To feel sad that I'll only be a MIL / other mother / other nan

[Thisismynamenow]

Following another post where OP is blatantly creating double standards between the frequency and allowance of MIL visiting over her DM, I feel very sad that this is the case for most people.

MN seems to demonise MILs and the 'Inlaw' family to a point where they should only be tolerated and visited as infrequently as possible and only out of duty not desire.

My MIL is hard work with multiple addition needs and narcissism as a result of past trauma so I don't have that usual MIL experience, but I do make lots of effort, go shopping with her, invite her for dinner regularly and spend alot of time with the DH side of the family.

My mom doesn't like her MIL either because my mom wasn't good enough for my dad apparently. I don't actually know anyone who likes their MIL :(

I have a baby son, and future children are likely to be sons (my DH family is mainly boys). I love my son massively but sad I'll likely always be a mother of sons. Sad because mother of sons always seem to be the other mother, the tolerated and hated one, some for good reason but others just because your not the DILs mom.

I hope to raise my son(s) to be independent, loving and committed, and would eventually love a DIL (or SIL whatever he wants) I could have a great relationship with rather than the negative one relayed on here. But reading all these posts makes me feel it's never going to happen and I'll just be the tolerated mother.

Is this just a MN thing hating MIL or is this reallife?

I love my MIL and we have a great relationship. She is very close to our DC.

Our entire wider families have become beautifully linked, in fact! We live in different countries and my DH's aunts and uncles have gone to stay with my parents in their own, and vice Versa.

If it helps @Thisismynamenow I’m a mil with a fantastic dil.
Don't get me wrong there are definitely more photos of her own family in their home, dil rolls her eyes at me sometimes and I watch what I say.
However what I care about is seeing my ds and dgs and dil has never once stood in the way of this.
Dgs spends 2 weeks every summer with us.

Dil and I send each other silly messages and she will often ring me when she’s walking the dog.
My ds facilitates our relationship because he cares about us, his parents, and dil knows that he wouldn’t cut us out of his life ever.

My advice is to raise strong and independent sons who know you love them and they will be resilient enough to continue a good relationship with you regardless of what their dp’s think as long as you are supportive but not interfering.
And bite your lip, a lot.

It’s only myself and my daughter so I hope if my daughter does have a MIL at some point in her life it’ll widen her family and she will be part of their family. She has a boyfriend and is close to his family and it’s lovely to see.

You can have such a special relationship with a MIL because you don’t have the baggage/history that you have with your own DM.

So many threads on here are caused by weird dynamics of jealousy etc. I will always be my son’s mother. He’s only tiny at the moment, but I will always aim to love and support the person he chooses, and not feel the need to compete.

All I can do is bring him up to be kind, compassionate, respectful, competent etc, and trust that his choices of partner will be right for him. And see his partner as an addition to our family, rather than a threat to my position/relationship with him.

Another one who loves her mother in law and has managed to build a great relationship.

It's not perfect, we don't always do things or see things the same way. But we both put the effort in. I made sure she had/has solo time with the grandchildren and their relationship is brilliant.

I have a very strong relationship with my own mum, but there's room for everyone. You just have to find out where everyone fits in.

There's no point me posting this on here as there's no Aibu or drama to solve. The world is full of people getting on and having a nice relationship, you just don't hear about them!

My MIL is lovely, and she has three sons. Her friends always told her she'd never see her grandchildren, but out of the three sets of grandchildren, there is only one that is a bit of a difficult relationship. I wouldn't worry, and you may well have girls, there is no predictive value in the number of sons in a family.

You know if you are a kind person and they are too it shouldn't be bad. Myself and mil have a very fractured relationship unfortunately, it used to be ok but I feel very let down by her and her behaviour. Usually people don't just 'bash' mil for no reason.

It doesn’t have to be that way.
If you’re lovely, kind and thoughtful to your ds and any future grandchildren, the hopefully they will want you in their lives. Why wouldn’t they? If your critical, overbearing, judgmental and unkind, then no, they probably will distance themselves from you.

Honestly my daughter in law is Wonderful. We gave a great relationship. I treat her like my own. Very good relationship.

People only come on here to talk about in-laws when there's a problem. I bet there's loads of people like me who have good relationships with their sons partners x

I really like my MIL and we probably spend more time with her than my mum! Don't assume the worst before it's even begun.

I have three grown up sons and have a great relationships with all their partners. Everyone gets on with each other and we’re always having girls days out and breaks away. I also get on with the girl’s mums and have days out with them too. Life is too short.

I don't know if it's a helpful perspective but we weren't able to have children. We'll never be any kind of parents or grandparents at all ever.

Your own personal relationship might or might not be everything you've ever fantasised about - but you have the power to try to build it by being a helpful and supportive and kind parent and grandparent.

This is such an odd post!

1. There's no reason you wouldn't have daughters. Even if your DH has a genetic predisposition to have sons (he produces more y chromosomes than x), it's a rigged die rather than a guarantee, he can still father girls. And you don't even know that he carries this gene, you just think that he might because there's a lot of boys in his family.
2. There's no reason to suppose grandchildren born from a son rather than a daughter would be less close. It depends on the individual family dynamics. You might have a gay son, you might have a son whose partner doesn't get on with her family, you might just have a son who ends up living close by you and further away from his partner's family, you might have a son who ends up with sole parental responsibility for his children. There are a million situations in which your son might stil be close to you as an adult, and probably a million more why he might not. It depends on upbringing and family dynamics much more than your child's sex.
3. There's no blanket MIL dislike. It usually takes time to build a relationship with in-laws because, by definition, you didn't grow up with them or have the same long-standing attachment that you have to your own family. Some people in life you get on with, others you don't as much, for a variety of reasons. If you love your partner and s/he gets on well with his/her family, then there's probably a better chance than not that you'll also get on with his/her family, but it will still take time to adjust to them and build a relationship. There's no reason a hypothetical DIL would dislike you just because you're the MIL.

To provide the other perspective by MiL is delightful! We spend loads of time together and I seek out her company - DD adored her and we see her and FIL most weeks (sadly my own parents live ages away so don't get to see them frequently but do talk a lot via video call).

Not everyone hates their MIL - I adore mine!

I'm close to my MiL, she does more for my DC than my mum and I have more day to day contact with her. Maybe because she has several children and lots of grandchildren, she is not particularly overbearing and has always just been friendly and helpful. Maybe Mumsnet just has a lot of people complaining and moaning.

I think you’re being unreasonable. My brother’s kids ‘main grandma’ is definitely my mum but it’s because my mum makes an effort, she’s fun and easy to be around and has never made his partners (ex wife or future partner) feel like they’ve had something to prove! She’s always up for days out, always knows when to butt out, there’s never been a weird power play or emotional manipulation.

My MIL on the other hand… Flip all of that on its head and add narcissism to the mix.

The majority of MIL issues are actually DH issues. So to a certain extent, how well you get on with your DIL and your future grandchildren is dependent on what sort of man you raise.

The reason a lot of MILs don't have the relationship they want with their GC is that in the vast majority of families it is the woman who does the lion's share of the mental load and admin. It's the woman who organises days out, buys gifts, facilitates contact, books trips, etc etc etc, and obviously she would prioritise her own family. So if you want to have a close relationship with your son's family as an adult, you need to raise him to take responsibility for his own family life rather than abdicate that to his wife.

It does go both ways though.

It always seems down to the wife to put in the effort with her own family, and with her PILs. You say yourself that you make an effort with your MIL. Does your DH make that same effort with your parents?

I think it’s completely artificial to imagine that a woman would have the same relationship with her MIL as she would with her own mother. I think a lot of problems arise because sons don’t make the effort with their own parents and his wife is expected to do it instead.

My own mother and my SIL get on very well, so it is possible!

Happy to mention that as the mother of a three week old baby boy, I love and admire my mother in law. She's quite different to my own mum (who is bloody incredible) and I think that helps us get on even better as there's no "other mum" issues. She steps up for us when we need her, and us for her and I'm pleased it's the kind of MIL relationship I'll be able to model for my son.

If you raise your son to be a capable, independent, loving young man who takes an active role in organising his family life, then you should be fine. I think the issue here may be that some men devolve responsibility for arranging to see family, send birthday cards, do visits with kids to their partners, who then naturally gravitate to spending more time with their own M&D than their husbands’ family.

My kids have two mums so whoever they end up with will have two mothers in law, me and my wife - the lucky things 😉

I love my MIL. She's great, she is mad about her grandsons and a brilliant Granny. I see her more often than my own mum because she lives closer. I send lots of photos to the inlaws as well as to my own mum. We have a great relationship and me, dh and the kids go on holiday every year with my MIL and PIL. So it can be totally fine.

My MIL welcome here any time, she's not been for 3 years however, her choice completely, she's barely left her neighbourhood in that time. Instead my husband and kids are going to her this weekend. I get on fine with her but she's the one with this MIL thing. I don't get it and although I only have boys I'm going to be visiting any grandchildren I get! Times have changed, I know loads of MILs more involved than mother's mum.

Honestly think it is dependant on the mil. My ex mil, I still see regularly and speak too and sees her grandchild often. My current mil - horrid woman

I had a very difficult relationship with my DM and have an amazing relationship with my MiL - don’t assume your not going to have awesome DiLs and close ties with all GC.

I could write this too.
Hey, she’s not my personal bestie by any means…but she and our DC are very close. She has always been very respectful to me and always available at short notice to help with our DC/dog/cat/house. She bent over backwards - and I’m sure bit her lip many, many times when I found her irritating and pushed her away when I was tired.

I value her more and more as the years go by.