'bro, you are never going to have a daughter, ever'

[thatlabguy]

[after the 20 weeks baby scan]

watching my two sons celebrating that they are having another baby brother, their dad, me, a single child who spent the last 25 years dreaming that one day I will have a daughter of my own, has came to a realisation that this dream will stay a dream for the rest of my life.

As a grown up, I understand that I must 'stay strong', 'accept the fact', 'many parents dream to have three boys', 'be happy that the baby boy is healthy', and 'move on with my life'.

On the other hand, I am extremely worried that deep in my mind I will never accept the fact for not having a daughter for the rest of my like, the negative energy of 'dream not come true' accumulates and one day it will explode. Of course, I'd like to prevent it from happening but I have no idea where to start, it'd be lovely to know how parents who have already been through this and successfully moved on! Should I see a psychologist?

Says someone who appears to care very much how she is perceived. Most women I know don't care half as much as you do.

You get the child you are given, if you aren't ready for whoever that is, don't have a baby. You need help so your children aren't affected by this.

This^^ what are all these immature people so invested in themselves and their ‘dreams’ doing having children to fulfil them? That’s not what children are for!

Op I have 3 boys and I went through these feelings. I am one of three girls myself so was very much out of my comfort zone. It does pass. You need to let go of all those stereotypes and don’t assume that your relationship with them is based on gender.. I know so many women who don’t get on with their mums, and plenty of men who do.

I don't think my husband was exactly desperate but he definitely wanted a girl. His father died when my husband was a small baby, he never knew his grandfathers and wasn't close to his only uncle. He was brought up by his mother and grandmother, he loved me as well. He said he was scared he wouldn't be able to love another male as he never had that relationship with a male.

He was highly delighted when our son was born.

This is a great point.

We might carry expectations of what a daughter would be like and chances are they'd be wrong. It wouldn't be healthy to impose our ideals on a child either - they should be free to develop their own way.

I must admit that I would have liked to have had a daughter. My sister has got three and I’ve got two boys. I love my boys so much but I’ll always be ‘other grandma’ when the time comes and things are just different. I really have to make the effort to be interested in karate and rugby 🥱 Although I know for here taking the girls to ballet can sometimes also be a chore! It’s swings and roundabouts really. My boys are twins and it’s so nice to see them playing together 💗 I know I’m lucky when so many people can’t even have one child, let alone two.

I was the daughter my mother wanted apparently.

But I am not the daughter she was hoping for.

We don't get on, never have. Her focus on looking nice, behaving in a ladylike way and basically being a complete doormat was not for me.

She gets on better with her sons.

All of this chat that you must be sexist if you want a daughter and gender means nothing etc, I don't agree. In my family, without exception, the girls and their mums are all best friends. We spend weekends together, go on holidays together, call each other about 3 times a day... the guys are a lot more distant. That may not be the same for every family, but in my family its 100% fact. That's not to say every girl born into my family will be their mums best pal, and it's not to say every guy will be more independant, but going by the law of averages... you see where I'm going.
The same goes for my friends/in laws, my female friends in their 30s are still very close to their parents and still go for weekends away with their mums, the guys go home at Christmas!
In our family at the moment there are 2 young girls and 5 young boys to 4 very different sets of parents, the girls are remarkably different from the boys. Yes the boys also like to dress up in tutus and pearls, but they're intrinsically different.

There's NOTHING wrong with wanting a daughter. Maybe one of your sons will give you the relationship you wanted in a daughter, but I get that it's not the same. Give yourself time to be sad about it, then accept it and look for the positives. The 3 boys might grow up to be the best of friends and that will be lovely!

WTF? You’re carrying a healthy baby and you’re talking about GRIEF?

You have no idea how lucky you are.

There is no point whatsoever in telling you you 'should be grateful' for your boys (I'm sure you are) or pretending to you that the experience of raising a girl can't be different, fulfilling and rewarding in an entirely different way from raising a boy (it can) or trying to convince you that 'boy mums' are somehow better, more fortunate, etc (that's subjective).
Like so many parents, you wanted a daughter, and you don't need to be ashamed of that.
What you do need to do is come to an acceptance that no one's life gives them everything they want. Some of us want to be wealthy, to have living parents, siblings, good health, to have met a compatible life partner, to be more intelligent...and imagine, maybe correctly, that our lives would be better with those things.
Unfortunately, for most of us, that's too bad. So we play the cards we're dealt the best we can, appreciating what we do have and trying not to dwell on what we don't.
Its a long life and it will bring you opportunities to plug the gap you think a daughter could fill. There will be opportunities to engage with girls and other women in your family social life and work. You can support and mentor and befriend. You may in future have up to 3 DiLs and possibly grand daughters. Your sons (like mine as it happens despite having DDs) may turn out to be your closest friends.
Feel what you feel without shame, but don't let it consume you.

@jennakong

are you a young mother, I can't quite understand the '25 years' comment.

I thought the op was the dad?

That's helpful...well done!

Research shows that most men do want sons, and are far more likely to leave the family unit if their offspring are solely female. A male forum would read very differently.
I have two DS that are now older teens, and at one stage may have liked a DD. What time has taught me, is that for us at least, two of the same gender fairly close in age has been absolutely the best outcome.

I think it’s normal to feel this way OP as society seems to paint this idea image of “one (or more” of each” as the ideal. I’m currently 24 weeks with my third (very unplanned and a big surprise) baby. I already have two girls, and when I found out I was really hoping for another girl. However when it came down to actually finding out the sex, my last pregnancy was awful (hence not wanting any more as we both almost died) and more than anything I just want to carry a baby to term and to not have IUGR or pre eclampsia.
we did find out the sex, it’s another girl. Although me and DP and happy, even my mum (knows how awful things were last time) was like “oh it’s a shame it’s not a boy”. No- a shame would be if I deliver very prematurely again or get pre eclampsia again that almost kills me and baby. We haven’t announced yet as again we know family will also say what a “shame” it is to have our third girl. Take time to process your feelings but no matter what you will love your baby despite what is, or isn’t, between their legs x

Both my sisters are super close to their mothers in law who are fab. They see just as much of them as our family. Have girls but the little lads one of my dds used to hang out with were just adorable

Jesus Christ get a grip. You had a daughter and was devastated? You also sound incredibly sexist.

A man desperately wanting a daughter is a bit weird. Sons I can imagine. My husband has 2 girls. He does one of the most macho jobs you can thing of surrounded by men. He has 3 brothers. He does ok.

YANBU Op ❤️

I am pregnant with my first who is a boy that I am thrilled with 💗

Already I am thinking about the second and secretly hoping for a girl. That’s not to say I wouldn’t be perfectly happy and love another little boy just as much, it would just be different to what I imagined!

I don’t know why MN has to be so judgemental on these types of threads. You’re only human and entitled to feelings too. And saying things about gender stereotypes is a load of rubbish too, my husband can’t wait to take our son to sports and I would love to have a girl I could go on girly weekends with. And if they aren’t into those things when they’re older then that is fine too - it doesn’t mean as humans with emotions too parents aren’t allowed to imagine how things might be and feel sad that they won’t be! And it certainly doesn’t mean that you love your little ones any less 💐

Why can't a man want a daughter? I wanted a little boy, is that strange for a mum to want a boy?

It's a loss and you are ok to have feelings about it.

I desperately wanted a boy (perhaps as when I was three my much awaited baby brother died at birth) and when my eldest was revealed as a girl at my 20 Week scan I did have to give up the idea of a boy. I expect it stirred up all sorts of very old feelings from when I lost my brother that I was not even aware of/couldn't remember.

By the time my Dd was born though I was already bonding with her and once I set eyes on her - ❤️ apple of my eye and she still is (even when she's a pain!🤣)

My second was a much longed for boy - and I feel the same way about him although totally differently. I certainly don't love either more than the other. I love my son - but he is a real life living boy, I realise my longing for a boy imagined a fantasy boy - and of course my son is not that, how could he be, he is a real person in his own right.

I think you have a fantasy of a daughter. If you had a girl she'd be a real life Dd - complex and multi faceted and the experience of being her mother would be different to what you imagine, for sure.

I bet when you meet your beautiful little boy no.3 you'll love him so much too. You can be sad you won't have a girl at the same time - one doesn't negate the other.

Good luck for your pregnancy.

@Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious What kind of men imagine what having a daughter is like for 25 years?

What did it say?

So sorry xx

I totally agree @JobSeekingMissile. We all have different life experiences. It doesn’t give you the right to shut someone down when they are talking about something troubling them. It’s unhelpful and unlikely to stop the OP thinking the way she does. She needs to deal with it and move on not bury it because she feels ashamed.

Er boys also need loving, engaged, responsible men in their lives!!

Listen OP, your child's sex does not dictate what they are like as a person. Try and think about why you wanted a daughter, and why you think a DS can't give you what you want. You'll probably find that they can!