To ask why you gave DC his last name?

[Tsort]

If you kept your name/aren’t married, but gave DC their father’s last name (as opposed to double barrelling or giving them you own), may I ask why?

It’s a personal choice, we’re just discussing why people made the choices that they did. For example, why did you decide against giving your kids your last name?

This is what I don’t understand. The very same people who are insistent that a woman should change her name and that kids should have the man’s last name, often seem to also expect women to change their name again if the marriage ends. To ‘give it back’. (And then have a different name to their kids.)

It’s like women’s names are, at all points in time, transient, loaned and dependent upon their affiliation to man. I don’t understand how anyone can consider this reasonable.

It’s like women’s names are, at all points in time, transient, loaned and dependent upon their affiliation to man. I don’t understand how anyone can consider this reasonable

this is how I see it as well. Especially when women are on their second or third husband and change their names each time. Which then means their names don’t match their kids. So it’s their relationship with a man that’s key, not children.

i do often get the feeling that women change their names much of the time so people “know” they’re married. When we have title discussions here it always boils down to “I’m proud to be a Mrs and want people to know I’m married to Dh”. However we look at it marriage is still seen by society as a reflection of a woman’s worth, and changing names means everyone knows that.

I haven't entirely decided whether to give (future) DC just their dad's name, or double barrel
I am also thinking about a double surname without barrel (a la helena Bonham Carter) so that they could choose to use either/both when older and even if "known as" DHSurname would still legally have my name too.

Reason I am unlikely to give them my surname alone is that I am very low-contact (and probably will be NC by the time kids come) with my family and therefore feel a little odd about popping out little "MySurnames" and those children being associated with that "side" of the family; whereas my husband's family are good, kind people who have welcomed me with open arms into their clan. Also they have a very normal nice surname (I might feel differently if it was hideous)

I kept my name on marriage because despite my family being twats it's still my name (not my father's) and I just really would not take my husbands name on principle. We considered both double barrelling or choosing a new family name but decided we couldn't be bothered with the faff and are both known in our professional fields with our existing surnames already.

If I had a good relationship with my family I probably would give the kids my name as after all the woman does the hard bit!

I just like having the name that associates me as the mother of my children and my husband's wife and us as a family.

At work I have an established reputation with my maiden name, and I'm attached to it, I've liked not giving it up completely.

It's not been complicated I switch easily within different contexts.
Once in 30years I signed the wrong name!

I hate double barrelled surnames. I think they sound wanky like your parents couldn’t decide.

and because I wanted too.

Because I couldn't be arsed to send the paperwork off to the bank passport office etc after we got married, but I will get round to it eventually... one day...

I will probably still "go by" my maiden name socially as it's just a nicer name but I want us all to be legally the same.

Good question, honestly it’s hard to say as I’m not sure. I don’t feel like not having the same name makes them any less “mine” as I’ve heard some people say. It just felt like the more usual thing to do I guess, also I like the last name so was happy for them to have it. If it had been a terrible last name however - the outcome may have been different!

I use both - one professionally and one rest of time, have done for 20 yrs. Never found it a hassle, some advantages. Never regretted my decision.

I have a very tricky surname. A very long, hard to spell, Irish surname.

It’s the type of surname you always have to spell and correct peoples pronunciation of and learning to spell it as a child was a chore! 😂

I couldn’t wait to get rid of it!

When DH and I married though, I just couldn’t part with MY name - it’s a connection to my side of the family and my ageing father. So I didn’t take DH’s name.

Our son is 3 years old now and has DH’s surname - simply because it’s a very easy name - easy to pronounce and spell and one he’ll never have to correct people on. It sounds silly but it was important to me to give that to him.

DH assumed we would hyphenate and he actually wanted DS to have my name over his (he thought it sounded nicer with DS’ first name) but after a life time of correcting people, I wanted DS to have it a little easier than I did 😊

(we also gave DS a very classic first name that you could never spell wrong - as my first name is not spelled in the typical way either! Having an oddly spelled first name and a hard, tricky and ling surname, made me determined not to do that to my kids 😂)

In France your married name is only ever for informal use and you retain your birth name for legal purposes.

That means your birth name never disappears from the records.

However, it means that if you adopt your husband's surname on marriage and then you get divorced, you are not allowed to keep using it unless your husband consents and this is formally recorded in the divorce settlement.

Interesting. Do a lot of women adopt their husband’s names?

I can't speak for many french women as I live in England, but in my family my grandmother and my mother took their husband's surnames (my mum subsequently got divorced but kept using his name - she lives in the UK now too and was better known under his name)
My Aunt kept her name and double barrelled the kids

From what I can tell "most" married women take their husbands names as I very very often see "M. et Mme Dubois" etc on letterboxes and friends of my family so there doesn't seem to be a significant difference with the UK in my experience.

I think she’s understood the question perfectly, and the answer is intended to ask a question of you.

You think? The question was: If you kept your name/aren’t married, but gave DC their father’s last name (as opposed to double barrelling or giving them you own), may I ask why?

In what way does Because we're a family, and we all have the same name answer that and what question does it ask of me?

See, my instinct here is to make an argument in support of my assertion. But actually, reviewing it, and given your response, I think I was wrong. I'd say she's making a point, but that it's not really relevant given the way you framed your question.

So...yeah...I got it mixed up. Apologies...

No worries at all! We all miss stuff/get mixed up occasionally.

I'm a father whose daughter has my last name instead of my partners.

We were together less than a year when our daughter was born (Very happy accident). We'd both said we were uninterested in marriage, and weren't even living together at that point.

I just assumed that she'd have her mothers name, to the point that when we finally decided it would sound stupid with her last name (think Lois Lane, Lana Lang, Pepper Potts type alliteration), at which point partner said she wanted her to have my surname. I was surprised, we were both being very sensible about the fact that this was a very short relationship that'd had an absolute bomb dropped on it, and we were under no illusions that we'd definitely still be together in 3 months time.

Partner said that if we split up, then daughter would be spending bulk of time with her (which I thought was fair enough with a young child), so she wanted me to have the surname bond with her. I didn't really have an argument against it, so thats what happened.

15 years later, we're still together, still not married, daughter still has my surname and not her Mums. We have the "marriage" conversation once a year, its become a tradition at this point, and have never decided its worth changing the status quo.

Purely from a logistics point of view, I'm so glad that daughter has my surname. As a father you get questioned so much more about your relationship with a child.

For instance, me and daughter went to the Harry Potter studio tour last year. Partner couldn't have been less interested so just the two of us went. Stayed in a hotel the night before, and even with the same surname on the booking, I still got questioned on my relationship to my daughter, and receptionist confirmed with daughter too.

Good point. I grew up with my mum's surname and my parents were separated. We had an absolute nightmare every time he took us on holiday. Several times we were taken into a separate room to be questioned about him. Once they nearly didn't let us over a border in Europe and my dad had to get my mum on the phone before they'd let us go.

I changed my surname to my husband's when we married 20 years ago because i wanted to.....I could....so i did.

I like his surname and i fancied a change :)

I like the sentiment/tradition behind it but, i'm not sure why.

I think you’ve misunderstood the question.

I didn't misunderstand the question.

Just that my children took my surname because i have the same surname as my husband! I should have been clearer probably (just explained why i had the same name as my H).

That’s interesting.

Partner said that if we split up, then daughter would be spending bulk of time with her (which I thought was fair enough with a young child), so she wanted me to have the surname bond with her.

This starts from a premise that I’m not really comfortable with. The common assumption that women will be the primary caretakers in the case of a split and men the secondary or NRP needs to be examined, imo. Unless we’re talking about a breastfed babe in arms, then why?

However, great that you found something that works for you.

The question is: If you kept your name/aren’t married, but gave DC their father’s last name (as opposed to double barrelling or giving them you own), may I ask why?

It’s explicitly directed at women who do not have the same last name as their husband.

Blimey!! you are strict!! The usual Mumsnet police, pickiin apart an innocent comment - ha ha!

I still didn't misunderstand the actual question, just went off on my own tangent!