To ask why you gave DC his last name?

[Tsort]

If you kept your name/aren’t married, but gave DC their father’s last name (as opposed to double barrelling or giving them you own), may I ask why?

Because I wanted to

Because he was the last person of child-bearing age in his family with his surname, whereas, in my family, there are a few people of the right age to have kids with my surname.

"His" surname is his mother's maiden name, and "my" surname is actually my step-grandfather's name, so which is less patriarchal really?

If you didn’t get married or got married and kept your name, tradition would be that DC took your name, though (this is based on the assumption that you’re in the U.K., which you obviously might not be).

I agree with BecksOclock that some of your responses are coming across as judgemental, although you may not be meaning them too.
Comments such as those regarding using the term 'maiden ' name is because that's what it's known as, nothing more, not about being owned by your father (although it may the origins).
Other pp have similar negative tones. I've never felt that I was owned/belonged to any man. I was brought up to be my own person and see these as digs at my choices as if I'm not an independent person in my own right. Feel free to have differing view points but don't belittle others choices because they hold different ones to you.

I think the final question raises an interesting point, as I don’t think of our last names as ‘belonging’ to anyone other than me and my DH. Clearly this isn’t the case for lots of posters, but where the names ‘come from’ is utterly immaterial to me. My name is my name.

I haven’t belittled anyone. Nor have I said anyone is wrong. I certainly haven’t mentioned anything about people being owned - I think you’ll find that’s your projection. What I’ve done is ask ‘why’?

If you think being asked why one has said or done something is a dig or belittling of said action, then that’s extremely unfortunate. However, I don’t accept your inference as my responsibility.

It may be different for me because I only took on my current surname when I was 8 years old.

I have my original surname on my BC. That name didn't belong to my mother or my father (it's complicated), but was chosen by mum.

I ended up with a different name to my siblings, my mum, my dad, my grandparents.... I was the only person I knew in the entire family with that name. It always felt wrong, like I didn't "belong" in any line of the family.

I ended up living with my maternal grandmother and step-grandfather and decided I wanted to have the same last name as they did.

I guess that might make me more aware of where the name I chose to have came from. Step-GD and grandmother had children together with his surname so I do have relatives with this name now.

Because I wanted too. All my kids have their dads names. I'm not bothered about my name in the slightest.

Because I knew what DD's first name would be and he didn't get any kind of say. I also chose the middle name. I threw him the surname, bless him.

I AM married. Did not take his name, but did give the kids his surname. We live in Japan, and it's usual for bi-national kids to get the Japanese surname as it makes it more straightforward for them growing up here--even in cases where it's the mother who is Japanese, the kids nearly always take her Japanese surname here.

I think the rule for humanity should be, give the kids whichever surname is more suitable or just nicer, and this would also helpfully weed out some of the God-awful surnames that are out there.

I remember once watching a news segment about gender selection technology for conceiving a boy or a girl, and a guy with the surname Hollobone who had two daughters was interviewed on the news segment, and he was whinging on about how he wanted to have a son so he could "pass on my family name." I was like, who on earth would want to pass on the surname "Hollobone"? If you do have a son, your future daughter-in-law, if she has any sense, will insist on giving the kids her surname....!

That totally makes sense. You actively chose your name, so of course its origins are key for you.

Mine has always just been…there. It feels like a key part of my person that was handed to me at birth, like my big toe or my wonky eyesight. Ride or die till the end. 😂

Fair. 😂

I know a ‘Moist’ who was very cross when his wife wouldn’t take his name or agree to give it to the kids, or even hyphenate. It was a total dealbreaker and I don’t blame the poor woman.

I didn’t know that about bi-national kids in Japan, so thank you.

Because his name was shorter and easier to say and spell.

I've been asked the past "What reverse culture shock do you get when you come back to the UK after living in Japan?" Most people assume I freak out about people wearing shoes in the house and things like that.

To be honest, one major culture shock for me about the UK, is this weird attitude that marriage is a sort of icing-on-the-cake-y type thing where you sort of think about maybe doing it after you've had the baby. It's just.... weird to me, like observing the anthropologically-interesting habits of a remote village in the Amazon rainforest. Like, why would any woman take such a risk?

I've lived my entire adult life outside the UK and this icing/cake attitude towards marriage was nowhere near as common in the 90s, when I was growing up in the UK. So yes. It makes me scratch my head.

Because

1. It was really important to him and not to me
2. My name is difficult- I'd suffered with it as a child and didn't really want DS to do the same
3. My name relates to my heritage- for DS its a less significant part of his- so he would have had a name that refers to 1/4 of his heritage which he'd constantly have to explain
4. In theory my surname has a masculine and feminine version so to be totally correct DS'd have to have the masculine one which then wouldn't be the same as either my name or his dads

Double barrel was long. He was worried about people assuming they aren't related and the sexism that might go with that. A man picking up a child with a different name is more likely to concern others.

I've experienced plenty of sexism and so am sympathetic when it goes the other way

This response always makes me laugh.My mum kept her name but we are/were still a family as half of my chromosomes were inherited from her and she raised me.My dads male pride wasn't hurt either and they had a good marriage; till death did them part.

The adoption thing never made sense to me either, but we were told he'd have to legally adopt them when we got married in order to change their names of they had mine. So we gave them his. And then never married.

This is total nonsenss. Children's names can be changed by deed poll as long as both parents agree.

There's always one.

Is this what the OP asked?

Really interesting thread.

I fall into your category OP. I would never change my own name but bowed to convention in giving DS my DP's surname (not married, together 22 years).

Don't like double barrel names, to me they sound pretentious unless they go way back historically.

I just couldn't think of a better way of doing it, but I like some of the suggestions here. And it really surprises me how many people these days are still confused that I have a different surname than my son (at the doctor's etc). Would've thought it's very common now!

Easier to spell, felt it gave me a bargaining chip re. more sway over first names, would never double barrel as think just sounds painfully pretentious when they are just common names.

Because women are trained to pander to men and men expect to have everything their way without putting in half as much effort. Completely crazy. I know so many women who's children have got their fathers surname even if they never see them and not the same name as their primary caregiver. Talk about accepting your place as a second class citizen. No way would I ever do that.

It's amazing how many men's names are 'nicer' and 'easier to spell'. Every time, on every thread like this.

Because as a woman having a different surname to kids is less likely to cause an issue.

a man travelling alone with kids, taking them to the GP, A&E, engaging with school etc is more likely to be viewed with suspicion if he has a different name. Assumed to be stepdad etc.

i took a stepchild to a&e once. It was automatically assumed I was mum, despite different surnames, and I had to point out I did not have PR and couldn’t consent to treatment.

i also like the degree of separation. It helped me keep my identity as a seperate person and not just mum. I don’t get added to social media or what’s app groups- they add dh instead 😂.