Returning playdates - am I just being taken for a mug?

[Botox30k]

Can't work out if I am being harsh here, or if I need to just accept this

Only child, 7yo DD, so despite full time jobs my DH and I try to make a massive effort with playdates . Daughter genuinely polite, well behaved , non demanding (I think, and I don't think I'm deluded)

Over summer took two extra day's leave and had 3 different children for full day, twice - park, fair, ice creams, nice lunch etc. Mums all super grateful in advance "oh they'd just be watching telly as we are working you are so kind" etc. But no contact since

First half term likewise have had 3 different ones back on 3 individual Thursdays (when I finish work earlier) . Tried to set up good play, pizza for dinner etc.

Not one invite back - and just one has said thanks

Is it me but isn't it polite to say thanks or even try and make the same offer back? I absolutely know you don't give to receive (expecting a Mumsnet hammering here) but blimey am I just seen as free childcare???

And we did, we most certainly did stop and they bleat that they are being excluded, see Smiley's reply.

But... I don't particularly want my child to go to anyone's house! Why would I? It's actually slightly inconvenient having to arrange it, and I still have the others to look after so it's not as if I get time off. So why should I be grateful? The kids are always busy with sports and catching up at the park etc so it's not as if the need playdates. I'm honestly astonished that people might think they're doing me a massive favour by inviting one of my children. If they wanted to mind all my children at once it would be a different story, but they don't.

Fuck off labelling me as a grabby parent, I wasn’t at all and as I said I regularly invited children over. I loved all my dc’s friends regardless of whether their parents hosted mine. I left it up to my kids who they wanted to invite, no agenda from me.

it’s horribly narrow minded to exclude children because you don’t like their parents. That’s my view.

Totally fine, so decline the invites and don't bother. Simple.

If your child misses out on sleepovers, parties, suppers and days out you can tell them why. That you don't feel you should have to bother. That is totally your choice, and if your dc are happy with your views and are happy to miss out, then happy days.

Parents like this were the bugbear of my play-dating days.
Loads of people on here will make excuses for them, but they're cheeky fuckers. End of story.

But honestly, not all parents are into reciprocity. I'm not, for example. When I invite someone it's because I want their company, or my child does, and for no other reason!

So how can I know which kind of invitation it is - genuine or transactional?

Raw nerve? Ouch.

My dc have plenty of mates now and we haven't even met the parents, they are still most welcome here. It is not dependent on our friendships with the parents.
We did make great friends when they were small, that are still friends today.

It is all academic for us now as dc are older and go out more often than not and are independent, but I would say to parents don't let other people take advantage of you, it is not good for your children to think this is normal. It can years to unwind people pleasing tendencies.

@Zuyi I haven't come across people being angry about it.
They simply chose not to have the children over repeatedly.

One of my daughters mothers was a single parent who worked very hard, I was very happy to include her child in my big playdates as her mum had the children over when she could.

But a parent simply being of the mindset "Nope, its a pain in the arse so can't be bothered"....? I would encourage others to be invited over because that mindset often leaks into lifts, sports, matches etc....and with my own busy life it is handy to have parents that are up for doing their bit when it comes to these things.

You are being very simplistic.

Most invites start out as a genuine request for friendship and fun, if you are accepting invites and never return them then why would they continue?

If you don't invite someone back you are sending the message that you are not interested in continuing the friendship, and it does not hold any value to you. Put very simply.

As you said, you are inviting others because you wish to see them
So if you don't invite others, reverse it, and you have your answer.
It is because you don't wish to see them.

(Whether it is because you need your nails done, completed 40 hours of over time or hate playdates and would rather have a large glass of wine on the sofa is irrelevant to most people) They will simply read you are not interested in their company (or that of their child) and find others that are more interested and reciprocal. It is human nature.

This might sound extreme but the not having many of our playdates returned when we moved to a new town was one of the reasons (many, many reasons) we decided to move our two girls to a different school. It seemed so difficult for our kids to get friendships going at the old one and I always had this sense that we were so different to the other families/ didn't fit in. Ironically now they are at their new school, our girls have made so many friends to play with during breaks and lunchtimes, they no longer ask for playdates!! So I think looking back they felt lonely so were trying to establish friendships during playdates, actually.

I am so glad it worked out for you green and yes I have definitely seen playdates being used as 'currency' before too. Lovely for your girls they can enjoy their friendships and no longer feel lonely. Ultimately most of us just want our dc to be happy, some people are willing to put more effort into it than others - but that is the bottom line for most parents.

I would say don’t let other parents take advantage of you

This is the crux of why I strongly disagree with you. I never resented hosting a play date if it wasn’t reciprocated. As a pp pointed out, it wasn’t a transaction.

it was a very uncomplicated matter of having a friend over.

No way would I invite a child to play and then complain about providing “unpaid care” or assume the parents were cheeky fuckers taking advantage. That’s absurd to me.

Youre far too quick to judge and label people including me which is why I told you to eff off with your presumptions about me which were wildly inaccurate.

Also with girls you can see playdates being used to manipulate dynamics, so maybe there were lots of playdates but they were only inviting certain girls etc and not your girls, despite coming to your house regularly. That kind of power play can be really toxic.

You are talking about something entirely different. Again.

We are talking about parents that NEVER return invites, and in many cases don't even say thank you.

Of course play dates are not transactional, unless you find you are doing most of them and the other parents are doing none. Then it is unhealthy and unbalanced. I am not sure why you keep arguing about a point I am not making. It is not tit for tat playdates, equally we are not going to be a doormats anytime soon!

CFs are soon shown the door. I have no idea if you are a CF or not as I don't know you. But anyone that has met grabby CF parents tend to recognise one when they see them. You could be great for all I know, and probably wouldn't dream of treating other people badly.

You are having children over for your daughter not for return dates.

I tend to have children back if we are invited because i want to help them foster good friendships. I'm doing that for my child not for politeness or for yours or because it is owed. I do it because i want to for my child.

In the nicest possible way you are overthinking it. Have children over because its nice for your daughter. Don't take days off work to facilitate other peoples childcare. Don't expect return invites. Maybe your dd is a pain. One of my sons is friends with a really annoying boy. I find him so rude i only rarely invite him back (and then only when my son has specifically asked).

There are always things you can do eg. My DD was eating at friends houses a lot so I invited all parents around for dinner one eve

A simple explanation to suggest you have thought about offering but can't do it for various reasons goes a long way

I tend to think people that never ever host probably live in a pig stye though.

We are talking about parents that NEVER return invites

Yes we are! And I’m stating I had NO problem with parents that didn’t want to do play dates. I didn’t feel taken advantage of in anyway. My children didn’t feel “used” and neither did I.

There are a million reasons why a parent might not invite your child over. Easy to write them off as cheeky fuckers but far kinder to think beyond that.

Regardless of the reason, I’m not on board with punishing their child or refusing to let them come over in future.

Some parents just CBA.
A dd, who is working and has 2 other children, has had the same two children round for play dates with one of hers many times, with not a single return visit from either of them.

One of the mothers actually told her she just can’t be bothered.

Of course there might be some very good reasons for why a parent can't host a simple playdate or say thank you, but really in my experience most just can not be bothered, and those that are in difficulty usually make it known.

My view is that if you don't value the friendship enough to reciprocate once in a while then why should we? When we have other friends that are amazing and kind and would rather see.

We only have so much time, so we aren't going to waste it on people that are not terribly invested or interested. I tend to encourage my children to have meaningful friendships that have some value and depth, and honesty about them.

If you have the time to invite those that are not especially invested in your child and she doesn't mind not being invited back occasionally then that is great, good for you. We never had the time, as we have always been busy returning invites and favours and keeping our proper friendships going. We use our limited time wisely on the friends that give back, and are there for us. We don't have enough time as it is to see all of the people we would like to.

@Botox30k I sort of know how that feels!

One ‘friend’ A complained to me about her DC. (7yrs) struggling at Primary with reading and maths and asked if I could help so once a week we had them to ours after school for ‘homework club’ with another child and our DC. Our Primary school set a lot of homework every week so there was plenty of reading and written work to do.

My DH would spend up to 2 hours going through the homework with the 3 children including tutoring her child on a 1:1 basis whilst the other two played. I made the kids dinner on those evenings and the children got collected by their respective parents at about 8pm. Friend A’s child really improved their ability and confidence over the years.

We did this weekly during term time for 5 years and my DC. was only invited to this friend’s house on about 3 occasions during all that time. However, I know friend A had a slightly complicated life and one year even asked us to host her child’s birthday at ours on the day we had them after school. So she brought her 2 older children and a cake with her when she came to collect her child at 7pm.

Although DH and I occasionally grumbled to each other about the lack of any ‘thanks’ from ‘friend’ A, we acknowledged that we were really doing it for the benefit of the child as we’d seen their confidence blossom during this period and hopefully, when they’re grown up, they’ll have fond memories of their time at our house.

I am sorry to say that is more common than some pp would like to admit.

@OyCuntyChops you are really good people and likely changing outcomes for that child. Very kind indeed.

I have yet to hear an answer to the question I posed earlier in that why do I owe anyone reciprocation for a "favour" I didn't ask for? There should only be two options of "Only accept invites if you can always reciprocate it" or "Never accept any invites ever".

DD is an only child so I was more than happy to accept playdates if she was invited (provided we weren't already busy) but I would only arrange playdates in my home when she specifically asked if a friend could come over. If she had been invited to Jane's house then unless and until DD asked "Can Jane come over to play?" I would not be issuing a reciprocal invite automatically