Returning playdates - am I just being taken for a mug?

[Botox30k]

Can't work out if I am being harsh here, or if I need to just accept this

Only child, 7yo DD, so despite full time jobs my DH and I try to make a massive effort with playdates . Daughter genuinely polite, well behaved , non demanding (I think, and I don't think I'm deluded)

Over summer took two extra day's leave and had 3 different children for full day, twice - park, fair, ice creams, nice lunch etc. Mums all super grateful in advance "oh they'd just be watching telly as we are working you are so kind" etc. But no contact since

First half term likewise have had 3 different ones back on 3 individual Thursdays (when I finish work earlier) . Tried to set up good play, pizza for dinner etc.

Not one invite back - and just one has said thanks

Is it me but isn't it polite to say thanks or even try and make the same offer back? I absolutely know you don't give to receive (expecting a Mumsnet hammering here) but blimey am I just seen as free childcare???

We didn’t spend time arranging play dates (horrid term). After school a child would ask whether Sam could come back and then another would say can Phoebe come too? We did negotiations there and then. Sometimes a friend would ring and say they were stuck and could I pick up Fred this afternoon, or we’d have bi-weekly drops to a specific activity, taking it in turns to do the running around. I shared school and nursery school runs with another couple of parents as we all had children attending both and they were twelve miles apart. Inevitably we did coffee, lunch or the park afterwards.
When the older ones started school someone might suggest a coffee with a few mothers and the little ones could play together or we’d go to the beach together with all the children after school (their school at that time was atop the cliffs). We’d often go back to someone’s house after church for a coffee and then there might be an offer of a BBQ and swim later on. We did likewise and offered coffee with a safe bike riding /roller skating space. It was never really set up and formalised, it was far more spur of the moment or phone call if we were stuck.
I have one friend who was OK to let me drop mine off at 6.30 am if I had to get to London for work. Her husband worked away a lot and so I’d have her brood for a weekend at a time so she could fly to see him.

As they got older they just arrived. As they’ve moved through university and work, it’s become more pre-arranged because of the need to ensure beds are made up and we’ve decent food in. I’m pretty sure it’s still reciprocated with weekends in other parents houses or parents helping out with airport drops etc.

Initially I was very enthusiastic about playdates and had many friends over but I've found it too much effort and most don't reciprocate so I find it better to just arrange playdates out of the house like park, softplay, trampoline park etc where the parents bring them supervise and pay for them.

This thread has been interesting to read. I rarely reciprocate playdates because there are 5 of us already in a small flat, we both work ft, are chronically sleep deprived, and on the few occasions we have had children around, it's been incredibly hard work. I feel guilty towards my kids but I just can't manage it, it's too much. Hopefully things will get easier in the future.
I have incidentally never felt guilty towards other parents - I think it's unrealistic to expect people to reciprocate favours, invitations, presents etc. If you give something for free, it's not fair to expect something back and feel offended when it doesn't happen.

When my kid is invited to a play date I hope they are invited so the kids can have fun together, I have never viewed it as a transactional arrangement so we can spread childcare. I do shift work and have an elderly parent living at home, we don’t have a large house or garden, and play dates are consequently very difficult. Thank goodness my DD’s seem to have friends with parents that are understanding of that.

Unfortunately these threads always get derailed with the tales of perfectly legitimate reasons some people might have.

In all 4 of my children's classes/sports you get to know the inevitable one or two CF that may appear.

If people work, do sports and socialise regularly then their choice to not be arsed to return playdates, lifts, isn't going to upset me in the slightest, we will just involve ourselves with those that do.

All of my children were blessed with really lovely classes with whom they made lots of friends, lots of possibilities of friendships.
We were very lucky.

But CF are a real thing when you do have children.

My boys did soccer for years with pals and there were matches every weekend, sometimes twice🙄.
At the beginning of a season when one son was 10years old, a woman living within 5 minutes walk of us approached my husband and asked could he take her child to the Saturday matches as her husband wasn't "around", and she had a regular tennis game where she didn't want to leave the players down.

No offer to share the load.
My husband said that I will talk to Billy!

So I asked my husband was he on drugs?!😁

I told him that I was already paring up with 3 other parents and sharing the load of these matches, and I hadn't a notion of giving a lift to a child whose parent wanted to play bloody tennis..(I play tennis too).

I located her number and texted her exactly that.

Turns out her husband wasn't around as he played golf on Saturday mornings.🤨

They had older children and one of the other parents indeed mentioned that whilst she had gotten caught by the parents some years earlier with an older child, she wasn't getting caught for lifts with soccer.

That didn't stop her texting me looking for lifts on numerous occasions.
I just resent the same text, car was full as we were in a round robin for matches.

With 4 children doing sports every weekend, we needed the round robin system to juggle it all.

I had absolutely no interest in facilitating any other parent trying to impose on me while they played tennis and golf.🙄

They caught several parents out at the beginning of the season and then they must have caught on as they started appearing.

Not many mothers, myself included, enjoyed being at the side of a pitch on a freezing winters day with an icy wind and no coverage 🥶. An ordeal to say the least.

But society and social life are fundamentally about reciprocation. Surely you can find some way to return the favour, even if just taking kids for a walk and hot chocolate.

What if everyone were a "taker" ?

I don't see how a mother pestering your husband for a lift has any relevance.

I would have explained why I couldn't give a lift. I definitely wouldn't exclude her son from parties or play dates if my dc wanted to invite him over. I wouldn't care in the slightest if they couldn't play at his. So what?
I wasn't interested in forming a network of parents who I could rely on for childcare or lifts and picking play dates to fit that agenda.

Not everyone is though.
And the parents who host a lot of playdates will offend and disappoint others in other areas of life, no one is perfect. Most of us try our best to get along with people but there will always be some parts in life where you just can't live up to the expectations.

A play date invitation isn’t a favour. The only reciprocation needed is a thanks for having me/ my child.
If you’re resentful that a set of unwritten obligations attached to that invitation aren’t met then you need to accept that you’re only giving to receive.

op has the right attitude in accepting that she’s providing her dd with some company, it doesn’t mean she’s entitled to play at her friend’s house. Absolutely limit the time and money you’re investing in play dates if you’re starting to resent it.

I don't think it's so much about 'I do a playdate, now you owe me one'. It's not that at all. When I invite and welcome a child into my home, it's me extending a gesture of friendship and warmth to another parent, and my child bonding with another child. When that is not reciprocated, it can feel like rejection to my child, like they are not welcome in their friend's house in return. It is also like the other parent doesn't value you or your child enough to take time to show their appreciation. This is especially so if it happens continually. It especially hurts when the other parent makes it known that they've invited other kids to their place, or out with them when yours haven't been invited(When their kid is a constant presence at your place!)

I also have a DS who is 7 and me and partner both work full-time. The problem with this is it actually makes it harder to do play dates. I barely have time to see my own friends let alone arrange for my son to see his friends on top of school time. Also we have a small house, a rental, with a small, unusable garden, which is not as nice as his friends homes and I just feel embarrassed suggesting his friends coming over. They'd not be able to play in the garden and they'd be stuck in the house. He's happy with his own company and we take him to the park and soft play and he'll happily make friends with any child around anyway so I just don't find it necessary luckily.

I feel for you op I remember going way over the top with this trying to ensure my only ds wasn't lonely and return invites very few and between.
The fact is us parents worry too much about this and I feel that other parents with more than 1 just don't feel the need are too busy etc etc.
Your dc will make thier own way when they get older.

Does that mean you’ve hosted 6 different children thus far in a short period of time? If so, was it your DD’s choice to invite each of the particular children involved or are you trying to help her develop school friendships by inviting kids that she’s not necessarily close to in the hope it will assist her in developing relationships? When my elder DS was little (now an adult) he was in a small class with around 9 other boys… and most of us parents felt under pressure at first to make sure we’d taken a turn at having each boy round at some point for a play date. That is, except one mum who had 4 older kids already. She didn’t bother with the whole palaver and just occasionally had a child over to play with whom her DS was especially close to at that particular time. And I have to give her credit, she was absolutely right. I now have a much younger DS, in effect the huge age difference between my two mean they are both effectively raised as only children, yet I don’t feel any need to be involved in how my younger DS builds his relationships. I’ve learned that there is no point sweating it as they will find their own way. Occasionally my little one asks to have his “very best friend” over… it might be the same child 2 or 3 times, then it’s a new “very best friend”. I know I was very keenly aware with my elder son to become involved in the whole friends thing, but your DD will find her own way also and make her own friends, without you needing to work so hard at it on her behalf, promise!