Returning playdates - am I just being taken for a mug?

[Botox30k]

Can't work out if I am being harsh here, or if I need to just accept this

Only child, 7yo DD, so despite full time jobs my DH and I try to make a massive effort with playdates . Daughter genuinely polite, well behaved , non demanding (I think, and I don't think I'm deluded)

Over summer took two extra day's leave and had 3 different children for full day, twice - park, fair, ice creams, nice lunch etc. Mums all super grateful in advance "oh they'd just be watching telly as we are working you are so kind" etc. But no contact since

First half term likewise have had 3 different ones back on 3 individual Thursdays (when I finish work earlier) . Tried to set up good play, pizza for dinner etc.

Not one invite back - and just one has said thanks

Is it me but isn't it polite to say thanks or even try and make the same offer back? I absolutely know you don't give to receive (expecting a Mumsnet hammering here) but blimey am I just seen as free childcare???

This used to happen with DS now 17 when it came to his birthday parties.

I used to go all out for several years arranging parties that were particularly suited to his fellow SEN peers.

He was never once invited to a single party in return.

Bastards.

It's very poor not to have received even a thanks (did not even the child thank you?) and it's odd not to have received a single return offer, but I think as a parent of an only child you are both in the position of wanting playdates more than other parents, and of having less on your plate in terms of juggling multiple children.

DD used to have a friend who was an only child. The friend invited her round practically every couple of weeks. I used to send DD as she liked it and clearly friend did too, but the reality was that we couldn't reciprocate anywhere near as much - both because DD wanted to have other friends round somedays, but also because we were juggling other commitments and had to factor in play dates and activities for a second child.

I think playdates are like lending money - only give as much as you are happy to, and don't expect to get it back.

I will say in a couple of years or so, the children will be more vocal themselves about what they want plus at a "playing out" age, so you may well find your daughter starts going to friends' houses a lot more.

This is me. I offer play dates and get none back. Yes it's annoying but we do it to make our children happy. I understand that other people work full time, and don't want to arrange play dates during their 2 days off. I offer it and expect nothing in return, it's the best way.

I make a big effort like you - not necessarily in terms of what we do, but using annual leave or an early finish from work etc. Because it makes my dc happy.

I don’t do anything particularly exciting though.

It does annoy me a bit that we don’t seem to get invited back because my dc would like it so much. But I do keep inviting people for their sake. People around here are often working full time, and I know some don’t have a lot of space for hosting play dates so not sure anyone is being mean.

I never know what to do on this. We have pets and the other children are allergic or scared. I thought of taking them out, but then there's the car seat issue. I do wan to reciprocate but not sure how.

Same here op. I had children round all day in summer but feel sad for dd she has not had any return invites. I think some people just find them a pain so dont bother

It would mean so much to her

You had three different children round on three separate days over the half term?

Seems a bit harsh to accuse them of just wanting free child care. From each parents' perspective, you invited their child round of your own free will once this half term. It's not like you are driving them to an club eevry week or picking them after school so a parent can do something else.
Likewise, the summer holidays were each child once? It's not really a massive deal to each family - you invited their kid out willingly once this summer. It probably had little overall impact on their childcare needs this summer.

No need to put on a show every time a kid visits after school if that is fuelling your discontent.
Just give them the tea you were having anyway and let them play.

Did parents and child really not say thanks when collected? I think sending gifts and cards is overkill for having a kid round for tea. If you'd really done them a favour and taken the child at their request to enable them to work etc, then maybe. But just for an invite to play? Seems rather over the top.

It's always been like that, some parents host more than others. I remember saying in passing to my mum that my daughter's best friend was always at our house but dd rarely got invited there. And my mum said it was the same with my best friend as a child! I had been totally unaware of it though!!

If it's causing you stress having people's kids round then don't do it, or cut down. I never really minded having a houseful of kids. I found it stopped my kids bickering if they each had their own friend round.

Very rude of these families not to have thanked you, but if my child was an only I would just be grateful for the company for her and not necessarily expect or want an invite back. As you do, I would just stop arranging play dates to avoid any disappointment.

I feel your pain, I have an only child too. And if I didn’t make the effort she wouldn’t see anyone

I used to do play dates but DS was never invited back, one friend we had over loads and loads and did lots of nice activities that the mum couldn't afford to do and I was friends with his mum.
She never invited him to hers but would constantly tell me oh I've had xxxx and xxxx stay over.
So I just stopped inviting. I don't regret it at all.

3 kids here. Playdates involved either them all having a friend or none. I love a crazy house so would often have 3 after school. But didn't need to as mine had each other. Some parents hate playdates so wouldn't want to inflict it on them.
Surely for you it's much better for your DD to have a friend on a day out or else it's a bit dull for her? We tended to group trips out with a few families and my eldest didn't often have a match friend to play with (as I never hit it off with his classmates parents) and he would be quite moany if just me to entertain him.

Not everyone can reciprocate due to family circs, work or other reasons. People can also be rude. The parents arent an extension of their child and vice versa.
First thing to ask yourself is did your dd enjoy herself ? Second did you enjoy seeing your dd happy and having fun ? Third how much of pain was it for you to do it?
I think if you do what makes your child happy, both children had fun and the guest child was a nice polite child and not a brat, and its not a huge demand on your time or money with no other expectations then take it for what it is - a treat for your child on your terms re the activities and food etc, and you should have no further expectations.
If you feel taken for granted like being asked for regular childcare or your dc stops enjoying the guests company or they are rude to you or mean to your child then stop.
But I would treat it as something you are doing to facilitate your childs friendships and leave it at that and have completely zero expectations from the other parents.

This

They should absolutely say thank you, it’s incredibly rude not to. But reciprocating is a bit different, as everyone’s circumstances are different and can affect how viable it is to do so. We have big dogs for example, and despite them being great with DS because they know him and are familiar with his noise/movements etc having lived with him since birth, I don’t know how they’d react to strange children in the house. So I wouldn’t offer. Does that mean I should turn down every invite I get for DS to go for play dates at other peoples houses? Because that also feels a bit rude.

I agree with this.

You're not "being taken for a mug". The play dates are primarily for your daughter's benefit and you've chosen to arrange them.

As suggested, limit or scale back the play dates if you're feeling resentful. Are there any after school clubs or activities your daughter could attend with her friends instead?

I don’t mind if play dates aren’t reciprocated - I don’t know what other people’s home lives are like or what they have going on.

Not saying thank you isn’t cool though.

I think it’s a bit rich to expect play dates and never return the favour. Also sets a bad example to your DC - all take and no give. I can’t say it’s my favourite thing after a busy week to have various friends of our respective DCs over at the weekends - but I do because that’s what you do as a parent! I always make an effort to make everyone feel welcome, we do sleepovers, pizza nights, trips out… Most friends do the same or similar. Doesn’t have to be expensive - film on Netflix and some popcorn is fine, as are a few balloons and a run around in the garden. Mostly they want to show their mates their toys, their homes, their bedrooms, their pets. If the house is a bit messy, so what?! The kids don’t care!

I feel your pain. DS5 is autistic and struggling socially. We invite a friend over every term weekend and every holiday week (maybe twice a week) to try and help him but we have only once been invited back. So since he started school I’ve hosted maybe 60/70 play dates and had one back.

the way I see it is it’s good for him. So I’m sticking with it and trying not to get annoyed!

i think with an only child you might also just have to stick with it for their sake.

OP, this was my experience too. And it grated on me too. But I did it anyway - play date after playdate - for DD's sake. And now she's a young adult I don't regret it at all.

Yeah I'm afraid it's definitely the only child factor driving you and families with more than one don't have the same drive or ease to host. I have 3 friends with onlies and they're always keen to have more play dates than friends with sibling pairs. We host a lot as well but my two are same gender and close in age so play with each other's friends. However on a sunny day in the summer holidays they play with each other for free in the garden, so no real drive to have more kids over or the expense of day trips. However I agree that multiple hosting with no return is a bit rude.

Do what you want with playdates and let others do what they want. Some people find them very difficult.

I've got two DSs close in age. Inviting a friend round for DS1 always results in a row because DS2 wants to join in and DS1 won't let him.

Avaliability is difficult as both are friends of full-time working parents. We fill our time with activities so it gets difficult to plan compatible time. I'm the type who plans ahead on "are you free in 10 days" and struggle to plan a month ahead when friends are dealing with childcare. It's a very different culture to when I was growing up and children had a SAHM or mum worked very part-time. It's also made it harder to build contact with parents. Children aren't avaliable to play spontaneously either.

DS2 has had difficulty building his friendships due to spending months out of school while his friends were allowed in and friendships continued in school while DS's social skills atrophied while being banned from playing with children for prolonged periods through Covid restrictions/ lockdowns. I didn't know his friends' parents well enough to risk incuring their wrath by suggesting illegal playdates.

Only one thank you. That would P me off a bit as it costs nothing to be polite. On the return play date I am afraid you have to accept that others can’t or just don’t offer. I used to try and return a play date but sometimes with 5 other children and all their commitments it wasn’t possible.
if you invite children round as your daughter enjoys this and normally would be by herself then you are doing this for ur DC not theirs
not every family needs to have other children around and are happy doing own thing.

the no thank you would be what would annoy me.

I'm curious: should families who would struggle to reciprocate turn down the invitation? I don't want to be rude either way.