To feel sad that I'll only be a MIL / other mother / other nan

[Thisismynamenow]

Following another post where OP is blatantly creating double standards between the frequency and allowance of MIL visiting over her DM, I feel very sad that this is the case for most people.

MN seems to demonise MILs and the 'Inlaw' family to a point where they should only be tolerated and visited as infrequently as possible and only out of duty not desire.

My MIL is hard work with multiple addition needs and narcissism as a result of past trauma so I don't have that usual MIL experience, but I do make lots of effort, go shopping with her, invite her for dinner regularly and spend alot of time with the DH side of the family.

My mom doesn't like her MIL either because my mom wasn't good enough for my dad apparently. I don't actually know anyone who likes their MIL :(

I have a baby son, and future children are likely to be sons (my DH family is mainly boys). I love my son massively but sad I'll likely always be a mother of sons. Sad because mother of sons always seem to be the other mother, the tolerated and hated one, some for good reason but others just because your not the DILs mom.

I hope to raise my son(s) to be independent, loving and committed, and would eventually love a DIL (or SIL whatever he wants) I could have a great relationship with rather than the negative one relayed on here. But reading all these posts makes me feel it's never going to happen and I'll just be the tolerated mother.

Is this just a MN thing hating MIL or is this reallife?

I don’t think this forum is an honest reflection of reality in this regard. The people with healthy IL relationships have no reason to post about it.

The horror stories on here are often one sided, extreme examples. But it does look very bleak that the default stance here is once you enter a relationship with somebody, you should be their only priority and their “old” family should back off.

But like I say, I find this exceptionally rare IRL and even people who aren’t keen on their in laws seem to all manage to muddle through okay.

I also have sons. My own mother has a bad relationship with both of her DILs. But a lot of that is of her own making. She is a suspicious, negative person, who finds it difficult to keep her thoughts to herself. Her expectations of people are set so high, no one could meet them. She jumps to conclusions, always comes up with the worst interpretation of events. So if DIL is asked to get something for her while shopping, and tells her there was none, she will always assume that DIL just didn’t bother. That’s a mild example.

On the other hand my MIL keeps her opinions to herself unless asked. She never criticises, has a positive outlook and fully supports her grown-up children, no matter what they do - unconditional love for the grandchildren too. Tolerant of taciturn teens, doesn’t take it personally. I am sure she has had lots to complain about her DILs over the years but she is basically not a selfish person, is tolerant and has set her expectations at a realistic level. She can be annoying at times, and I’m sure I annoy her at times too but we have a great relationship, never had a cross word in the 30 years I’ve know her.
I think it comes down to personality - and a bit of luck. If MIL and DIL are both interested in having a positive relationship, it can work really well. It can feel that it’s always the DILs family that ‘wins’ out but there are so many factors that can influence this. My kids have a much easier relationship with my MIL than my mother, as do I.

I had an awful relationship with MIL as she refused to acknowledge me even when I was in front of her. She chose to treat me with utter disrespect and disgust from day 1. However she started to show more interest once marriage was on the cards and a grandchild and I remained civil.

Now after my H had an affair and our marriage is destroyed she is like a second mum to me. It's bitter sweet really as she has been amazing. A great support, unjudgemental, taken our child at the drop of a hat to support us and shown me and her grandchild unwavering love. I also am a mother of a son and worried I would have an awful relationship with and DIL but if you are a decent person who respects other people's boundaries and opinions even when they don't align with your own then there can be a great relationship. I no longer feel destined to always be the 2nd best mother or grandmother. I instead focus on being the best mum I can be in the hope he will want me in his life as an adult

It has more to do with your relationship with your son, rather than he being a son. And your relationship with any future daughter in law.
I get on well with my mil, my husband's ex did not. So my mil has not much of a relationship at all with my stepsons, but a good one with my children.

As a pp has said, people don’t come on here to post about someone they have a good relationship with.

I’m not at all close to mine. I did make a big effort but MiL was clearly never going to be a fan, so I gave up and now she just gets politeness for the sake of my DH. However, before we lost her, I was very close to stepMiL, who was absolutely wonderful and I miss her very much. Just be nice and the chances are you’ll have a good relationship with your future DiLs.

I think it really depends more on different personalities rather than if you are a mother to sons or daughters.

I didn't get on with my MIL largely because she disliked me before we'd even met and refused to have anything to do with me for months (she preferred my OH's previous GF and couldn't get over their break up). She then tried to interfere in our relationship at every opportunity. I found this very difficult to deal with and it drove a huge wedge between us and between her and her son also.

On a positive note it taught me a valuable lesson and I go out of my way to have a good, understanding relationship with my potential DILs and I don't stick my nose in to my son's relationships!!

Stop seeing your own MIL if she’s evil, simple.
The most loving relationship I’ve seen is with a woman and her MIL. So someone with sons. She’s closer than with her own MIL

I think on MN you only hear the bad stuff. We are careful to treat each set of GPs as equally as we can in terms of frequency of visits etc.

I think sometimes its a logistical thing as much as anything else. GPs who love closer to their GC tend to have a closer relationship and be more involved. Our parents are each about an hour away so its easy to treat them the same.

My MIL is really hard work at times but we put in the work as we want her to be a part of our kids lives. They adore her. (It helps that DH finds her hard work too, so it's not just me)

My MIL is a lovely woman, she's always gone out of her way to be kind to me.
We're not mega close because we lived in different countries for many years but she's always done all she can to help us.

If you are a good person and have a good relationship with your son then I'm sure it will be ok.

If it makes you feel better I think my MIL is wonderful… she lives close by so we see each-other regularly and we happily spend time together without DH. She’s amazing with the DC too. It doesn’t always have to be a cliche.

People come on here to moan. No one starts a psot saying I love my MIL, she's so lovely and we love hanging out, AIBU to think that Mils are cooler than cookies?? So you only hear one side.

I have every faith in having a decent relationship with my future DILs. Our boys see that we treat both Nans equally, their Dad calls him Mom several times a week and we see both Nans. I do Nan present shopping generally so they get similar spent on them. There's no disparity. DH wouldn't tolerate me reading his Mom like shit and he wouldn't tolerate her treating me like shit. I have every faith I too will be able to treat the adults my kids pick with respect and equanimity.

MN is just MN, it's not real life.

My MIL is great (and a lot less annoying than my mum*!)

*I do love my mum too

I have lovely, happy relationships with my daughters in law, and I know they would say the same about me. MN seems to major on dysfunctional relationships and families, perhaps because you don’t need to ask for advice or support on a forum of your real-life relationships are all healthy.

I'd love to like my MIL but she's just not interested in our lives. Her son walked out on me and our children 6 weeks ago and haven't heard from her since. - we'd been married a long time.

My inlaws are fine, but geographically distant so don't help us with anything really. However, both DH and I lsugh about how we're glad he has the MIL he has and not the one my brothers wife has! Ie my mother.

She's just so different with my SIL, but then, they treat her differently to how we treat my parents, so its swings and roundabouts I guess.

Treat a future DIL with respect and you'll get it back. Or it might be that your son may not marry a woman, or may not marry at all!

I'm closer to my MIL than my own mother.

I see my MIL a lot. We are close and I love her. I always tried to keep things equal for the two grandmas when my children were little, in terms of spending time with them, who gets to spend Xmas Day together, that kind of thing. My mum isn’t around anymore so I’m even closer to my MIL now, but I’ve certainly never had a difficult relationship with her. She and I are totally different characters but we get on very well.

As PP have pointed out, most people don't come on here to praise their MILs. Of course you're going to see lots of negatives.

In real life, most people I know have a perfectly cordial relationship with their MILs ranging from polite and friendly but not close, to genuinely close. I find my MIL a bit difficult at time, but we see her regularly, I'm always happy to have her over etc. And when she was more mobile her and I would often go shopping or we'd leave the kids with her etc etc.

The friend whose relationship with her MIL is the most challenging of all those I know nonetheless still is perfectly able to spend time with them, happy for them to be with the DC and regularly waves her DH and the DC off for weekends with them while she gets on with other things. She does require venting time ahead of their visits admittedly, as they have form for making plans that are crazily inconsiderate and rude, but we usually do an energetic walk with the dogs and a large coffee to help her get it out of her system!

Hi OP, I really wouldn't worry about this. People only usually post about something if it is going badly and they need to vent or ask advice so you ate not getting a true picture of many people's experiences.

I had a great relationship with my MIL and loved her to bits. Sadly she passed away suddenly in 2020. I miss her loads and I'm gutted for my husband and his sister.

Another thing would be putting the effort in before grandchildren are on the cards.

Over and over there are posts where the MIL has had a distant relationship, but now the DIL is pregnant the MIL is expecting to have visits twice a week and the baby for overnights.

This never going to make for happy relationships.

I love my MIL. But she’s probably one of the kindest women. She treats my older children (not her grandchildren) as her own. And goes beyond for them.

the only thing that’s made me pause for thought is that my SIL (who is legitimately batshit, but also absolutely lovely in small doses), is jealous of our relationship which prompted MIL to be rather rude to me when I asked her if she’d like to have regular visits to see DD (he grandchild who she is besotted with). From that point I don’t ever extend invitations to her but I do nudge DH (because he never thinks to, and I do like her).

she was at the birth of her first grandchild, we go on holiday together and she’s always welcome whenever she asks to visit. And we spend Christmas with her (because she wants us to).

if you’re nice and welcoming to your child’s partner and form a positive relationship with your DIL I don’t see why you wouldn’t have a good relationship.

there is a remote possibility your child may get together with someone who just doesn’t consider you part of her family but then it’s down to your child to include you.

MN is only going to be a snapshot of bad relationships, as people coem on here asking for advice.

It really isn't always like that. Both DH and I got on very well with our IL's and regarded them as family as much as our own parents. Now, as the parents of adult sons, we get on fine with both DIL's...

Well, the thing is that you get to decide what type of MIL you want to be! As loads of other posters have said, if you have a good relationship with your son and then are kind, positive, respectful towards your son's partner, you'll be fine. You get to choose how you behave.

For what it's worth, my MIL is absolutely wonderful. I'd do anything for her and she for me and my family.

TBH I would file it under things that aren't really worth worrying about.

I have sons, and the way I look at it is that I have to enjoy them now, when they start their own lives i may or may not be heavily involved, who knows, even daughters move away.

i'm just grateful to have them at all as that was not necessarily a given and a lot of people don't have kids they dearly want or wanted.

I tell myself the same thing when they are driving me mad - a lot of people would love to be getting driven mad by their kids.

I have had two MILs and adored them both. My first one supported me when I divorced her son. I feel really sorry for women who have difficult ones.