To ask why you gave DC his last name?

[Tsort]

If you kept your name/aren’t married, but gave DC their father’s last name (as opposed to double barrelling or giving them you own), may I ask why?

@Tsort thanks I know others don’t mind having different surnames but in my situation it translated deeper than this, it really was a patriarchal thing, it makes me cringe now but I am stronger and wiser and actually see myself as the matriarch now haha. Wish I didn’t have to learn some lessons to get to this place but I guess that’s how it goes.

@Tsort Are you one of those people who post on Facebook

“Has anyone ever had to engage a financial advisor to track down hidden assets?” - no other context - and then you get a flurry of

“OMG you ok Hun? What’s happened?
“what?? Call me?”
”Are you breaking up?!”

of course generating dozens more comments than if you’d put an explanation of your situation and not been cryptic.

People have politely asked you why you want to know about this. Many OPs on here give a little to get back. You give a little context, because it encourages people to empathise and understand .

From your replies to peoples “why?” you’ve been deliberately short, dismissive and supercilious (Google it).

I would say YABU but I think you want me to somehow.

I felt no connection to my own surname. I was given my dads surname and didn't have a relationship with him. When my parents had my brother 12 years after me (they were unmarried) my mum decided to give him her surname. I hated that I had a different name to my mum / brother and the side of the family I actually saw.

It actually really upset me having a different name to my children too - probably more so because IT was an issue I had carried from my childhood anyway. I did eventually end up marrying my children's father so we all have the same name now.

@SavoirFlair I would actually argue a number of the "why do you want to know" comments seem very defensive of the fact the PP's have given their children their partners name...

Your whole post is very patronising and clearly designed to embarass OP/put them down. That's not a very nice trait to have is it. Do you always belittle people you don't agree with to seem "cooler"? Are you hoping lots of people jump on the "omg hero!!!" "Absolutely this^" train?

Why does OP have to have a specific reason to be curious about this subject?

Of course everyone is allowed to do what they want and people have plenty of good reasons for giving their partners names to their children. However - it's definitely an interesting subject to visit in 2022 where women are fighting back against these patriarchal traditions, as there is definitelyan argument for it being an outdated tradition with sexist undertones.

I am married and kept my name. Dc have dh's name. We live in his native country and both my first and last names are noticeably foreign. I hate having to spell out my name multiple times whenever people don't get it. However, I didn't take my dh name when I married because the concept of taking your dh's name did not sit right with me.
Based on my experience I was very keen on my dc having common names that most people know how to spell and pronounce. Choosing a local common last name (dh's) made sense to me.
Separately, my home country does not legally allow double-barrelled last names to be given to children. I could double-barrel mine on marriage (no thanks) but not dc's.

Because I had a sinking feeling that his Dad wouldn't be in his life as much as I would.

I was right.

Sharing a surname has linked them together.

His Dad hasn't been as involved as me, which is a disappointment to me, but they love each other fiercely and I know how important his Dad is to DS.

He doesn't have to be a perfect Dad to be an important person in DS' life.

I'm glad that DS has his Dad's surname.

Partner and I (unmarried) each have our own surnames. When I was finally pregnant I was so bloody happy and felt so bonded to my unborn baby, and knew I would be taking a year of Mat leave off work, so I felt a bit like the cat who'd got the cream. Giving DC my DP's surname felt like an act of sharing. Seemed to make sense at the time. I'm generally pretty anti doing things coz they are patriarchy-normative, but I can see how this appears so, even though it didn't feel like that was my motivation at the time. If that makes sense?

Ignore the comment above OP. You can give as much or as little context as you wish.

If someone doesn't want to respond to your question without more information they are free to move on.

Religious reasons. Deeply regret it as ex is a cunt. I blindly did it and belittled myself by not thinking through it. DS has asked to have my surname as his.

I am married but kept my maiden name. I didn’t want my child to have a long/complicated double barreled name. And I am enough of a traditionalist that I wanted to go with my DH’s name. I was also worried that if we used my surname that people wouldn’t think DH was DC’s father.

When I had my DC, my husband was a single Dad. I wanted my stepson, and my DC to feel like siblings despite having different Mums. This was especially important as my stepson didn’t have much of a relationship with his mum, so I wanted to build up our family.
All the kids grew up close, called themselves the JaneHusband brothers. I made the right choice for our set up, but under different circumstances I’d have given my kids my name.

Because it’s mine too, and it’s a nicer surname than my maiden name which is clunky and awkward.

I never changed my name with marriage because it never made sense to me to do so. Even logistically with banking and stuff - just wasn't bothered with the admin and thought it was a bit archaic. Legally, my name never changed. Kids have husband's last name. I don't like double-barrelled names. I find them clunky and too-long. I've no issue with the system of kids taking Dad's last name. I will sign with family last name at times too when it comes to school forms to avoid confusion.

As my DP had two DS’s from a previous marriage and I wanted my DD to have the same last name as her brothers. God willing all three outlive me so they will always have each other….

That was the ideology before birth now I wish I made it my last name as she has medical issues and having to say the two last names constantly pisses me off and I do 100% of the admin for her medical issues

But why does it have to be your DH name and not yours?

I’m married but kept my name. Kids’ have DH’s surname. I suggested double barrelled but didn’t really fight for it as we both have long surnames. I regret that. These things matter.

That's surely at least partly because OP has asked for examples of people giving the father's name, so we won't read answers from people who decided the mother's name was nicer. If the thread was "why did DC get the mother's name" I imagine there would be a range of reasons ("because I wanted to", "because I gave birth to them" etc) including "because my name is nicer/easier to spell".

Absolutely this. Can’t believe it’s taken 4 pages for someone to actually be honest about why.

In my circle of friends and family every single one of them were appalled that I gave my DS my surname. We weren’t married at the time and I wanted the same last name as my son but I was surprised at all the shocked reactions (and I must add - mostly by the men which probably says it all)

@Nosleepforthismum @Ottersmith but that's not the cost for all women so please don't say we pander to our partners 🙄

You haven't said if you're married or not. I think that would make a difference to me. If I wasn't married they would have my name. As we're married (I've kept my name), they have his. Their names go better with his and it was really important to him, not so important to me.

Because my last name was horrible and his is much nicer (we’ve married since and I’ve taken his last name, was quite glad to lose mine). The first name I wanted for DD didn’t go with my name at all and made her sound like a peppa pig character. For DC2 and 3 we were married by then anyway.

Because it was very important to my DP, and I wanted to encourage as much involvement with the child as possible.

I do mind not having the same name as my DD though. It does bother me.

But having said that, I'd probably do the same again, even though we have parted. It was/is important to me to reinforce the paternal link. Yes, it's outrageous that I should feel that pressure, yes it's his child too regardless of the surname. But that's how it was/is, and I wanted to do the best for my DD.

Because the first name I wanted for my child goes better with his last name. His last name is also further up the alphabet and I always hated being last to be called purely because I’m near the end. Also, I couldn’t give a monkey’s about my last name but it gave his family a connection to my child as we were not and are not together.

Simply because my surname is boring and common and his is much nicer. It was my call. We thought about double-barrelling it, but it sounded pretentious so we didn’t. We also considered alternating our surnames with each child, but thought that might be problematic for the kids.

I did it for "right" reasons but still don't feel entirely comfortable with it.
We couldn't double barrel, so decided boys would have his name and girls mine. We only had boys.

In hindsight when we found out we were having a boy I should have had further discussions about it, but I grew up with a different name from one parent and never found it an issue, while he had the same name as both of his and it mattered more to him.

I do quite like that it gave me more leeway over first names, as we REALLY couldn't agree.