To feel sad that I'll only be a MIL / other mother / other nan

[Thisismynamenow]

Following another post where OP is blatantly creating double standards between the frequency and allowance of MIL visiting over her DM, I feel very sad that this is the case for most people.

MN seems to demonise MILs and the 'Inlaw' family to a point where they should only be tolerated and visited as infrequently as possible and only out of duty not desire.

My MIL is hard work with multiple addition needs and narcissism as a result of past trauma so I don't have that usual MIL experience, but I do make lots of effort, go shopping with her, invite her for dinner regularly and spend alot of time with the DH side of the family.

My mom doesn't like her MIL either because my mom wasn't good enough for my dad apparently. I don't actually know anyone who likes their MIL :(

I have a baby son, and future children are likely to be sons (my DH family is mainly boys). I love my son massively but sad I'll likely always be a mother of sons. Sad because mother of sons always seem to be the other mother, the tolerated and hated one, some for good reason but others just because your not the DILs mom.

I hope to raise my son(s) to be independent, loving and committed, and would eventually love a DIL (or SIL whatever he wants) I could have a great relationship with rather than the negative one relayed on here. But reading all these posts makes me feel it's never going to happen and I'll just be the tolerated mother.

Is this just a MN thing hating MIL or is this reallife?

I loved my late mother-in-law, she was far more of a mother to me and a grandmother to my children than my own mother ever was. MIL was my go-to person when I needed help or just a cuppa and a chat. I hope I can be the grandmother she was (if my two ever have children).

Absolutely agree with @mondaytosunday - it's about you, not about the fact that you have sons. I've had relationships where I loved their mums, in fact I always joked that in most of my relationships the parent liked me more than my boyfriend. I can think of 2 women I'd have liked as a MIL and one I'd have absolutely loved to pieces.

My current MIL doesn't bother with us at all, is far more focused on golden child DD (who doesn't want children) than her son or only grandchild, has made comments to me in the past basically indicating I need to provide her with more grandchildren because SIL doesn't want children so I need to step up. She enables FIL to make "jokey" (or what I would call outright nasty) comments to me, including comments about my weight when I was pregnant. She constantly makes digs about how often my mum sees the grandchild vs her, despite never offering any help. So yes, I freely admit I favour my mum over her and won't give in to her demands for things like spending grandchild's first Christmas at her house, when my mum is desperate for us to go there and bothers with her grandchild the other 364 days of the year.

Basically foster a good relationship with your son and future daughter in law and things should be fine. If not, you may just be unlucky like me, having made an effort with every partner's parents and marrying the only one whose parents I don't get on with!

My MIL is like my second mum, awesome woman. We have great chats on the phone. DH laughs at us when we start having a gossip 😆

My MiL has a relationship with our DC on entirely her own terms. Those terms extend to an average of about 3 times a year. This is her choice, and my DH does everything possible to facilitate that relationship.

Whilst I was on maternity leave, she was in our home a LOT. DH was at work, so I perhaps naively hoped this was a way to get to strengthen the relationship (I'd barely known her up until that point) and for our DC to have a meaningful relationship with their grandparent.

It didn't work out. As soon as DC had passed the cute baby stage she lost interest. This was perhaps to be expected as it's consistent with the level of interest/interaction she's ever devoted to her son, my DH. She will never understand or appreciate what she's lost, IMO, as biased though I am, my DH is a wonderful man. But when MiL began to be nasty with me, led by my DH's sister who is poisonous (DH's own view), I backed off.

I don't stand in the way of the only relationship with the only grandparent DC will ever know (my parents are dead). I've accepted I will never have the warm relationship with my husband's family that ideally we'd all like. I've simply stepped back, let them get on with it, and don't interfere, although I do treat her cordially, cook for her, etc, when she visits our home. In terms of reciprocity, I get peace and no interference, she gets a relationship with her DS and DGC without for the most part the presence of a DiL she evidently doesn't like.

Sometimes, you have to make the best you can of a bad job. I tried. My conscience is clear.

You're really lucky. I'm not an envious person, but I miss my dear late Mum every single day of my life and very much wish my MiL had been more like yours.

You have zero idea you'll only have boys regardless of what anyone else has... what an utterly stupid statement.

Also even though me and MIL have clashed in the past she still sees the grandkids everyweek.

I have 3 close friends:

First friend MIL is SUPER close to her and they do everything together as one big blended family unit.

Second friend treats her MIL exactly the same as her own mam even calling her 'Mum' and they regularly get together as a family (DM, MIL, DC and my friend) ever though they she is now devorced from their kid.

Third friends MIL is dead.

So in my experiance I dont know anyone whose MIL where treat worse than their own parents.

The reason me and my MIL had issue was because she seriously stomped all over boundries and tried to 'get rid of me'. It wasnt my fault we had a bad relationship it was her that didnt want one with me (she is middle class I am very much not, think she was 'embarased' although shes now learned Im going nowhere and accepted it) so dont be a shitty MIL and you'll be fine.

I don't like my MIL because she's extremely racist. I also don't like the way she treats DH, and she maintains a very distant formal relationship with us whilst simultaneously refusing to see DH as his own person

The relationship she has with us and my DC will be determined by her and DH. I would love my DC to have a fully loving relationship with all their grandparents, uncles, aunts.

If you maintain a normal, loving relationship with your sons. If you accept he is his own person and don't for example randomly buy him a set of pants at 32 because you think he should be wearing an xl after you went through his suitcase (please don't even ask), and as long as you aren't a bigot I'm sure you will be fine. Most people do get on with their MIL, they may not be best buds but they have a good relationship, they just aren't going to start a MN thread about it

Why on earth are you putting all this on your potential future DIL? It sounds like you're expecting her to do all the work in their relationship with you, and she doesn't even exist yet.

My DP had a fantastic relationship with my mum before she died, because my mum knew where the boundaries were. They were good friends, they went out to coffee together, DP would offer to pick up some bits for her when out shopping, Mum would offer childcare, Mum was there to support DP when her mother died.

But Mum would only pop round unnanounced if she knew it was just me and DD at home, if DP was likely to be around she'd text first.

When I accidentally forgot Mums birthday one year, she was fuming with me, not DP.

When she had a concern that we weren't feeding DD healthily enough (excited 5 year old had decided that pizza two days on the trot as a one off now meant that she was eating pizza every single day), she came to me to discuss it, not her DIL.

When Mum was feeling a bit down because she'd not seen us in a month, she spoke to me about it, not DP.

In short, you can have a fantastic relationship with your son and any future DIL, but if your son isn't interested in facilitating that relationship, then that's not your DIL's fault or problem.

I get on really well with my MiL. She even moved in with us for a while - with her two dogs - while waiting for her house to be ready.

I really hope my daughters in law like me as much as I like them.

I had a fantastic relationship with my MIL. We got on fantastically.

I’ve always been closer to my dads side of the family and GP on both sides looked after me and my sibling equally growing up - I have lots of great memories with both sides

Also I think a big difference is no one expects my DH to become best friends with my parents, or become a second son. He is expected to get on at whole family occasions but not take my mum out to tea. Dh has never once been expected to facilitate a relationship between me and my parents

DIL seem to be expected to go shopping with the MIL, maintain contact with the MIL. Be best friends or like a second daughter in order for that to count as a good relationship. I think MIL who have a bad relationship with their DIL have different expectations for men and women

If you have the same relationship with your sons as a daughter then you will be fine.

What if the DIL is the one causing problems? I have 3 sons, they all have a wife or partner. One is like a daughter to me, one I have a perfectly good relationship with and one is a total pain and I will never be able to understand (or forgive) how she treats my GC (her step children) so it isn't just down to the MIL.

You’re making yourself miserable over situations that may never happen. This is no way to live your life.
And for the record I liked my MIL.

We see my inlaws every week and my family 3 times a year. It's not always the woman's family who are more involved.

Just because your husband is part of an all boy group doesn't mean you won't have a girl. That makes no sense and is not how biology works

My mum had only girls and my Nan yet here I am with a boy

@Thisismynamenow I think on mumsnet you only really hear the bad stories which seem alot but it's probably not the majority.
I really love my mother in law and actually had her around alot when I was pregnant and had my babies. I wanted her to be involved as much as my mum.
My sister in law has a great relationship with my mum and my mum is very close with my nephews. I wouldn't worry about it I'm sure you will be a great mil.

You're being too pessimistic.

I'm the mother of sons. There have been three DILs, two of them exes (and although we were/are always civil, we don't miss them ). Our other DIL is a lifer, our beloved treasure. I'm lucky and proud to be her "other mother".

When it comes to Grandchildren; wonderful close grandparent relationship is between you and the children; regardless of whether you're the maternal or paternal GPs.

My own mum lives abroad, as I am not British. We have my British MIL here every week to visit our baby. We could not do it without her, and she knows she is always welcome (but calls beforehand anyway to see if it works for us). She is present and never overbearing. We both adore her, and hope our baby will, too.

If you are a wonderful person and your son and his future partner will be reasonable people, you will be welcomed in the grandchildren's life, whatever your exact blood relationship.

When I had DC my MIL said, "of course, you're not as close to your son's children as you are to your daughter's".

Don't say that.

I'm a mum of boys, I'm not sure if my children will even have children. They're in primary school. Why would I worry about that now?

I don't have a close relationship with my MIL because she's hard fucking work. I won't go into examples because that's not the point of this thread but when friends and family have met her the reaction is always the same. "What. The. Fuck".

But, my in laws have my boys more often than my parents do (by choice - we don't need either for childcare) as my mum helps my brother far more.

I'd love to have a MIL that was more like a second mum. I read about it on here and it makes me sad that I don't have that.

FWIW, I really like my MIL!

My friend has just broken up with her husband because he cheated on her, and now he lives with the other woman and is not bothering with his own son. He stopped speaking to his own mother because she refused to cut contact with my friend and her grandson. Now she’s there every day, helping with school pick ups, babysitting so my friend can go out, cooking for them etc. my friend says she’s a godsend. I’m a mother of a son and quite honestly I’m a good person so surely I’d get along with any potential future daughter in law (or son in law of course!) I’d like to think anyway.

And I don’t have a mother in law sadly.

Ahhh not at all. I love my mother in law, obviously not the same as my own mother but she's really special to me, as are the rest of my husbands family.

I think often on Mumsnet people post when they have bad experiences (I am certainly guilty of that at times!), but that means that you're only seeing one point of view.