'bro, you are never going to have a daughter, ever'

[thatlabguy]

[after the 20 weeks baby scan]

watching my two sons celebrating that they are having another baby brother, their dad, me, a single child who spent the last 25 years dreaming that one day I will have a daughter of my own, has came to a realisation that this dream will stay a dream for the rest of my life.

As a grown up, I understand that I must 'stay strong', 'accept the fact', 'many parents dream to have three boys', 'be happy that the baby boy is healthy', and 'move on with my life'.

On the other hand, I am extremely worried that deep in my mind I will never accept the fact for not having a daughter for the rest of my like, the negative energy of 'dream not come true' accumulates and one day it will explode. Of course, I'd like to prevent it from happening but I have no idea where to start, it'd be lovely to know how parents who have already been through this and successfully moved on! Should I see a psychologist?

I do get your sad...counselling will help. it's quite shocking that people have so many children until they get the one they want. In this say and age on an overpopulated planet especially! And the sheer cost of it!!

thats a really thoughtless message. Bully for you. @DramaAlpaca is trying to tell the op that she’s content with things. It’s what the op needs to hear. Op, I have boys, and they are great. I sometimes imagine what it would be like to have a girl, after all boy-girl that’s what almost everyone probably hopes for, but actually my boys are wonderful, and yours will be too. I know someone with 4 girls, and I gotta admit, I used to pity her. Not so much now I have kids. Her girls are each human beings, much more than their sex (or gender!).

I have one of each and was very happy with that. My dd has two amazing boys and the joy, love and laughter in that family including dsil would be the envy of anyone. Dd was advised not to have more after birth of her youngest. The boys are now 13 and 16 and wonderful young people so far.
My ds has one child, a dd now aged 23 and their family of 3 has always been very content and fulfilled. Families come in many shapes and pinning hopes on gender or any other physical factor is pointless and the disappointment in itself can be so harmful to the relationships involved.

I agree with you.
A child is a blessing, and some people must be so privileged and entitled to think that the birth of a health child of one sex is a "disappointment". How dreadful to regard a child like that.
Sorry for your loss 💐

Your friends are getting ready to be grandparents at 36? WTAF?!

I thought this thread was about the father of boys?

You are fortunate to have a healthy child. I find ‘gender disappointment’ to be self indulgent and immature. Counselling would be something to consider IMO because it’s not healthy to have the parent of boys feeling this way. They’re not toys, they’re our children.

@Rockingcloggs people have different experiences in life and you shouldn't stop them expressing disappointment because 'it could be worse'. There is very much this attitude across a lot of threads. "At least you have XYZ", "be grateful for what you have", etc
Just move away from the threads if you feel this way. I say this as someone who had miscarriages & fertility issues but still understands that people can yearn for a son / daughter over and above what they have, or yearn for a second child when certain people think they should just be glad that they have one.
@thatlabguy i think you need to get to the bottom of why you feel as you do, until you find the why it's more difficult for you to process and come to terms with.

He’s the dad

It makes no difference now. You never know what youre gonna end up with. I had 2 boys and a girl and my daughter is now referring to herself as a boy and never used to even brush her hair, let alone sit there doing beauty stuff.
Shes a great kid though, but my eldest boy loves things like spa days and shopping and days out with me.

Enjoy your lovely boys. A kid is a kid tbh.
I think parents often want both, as they still believe in stereotypes which just arent realistic, but for the children themselves, i think same sex is probably better.

I’m having my second, another boy. It’s not gender disappointment as such - I wouldn’t change the sex if I magically could. I can’t say for sure if I really wanted it to be a boy or a girl, I had reasons for wanting both. But I certainly feel a niggling sadness in knowing I won’t have a girl now - I suffered from horrific morning sickness both times now, I had an ectopic the year before last and it took a while to conceive again so even though I’d like a girl I couldn’t put myself through all that once more - especially because I’m honest with myself that it would only be in the hope of having a girl and then if it was a boy I have no doubt I would feel some very genuine gender disappointment. I’m definitely ‘done’ - but I can understand that feeling you have OP, that ‘what if’. It can’t be helped, don’t feel bad about it. I’m not sure about seeing a psychologist because there’s something wrong as such, but it sounds like this has hit you hard and talking through how you feel with a therapist may give you better support and help you overcome this somewhat - talking to family/friends about this kind of thing can be hard.

Something that might help- maybe not just now but when you have more time-is doing some volunteering with girls.
I help out at Brownies. I have two grown up sons and zero experience of wee girls . I got sucked in to helping out but really enjoy it.

I agree. I think some people regard children as lifestyle accessories.

You feel how you feel. Your feelings are valid. Allow yourself time to process this news and grieve.
What do you think a daughter will bring you that a son can't? It's important to explore this. I have one of each and my son is much more affectionate and similar to me than my daughter. Probably nothing to do with their sex but more about personality. I'm just saying "a daughter" is just a concept really. She may be nothing like you imagine.

@AlwaysGinPlease @Ilovemycatalot Pretty sure its just bait. No-one is still in their Not Like Other Girls phase at 36.

@HighlandPony what sexist drivel.

I knew someone years back who had three daughters and tried for another one in the hope of a son.

They had twin daughters

Boys seem to run in my family. Live with it and enjoy them

After suffering 11 miscarriages I would say you need to get a grip. I was lucky enough to get one amazing child and feel guilty everyday I can't provide a sibling.

Focus on the incredible blessings you already have.

I’m sorry but I also don’t get it. You’re talking about a “dream” that will never be fulfilled and a worry you will “explode”.

What does explode mean? Surely you’ll get on with life and raising your boys as everyone does?

No one gets their dream life, the life they dreamt of as a child. I have a good life and I’m so fortunate that my marriage is happier and more fun than the boring slog I witnessed between my own parents, and I have DC I love - I am SO lucky. But life is also harder than in any childhood dream - for one, I didn’t realise until I had them how bloody difficult parenting is. Or just the drudgery of being an adult.. You just get on with it.

I don’t think anyone I know got their “dream” family. I have B/G but a bigger gap than I dreamt of / wished for due to miscarriages. Most people have this - boys when they dreamt of girls, girls when they dreamt of boys, single children when they dreamt of bigger families, gaps because of MCs, maybe siblings with different Dads due to relationship breakdown breakdown, starting a family earlier than they dreamt of because of unexpected pregnancy etc etc etc. No one gets the dream.

@Taillighttoobright That might have something to do with your attitude toward her...

“the negative energy of 'dream not come true' accumulates and one day it will explode”

What does that mean?
Get your head out of your arse.
If you’d posted that you feel a little passing disappointment then fine, I’d give you a little passing sympathy.
But not for this overblown nonsense.

There was a great reply on the first page - look for a reason that thar isn’t rooted in stereotypes, you won’t find one, then you can move on and focus on the children you’re lucky that you do have.

I have never heard of a man being desperate for a daughter. If anything I’ve heard of men who want sins, I think because they want to share their own interests with them and are scared of not understanding daughters. Why is it you want a daughter so much? If you think you’re going to stay disappointed after the baby is here you probably do need to talk to a counsellor to unpick why, so you don’t transmit that disappointment to your children

Get counselling or go abroad and gender select if it means so much to you. It's not the end of the world.

You get the child you are given, if you aren't ready for whoever that is, don't have a baby. You need help so your children aren't affected by this.

I had a home delivery so spent the night, between contractions, chatting to my midwife. She said she'd just done a delivery of a baby girl to a woman who had 12 sons. I said how the mum must be thrilled but I wondered how the boys felt and she said she felt so sad for the baby girl. I was confused but she said imagine the pressure on that little girl to live up to her mother's dreams. On thinking about it I had to agree.