Returning playdates - am I just being taken for a mug?

[Botox30k]

Can't work out if I am being harsh here, or if I need to just accept this

Only child, 7yo DD, so despite full time jobs my DH and I try to make a massive effort with playdates . Daughter genuinely polite, well behaved , non demanding (I think, and I don't think I'm deluded)

Over summer took two extra day's leave and had 3 different children for full day, twice - park, fair, ice creams, nice lunch etc. Mums all super grateful in advance "oh they'd just be watching telly as we are working you are so kind" etc. But no contact since

First half term likewise have had 3 different ones back on 3 individual Thursdays (when I finish work earlier) . Tried to set up good play, pizza for dinner etc.

Not one invite back - and just one has said thanks

Is it me but isn't it polite to say thanks or even try and make the same offer back? I absolutely know you don't give to receive (expecting a Mumsnet hammering here) but blimey am I just seen as free childcare???

We have some parents here that treat other parents like hired help. It does not surprise me op that you are not even getting a thank you for your trouble. I would seriously stop doing it.

@CanofCant thanks :)

@Untitledsquatboulder wow! Lucky I donned my hard hat. I was offering a different perspective because that's allowed on here without being insulted in return? They are not excuses. It sheds light on some reasons why others may not reciprocate so that the OP doesn't feel like she's a mug. Parents know I don't have time to reciprocate equally and it clearly doesn't bother them because my kids get lots of invites!!!! As I said, in our case, we are doing them a favour as they want my kids over to keep theirs company as their kids are either onlies or have no siblings to play with. They also never want to come to mine. They get an invite and I always offer to host at mine but they live in bigger houses and always prefer it in the comfort of their homes. Did you miss this bit?! I have great friendships with my kids' friends. People offer playdates with no strings attached. They are happy their kids have playmates. We all do what works for us. So you do and we'll do us :) Or are you made because I'm from a different culture to you? That's a rhetorical question by the way. People are allowed to do things differently and without judgment.

I hear

This ^

*mad not made

I hear you OP. It's hard. My daughter is older and her very best friend who she loves and we have had over loads hardly ever invites my little girl to hers. Her mum rarely did it anyway, and now the mum has told me that her daughter is in charge of organising, and that hopefully, fingers crossed, she will do it. Which she never does. I find it really cold and wish my daughter would turn her gaze onto different friends who actually want to spend time with her, rather than this rubbish.

@Untitledsquatboulder actually, we do turn down invitations! Otherwise, I'd never see my kids during the school holidays as sometimes they get invites for everyday from different kids. Sorry, you probably don't like to hear this but it's true and, unlike you, the parents honestly don't give two hoots whether we reciprocate or not because they aren't like that!

I have an only child and it's obviously easier for us to have Dc's friends over than the other way around. I think there is so much more of a dynamic going on if you have more than one kid and especially if both parents work. A lot of my DC's friends are one of three - so I appreciate that it's not as easy as just having someone over. It's a shame because my child would obviously love love to see their friends more. However, I get that it's not so easy for the other parents. I see it as our job to spread the net wider and not expect everyone to return the favour. It's what it is

I used to do regular playdates and have 4-6 over as we had the space and I had the time.
They was a bit of effort as I fed the children dinner and baked.
But they are a lovely memory for each of my children.

Even FT working parents would try and return 1 in 3 playdates by having a saturday night pizza evening and dropping the children home afterwards.
This was an effort on their part.

They did this because they wanted it to be a reciprocal arrangement and they cared that their children enjoyed the playdates they had at friends and wanted them to continue.

I don't believe parents that simply don't return any, will be invited indefinitely.

Most children like playdates so will cop on to the fact they are not being returned.

There were a couple of parents who stated early on that weren't interested in doing them or parties, and I think as time went on their children simply weren't invited anywhere.

I would definitely think this impacted their school relationships.

OP, first off dial down the effort.
Then have a good hard look at the children and stick to the ones your child really like, while also broadening out to others in the class.
As for those that can't even say thank you, a hard swerve here.
Avoid.

I do think parents of only children do make a greater effort and I also agree that as a mother of 4 I only issued invites that really suited me, with children mine were very keen on.
I was just too busy when they were small.
Friday was playdate day here, during the week was just too busy.

the parents honestly don't give two hoots whether we reciprocate or not because they aren't like that!

If I had a penny for every time a cheeky fucker parent said that sentence I could take all the lovely hosting parents to the Maldives for a month at least for a kid free rest!

Of course they mind, they just too polite to say.
Eventually your kids will be dropped. Thats life red💃

This used to be me.. I'd have other children over all day in the school holidays, even dropped them off sometimes! I soon noticed those parents only ever got in touch when they needed free childcare. I stopped answering their messages and calls (sometimes less than half hour before pick up wanting me to collect their child).. We are all busy, we all have other sh*t to do, some parents however will always be cheeky fuckers and no fucks are given. Remember that and all will be well. Sadly that's the world we live in.

@RedAngel19 spot on with your first and subsequent posts imho. Constantly amazed by the total lack of empathy for other people’s situations or points of view on here and in general.

We’re wandering into irrelevant territory here - I don’t ask anyone to pick up my children. I don’t ask anyone to have them for a play date.

If we’re asked, DC wants to go and it works for us then fine. It’s often the parents of single children and they openly tell me that I’m doing them a favour if I let my child go.

Kissingfrogs25 I hope you are just being goady but if your nature has genuinely been soured by disappointing social experiences, I can assure you the rest of us are not having the same experiences. Maybe you are not picking the right people?

Maybe it’s just me but any dog I’ve had have been part of the family and I would not punish them for the sake of a play date.

Are you doing this for your child's enjoyment or to get thanks?

I had daughter's friends over during summer holidays, fed them, took them out. One parent said thanks, other didn't. Not bothered because my reasoning to do it was for my daughter and for the child to have a nice time. Gave me joy.

It is cruel when your dog isn’t used to being locked away.

They should definitely be saying thank you, however personally I hate hosting playdates and have only done a couple because I just cant cope with the stress of extra children in the house. I don't want the responsibility of someone else's child but yes I do accept playdates for my children to go to their friends house's as they are obviously happy to have them there and I always show my gratitude. If you are hosting playdates expecting a return offer then I'm afraid yabu.

I've experienced the same OP, absolute manners void.
I've had enough and now only facilitate park play dates and just do stuff with DD myself instead.

Perhaps initiate it and get in touch with the parents to ask if they can take your child for a playdate? Many parents are busy and don't think to offer, but are often more than happy to have your child over if you just ask...

100% agree.
As time goes on it becomes a rotating round robin of playdates, where everyone shares the load, if they want to be included.

That was my experience with all 4 of my children.
Those that didn't reciprocate stopped being invited.

One set of parents were consultants in private practice.
She used to bleat on about how busy she was.
She worked monday -thursday and I often saw her having coffee around the area on a friday.

She never did playdates on the main day of playdates, which was a friday...no homework .

In the last few years of primary she could be heard giving out about the teachers not being inclusive enough and encouraging the children to mix.

By this time age 10, the children had formed groups.

She complained to the teachers on several occasions that her child was unhappy in school and didn't have friends, but she never thought that perhaps years and years of never bothering with sports and playdates might be a factor.

IMO parents who are reciprocal even every couple of times, do it because they are investing in future friendships.

Exactly! If OP had her way her child would benefit from the company of a kid, who she could hand back at her convenience, and then a completely child free day on top of that, so it’s a win win for her! Cheeky fucker. 😂

Why should I shut the door on the dog? And if I did that would be completely different and you know it.

Ok no need to be patronising.

By the logic of some posters, children whose parents don’t hold play dates shouldn’t be invited to any one’s house then? How small minded.

Its a bit annoying if there are no thank yous offered but dragging your personal issues with a child’s parents into this is petty.

Drop the adult political agenda and invite over a kid to your house because it’s your child’s friend and you don’t mind. Or don’t if you’re going to seethe about not being “rewarded” .

Now THIS would be rude. Don’t do this folks!