'bro, you are never going to have a daughter, ever'

[thatlabguy]

[after the 20 weeks baby scan]

watching my two sons celebrating that they are having another baby brother, their dad, me, a single child who spent the last 25 years dreaming that one day I will have a daughter of my own, has came to a realisation that this dream will stay a dream for the rest of my life.

As a grown up, I understand that I must 'stay strong', 'accept the fact', 'many parents dream to have three boys', 'be happy that the baby boy is healthy', and 'move on with my life'.

On the other hand, I am extremely worried that deep in my mind I will never accept the fact for not having a daughter for the rest of my like, the negative energy of 'dream not come true' accumulates and one day it will explode. Of course, I'd like to prevent it from happening but I have no idea where to start, it'd be lovely to know how parents who have already been through this and successfully moved on! Should I see a psychologist?

Gender disappointment is definitely a real thing. The problem now is that nobody's allowed to acknowledge it then get on with loving and enjoying the baby they've got. So sometimes feelings are pushed under the surface and people don't feel they can acknowledge that initial feeling of disappointment then move on. When I was a child . early 50s ..I often heard adults saying something like x was disappointed at first but she's over it now. When my own dc was born in the 70s it was still ok to say I wanted a boy but I got a girl or opposite way around. I think these days people are expected to deny any initial feeling of disappointment at all and the feeling having to be suppressed makes it harder to get over. It's ok to want A and get B. Doesn't mean B isn't very much wanted and loved.

no more insulting than the OP is being towards their sons who are clearly seen as second best.

If you don’t want one particular sex then you have no place having children. If it’s going to cause you so much grief that you potentially need therapy and are going to cause emotional damage to your existing children who are second best because they aren’t what you wished for, then maybe children are something you shouldn’t have. I’m talking about “you” as in one in general not the OP specifically.

My mum used to work in a GP surgery, and they had people from certain cultures wanting scans to confirm the sex, and if that baby wasn’t a boy they wanted a termination. Is that ok?

So called gender disappointment should extend to “I’d quite like a girl, ah, we’re having a little boy.” Anything more than that isn’t normal, and certainly shouldn’t be pandered to or sympathised with. I spare my sympathy for the unwanted children.

My brother had three daughters and dreamed of a son. They tried one more time and had...another daughter.
His wife refused to have more children in his pursuit of a dream. It was becoming an obstacle in their marriage and took years before he could accept the status quo and enjoy what he was blessed with.
When my second and third children, both sons, were born, he stopped speaking to me.

Our neighbour had 3 boys and was desperate for a girl. I used to spend time with her, my Mum had no time for me, it might detract from drinking time. Spending time with the neighbour worked out well for both of us. I used to bake with her every Saturday and I remember her helping me do my hair for my first disco and lending me a ribbon for it. Maybe you could find some girls to spend time with? I know its not the same but maybe better than nothing? Or volunteer with Girlguiding? That would give you plenty of time with girls.

Wow did we need that post that op is a man.

Probably as many people still think he is a mother not a father which can make some answers irrelevant or inappropriate such as the one above saying he could join girl guides and suggesting finding little girls to hang out with.

Nobody seems to be able to read accurately. Not surprised that somebody got irritated after twelve pages of girl guide advice and chat about girly times

All of you saying that gender makes absolutely no difference to anything ever unless you are an evil stereotyper---how many of you have equal number of male/female friends? How many of you have even a ratio that's approaching evil?

Most women I know have mostly or exclusively female friends. Male and female interactions are different, for the most part, and significantly gender nonconforming people are very much the exception in my experience. To an extent, differences between male-male, male-female and female-female interactions remain true within the family as well.

I don't think having all boys or all girls is the end of the world, but it's unrealistic to expect that nobody is ever going to feel a tiny bit of disappointment. It's OK to feel like that for a bit, as long as you work through it and don't let it negatively impact the relationship with your child when they arrive.

Don’t give up yet I have 3 boys.
I was convinced when we found out number 3 was a boy that my husband could only produce boys, fast forward too when dc3 was 7 months old I was pregnant again (not planned) perfect surprise she’s now 3 and exactly what I imagined her too be

This.

What exactly can you do with a daughter that you can't do with your sons? Are you raising your children in 1950s stereotypes? Or are you letting them be children and not moulding them? Have they got baby dolls? Prams? Play kitchens? Or is it all football and dinosaurs?

Time to have a serious talk with yourself. Stereotypes are damaging and limiting. I think a therapist might be a good idea, you need to really look into your ideas and behaviours to get to the root of this disappointment.

And then raise your brood of boys to be gentle & sensitive, to treat women as equals and show respect and never allow any patriarchal bullshit to go unchecked. Teach them to cook, to wash clothes, to do housework, make sure they understand these things are as much their 'jobs' as anyone else's. Take them to the theatre, go shopping together, boys like having foot rubs too.

My son and daughter are total opposites. My son is so loving, lots of cuddles etc even at 14, while my daughter won't cuddle unless she's in the mood at 2. He loves doing the mushy stuff and she hates it. My hubby has resigned himself to another lifetime of football and he's hating it because she's obsessed with football. Definitely seek help if it's impacting your normal day to day life. I know gender disappointment is a real thing and have friends that have a string of boys trying for a girl, not that they're loved any less because they aren't. Try writing down why you want to have a girl and the positives of new little boy and see if it helps a little x

I have boys.
I am sad I won’t have a daughter. The mitochondrial dna ends with me.
I know the daughters tend to be closer to their mother when they have babies and I worry I won’t be allowed to be close to any future grandchildren. (Who ever said this had to be logical).

That and the pee everywhere. A girl would at least put the seat down.

Awww @TheBirdintheCave I really hope you get what you want (I have one of each) BUT I'm often a bit sad when I see friends with 2 boys etc & how close the brothers are/how they spend lots of time together. I'm one of 3 girls & I'm very close to my younger sister- we've been on holidays just the two of us. It's lovely. My own kids are almost 4 years apart and aren't very close atm (DD is 18 & just started Uni & DS is almost 15 & just wants to hang out either his mates/play football/fart in my face/wrestle/go to bed late etc. He's a delight atm 🤣) I'm glad I had one of each as I got to experience both genders I guess although my DD isn't into makeup/latest fashion/girly things at all. She likes shopping (on her own) & rarely gossips & hasn't worn a skirt/dress in about 4 years & doesn't have many female friends. She's great & unique. Kids are so different! I sometimes wish my shy, introvert & socially anxious DD had a confident sister she was close to, rather than a brother.

This is accurate, I think. I have two boys, and have 3 sisters, 2 brothers. Not especially close to my mum but close to my sisters. I was desperate to have a girl, and upon reflection, a lot of that was rooted in stereotypes and also (absurdly) the idea that daughters would likely spend more time with me in my dotage. Over time, I’ve realised how many sons I know are brilliant with their ageing parents and how many daughters are not. I’ve also keenly developed my own interests and while my kids are fantastic and I adore them, there is life after them when they grow up that all parents should prepare for IMO. Whilst kids are lovely, I don’t think they owe you anything in return for having them.
OP, you will get past it, but I’d highly recommend reflecting on what it is you want a daughter for above a son, and work to ensure you maintain and develop your own interests outside of parenting.

I always, ALWAYS thought I’d have all boys and was a bit sad to find out my middle child was a girl.

But she’s nine now and an absolute gem…can’t ever imagine I didn’t want a girl!

I went on this natural family planning course - ‘female’ sperm life longer than ‘male’ speak and they can hang out in ‘pouches’ at the bottom of the womb for weeks I think. Just have sex weeks before you ovulate and then stop having sex after that

You never know. My parents live a five hour drive from us and only see my kids every few months, whereas my parents in law are close by and have mine at least once a week after school, and my mother in law had my two youngest twice a week, all day, all summer long (bless her!) You might end up closer to your grandchildren just because of geography or your future DIL might not be close to her family or any number of things.

I’m sort of hoping that by being a decent human being and kind to my sons I will lure my dils into being part of the family.
Then I read some of the posts on here about MIL’s trying their best to help out and being met with waves of disdain.
Deep breaths and hope I raise nice men who will be lovely and kind to whomever they up home with.
At the end of the day OP our job is to raise decent people.

It’s a real thing and needs to be acknowledged. I have 4 girls each time I wanted a boy though I didn’t keep trying for a boy we did just want more children. I however felt that gender disappointment after scan and it’s s horrible feeling I was better when I didn’t find out the gender (did both) I somehow found the excitement went a bit once I knew then felt constantly guilty about this in turn this guilt gave me anxiety something would be wrong and it was my fault for being disappointed in the gender . However once they are here it hasn’t bothered me. What I do find hard is 2 things, with my younger daughters I struggle to get excited about the things everyone thinks is exciting about having a girl and feel guilty I can’t get excited about this . I often think it would of been easier in terms of dynamics in the family to have had a mix, and I also worry about the future I am my mums only daughter snd we are so close not sure if I can replicate that 4 times when they are adults that bothers me a lot!

@DangerousAlchemy I've seen it the opposite way 😂 My brother is three years younger than me and we've always been very close. He's one of my best friends. Before we met our SOs we used to go on holiday together. He's actually just bought a house ten minutes away from mine now (we both moved from Liverpool to London).

Aww @TheBirdintheCave 💖 that's so lovely to hear! Really hope my two grow up & are close like you & your DB! My DD been at Uni for 5 weeks now & apparent my DS 'isn't missing her at all!' (mainly annoyed he has to sort the pet rats out every day now she's not here) 🤣 But he is that awful 14/15 age so hopefully he'll grow up/out of this phase soon (please God, Very soon 🤣)

I have three boys also. I always wanted a boy first, and was then desperate for a girl. I remember feeling so disappointed after the gender scans, I was devastated at the thought of not having a girl. I’ve had 10+ miscarriages, I’m convinced I just can’t carry a girl. We’ve not tried again, 3 children is enough.

My sister has 3 girls, and my brother 2. My friends all have one of each sex. Over the years the jealousy was at times overwhelming. But my youngest is almost 11, and I’m at peace with not having a girl, I’m over it.

I honestly think it’s like a period of grieving, but you will get there too.

Just cross your fingers for future girl grandchildren! 😉

Either get some help, or spend some time with someone who has had 3 rounds of failed IVF?

Just be grateful for happy healthy children.

Honestly I think some counselling would help you. I think your need for a daughter is misplaced - your parents were shitty but it was siblings that you had taken away, not a daughter. You can be everything to your sons. You are everything to your sons.