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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

'bro, you are never going to have a daughter, ever'

313 replies

thatlabguy · 19/10/2022 23:12

[after the 20 weeks baby scan]

watching my two sons celebrating that they are having another baby brother, their dad, me, a single child who spent the last 25 years dreaming that one day I will have a daughter of my own, has came to a realisation that this dream will stay a dream for the rest of my life.

As a grown up, I understand that I must 'stay strong', 'accept the fact', 'many parents dream to have three boys', 'be happy that the baby boy is healthy', and 'move on with my life'.

On the other hand, I am extremely worried that deep in my mind I will never accept the fact for not having a daughter for the rest of my like, the negative energy of 'dream not come true' accumulates and one day it will explode. Of course, I'd like to prevent it from happening but I have no idea where to start, it'd be lovely to know how parents who have already been through this and successfully moved on! Should I see a psychologist?

OP posts:
PastCatInABookTree · 20/10/2022 03:42

walkersareback · 19/10/2022 23:33

I am one of six, five girls and one boy - I am the oldest - I witnessed many many years of disappointment from my parents after the birth of yet another girl - any idea what that does to your self esteem?

I accept that they were also victims of societal pressure - Indian family - but I still find it hard to be warm towards my parents on my fifties- I love them but it was hard seeing tears, anger and disappointment each time a beautiful new sister was born. The pressures on my poor brother - the youngest - were/are so immense.

I am sorry but I find these kind of thread's depressing- love your kids and be grateful to have them - regardless of sex.

👏

SeasonFinale · 20/10/2022 03:49

I have 3 boys if you include a DSS. we also had to make a decision due to age and practicalities and finances as to whether to try for another. I decided I wanted a girl more than I wanted a baby so we didn't go for another.

It is unfortunate threads like these have also the be thankful you have a child posts too. She is thankful and that isn't the point here, sad as it is for those unable to conceive or who have lost their pregnancies.

After reading mumsnet and similar and realising that once the sons marry or find a ltp that the wife's family seem to get priority with grandchildren and holidays such as Christmas etc and that is a chore/bind to deal with in laws I did mourn what life would be like/could have been like with adult sons v adult daughters.

I will try to be the nicest MIL especially as mine is not inclusive! But realise my life as the mum to adult boys is different to that of adult girls.

Oldest DS now lives abroad with gf and they are expecting a baby (first grandchild - a boy!)

spidersenses · 20/10/2022 03:55

I just wanted to share that my aunt had 3 boys. I think she would have loved a girl. And do you know what, when she was older she got 5 little granddaughters - no grandsons. So she got to experience girls in a different way, albeit later on in her life. You never know! Perhaps it will come to you in a different way.

Ekátn · 20/10/2022 04:09

I think you need to figure out why a girl is so important. What is it about raising a girl that you want that you think you won’t get out of raising a boy?

Look at this thread. A mum who has a girl and is judging as ‘she’s alright’ at 13 weeks and hoping she is a mini version of herself. And if she is not? If she is her own person? The type of girl and woman her mother so disapproves of and ‘just doesn’t get’? It’s all just gender stereotypes and bullshit and will negatively impact the kids. Putting expectations on your kids based on their sex is a recipe for disaster for most kids.

A lot of sex disappointment is based on assumptions about a child’s personality. An imagined, made up situation where the child’s sex means something that you have made up. It’s all imaginary. It’s still ok to be disappointed because something isn’t going the way you imagined, but it’s important to recognise that it is made up.

youlightupmyday · 20/10/2022 04:10

ScaryFaces · 20/10/2022 01:04

I don't really understand gender disappointment and can't help thinking it stems from gender stereotypes, assuming the kind of person your child will be or the kind of relationship you have with them based on their sex. What do you imagine a daughter would be like that a son can't be?

I think this is the crux of it.

I wanted a boy first, like a PP said I thought i was a boy mum. I am a strong sporty personality and had internalised misogyny. Now, 20 years later, and a hell of a lot wiser I know that it is the child's personality and how you love them that creates the bond. My partner is incredibly close to his mum they still speak a few times a week and he sees her as often as he can.

Chat with a psychologist and work out what is driving you. You will still have a lovely little baby. ( I love a baby!)

Babygirlnameq · 20/10/2022 04:13

Gender disappointment is a real thing. But it is worth asking yourself why you want a daughter.

To get all psychologist-y on you, do you want a little girl to, in some way, re-parent yourself?

CatsandDogs22 · 20/10/2022 04:15

i think if the strength of your feelings doesn’t calm down within a few days definitely therapy is in order.

It’s ok to wonder what might have been, think about what you might have named them etc. But keep it in perspective.You have 2 lovely boys and are so lucky to get a 3rd.

Honestly once he is hereyou are going to have so much fun with 3 of a kind you will probably get mad when people suggest the next one wilL be a girl (it won’t, it’ll be triplet boys). I might be biased though, I have 3 of a kind, am one of 3 of a kind, as are my mother, my husband and my BIL….. I honestly highly recommend having a 3 girl or 3 boy family.

Crimsoncupcakes · 20/10/2022 04:35

I have a very close friend who is desperate for a baby , IVF, several miscarriages that broke her heart, finally she has accepted that it wasn’t to be, but she is truly devastated .
You have 2, nearly 3 healthy children, but you’re all upset that you aren’t having a daughter.
Be grateful for what you have, you sound utterly selfish

Madagascary · 20/10/2022 04:37

You do sound a bit obsessed with this. Thank for for boys - easy loving and fun.

couldyoubeeit · 20/10/2022 05:03

@HighlandPony
'And there’s my point. Why would I care about being cool and edgy? I’m a fucking scaffie for the love of Christ.
That’s the problem with women. Everything is about perception, not a practical bone in most womens bodies. all about how they look and what others think of them. I couldn’t give a shite.'

The absolute irony of your post is kind of hilarious . You're not exactly rainbows and sunshine yourself, love. I know plenty of women nicer than you funnily enough.

Sellorkeep · 20/10/2022 05:05

I recently spent time with a woman and her three sons who were around 12, 16, 18.
i really noticed how lovely was the relationship between the boys and their mum - they were so loving, caring and fun together with their mum. It made me challenge my long held assumption that I’d prefer daughters to sons.

Madagascary · 20/10/2022 05:33

I’ve got boys. And their girlfriends. So you sun both ways

Madagascary · 20/10/2022 05:33

win

Dinodigger · 20/10/2022 05:41

Page394 · 19/10/2022 23:42

I’m sure once your baby DS is here you will feel a sense of peace about it. You might always wonder what a daughter would have been like, but I don’t think you’ll always feel really sad about it.

Instead of thinking about what you are not getting, can you shift your mindset and think of all the lovely things that come with having 3 boys? A lovely, loud house full of laughter and noise and fun and cuddles. Forever the queen of the house. So much love and affection. My son gives the best cuddles. I’ve also learnt so much from him that I would never have known if I hadn’t had him. I know loads about cars and I genuinely enjoy watching football now! (Yes my son is a stereotypical boy who likes cars and football).

I personally find Boy Mums to be the best too. Can you sign up for some baby classes and make friends with other mums of boys? Safety in numbers and all that! Even after having my daughter, I’ve stuck with my boy mum friends, they’re so much fun!

Some people will tell you that you should just be grateful you can have children, but I think that’s really harsh. Gender disappointment is real. Be kind to yourself. And congratulations on your pregnancy.

What is a boy mum?!? I have boys and girls and I can tell you parents are all the same amount of "fun" regardless of what genitals their children have. What a weird thing to think and say!!!!

Ekátn · 20/10/2022 05:50

i am reading this wrong?

I am sure the Op is saying they are the dad but loads of people seem to be reading it a different way and that the Op is the mum.

ofHardey · 20/10/2022 05:59

The ops is the dad. It's possibly the subtle way it was phrased at the beginning of the op that many posters have missed.

Op, I found gender disappointment to be a real thing. But it only lasted till the dc arrived .. and now we are totally in love with the last one because of their personality and general gorgeous cuteness! Not got a single shred of dissapointment in me anymore more, in fact my heart swells with pride when I see them all together and think of how amazing they are.
May this happen for you too (and I'm sure it will) FlowersBrew

IhateHermioneGranger · 20/10/2022 06:03

@HighlandPony You might feel 36 is old but it definitely isn't.

RIPQueen · 20/10/2022 06:07

I have 3 boys. When I was pregnant with #3 I was initially a little disappointed he wasn’t a girl. As soon as he was born I realised if I had another I would be very happy with (maybe even prefer) 4 boys. It’s a wonderful dynamic and you will feel differently when he’s here x

KimberleyClark · 20/10/2022 06:09

Try to imagine never having a child, ever. Perhaps that will put things in perspective for you and make you realise how blessed you are.

greenbananatree · 20/10/2022 06:16

OP I think it's ok to grieve. Since having a dd I've met a lot of people who might not even talk about it openly but in conversations have told me they wish they had a dd but had ds instead. I think take your time and enjoy your ds and see what qualities they begin to show and really get into enjoying those.

I'm in the situation where I cannot afford a second dc and fast approaching 40 and I'm having to grieve that. Not easy at all but we have to count our blessings sometimes!

Bramblejoos · 20/10/2022 06:21

I wanted a boy first, like a PP said I thought i was a boy mum. I am a strong sporty personality and had internalised misogyny

Me too - but it was because the boys were the 'heroes' growing up - girls ignored a bit.

Frezia · 20/10/2022 06:27

@HighlandPony Better start working on that horrible attitude to women unless you want to damage your daughter for life.

Ragingoverlife · 20/10/2022 06:28

For gender disappointment I can totally relate. However it's not the fact you are disappointed by your child's gender you will love them regardless, but you do grieve the other child that you may have been having for 20 weeks.. you pictured your life with that child and those activities and however much you try and deny stereotyping it's there. And most of the time the child follows that stereotype! Whether you care or not.

It feels like a club you're missing out on. There are potentially huge differences later on in life (the difference between a paternal grandmother and a maternal one) look at any thread about child birth or breast feeding , not one mentions going to My mother in law to help..

It does not mean you don't love your child it means that you can never fully relate. That doesn't necessarily mean that you won't relate 100 percent to all of your children at all times but with the opposite sex you'll never understand puberty, dating, anything like that.

It's not all about barbies or trainsets most parents couldn't give a crap.

I have now settled into my one sex mum status x 4 of them and I'm happy. But I have absolutely grieved an imaginary child. As well as loving the child I did have x

FlatWhiteExtraHot · 20/10/2022 06:32

MyLovelyPen · 20/10/2022 01:09

Super helpful post @sweeneytoddsrazor 🙄.

One family’s experience is just that, one family’s experience. It’s meaningless.

“Gender disappointment” has got to be one of the most ridiculous phrases in the English language 🙄😬.

It really does. Made even more ridiculous by the fact it’s sex “disappointment” not gender.

autienotnaughty · 20/10/2022 06:38

I completely get where you are coming from I have two girls and I loved dressing dolls, playing with silvanians, we watched every show on Disney when they were young and now they are adults we see shows together, eat out, go shopping I love spending time with them. But it wasn't all perfect, the teen years were some of the worst years of my life . A few years ago I had a boy and I absolutely love the bones off him, we have great fun playing Mario playing board games, going to the park. He's so much fun to be with even if his aim in the toilet is a little off!!