Returning playdates - am I just being taken for a mug?

[Botox30k]

Can't work out if I am being harsh here, or if I need to just accept this

Only child, 7yo DD, so despite full time jobs my DH and I try to make a massive effort with playdates . Daughter genuinely polite, well behaved , non demanding (I think, and I don't think I'm deluded)

Over summer took two extra day's leave and had 3 different children for full day, twice - park, fair, ice creams, nice lunch etc. Mums all super grateful in advance "oh they'd just be watching telly as we are working you are so kind" etc. But no contact since

First half term likewise have had 3 different ones back on 3 individual Thursdays (when I finish work earlier) . Tried to set up good play, pizza for dinner etc.

Not one invite back - and just one has said thanks

Is it me but isn't it polite to say thanks or even try and make the same offer back? I absolutely know you don't give to receive (expecting a Mumsnet hammering here) but blimey am I just seen as free childcare???

I was going to say this. An extra child can change the whole dynamic and make the parent’s life a hundred times more difficult when they have 2 children or more. Parents of only children should think about that before handing out invitations, if it’s purely in order to receive them back.

@RedAngel19 so many shitty excuses. But I notice you don't turn down invitations for your children, perhaps you should keep them home "for cultural reasons" or to experience more precious time with them?

Where I live if you didn't reciprocate then your child didn't get invited back. Kept it nice and simple.

Jesus Christ, dial it back a bit.

Invite a child over on a Saturday and either shut dog/cat in garden or another room of the house. Or if you have a partner get them to take dog for a walk while visiting child is there. It's just excuse making. I have pets it has not prevented me inviting children over. Lots of children have pets.

You invite a friend for each child. It's easy. 3's a crowd but 2x2 works very nicely. I've done it lots. It's easy. Excuse making.

23% of posters think it’s perfectly okay to not say thanks when someone takes your child out for a full day and treats them to a nice lunch, ice cream etc. And there’s your answer, OP! Rude bunch. YANBU.

I would always have tried to reciprocate, though not necessarily in the same way and exactly 50:50, as circumstances vary. I had two dc close in age and in the situation you describe, I might say we can't manage so much after school as activities clash, but would X like to join us for a family outing one weekend, planned so that you and dh can have a nice day out some time? I was always happy to help friends out, and grateful for their help, and sometimes people go through tricky patches - but overall there has to be give and take.

A lot of people can't host: their own working hours; partners working from home; other siblings who need entertained; too small/ messy/ embarrassed about house etc But there is no excuse for not saying thank you. That does suggest lack of appreciation and any desire to build friendships so I wouldn't continue to offer for those people unless it was to the benefit of my child.

You do playdates for your kid to spend time with their friends, develop friendships etc. It's not done as a free childcare exchange. I work full time so it's hard to do. There are some mums that I have had their kids more and some that have had mine more. Just have the kids over if you want them, don't if you don't. Thanks and reciprocation is nice but you're not doing it for that reason.

Interestingly in my experience some of this comes home to roost by year 5/year 6 when those parents who never invited anyone to ANYTHING, whether a little birthday tea, a party, a playdate, a meetup at the park (being sociable does not have to be expensive!) Find that suddenly their children are invited to NOTHING and it's amazing how they then whinge their child is being excluded!!

I’d be gutted if my DS couldn’t have play dates because the “other side” couldn’t reciprocate.

In your shoes, I’d have the quiet word with the hosting parents offering a quick reason why a return play date may not be forthcoming (work commitments, home environment etc) and thank them. If there’s ever an opportunity to do something and take an extra child, extend an invite then. We’ve often took responsibility for taking DS’s friends to parties on a weekend which gives the parents a bit of a break even if it’s not quite the same as a play date!

I’d scale back. Just do something if your daughter really wants to. If she wants to socialise out of school does she do brownies. She’d get to do lots of activities with friends, pack holiday etc.
I have one dd and used to have others over more than was reciprocated but didn’t mind if it suited us. Mums would thank me though or contribute financially.

Where there's a will, theres a way. None of those factors would prevent someone from ever hosting

It doesn’t always work very nicely though, especially if your kids are very close in age. I have 5 kids and never did formal play dates. I lived on an estate with lots of children when mine were little, and the well behaved kids that my lot befriended were allowed to play in our house and/or garden almost anytime my kid’s wanted. We never needed nor particularly welcomed invitations to play dates, so why should we feel obligated to invite their kids back?

As others have mentioned, it's partly because you have one child that you're having more play date. I've one child and am in the same boat. I work term time and often have dd friends over during the holidays. It suits me though because it keeps dd10 occupied and they're no bother. I don't always organise big things. Give them 2 quid and let them walk to get an ice cream, play in the garden, watch a movie etc. the play dates are reciprocated but not in equal measure. I accept that. I would get too hung up about it, but if it's annoying you then reduce or stop but I'd imagine it'll be your dc who will miss out, not the other kids who might have siblings they can play (fight) with.

I think it depends. My son is an only child but only 5 so still at the age where parents come and stay. It makes it more of a social thing for me too as my kid is entertained by someone other than me and I get to chat to my friends.

If it was more of a 'drop and go' play date then I probably would start to feel resentful if I was always doing it and it was never reciprocated or apparently appreciated.

Same as some other pps have said it can be the only child thing. You need them more than they need you. I used to invite lots of children over to keep my daughter company especially in the holidays, others with multiple children often didn't reciprocate as theirs had their siblings for company. Felt like the local free childminder at times.

What I found useful was holiday clubs during the summer, used to sign up for a week with one of her friends which broke up the need for entertainment. Is there anything like that where you are?

You would lock shut your dog out/ lock it up for the sake of a play date? How cruel.

You are being very rude ethical which is a rather strange user name for someone that does not seem to have too many ethical values.

Your child benefits from the playdates by seeing his friends, new experiences, new houses, new food and toys to play with and fun of course (which can't be paid for) and you sit back and accept the invites and feel no requirement to return the favour every once in a while? Why can't you host a weekend play date or a day out somewhere exactly? No one is that busy, and you have a nanny ffs. Take a day's annual leave even.

You are most definitely 100% a cheeky fucker, additionally you are raising children with the same values. Your dc will suffer in the end, as other children will soon drop them for more equal friendships.

Seems a bit harsh to accuse them of just wanting free child care. From each parents' perspective, you invited their child round of your own free will

Yes! Nobody makes me invite a child for a playdate - I do it when it suits us. I am not doing a favour for the invited child's family, and they do not owe me anything.

I am particularly aware of this because DS is often invited to playdates at a time and day which brings me no benefit, and maybe a bit of a headache. Eg on an afternoon where I work and have already paid for teatime club, and now I have to pick him up from somewhere else less convenient. Or a playdate with a new child, when I can hardly keep up with the tried and tested playdate kids. I will always try to reciprocate, but my heart does not always leap with gratitude when DS gets an invite.

I also notice people are making a big effort with days out etc, and then getting upset when their DC is not invited over. I wonder if a low key 2 or 3 hour playdate at home would be easier to return? If you set the bar nice and low then it is easier for everyone.

Lone parent of 3 who works full time and long hours. Mine get invited to lots of play dates/sleepovers, I don't reciprocate as much as I'd like but thats just how it is. Also, a child going to a play date isn't exactly free childcare for me when I've got the others at home whining at me why they can't go to such and such house too.

The way I've found around it is mass sleepovers or big parties a few times a year. If I've got some annual leave then I'll do something big for them all. I always help out struggling parents when I can too, such as lifts and emergencies. No, I don't do weekly play dates but the other parents don't seem to mind my way of doing it and I always say thank you when they take mine for a playdate/sleepover.

A play date doesn’t have to be in the home if your home isn’t suitable. You could go to park, Museum, free event at library. I’m taking x to y would they like to come.

@PinkSyCo "Cruel" my arse.

I’m not sure I did as much as I could to reciprocate when my sons were young. I seemed to do better when they were teens. I seemed to enjoy a house full of interesting young people at weekends more than the other parents.

It’s not cruel to put your dog in the garden or kitchen for a couple of hours.

Its sensible if you have a nervous guest visiting or your dog doesn’t particularly like children fussing round it.