good reason but others just because your not the DILs mom.

I hope to raise my son(s) to be independent, loving and committed, and would eventually love a DIL (or SIL whatever he wants) I could have a great relationship with rather than the negative one relayed on here. But reading all these posts makes me feel it's never going to happen and I'll just be the tolerated mother.

Is this just a MN thing hating MIL or is this reallife?

It doesn't always work that way. My DH is one of four sons, and all four of us daughters-in-law absolutely adore our MIL. I probably speak to her more than DH does!!

people Only post when there’s an issue, you’re not going to get people posting about how much they love and see their MIL when there’s no issue are you?!

I agree with this. MN presents a biased view due to people seeking validation or help with problem MILs who don't respect boundaries and criticise the parenting style/choices of their DS and his partner.

Both my mum and my DH's mum had terrible problems with their MILs who were overprotective of their sons and hostile to their DILs.

However, I'm happy to say that the next generation is nothing like this. My MIL is an absolute delight and we have a terrific relationship. I love having her involved in our lives and with our two DCs (both boys). She is a highly intelligent woman who understands and respects boundaries. She offers her advice and opinions, but always accepts the choices my DH and I make, whether they fit in with her own views or not. It helps that I am easygoing and not territorial. I think of her as a trusted friend and happily spend time on my own with her as we share many interests (particularly the arts and nature).

I hope, one day, I will share a similar bond with my DCs' partners. I will do my best to follow my MIL's example by respecting my DCs' partners' boundaries, providing support when invited, and treating them as a friend whose good opinion I want to keep.

I prefer my MIL to my actual mum so therefore my kids spend lots of time with her and she is always the first one we ring to tell her about our news ect. It's about effort and being non judgemental.

The "other mum / other nan" thing comes from family set ups where the mother takes on the main family burdens. If the mother is at home doing all the housework and childcare of course the kids might well end up seeing her mother more. The mum's mum will be more involved because the mum will be calling her for help and keeping her updated with her own life, which by extension includes the kids.

So raise your sons to be active participants in family and you won't have this problem. Me and my DP do not do split time with DS exactly 50/50, but we have equal says and responsibilities in decision making. He has a day a week that he spends with DS, and he usually takes him to his mums. I have a day a week when it's just me and DS, and often my mum comes to see us. At weekends we both have him, and visit parents equally. Both grandparents get equal involvement because we parents are equally invovled.

I agree with you that this is the reality.
Women are the glue that holds families together imo - I also don’t really know anyone who loves their MIL! Including myself in that. Honestly I’d rather spend time with my own mum. DH also makes little effort with his mum tbh so I try and have a relationship with her for the sake of my DS but she definitely spends more time with her own daughter & her son. It doesn’t bother me. I feel like you that if I don’t have a daughter I’ll probably be the ‘other nanny’ when I’m old… never mind - I’ll have a good relationship with my son and hopefully DIL but if she’s closer to her own mum I’ll understand and spend more time on holiday in my old age! 😬 xx

My Mum loved my Granny, her MIL, so very much. She was so close to her compared to her own Mum. We had the most fantastic relationship with my Dad’s parents, compared to my Mum’s family.

I love my MIL. I’m not as close to her as I am to my Mum. But I’m bringing up our children a mile away from MIL, on a different island to my own parents.

We’ve made sure our children have lovely relationships with both sets of grandparents. MIL used to sit and cuddle our son each evening when he was born (prematurely) so that my DH could work and I could sleep in between expressing. She never overstepped any boundary with DS (did a little with DD), but was a huge help and we were really appreciative.

With respect, this is bonkers.

@Thisismynamenow I honestly wouldn't go by MN. People only tend to post problems with MILs. They're not likely to start a thread saying "My husband's mum is really nice, and she's great with our children, and we see her every other day".

If you're a nice, reasonable person, you'll be in your son's life for a very long time, and you'll be well and truly accepted by his partner. If you had a daughter and were a complete PITA, you'd find yourself not very welcome. It's more to do with what kind of person you are than with the gender of your child.

My MIL is lovely, we have a good relationship.
My own mother is closer/does more with my brothers children( and my sister) so it's not always the case that you will pushed aside,
Sorry you feel that way

My MiL is great. Kind , a good friend, good boundaries. I encourage my sons to love both grannies.
no issue there at all.

You have a 50\50 chance of having a boy every pregnancy ( more or less). I wouldn’t be so certain you’ll end up a boy mum 😉

if it makes you feel better, I have two sisters and all three of us are closer to the our laws . I moved abroad and my husband and I are closer to his parents . Even if we weren’t closer geographically, I still think we would be closer because they quite involved with their grandchildren.

Both my sisters live near our parents but are still slightly closer to their in laws because their in-laws are also more involved with the grandkids. My parents are great but I wouldn’t say they are as available or willing to give up their time. I think they have gotten better over the years but they are not the type to offer to babysit or go out of their way to spend time with the grandkids.

I like my MIL. She's nice to me and doesn't judge me or my parenting. I often visit (often without DH) and happily take her out to lunch.

I get on better with my MIL than my own mum-we have a lot more common interests and she makes the effort to ask if I want to go shopping, do things etc. I don’t have kids but I know she’ll be helpful if we do - she’s very involved with my DH brothers kids. My DH gets on well with her to

I absolutely loved my mother in law. I wasn't a replacement daughter (she had a daughter and if we both needed MIL at the same time, I knew that SIL would be her priority) and she wasn't a replacement mother, but I treated her like a mother and she treated me like a daughter. She and DFIL stayed frequently with us for 2 or 3 weeks at a time and never had a disagreement. On Mumsnet, you are far more likely to hear of bad experiences than good (for obvious reasons) but lots.of us have wonderful MILs. I hope that my DIL thinks im great, too (I think she does. I absolutely love her!)

Also the culture that expects women to do all the socialising and family bonding is to blame. I had to really squash this expectation when I joined DP's family. Things like: the women get up to clear the table and wash the dishes, the women put the effort into visiting each other, into checking in when people are ill or having a rough time, and so on. This is all fine if it's done from love, but from my perspective I do these things with my own family, it is not my job to also do them for DP's - that's his job. He doesn't do it, so his family probably think "we" are closer to my family. But "we're" not, I am ! Because they are my family. Another example: my aunt always gets annoyed when her DIL doesn't thank her for getting presents or clothes for her kids, even though her own son (the kid's dad) has already thanked her. I was baffled by this and asked her if she also expects her daughter's husband to call to thank her personally for presents for their kids? Of course she doesn't. She just thinks that it's women's work.

I have a great relationship with my MIL. We see her equal amounts or sometimes more than my own parents. She is lovely, thoughtful and an amazing grandparent to my little girl.

it’s all about the MIL and the daughter in law. If you are nice, welcoming, treat her as part of the family then you would likely get the same back.

I adore my MIL (who has 4 sons) and see her as much as, if not more than, my own Mum.
Wouldn’t start a thread about her though.

I've only got sons and one ddil, but I live with the other grandmother (on a purely friendship basis). So we share any visits from ddil and grandchildren. Perfect. Long may it continue.

Just don’t be like my MIL who had only sons herself and then pretty much ignored her male grandchildren and gave massive preferential treatment to the female grandchildren. I understand she was excited to finally have some girl children in the family but to show it as much as she did really hurt. My sons used to ask me if she was also their granny as she completely ignored them when their girl cousins were present 😞

I have boys so also destined to be the MIL/other granny and I’m determined not to make the same mistakes.

I love my mother in law, she's a kind, loving and amazing woman and we see them because we want to and not because we have to. My children adore both sets of grandparents.

I am still closer to my own parents though and speak to them/share more.

Immediately after the birth, women often feel more comfortable with their own mother helping out than MIL. However after that, I'm not convinced there's an overall bias to maternal grandmothers. There's huge variety in the expectation of interaction between different families, and that can be tricky to negotiate if the two sides are quite different on that, or if one side refuses to back off a little to allow the other side more time.

I don’t hate my MIL at all, but she doesn’t make much effort so I don’t either.

I don't have a perfect relationship with my MIL by any means, as we are very different people, however, we live close to them and see them weekly, plus she helps with the school runs and looking after my DC in the school holidays. My mum is less involved in time because she lives 3 hours away, but we try really hard to keep both sets of Grandparents involved as much as possible. So it's in your power to build a good relationship with your DILs and the grandchildren.

I have a good relationship with my mil. She comes over often, I'll take her out but I much prefer my mum and my family. There's a natural rhythm and dynamic with my family. I can be open and be myself. My mum is the only person in the world who really still looks after me.
I can never deepen my relationship with mil beyond a formal yet welcoming one. I'll never stand in dh's way if he wants his mother over more but the relationship I have with mother in law is because of her son.
If dh and I split up, I doubt I'd ever see mil again so it can never be a relationship with the same standing as a relationship with my own mother.