To feel sad that I'll only be a MIL / other mother / other nan

[Thisismynamenow]

Following another post where OP is blatantly creating double standards between the frequency and allowance of MIL visiting over her DM, I feel very sad that this is the case for most people.

MN seems to demonise MILs and the 'Inlaw' family to a point where they should only be tolerated and visited as infrequently as possible and only out of duty not desire.

My MIL is hard work with multiple addition needs and narcissism as a result of past trauma so I don't have that usual MIL experience, but I do make lots of effort, go shopping with her, invite her for dinner regularly and spend alot of time with the DH side of the family.

My mom doesn't like her MIL either because my mom wasn't good enough for my dad apparently. I don't actually know anyone who likes their MIL :(

I have a baby son, and future children are likely to be sons (my DH family is mainly boys). I love my son massively but sad I'll likely always be a mother of sons. Sad because mother of sons always seem to be the other mother, the tolerated and hated one, some for good reason but others just because your not the DILs mom.

I hope to raise my son(s) to be independent, loving and committed, and would eventually love a DIL (or SIL whatever he wants) I could have a great relationship with rather than the negative one relayed on here. But reading all these posts makes me feel it's never going to happen and I'll just be the tolerated mother.

Is this just a MN thing hating MIL or is this reallife?

I think it's about balance. I have had great experiences with my MIL but I have also had bad ones. For instance when she came to visit us she was happy to sit with baby and help around the house, she was really relaxed, supportive and understanding.

When we went to visit her for a month (different country) she was the same at first but then became a bit too much for me and DH. Started off with small things like telling us how to burp her, we need to bring her swimming and telling us how we should be feeding her. To picking up baby everytime I put her down for carpet time, telling me I was weaning wrong getting annoyed with baby's routine as it meant her aunt's weren't getting enough time with her or she would bring visitors to meet baby after her bedtime. She offered to get baby nappies whilst out one day and despite DH telling her what size to get, she decided she knew better and came back with ones far too big which ended up leaking.

It became far too much for me an DH, who had to step in and tell her it was too much and she then huffed and told him she had 5 babies and knew better!!! I will also say, we have had times when my mum was too much and I spoke to her as well.

I don't think it's inevitable that that MIL/DIL won't get along, it's about respect. But I will say when we have had difficulties with both out mother's it stemmed from them not respecting our authority as parents. It's like they treated their grandchild as an extension of their parenthood of us and wanted things their way.

I think if you respect any future DIL's and their role as mother you will have a good relationship.

I really like my PILs, we see them a lot. My DH also takes the kids to my PILs for the day to give me a break. They very rarely impose on us and expect us to host which I think helps a lot. They are always happy to host us and feed us and they’re really laid back people. Zero parental judgement coming from them as well which is great.

I love my ex-MIL, we got on fantastically when I was married to her son, we even lived with them for a while. I have been divorced for 18 years now, but she is still my daughter's Grandmother. My daughter is an adult now but we all still see each other regularly. As PPs have said, you will only ever read of the problem relationships on MN, the majority of people get on with their in-laws just fine, and no-one needs advice about that. Just raise your sons to be decent human beings, foster caring relationships with your DILs, don't "pick sides" in any divorces/separations, and everything should be good. With kindness, don't spend the next 20 years worrying about a problem that doesn't exist yet, and probably never will.

I have a baby son, and future children are likely to be sons (my DH family is mainly boys). I love my son massively but sad I'll likely always be a mother of sons. Sad because mother of sons always seem to be the other mother, the tolerated and hated one, some for good reason but others just because your not the DILs mom.

Your whole OP is on the premise of a child who you may or may not have being male because of bollocks reasoning which doesn't have a genetic basis to it and stereotypes about relationships with MILs which have no bearing on your own relationships. It assumes your son will get married.

None of which you know or are set in stone.

Don't be so ridiculous! Actually get on with living rather than worrying about a total and utter 'what if'!

I love my DIL there is no friction between us as I recognise that she is number one in my son and grandson's lives just as she should be. I'm not demanding at all, help out where I can and there are no issues. I actually see them more than she sees her mother who she lives closer too but isn't close to emotionally.

I was very close to my paternal grandparents, I have thanked my mother for that, as she was instrumental in that happening, it makes me love my mother more. I have always had that in mind when it comes to my MIL too. Sadly my ILs prefer my SILs children, to the point they call the eldest "our favourite". I do love them though and try to maintain a good relationship with them. They're good people.

I love my MIL. Genuinely absolutely adore her, almost as much as my own mother. We have a fantastic relationship, we're very close, and she's very close with my children, much closer than my own mother. She's just a fantastic person, she has absolutely non of the traits that get complained about on MN. She's always been lovely to me, long before we got married and had kids, starting with going out of her way to make me feel welcome in her family when I visited with OH. In short, she really put the effort into establishing a good relationship right from the start of my relationship with my DH, she was always warm and kind, with not even a hint of judgement. I don't think I can take much credit here, I do think it's all been down to my MIL, she has flawless interpersonal skills, when I don't think I can say the same about myself! She's just the dream grandparent too, helpful without overstepping, and my kids adore her. Basically just try to be a lovely as my MIL, and I'm sure you'll have a great relationship with your future DIL/SIL/grandkids.

If you're a good MIL you shouldn't have that experience...

I'll second this; my MIL is wonderful.

I think that parents and in-laws tend to get seen as much or little as circumstances (such as distance and their behaviour) make appropriate. For me visiting the in-laws is an incredibly pleasant and relaxing way of spending family time, whereas (keeping things vague for non-outing purposes) visits to my side of the family are much more of a pleasant enough obligation that I do for others more than for myself.

People tend to like doing things which are easy and pleasant - I presume that when you become a grandparent the better job you can do of making your visits to family and theirs to yours a simple, pleasant, easy, stress-free experience then it'll happen more often. If there's drama, or nastiness, or you never have food in so can't even offer the kids a sandwich then visits are liekly to be shorter and less frequent.

I love my MIL (and FIL). Not in a Mum role (my own mum passed away a few years before DC), but i am so happy to have her/them in our lives. I take time to take DC to visit them and have been on holiday with them without DH. They are great!!!

I have boys and I’m not worried. My MIL rarely sees my boys, rarely bothers with us, asks how they’re doing once every couple of months and when we do see her it always feels as though she’s doing it out of obligation rather than because she wants to see them. Other times she’s cancelled visits last minute because she wanted to see her friends instead, some of those times she didn’t even let us know until the following day so we were waiting for her not knowing she wasn’t coming. There’s no bond there, they don’t even know that she’s ‘nan’ as she’s pretty much a stranger to them.

My mum is the complete opposite and they love her to bits. This isn't because she’s my mum, and MIl is my husbands mum, it’s because my mum makes a huge effort (I say effort but it comes across naturally).

I will be the same with my boys and their children. If you as a MIL make the effort to bond with your sons wife and to bond with, and love their children, see them often, ask about them often and be a nan who adores her grandchildren then you won’t have a problem. Children use the term ‘other nan’ for the one who is called nan but who they don’t really know or love.

Your son might not even have children.

I separated from my ex before my dd was even born, but his mother was always really good to us and my dd grew up viewing her as a second mother.

My own mother is a horrible horrible person and I'm so grateful I have my mother in law. She's everything I ever could have asked for in a mother

YABU. You also need to get a bit of a grip - you have one child so far, he is a baby and you are already catastrophising about relationships with his future wife/husband?

Following another post where OP is blatantly creating double standards between the frequency and allowance of MIL visiting over her DM, I feel very sad that this is the case for most people

I've no idea which thread this is about but if you are talking the immediate post natal period - women should be allowed to have whoever they want, even if its godzilla.

If you are talking in general - what is this based on? What evidence? Distance is usually the main determinant of visiting - distant family are going to be less frequent visitors. If its based on threads on MN - well people post about problems, not everything running smoothly.

If you want good relations with future DiL/SiLs then treat them as you would want to be treated and not surrogate mothers for your own child. Expect to have some differences in views and aim for working relationship not BFF. Anything else grows from there.

Mostly though - you might want to think about why in general, people talk more about DiL/MiL relationships than SiL/MiL or DiL/FiL relationships. Largely its because we still live in a male dominated society which sets up women against each other with respect to men.

It's a bit like customer reviews online OP. A happy person might tell Facebook what a good experience they had. A unhappy person will tell Facebook, twitter, trustpilot, Google and anyone they happen to meet along the way.

MN is a place lots of people vent. There might be 3000 users who have a great relationship with their mother in law and only 300 who don't. But it's the 300 you hear from. Because they're pissed off and need advice or to vent. The 3000 are happily chatting to their mother in law and not posting about them.

I loved my MIL so much. But then everyone did because she was just a lovely, loving and accepting person. It also helped that my own mum was and is the opposite.

I'm glad I have girls though, because I'm quite introverted and a bit socially clumsy. So some DILs might find it hard work or misinterpret my intentions or words however hard I tried. It's a lot easier to be accepted as a MIL if you're naturally easy company.

I love my MIL she's wonderful, we have her over for dinner quiet often.. My XH mother only seem to like me when the marriage broke down. We got along, had plenty in common and were nice enough to each other. I just wasn't her type of person and honestly she wasn't mine.
I have more sons than daughters and do hope I'm not seen as the horrid MIL when they are older.

This.

MN is a snapshot of some appalling MIL behaviour. It's also a snapshot of some appalling mother behaviour - so I don't think MILs are singled out. It's totally subjective. If you treat people with consideration then you shouldn't expect any drama, unless you get massively unlucky and end up with a horrible DIL!

Also, most people post when they have a problem or dilemma. So you're not likely to read tons of glowing stories on here.

It's quite simple op.
People distance themselves from their in-laws when it is hard work. Be judgemental, interfering and downright unpleasant and you'll be held at arms length. Try to enforce your own way ditto.
This goes for both sets of grandparents.
Expect your dil to do the social work your son should be, you'll get resentment. Expect to get your own way and start playing him off against his wife, he'll have to choose and he may not choose you.
Then there's the fact your son may not even want or be able to have children. Or he might have a husband instead of a wife (who probably won't have the added expectations of sexism in his role)
The fact that you are giving this so much headspace says to me you need to chill out a bit. Nothing worse than a mother in law who creates problems that are not there.

A big part of it is accepting grandchildren do not belong to you. You had your go at parenting. Your role as a GC is to be a loving, stable and kind presence and above all support your dil and sons parenting decisions.

My MIL is fantastic. I don't post about it on MN because what is there to say/ask? I don't have a problem.

I love her as do all her daughters in law (she only had sons). My bil and sil live around the corner from her and my sil is better than a daughter to her. All the grandkids adore her and she minded them all. She stays with us for weeks at a time. My sil had her living with her for nearly a year at one point.

Don't be taking a view on MILs from people on MN posting about problematic relationships.

People will naturally post when they have an issue. They are plenty of people who post with difficult mothers but lovely MIL too.

My mum died when I was a child and so there would definitely not have been any competition/automatic favouritism between my MIL and my mother - I would have very much welcomed a closer relationship for me (and DH) and our DC. We don't have one but she also doesn't have a great relationship with her own daughter or have any real friends and there are reasons for this - just luck of the draw to some extent.

I hated my in-laws, they were clearly not happy that I had ‘taken’ their son and had issues with my religion. I have to say though I have grown to care for them. I don’t wish to spend time I don’t need to with them but can have conversations, ask for advice and even at times enjoy their company. At the end of the day they love my DD and are an important part of her life.
My brothers wife loves my parents. She txts my mum often and enjoys spending time with her. I have to say I’d like their relationship if I could have it with mine. It just depends on personalities I suppose. I think my MIL and I are both strong , independent characters so possibly a clash there. My brother is close to my parents though and even from when he first moved out he kept in regular contact, maybe this has helped 🤷🏻‍♀️