'bro, you are never going to have a daughter, ever'

[thatlabguy]

[after the 20 weeks baby scan]

watching my two sons celebrating that they are having another baby brother, their dad, me, a single child who spent the last 25 years dreaming that one day I will have a daughter of my own, has came to a realisation that this dream will stay a dream for the rest of my life.

As a grown up, I understand that I must 'stay strong', 'accept the fact', 'many parents dream to have three boys', 'be happy that the baby boy is healthy', and 'move on with my life'.

On the other hand, I am extremely worried that deep in my mind I will never accept the fact for not having a daughter for the rest of my like, the negative energy of 'dream not come true' accumulates and one day it will explode. Of course, I'd like to prevent it from happening but I have no idea where to start, it'd be lovely to know how parents who have already been through this and successfully moved on! Should I see a psychologist?

@PinkyandtheBrainBrainBrainBrainBrain exactly my experience on the birth of my 2nd DD. Even had ‘Will you keep trying for a boy?’ After 8 miscarriages - that’ll be a no and I’ll celebrate 2 healthy DDs.

Super helpful post @sweeneytoddsrazor 🙄.

One family’s experience is just that, one family’s experience. It’s meaningless.

“Gender disappointment” has got to be one of the most ridiculous phrases in the English language 🙄😬.

I think you should definitely speak someone and work out why you feel this way. It could be very damaging to your children if you don’t change your thinking.

Same. This really isn’t my tribe. But at 36 with my last I’m an old mum. My friends are gearing up for grandparents stage and getting their lives back with their youngest nearing the end of primary and I’m back in nappies with a wee unexpected lass. It’s not the same as when I had my other kids. I had my friends around me then even though I was mid 20s with my first and older then too.but you’re right. I don’t identify with most of mumsnet and they’ve never lived in my world either

And how, exactly, did you think your post would help the OP???

I think you need to accept what you have and be grateful. Been TTC for 15 yrs and 3 MC, would give anything for one boy, let alone 3!
You can’t exactly pick and choose…

36 isn’t an old mum!!

Most of the mums I know were 40-odd when they had their babies. I was 29 when I had my first and I was young compared to a lot of them!

I understand OP. I did get one of each but I spent 20 weeks fretting about never getting to experience both, because that’s what I truly wanted… to experience raising both sexes. I find it frustrating that this is one aspect of life that you’re not allowed to feel and share because with almost anything else, people do understand and empathise that you cannot always control your emotions and the heart wants what it wants. Wanting a specific sex does not mean you do not understand how heart wrenching it would be to lose a child. It doesn’t take away from the feeling of unbelievable happiness when you have a healthy baby. It doesn’t mean you don’t understand your feelings are wrong. It also doesn’t mean you don’t or can’t love your children. I’d love a thousand children regardless of sex. It’s not about that, it’s about their personalities. And we do all know that, it’s just that you cannot control what your heart wants. And my heart goes out to anyone who is trying for a baby, just any sex, and is unable to conceive. No one is trying to take away from that.
Having said all of the above, I do understand it’s a touchy subject. When I lost my mum 14 years ago and had to watch people with their mums, just strolling down the street or going for coffee, and sometimes even having an argument or a moan about their mums being “so annoying”. I’m not going to lie- it stung. But what I realised over time was … I don’t want their mums, I don’t want their relationships, and people do argue, you still love each other. I guess my point doesn’t come across well, it’s late. What I mean is … when you scratch the surface, we always do offend each other without intending to. It’s okay for me to watch you with your mums and see what I can never have again. I won’t judge you for it and I won’t hate you. It’s okay for you to be incredibly happy and fortunate that your mum is still alive, if this is the case for you. Equally, it is ok for Op to have a desire for a dream that hasn’t come true for her. You might not be able to understand because you haven’t shared the same dream, but you can still be nice about it.

OP, like others have said. Having a girl doesn’t equal a very close relationship, your girl might be like myself and refuse all girlie things and spend all her time climbing trees and picking her nose. She might have been like myself and emigrated, meaning that close relationship you so desire cannot happen in a way you pictures.
And I hate to throw out a cliche … but my boy sure does love his mum. He tells me everything.
Work hard to build that relationship with your kids, regardless of sex. You get out what you put in.

You’re going to get loads of people saying YABU and it’s all to do with sexist stereotypes anyway (and most of them will have missed the fact that you’re the Father, not the Mum) but really, YANBU. Your feelings are what they are and can’t be helped. You’re not saying you’ll love this baby less because he’s a boy, you’re saying you’re sad for the future you’ve always seen for yourself with a daughter in it, that will not become a reality. And that’s ok.

I was gutted when I found out DS2 was another boy. Not because I want a little girl doll to dress in pretty dresses, or take to ballet or whatever, but in my case I have a yearning to raise a child with the shared experience of being female. I love my sons more than anything on this earth, but I will always be sad that I never got the chance to have a daughter.

I recently had a girl, giving me one of each. Everyone, without fail, was happier for me when I revealed the sex. I'd have been just as delighted with another boy. They're my beautiful babies, little people. So much more than their sex.

But then both mine are IVF, so I faced the real possibility of having none, which no doubt affects my feelings. I have leftover embryos and I don't so much wonder what sex they are as what they'd look like, how would their personalities differ from the ones I turned into my children.

Congratulations on your boy OP. I'm sure he'll bring so much love and joy to your life. Hope you can come to terms with not having a girl. Logically, you would never get the one in your imagination anyway.

Let me guess... You're "not like other girls"?

Better than none OP.
My uncle had a girl when he wanted a boy, gave her boy haircuts and dressed her like one too.
She's older now, very girly and they get on great as they're so alike.

You need to unpack what 'being father to a DD' meant to you. (I can't relate at all to having spent 25 years dreaming about the sex of a future child). Perhaps you've got caught up in stereotypes and being a father to sons actually can mean the same.
It might be worth considering counselling. My friend's DH desperately wanted a DD. The way that manifested itself when they had a third son, was hugely detrimental to all their DCs. Don't tear apart or damage what you have hankering for what you don't but also don't be afraid to seek help and professional support.

This was my dsis. She stayed in a terrible marriage so she could try for dc3 and the DD she wanted. She got the DD.

But by God, my 'd'n has been an absolute fucking nightmare for my dsis and I honestly don't care if she falls off the face of the earth.

My dsis has 2 DSwho adore their DM and a sister who's such an arsehole to everyone I really feel for them too.

I always wanted a girl for frivolous reasons like the name choices and the fashions. And I did have a girl and all that was expected was realised and went to plan. But when I found out my second child was a boy, I felt immediately struck by overwhelming thankfulness for a son. It was profound. They are both nothing but joy.

OP I’d give anything for three boys. I’m at the stage where I’m losing my children to the cusp of adulthood and I wish I’d savoured every second of them. Congratulations to you, a new baby son.

@sweeneytoddsrazor

Did that make you feel better? To post a load of pointless, smug drivel to a random on MN?

What a sad little person you are 🙄

With respect OP, I think you need to just focus on the positives here, you have a healthy baby on the way. So many women struggling with infertility or loss would give their right arm for that. And I don’t think being disappointed over your child’s gender is something that’s healthy for you to dwell on, you don’t want your little boy growing up picking up on the fact that your disappointed he was a boy.

Im sure once he’s born you will fall in love with your little boy and forget about any gender disappointment anyway.

Absolutely this.

I spend way more time with my DH’s family than I do my own. Someone said upthread in their experience, their daughters spend more time with their side of the family, but that’s not the case here at all. I’m not close to my parents at all 🤷🏻‍♀️

Most people do have a preference one way or the other, they just don’t voice it. I always wanted boys and in the end that’s what I had.

I think it would be beneficial to get some help if you feel it’s going to affect your relationship with your children. At the very least you will be able to talk it over with someone impartial and examine your feelings without prejudice. Mumsnet isn’t really the place for that.

When I found out I was having my second boy it felt like the end of the world. My marriage was breaking down and this was probably going to be my last child, I felt gutted that I would never have a daughter. I did a lot of crying but, as I processed my thoughts, I eventually realised that two boys would be great! Fast forward to several years later, pregnant with twins with my new husband and he is gutted to find they are both boys at our scan. He had been hoping for a daughter. I was more understanding of his feelings as, from my own experience, I knew they would pass. I was chuffed to have more boys, no disappointment from me that time. We went on to have one more child and almost didn’t have a gender scan as we were both happy with another boy and even had a name picked out, that’s when we found out we were having a girl. Lots of people assumed we had been trying for a girl but we just wanted another healthy baby!

So process your thoughts, it’s perfectly ok to feel disappointed, hopefully it will pass and you’ll enjoy your new son as much as the others. Congratulations!

How cool and edgy.

Highland Pony: The average first time mother is about about thirty, so most people having third children etc. are probably mid-thirties. Do you have a lot of older friends? Getting ready to soon be a grandparent at 36 or so would be a bit odd among the people I know.

These threads always go the same way, with someone who has had only boys coming on here to tell us all how much she hates girls and women generally and how pathetic the female sex is (“apart from me, of course! I’m the cool type of woman!” No, you’re not). Bit defensive, huh?

As for the OP: don’ t feel bad about feeling a bit of disappointment. It’ s a natural and understandable emotion. But as another poster says “you get back what you put in” and it’s hard to know exactly what the future brings no matter what gender your children are. I am sure you’ll be excited about your third son once he is here!

(also…. Hand me downs and room sharing are so much simpler when you have all the same gender!)