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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask why you gave DC his last name?

488 replies

Tsort · 18/10/2022 23:10

If you kept your name/aren’t married, but gave DC their father’s last name (as opposed to double barrelling or giving them you own), may I ask why?

OP posts:
Ihatethenewlook · 18/10/2022 23:12

Because he promised to marry me. But he didn’t. I know have a different last name to my 3 children. This is changing very soon. Isn’t it mad how men consider a marriage ceremony more tying than having 3 children

Ihatethenewlook · 18/10/2022 23:13

*now

FrankTheThunderbird · 18/10/2022 23:15

Because he's their parent too.
Because of weird messages I was given about names growing up. Because I was told he'd have to adopt them when we got married if they had my name!

It's never actually bothered me that we don't share a name though.

Original poster
Tsort · 18/10/2022 23:15

Ihatethenewlook · 18/10/2022 23:12

Because he promised to marry me. But he didn’t. I know have a different last name to my 3 children. This is changing very soon. Isn’t it mad how men consider a marriage ceremony more tying than having 3 children

Oh, dear. I’m sorry.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tsort · 18/10/2022 23:17

FrankTheThunderbird · 18/10/2022 23:15

Because he's their parent too.
Because of weird messages I was given about names growing up. Because I was told he'd have to adopt them when we got married if they had my name!

It's never actually bothered me that we don't share a name though.

Because he’s their parent, too And so are you. I’m not sure I get the point being made.

Because I was told he'd have to adopt them when we got married if they had my name! Also a bit lost on this one.

OP posts:
SwordToFlamethrower · 18/10/2022 23:17

Guilt tripped and shamed me into it. We weren't married, I wanted my kids to have my name. He "compromised" and said if its a boy, he can have his name, if its a girl, she can have my name.

Ended up having one of each but both with his name because he is a manipulative AH and a POS.

Deeply regret giving in, but at the time, I was very much being abused.

SpinningFloppa · 18/10/2022 23:17

Why does it matter to you?

Original poster
Tsort · 18/10/2022 23:19

SpinningFloppa · 18/10/2022 23:17

Why does it matter to you?

Why does it matter to you why it matters to me?

OP posts:
Original poster
Tsort · 18/10/2022 23:20

SwordToFlamethrower · 18/10/2022 23:17

Guilt tripped and shamed me into it. We weren't married, I wanted my kids to have my name. He "compromised" and said if its a boy, he can have his name, if its a girl, she can have my name.

Ended up having one of each but both with his name because he is a manipulative AH and a POS.

Deeply regret giving in, but at the time, I was very much being abused.

Christ, I’m sorry. I hope your situation is better, now?

OP posts:
SpinningFloppa · 18/10/2022 23:21

Tsort · 18/10/2022 23:19

Why does it matter to you why it matters to me?

Show quote history

🙄

JanuaryPinks · 18/10/2022 23:21

Because I kept my maiden name but am NC with my own dad (whose name I have) and no one else in wider family has this name. By contrast loads of DH‘s family have his name and I wanted kids to have that feeling of belonging to an extended family.

I also got to choose their first names and chose names from my non-British heritage, and they both had my mum’s surname as a middle, so felt that was a good compromise.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 18/10/2022 23:21

Double barrelled didn’t sound good, just not compatible surnames. Wanted baby to have one or the other. DH wanted his surname more than I wanted mine. I cared on the equality principle, he cared whether the baby had his name. He felt he’d look like a step dad whereas no one would question that baby was mine. Baby does have my surname as a second middle name. Baby (now 6) knows she has both names because she’s from both of us.

MissMaple82 · 18/10/2022 23:21

Didn't happen, I stood my ground, i got the silent treatment for weeks, why the fuck should it be their name is my opinion

FrankTheThunderbird · 18/10/2022 23:22

Tsort · 18/10/2022 23:17

Because he’s their parent, too And so are you. I’m not sure I get the point being made.

Because I was told he'd have to adopt them when we got married if they had my name! Also a bit lost on this one.

Show quote history

Well why shouldn't they have his name? They are his dc. They needed to have one of our names. Why shouldn't it be his?

The adoption thing never made sense to me either, but we were told he'd have to legally adopt them when we got married in order to change their names of they had mine. So we gave them his. And then never married.

Other than that. It was my choice. I've never understood why it bothered others so much.

NoYouSirName · 18/10/2022 23:22

Because it was important to DH and not in the slightest bit important to me 🤷‍♀️

HorribleHerstory · 18/10/2022 23:23

Because I like to break tradition.

Original poster
Tsort · 18/10/2022 23:23

SpinningFloppa · 18/10/2022 23:21

🙄

Show quote history

Indeed.

OP posts:
SwordToFlamethrower · 18/10/2022 23:25

Tsort · 18/10/2022 23:20

Christ, I’m sorry. I hope your situation is better, now?

Show quote history

Yeah been with my husband for 8 years, tried for a baby for 6 years, finally I am 38 weeks pregnant and we have decided to keep our names, except for adding a new last name on the ends of ours and giving the baby the new last name.

Works for us! We are taking the baby's name in fact!

We are very happy 😊

Untitledsquatboulder · 18/10/2022 23:26

I didn't. I changed my name when we were married and I gave the children my name.

Motheranddaughtertotwo · 18/10/2022 23:26

Because we’d already discussed marriage and I knew I’d end up with the name too.

Original poster
Tsort · 18/10/2022 23:27

FrankTheThunderbird · 18/10/2022 23:22

Well why shouldn't they have his name? They are his dc. They needed to have one of our names. Why shouldn't it be his?

The adoption thing never made sense to me either, but we were told he'd have to legally adopt them when we got married in order to change their names of they had mine. So we gave them his. And then never married.

Other than that. It was my choice. I've never understood why it bothered others so much.

Show quote history

Yes, but why shouldn’t it be yours?

Re the adoption thing, are you in the U.K.? If so, may I ask how long ago this was and who told it to you? As, as far as I’m aware, it’s never been the case here.

I don’t think anyone’s particularly bothered. I think it’s interesting and I wondered why people did it. If you don’t want to talk about, I’m certainly not trying to make you.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tsort · 18/10/2022 23:29

JanuaryPinks · 18/10/2022 23:21

Because I kept my maiden name but am NC with my own dad (whose name I have) and no one else in wider family has this name. By contrast loads of DH‘s family have his name and I wanted kids to have that feeling of belonging to an extended family.

I also got to choose their first names and chose names from my non-British heritage, and they both had my mum’s surname as a middle, so felt that was a good compromise.

I think it’s interesting that you refer to your last name as your maiden name and see it as belonging to your father, while you refer to your DH’s as his name. Is that how you think of your respective names?

OP posts:
FrankTheThunderbird · 18/10/2022 23:30

Tsort · 18/10/2022 23:27

Yes, but why shouldn’t it be yours?

Re the adoption thing, are you in the U.K.? If so, may I ask how long ago this was and who told it to you? As, as far as I’m aware, it’s never been the case here.

I don’t think anyone’s particularly bothered. I think it’s interesting and I wondered why people did it. If you don’t want to talk about, I’m certainly not trying to make you.

Show quote history

No reason it shouldn't be mine. But we chose to use his. And it mattered to him more than it mattered to me.

Yes I'm in the UK. I don't think it is a thing, but multiple people told us it was at the time (18 years ago) and we had no reason to think they were wrong.

People definitely are bothered. I've been told tons of times I should have given them my name.

Original poster
Tsort · 18/10/2022 23:31

MissMaple82 · 18/10/2022 23:21

Didn't happen, I stood my ground, i got the silent treatment for weeks, why the fuck should it be their name is my opinion

Also mine. But, clearly some people feel differently. I am super interested in why!

OP posts:
Chillisquid · 18/10/2022 23:32

Because I have a double barrel name, didn't want to drop one over the other to make a new double barrel because I'd feel like I was dumping one side of my family, plus it's a nice name and he's his dad and got less family than me.
If I had another one I'd give them my double barrel surname no hesitation but I was younger and more prone to persuasion then, I'm now a radical feminist and won't be having more and won't change my name if I ever get married.