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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

'bro, you are never going to have a daughter, ever'

313 replies

thatlabguy · 19/10/2022 23:12

[after the 20 weeks baby scan]

watching my two sons celebrating that they are having another baby brother, their dad, me, a single child who spent the last 25 years dreaming that one day I will have a daughter of my own, has came to a realisation that this dream will stay a dream for the rest of my life.

As a grown up, I understand that I must 'stay strong', 'accept the fact', 'many parents dream to have three boys', 'be happy that the baby boy is healthy', and 'move on with my life'.

On the other hand, I am extremely worried that deep in my mind I will never accept the fact for not having a daughter for the rest of my like, the negative energy of 'dream not come true' accumulates and one day it will explode. Of course, I'd like to prevent it from happening but I have no idea where to start, it'd be lovely to know how parents who have already been through this and successfully moved on! Should I see a psychologist?

OP posts:
jennakong · 20/10/2022 06:40

thatlabguy · 19/10/2022 23:12

[after the 20 weeks baby scan]

watching my two sons celebrating that they are having another baby brother, their dad, me, a single child who spent the last 25 years dreaming that one day I will have a daughter of my own, has came to a realisation that this dream will stay a dream for the rest of my life.

As a grown up, I understand that I must 'stay strong', 'accept the fact', 'many parents dream to have three boys', 'be happy that the baby boy is healthy', and 'move on with my life'.

On the other hand, I am extremely worried that deep in my mind I will never accept the fact for not having a daughter for the rest of my like, the negative energy of 'dream not come true' accumulates and one day it will explode. Of course, I'd like to prevent it from happening but I have no idea where to start, it'd be lovely to know how parents who have already been through this and successfully moved on! Should I see a psychologist?

Why do you want a daughter so much? You say you were an only child, so is this about not having a sister? You won't have nieces either of your own. I can appreciate that there is a fact of females within you extended family too, and that this might feel difficult.

I have three sons who are like chalk and cheese, my youngest son is very sensitive and defies all the 'boy' stereotypes.

You may well have granddaughters - are you a young mother, I can't quite understand the '25 years' comment. Or are you having a late baby? Most people say being a grandparent is more rewarding and less fraught than parenthood, so perhaps you will have that close female-female relationship one day, without all the strains and stress of the parent-child thing.

Beezknees · 20/10/2022 06:42

SeasonFinale · 20/10/2022 03:49

I have 3 boys if you include a DSS. we also had to make a decision due to age and practicalities and finances as to whether to try for another. I decided I wanted a girl more than I wanted a baby so we didn't go for another.

It is unfortunate threads like these have also the be thankful you have a child posts too. She is thankful and that isn't the point here, sad as it is for those unable to conceive or who have lost their pregnancies.

After reading mumsnet and similar and realising that once the sons marry or find a ltp that the wife's family seem to get priority with grandchildren and holidays such as Christmas etc and that is a chore/bind to deal with in laws I did mourn what life would be like/could have been like with adult sons v adult daughters.

I will try to be the nicest MIL especially as mine is not inclusive! But realise my life as the mum to adult boys is different to that of adult girls.

Oldest DS now lives abroad with gf and they are expecting a baby (first grandchild - a boy!)

That all sounds great to me. I have one child, a DS. I don't particularly want to be hosting Christmas or doing lots of babysitting for grandchildren, so if he gets married and they spend more time with her parents I'm fine with it 😂

Darbs76 · 20/10/2022 06:43

I was desperate for a daughter, after 2 boys. I joined another parenting website and a group for those like me, desperate to sway Mother Nature. Whether what I did (a lot!) worked or it was just luck, who knows, but I felt more in control trying to sway the odds. My DD is 14 now. I have enjoyed dressing her up in her younger years. But I have to say having a teenage girl is complex. My boys have been a dream. That’s not because she misbehaves. She doesn’t, she’s a very polite teen but naturally very shy and vulnerable. She’s a worry. I’m close to my boys, and I really don’t think I’ll have a closer relationship with an adult DD than I do with my boys. Especially my eldest. We are very close as for a long time it was just me and him.

Gender disappointment is a real thing, I think speaking to someone about is will be helpful

merrymelodies · 20/10/2022 06:48

It's okay to feel sad and disappointed, OP. And it should be okay to express your feelings here without being shamed or scorned.

FixTheBeak · 20/10/2022 06:53

I understand to a degree as I’m really close to my mum and would love a similar relationship with my kids when they’re older, but mainly I feel like I’ve dodged a bullet having two sons. The crushing relief when I had my first son was truly shocking - women have such a hard deal.

What did upset me though was other people’s open disappointment that my second was a boy. Like it wasn’t enough…There was no way I would ever have a third and I am very content with my lovely kids. The attitude of “keep trying” almost feels like the commodification of human life at times. Gotta collect the full set!!

You’re allowed to feel disappointed- you have months to get used to it and once he’s here you’ll be over the moon. I do think three boys sounds like brilliant fun!

Iknowforsure1 · 20/10/2022 06:53

OP, you will be going through grief, and not everybody will understand, but nonetheless.
I tried to have a natural birth with both of my children and both times ended up having a c section. I know that most people will not understand, but 10 years passed and I still feel the grief of how I will never experience things happen “normal” way, I feel like unfinished business. I know I’m blessed to have healthy children so I never tell people that, but sometimes it hits, especially when I hear another story of a quick birth or “I hardly had time to arrive to the hospital”.

MakeWayMoana · 20/10/2022 06:55

My mother in law told me she always wanted a girl and instead had three boys. But like others have said, you get out what you put in. She has been on holidays with her sons, goes out for dinner and to watch shows and for days out with them. Also, we get on really well so she’s always welcome here and comes to stay a lot, so spends as much time with my children as my own mum.

I have two boys and what I find really helpful is to carve out one to one time with each of them, to avoid them being a noisy people pack. Me and my oldest boy have got a date to go to Harry Potter world soon. Me and my youngest had a day out together recently to a local museum and for dinner. It really helps build the relationship - but I suppose that’s true whatever the gender.

There is, in my experience and talking to friends, a difference between raising boys and girls. Boys tend to be louder, more boisterous and want to climb, run, ‘fight’ etc. They seem to have a shorter attention span when young, I don’t know many boy mums who can sit their kids for some peaceful colouring, but girls seem more able to do that. Girls get harder as they get to junior school, with more friendship issues than the boys. But those are the small things - the parent relationship can be just as fun with boys, just find the stuff you both love and can share, and avoid treating them like a pack just because they’re all boys.

congratulations on your new baby OP, and know that there’s lots of us who understand how you’re feeling - 3 kids will be great though, regardless of what bits they’ve got!

iloveeverykindofcat · 20/10/2022 06:58

'And there’s my point. Why would I care about being cool and edgy? I’m a fucking scaffie for the love of Christ.
That’s the problem with women. Everything is about perception, not a practical bone in most womens bodies. all about how they look and what others think of them. I couldn’t give a shite.'

If this isn't weak bait I feel sorry for your daughter.

Reebokclassics · 20/10/2022 06:58

HighlandPony · 20/10/2022 01:00

I get you. I’m very much a boy mum. Love being a boy mum, love being a tomboy, love being one of the boys, bored shitless with my sisters. Bored shitless with my 7 lass cousins and do not get my nieces or my great niece. I’m shite with women and fucking terrible with lasses. I had a daughter 13 weeks ago and was devastated. But she’s actually ok. Hoping she grows up mini me and not girly. I get you. I understand the disappointment at not getting what you wanted. I can only tell you that it might be ok, he might be more than you expected in the end

Please dont put that pressure on your daughter to not be girly. Let her be herself. Jeez

RudsyFarmer · 20/10/2022 07:02

Thankfully I’m delighted with my children (all boys). There will be a reason you think having a girl is so important and I suspect you’ll need to unravel that personally or with help. Perhaps it links to your own nurture when a child. The need to do it again with your own daughter?

GhostCastle · 20/10/2022 07:04

When my boys were young, everyone close to me had one of each. I did feel like I might miss out. I haven’t got a great relationship with my mum. I think part of me craved the stereotypical closeness of a mother-daughter relationship. It took me a while to get over it, but I did. I’m very close to my boys. My eldest has suddenly started to like shopping for clothes. Probably because I’m paying!😂 We go shopping and have coffee out together.These feelings will pass.

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 20/10/2022 07:05

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

😂 Excellent wind-up - I think people believed your first post but this one jumped the shark. Points for trying though.

MissHavershamReturns · 20/10/2022 07:05

Op I understand. I’ve been there and it passes.

I can honestly say ten years on that I wouldn’t change not having a dd, even though I wanted one desperately. I think there’s a good chance you may feel the same.

It passed because my boys are everything you could ever want - kind, caring, chatty and love sitting with me. We are very close! My youngest especially is very cuddly, so the old gender stereotypes are best ignored I don’t feel there is anything missing that I don’t get with my ds!

MargaretThursday · 20/10/2022 07:07

Dh is one of only boys and always told me how his parents and especially mum were delighted to have only boys and didn't want a girl.

One day when on my own chatting to mil when I was pregnant I asked if she would have liked a girl.
She told me she had been absolutely desperate for a girl.

So clearly she managed not to let that show ever.

AlwaysGinPlease · 20/10/2022 07:08

Op you sound unhealthy obsessed, a very unattractive trait. You need to sort it out. @HighlandPony the way you speak about girls/women is utterly sickening.

sandytooth · 20/10/2022 07:08

I hope you find peace with it OP. Talking to someone may help.

Taillighttoobright · 20/10/2022 07:09

Op, what do you think you would be missing by not having a daughter? I have one, and she is the coldest fish.

Ilovemycatalot · 20/10/2022 07:10

@HighlandPony You have to be a fake post otherwise you are an absolute twat.

DayOfTheTentacle · 20/10/2022 07:10

We lost our baby boy after a horrific anomaly scan, and then a year later, our baby girl was diagnosed with the same problem and we had to again "choose" to let her go to. It has broken us in ways I can't tell you. The grief is horrific.

We already have a wonderful DS, my DH has another older DS. He has always wanted a girl and would try again for another. But I can't even contemplate it.

For him (and me), having a daughter would have been such a gift. But so is our living son, more than anything. Getting to bring up a healthy child is what we dreamed of. Getting to bring up two, a boy and a girl, would have been the icing on the cake.

You never know what's in your future. I hope you can be happy and settled with your lovely family and come to terms with having three boys.

LactoseTheIntolerant · 20/10/2022 07:11

Umm one of those threads where the op posts something controversial and then never comes back to the thread🤔

Ilovemycatalot · 20/10/2022 07:13

Just to add I have a teenage dd and right now it’s hard bloody work. I often wonder if it’s easier to parent teenage sons . I only have the one but I’ve been at my wits ends dealing with constant mood swings and hurtful comments aimed at me. Really curious if dealing with teenage DS is any easier?.

Thealarmhasgoneoffagain · 20/10/2022 07:14

It's completely normal to feel disappointment and like you've lost out on something.

Have you gone through why a girl would mean so much to you? What is it exactly that you think a girl would bring to you that a boy can't? Even if you had a girl is it guarenteed that she would be what you think?

Yes to seeing a Councillor and working through this. You do need to come to terms with this because it has the possibility to damage your relationship with the children you do have.

PrioritiseCalm · 20/10/2022 07:15

Sex. Not gender.

LoveMyCats1 · 20/10/2022 07:16

I painted my 15 year old sons nail the other day and I've blow dried and straightened his hair numerous times. You might still get to do 'girl' things with a boy. I have a boy who hates football and sports but I don't think I've missed out on 'boy' things.

Rockingcloggs · 20/10/2022 07:17

Crimsoncupcakes · 20/10/2022 04:35

I have a very close friend who is desperate for a baby , IVF, several miscarriages that broke her heart, finally she has accepted that it wasn’t to be, but she is truly devastated .
You have 2, nearly 3 healthy children, but you’re all upset that you aren’t having a daughter.
Be grateful for what you have, you sound utterly selfish

👏🏼

After 6 cycles of IVF, 5 miscarriages, endless heartbreak, the loss of my sons twin and then the birth of my healthy beautiful only child, I am sorry but I have absolutely no sympathy with people who get the face on that they 'only' have boys or 'only' have girls. They truly do not realise how lucky they are. Would they feel happier with none? No they wouldn't.