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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

'bro, you are never going to have a daughter, ever'

313 replies

thatlabguy · 19/10/2022 23:12

[after the 20 weeks baby scan]

watching my two sons celebrating that they are having another baby brother, their dad, me, a single child who spent the last 25 years dreaming that one day I will have a daughter of my own, has came to a realisation that this dream will stay a dream for the rest of my life.

As a grown up, I understand that I must 'stay strong', 'accept the fact', 'many parents dream to have three boys', 'be happy that the baby boy is healthy', and 'move on with my life'.

On the other hand, I am extremely worried that deep in my mind I will never accept the fact for not having a daughter for the rest of my like, the negative energy of 'dream not come true' accumulates and one day it will explode. Of course, I'd like to prevent it from happening but I have no idea where to start, it'd be lovely to know how parents who have already been through this and successfully moved on! Should I see a psychologist?

OP posts:

Isaidnoalready · 19/10/2022 23:16

I know some one who had eight boys in her pursuit of a girl I wpuod be lying if I told you her sons didn't notice

She now has a granddaughter im hoping she is content with that

Get some help if you feel you need it

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 19/10/2022 23:17

Gender disappointment is a real thing and you mustn’t feel bad about it.

What I would do is ask myself what I think a DD could bring to your life that a DS couldn’t. If it’s about all the stereotype stuff - shopping, nails etc, we’ll you could have a DD like mine who never goes anywhere without her football and wouldn’t wear a dress if you paid her. If it’s something deeper maybe it is worth exploring.

Either way, take care of yourself OP and don’t judge yourself so hardly

ladywithnomanors · 19/10/2022 23:17

Gender does not indicated the type of baby you’ll have.

Evianoff · 19/10/2022 23:20

I have 2 boys. Never having a daughter. Even if we kept going and had 50 babies. They would all be boys. There are fuck all girls in DH's family. All of the women have married in.

Sometimes I think its sad that I will never do XY and Z. Mostly, I am relieved. My own relationship with my mum is not the best. I find it difficult to relate to other females in general with friendships etc. (DM, DS and I are autistic). I was always afraid I would repeat my mums mistakes with a daughter. My mum is much closer to her only son than any of her daughters. I just think she never understood us.

ImustLearn2Cook · 19/10/2022 23:21

💐 This is something that is close to your heart so I think that you need to allow yourself to grieve. It is a loss of something you very much hoped for. And from my experience of grief (for something different) it really does get easier over time.

TheBirdintheCave · 19/10/2022 23:24

We're currently trying for number two (our last child) and also worry about how I'll feel if we have another boy. I'd so love to have one of each.

UWhatNow · 19/10/2022 23:25

YANBU. I desperately wanted a dd too and would’ve kept going until I got one.

My dds (now young adults) have the most wonderful bond with their dad, and I know they have thrived because of it. Girls need loving, engaged, responsible men in their life. It’s such a shame it won’t happen for you but I’m sure you’ll be a wonderful role model for your sons and you can hope for lovely DILs (possibly) and maybe granddaughters one day.

Magn · 19/10/2022 23:29

If you're that focused on having a girl over boys you would have spent the rest of your life either treating her differently or worrying you were. Isn't it worse to treat the sons you do have worse than to live without having a daughter?

It does sound like speaking to a therapist would be helpful to unpick why you feel that way. Once you talk it over you'll probably find it's totally irrational or irrelevant to your own situation anyway.

AloysiusBear · 19/10/2022 23:31

A lot of the stereotype things i expected from my relationship with my daughter i get from my son.

A huge amount is driven by the personality of the child, not their sex.

walkersareback · 19/10/2022 23:33

I am one of six, five girls and one boy - I am the oldest - I witnessed many many years of disappointment from my parents after the birth of yet another girl - any idea what that does to your self esteem?

I accept that they were also victims of societal pressure - Indian family - but I still find it hard to be warm towards my parents on my fifties- I love them but it was hard seeing tears, anger and disappointment each time a beautiful new sister was born. The pressures on my poor brother - the youngest - were/are so immense.

I am sorry but I find these kind of thread's depressing- love your kids and be grateful to have them - regardless of sex.

minipie · 19/10/2022 23:39

Ask yourself why you so want a daughter.

There isn’t an answer that isn’t rooted in sexist stereotypes IMO. Realising this may help you.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 19/10/2022 23:41

I have some of each. When they were younger made no difference, they were all their own little personality. As they have grown into adults there is a difference. I love them all the same, we are close, their partners are all lovely but the boys who have long term partners spend far more time with their partners family than their own. And the girls spend more time with us.

Page394 · 19/10/2022 23:42

I’m sure once your baby DS is here you will feel a sense of peace about it. You might always wonder what a daughter would have been like, but I don’t think you’ll always feel really sad about it.

Instead of thinking about what you are not getting, can you shift your mindset and think of all the lovely things that come with having 3 boys? A lovely, loud house full of laughter and noise and fun and cuddles. Forever the queen of the house. So much love and affection. My son gives the best cuddles. I’ve also learnt so much from him that I would never have known if I hadn’t had him. I know loads about cars and I genuinely enjoy watching football now! (Yes my son is a stereotypical boy who likes cars and football).

I personally find Boy Mums to be the best too. Can you sign up for some baby classes and make friends with other mums of boys? Safety in numbers and all that! Even after having my daughter, I’ve stuck with my boy mum friends, they’re so much fun!

Some people will tell you that you should just be grateful you can have children, but I think that’s really harsh. Gender disappointment is real. Be kind to yourself. And congratulations on your pregnancy.

DramaAlpaca · 20/10/2022 00:04

I also have three sons, now grown.

I'm sorry but I don't and can't identify with how you describe, OP. I simply don't understand why you wouldn't be content with your boys.

Each to their own I suppose.

ChocFrog · 20/10/2022 00:07

Most things in life you can at least try to control, or influence in some way. Career, home location, family relationships, love life etc.

Then (or not) come children and there is no way no negotiate or ‘try harder’ with biology. It’s a shock. And it’s so so painful. I’ll never have a daughter either. I wanted a huge family and I got a teeny family and medical issues preventing any more.

As the saying goes, “You get what you get and you don’t get upset.”

All you can do is allow yourself some private time alone to grieve the children you expected to have, and then work on acceptance. Speaking to a counsellor probably will help.

trelliskeeper · 20/10/2022 00:09

I’m confused about your thread title. Who said that and who did they say it to?

bloodyeverlastinghell · 20/10/2022 00:10

Isaidnoalready · 19/10/2022 23:16

I know some one who had eight boys in her pursuit of a girl I wpuod be lying if I told you her sons didn't notice

She now has a granddaughter im hoping she is content with that

Get some help if you feel you need it

I know someone like that 9 sons including twins and one final daughter.

Scottishflower65 · 20/10/2022 00:13

6 sons. Always just wanted a healthy baby. I honestly don’t understand a gender preference.

villamariavintrapp · 20/10/2022 00:24

I think if you think your feelings are going to impact on you, or how you feel about this baby, or your parenting, then yes get counselling to work through it. If you think your feelings will disappear when you see your baby, then just give it time. These threads probably aren't very helpful though, you'll get lots of responses as above saying that they didn't feel that way so you shouldn't. Or reassuring you of all the ways that boys are better anyway. Nonsense obviously. Everyone thinks their own kids are the best!

kitcat15 · 20/10/2022 00:41

DramaAlpaca · 20/10/2022 00:04

I also have three sons, now grown.

I'm sorry but I don't and can't identify with how you describe, OP. I simply don't understand why you wouldn't be content with your boys.

Each to their own I suppose.

Yeah we are all different people indeed...I personally would have not wanted to have 3 sons ..... I have loved raising both sees...like you say....each to their own

PinkyandtheBrainBrainBrainBrainBrain · 20/10/2022 00:47

I have two girls and when my youngest was born I had comments along the lines of “aww you’ll have been hoping for a boy”

Nope. Delighted with my girls.

i have noticed however, certainly in my own experience and from threads on the subject on here, that it’s usually mums of boys who struggle with gender disappointment. Why is that? Is it because they assume their girls will be closer? Care more for them?

Pastie123 · 20/10/2022 00:58

I also strongly wanted a girl and was delighted to have one.

for me it’s not about pretty dresses and shopping at all

I suppose it’s about a sense of identification, i wanted to raise a strong girl. I come from a family of strong opinionated women and I wanted a girl to share in that with.

I’ve met some lovely little boys but I find it weird in a way, the idea of parenting a boy into a man.

im sure your boys will grow up to be lovely young men.

I think psychology would be wise.

HighlandPony · 20/10/2022 01:00

I get you. I’m very much a boy mum. Love being a boy mum, love being a tomboy, love being one of the boys, bored shitless with my sisters. Bored shitless with my 7 lass cousins and do not get my nieces or my great niece. I’m shite with women and fucking terrible with lasses. I had a daughter 13 weeks ago and was devastated. But she’s actually ok. Hoping she grows up mini me and not girly. I get you. I understand the disappointment at not getting what you wanted. I can only tell you that it might be ok, he might be more than you expected in the end

ScaryFaces · 20/10/2022 01:04

I don't really understand gender disappointment and can't help thinking it stems from gender stereotypes, assuming the kind of person your child will be or the kind of relationship you have with them based on their sex. What do you imagine a daughter would be like that a son can't be?

ScaryFaces · 20/10/2022 01:05

HighlandPony · 20/10/2022 01:00

I'm amazed you can manage to bring yourself to spend time on mumsnet

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