To feel sad that I'll only be a MIL / other mother / other nan

[Thisismynamenow]

Following another post where OP is blatantly creating double standards between the frequency and allowance of MIL visiting over her DM, I feel very sad that this is the case for most people.

MN seems to demonise MILs and the 'Inlaw' family to a point where they should only be tolerated and visited as infrequently as possible and only out of duty not desire.

My MIL is hard work with multiple addition needs and narcissism as a result of past trauma so I don't have that usual MIL experience, but I do make lots of effort, go shopping with her, invite her for dinner regularly and spend alot of time with the DH side of the family.

My mom doesn't like her MIL either because my mom wasn't good enough for my dad apparently. I don't actually know anyone who likes their MIL :(

I have a baby son, and future children are likely to be sons (my DH family is mainly boys). I love my son massively but sad I'll likely always be a mother of sons. Sad because mother of sons always seem to be the other mother, the tolerated and hated one, some for good reason but others just because your not the DILs mom.

I hope to raise my son(s) to be independent, loving and committed, and would eventually love a DIL (or SIL whatever he wants) I could have a great relationship with rather than the negative one relayed on here. But reading all these posts makes me feel it's never going to happen and I'll just be the tolerated mother.

Is this just a MN thing hating MIL or is this reallife?

It's just the nature of mumsnet, it's a mainly female forum where people complain so it's the husbands mother is a problem, the husband is a problem. Not many come on here to admit that they are the problem.
My MiL died ages ago and she treated me like a daughter, she was amazing.

Avoid listening to mumsnet or instead of worrying about your future mother in law you'll be worried about raising a violent abuser, potential rapist etc as that's the default view of men.

My mil is lovely and we've always had a really good relationship. I can get on with most people. If I end up with a not so lovely dil then I fully intend just to leave her to it.

No one's going to write a post about how much they love their MIL and how great she is with their kids. It's not Trust Pilot.

FWIW I have a great relationship with my MIL and she is wonderful with our son/her grandson. I only wish we could see her more, but sadly we live in different parts of the country.

My MIL is lovely and objectively easier to get on with then my own mum, but we do see her less often. Part of that is distance, but mainly it's because DH never organises anything without prompting and I refuse to take on the wife-work of organising his family relationships. Poor MIL also generally gets last minute Christmas gifts for the same reason, not my mum so not my responsibility.

Teach your son (and your daughters, which you may well have) to take equal responsibility for maintaining their own relationships.

I love my MIL. She rings me to check in more often than my own mother! Some of the experiences on MN are the compete opposite end of the spectrum to mine.

I adore my DPs mum. She is absolutely smashing with our kids. She adores them and they adore her. We certainly see her more than my parents.

She never interferes and is always helpful and cheerful. She is not the smartest woman but she is very kind and means well. I think you get out of it what you put.

Saying this my previous MIL was great fun to be around but quite patronising and arrogant so I was a lot less likely to instigate contact.

This infuriates me.

Why do people ignore all the posts from daughters who despise their Mothers?

Or those why are no contact?

If you are kind, fair and helpful, your family will love you.

I listened to Maxine Peake's Desert Island Discs today - she lived with her Step Granddad from 15 to 21. She adored him.

Just stop with all this bloody nonsense talk.

I don't agree that if you're kind fair and helpful your family will love you.
I'm willing to bet most everyone who has family issues imagines themselves to be kind fair and helpful. But for one thing, it tends to be subjective, and for another, some people are so difficult and hostile that you couldn't win them over if you were a saint.
I've seen a thread on here with a DiL berating her MiL for buying a rug for the babys nursery. DiL considered it overstepping. MiL no doubt thought it kind.
A more recent thread saw posters claiming grandparents were obliged to offer free childcare to be helpful. MiL might think its quite helpful enough to babysit once a month.
For in laws to love each other both parties need to be kind fair and helpful, and more importantly to have a shared understanding of what that means.

YABU. I get on really well with MIL, include her in everything and we see MIL and FIL a lot. Don’t worry - just be warm, loving and a nice person. Hopefully your DS will grow up to marry someone lovely.

I think most people use MN to ask for advice when things are wrong or when there's a problem or to have a rant. I love my MIL she's absolutely fab and I feel very lucky.

I've seen a thread on here with a DiL berating her MiL for buying a rug for the babys nursery.

Context?
A mil who has been explicitly told not to gender/colour code a baby and then buys a pink Princess rug, I can see that overstepping boundaries.

A dil who is excited to decorate her baby's nursery/buy shoes and mil swoops in and does it first. I can see that grating.

I'm curious as to how that thread was phrased because I can't quite picture it.

OP your relationship with your children as adults will entirely depend upon your parenting, not their partners

Well, that's clearly not true, is it?

Yabu. Your giving way too much headspace to a situation that hasn't even happened yet. Your understanding on biology is poor I'd rectify that.

I have a great relationship with my mil. Me and the kids see her as much as my own mum n dad and have as many holidays and visits with the pils. My DH however calls her a lot less than his DSisters do and he's not really swapped to the supportive adult role in the way his DSis has. Still the son. Annoys me sometimes the way he seems to take her for granted, but I know deep down that he doesn't.

I wouldn't want my mum as a MIL. My husband, BIL and SIL know she doesn't like them. She doesn't like me or my siblings much either 😆

It’s definitely not real life OP. Please don’t worry. I absolutely adore my MIL, we spent the day together yesterday with my children. We have a trip to the Christmas markets booked for the end of November. I speak to her every other day on the phone and see her at least once a week. We’re really close and she is an amazing Granny to my children, something I will never take for granted.

If you never tell your dil she isn't good enough you might do better than most mil.

My mil told me I was boring, never asked after her life and far inferior to her other dil. So why would I go out of my way to talk to her about my boring life?

When my boys bring home their partners I'm going to remember interactions aren't feedback on a job interview. That I think would be a good start.

It's weird that FIL has never once made a personal attack on me

this whole boys only in families doesn’t exist. There’s no medical or hereditary reason that people can only have one gender of kids. It’s just coincidence. Sadly yes you’re right though, many women only tolerate their MIL.

Although I have heard the more terestorone (sorry can't spell it) you have the more likely you are to have girls. Although probably just my husband thinking he's being funny lol

But that’s ok.
Each partner in a relationship will prefer their own mother.

MIL needs to accept this and maintain a good and respectful approach to DIL and neither be bossy nor needy. She needs to treat her son like an adult, not a child. And she shouldn’t lean on him but should allow him to focus on his new family. She should be loving and welcoming always to her grandchildren and the more she wants to see them the more she should be prepared to offer (not demand) in return - babysitting etc.

Hopefully DIL won’t be controlling and selfish (some are!) and will allow a good relationship to develop between her DC and their grandmother. Hopefully the son will have the common sense not to marry a woman who clearly will not mesh at all with his family.

Not real life! My own mum is hard work, always has been. Now I'm an adult I have not much choice but to accept it because what else can you do? We get along better now but I'm more of the parent and always giving advice etc. I think she knows she was not great when I was young but we just don't talk about it and we spend time together and do our best to be close. I wouldn't rush to her if I was in a crisis though. My MIL on the other hand is a dream. I feel relaxed around her, supported and I do the things with her that I wish my mum would have done with me growing up. She's so very kind to me and we are very similar people. After our first proper outing, just the two of us I was actually buzzing feeling like I finally had that older female to look up to and get a bit of guidance from. It took me ages because of my own mum to realise just how much she liked me and after a while we have built up such a good friendship, I sometimes forget she's my MIL or anything to do with my partner lol. I am very lucky and I'm sure lots of DIL's feel the same. I don't think I'd ever be able to really tell her how much I appreciate her but I hope all the MIL's out there know they're loved.

I love my mil. She's brilliant. I suppose I do see a bit more of my mum but still see her very often, including just me and dc, and she has been on holiday with us many times.

Things I love - she is very kind and a great support, she never complains about anyone or anything, she has never criticised me or judged me.

My dad left when I was 11 (never saw him again) when I was 20 my mum left (when we all moved out) and moved 150 miles away because it’s what her husband wanted.

She has only been to one of my daughters 4 birthdays & one out of 5 Christmas’s, has a holiday booked over my son’s 1st birthday (reason: he won’t remember me being there anyway)
Went to Spain for 6 weeks when my first child was 3 weeks old.
Cant see why I am upset about any of these things, and it’s all because I’m too sensitive.

My MIL on the other hand, been at every Christmas & every birthday.
We go for afternoon tea and spa days. She is constantly in the kids lives and always here for Sunday dinner.
i absolutely love my MIL, where as I do love my mum, she has unfortunately created a lot of resentment in me towards her by her actions.

Don’t worry at all. I didn’t used to be so close with my MIL but I would be completely lost without her now ❤️

DH family is all boys too, and we have a DD. I've included MIL in most things, she joined me and mum when I chose my wedding dress and came to my hen night. She found a perfect wedding venue for us. Also she stayed with me through the night in the delivery room (and passed the sick pan just in time!) And when DH and my mum went home for a bit after DD's birth and I was absolutely shattered, she got to have lots of one on one new baby cuddles while I tried to get some sleep.

She's stubborn and has the odd strop over the most ridiculous things, but she's definitely not been distanced from our family. The in laws are a bit closer to our house so we probably see them more than my mum really.

Oh for gods sake! People don't like their mother in laws when their mother in laws are unlikeable. It's no more complicated than that.

And you might have six girls yet.