Returning playdates - am I just being taken for a mug?

[Botox30k]

Can't work out if I am being harsh here, or if I need to just accept this

Only child, 7yo DD, so despite full time jobs my DH and I try to make a massive effort with playdates . Daughter genuinely polite, well behaved , non demanding (I think, and I don't think I'm deluded)

Over summer took two extra day's leave and had 3 different children for full day, twice - park, fair, ice creams, nice lunch etc. Mums all super grateful in advance "oh they'd just be watching telly as we are working you are so kind" etc. But no contact since

First half term likewise have had 3 different ones back on 3 individual Thursdays (when I finish work earlier) . Tried to set up good play, pizza for dinner etc.

Not one invite back - and just one has said thanks

Is it me but isn't it polite to say thanks or even try and make the same offer back? I absolutely know you don't give to receive (expecting a Mumsnet hammering here) but blimey am I just seen as free childcare???

The more I think about it, the more I think the ones doing play dates so others reciprocate are the ones who are unreasonable. They didn't ask you to take their child, you offered. But you clearly only offered so you'd get a break yourself!

But you clearly only offered so you'd get a break yourself!

Well yes . Why else?

This. I don't have any inclination to reciprocate as I have children with additional needs and the evenings are very stressful for us

I understand your feelings but I’m sure your child has happy memories of all of these sleepovers/play dates etc?

Can I please share one thing with all of the generous and kind parents hosting many playdates for other people's children with no reciprocity.

Please stop and consider what you are modelling to your own children. Yes it might be nice to have a friend over, but they are busy learning that they have to do all the running/organising and hosting and their friends sit back and do precisely nothing in return -
You are at risk of raising needy people pleasers. Every friendship unless there is a very good reason (ie serious or terminal illness, bereavement for example) should be based on equality and reciprocity from a very young age.

You are doing your child no favours at all by allowing them to be used by other people whom have no intention of giving anything back. Think about the messaging. That other families prioritise everything but a return invite to your child, everyone has time, but seeing your child is not important to them - unless you are doing the running of course. What does that say about your child's value and sense of self esteem exactly?

You child will grow up continuing to give and give, and expect nothing in return, not even a thank you.

That does not lead to healthy relationships or friendships.

It's not really about having a break @Stressfordays it's about giving your child a chance to play with their friends at their house (you acknowledge yourself that children enjoy playing at other friends houses).

Friendship is based on acts of reciprocity. It doesn't have to be 1 for 1, hour for hour, playmate for playmate but what sort of deluded parent would you have to be to assume the wonder of your child's presence is enough that it exempts them (and you) from ever having to make an effort. Those sorts of friends are best left in the schoolyard.

playdate for playdate

I do make the effort (see my previous post) but people have different lives and some have more difficulties then others. Inviting and then expecting reciprocation without first discussing that with the other adult is actually quite rude. I said in my previous post, it isn't easy for me to reciprocate playdates but having that pressure on me to always have the other child back is a lot. We don't all have simple lives.

I think it’s a bit rich to expect play dates and never return the favour.

Who said the other parents are expecting, or even want, playdates? It's not a favour if another parent offers something you neither asked for or expected. If I ever invited other children to a playdate/activity/day out it was because it was something my DD requested and I could facilitate it. It was never done with an expectation of reciprocation or for it to be seen as childcare.

My DD is at secondary now so playdates aren't a thing any more but when they were, if my DD was invited to a friend's then of course I would let her go (unless we had other commitments or plans) as I would assume it was a case of the friend specifically asking their parents "Can DD come over to play?" rather than the parents planning for their child to have a playdate and then asking which child they want to invite. I would only arrange playdates for DD if she specifically asked "Can X come to play?" or if we were going out for the day occasionally I might ask "Do you want to invite a friend when we go to Y?" Sometimes she would want a friend to join us and other times she would not.

As an only child I encouraged DD's friendships but as a separated parent my time with DD is limited - I share 50/50 custody with ExDH and DD spends alternate weeks with each of us. Every other week I don't see her at all and then, when she is with me, between school, my work, extra curricular activities, family events, birthday parties etc I get maybe a couple of hours a day with DD and, at best, one full weekend day. If DD was invited on a playdate, if I could accommodate it then I always would (unless DD clearly wasn't bothered about attending) but that didn't mean I wanted to arbitrarily give up my limited free time with DD for the sake of reciprocation.

You are doing your child no favours by allowing them to be used by other people

Oh how dramatic. Children aren't damaged because their mum let them have a friend over to mess about with Lego and bounce on the trampoline together if little Johnny's mum didn't invite them back.

It's worse to teach your child to be so precious and self important.

Yes it's shit OP.

I'm loving all the 'ooh I don't reciprocate because we are sooooo busy and never have the time' claptrap sprouted by many (I gave up reading all the posts) in response to your OP.

Of course us idiots who host basically sit twiddling our thumbs with fuck all to do so hosting your kids is a joy for us mortals.

Note: their schedules are never too busy to accept an invitation for their child though....

What your dog never has a little nap on the sofa for an hour and a half and you could, shock horror, shut the door?! Don't be bloody ridiculous 😂

Really?

I am sure you are one of the said parents that think playdates are someone else's job!

I was once one of the easy going anyone can come to our house type of parent, always had a house full and one day my dd said to me "Why are we always having everyone here, and it is always our house Mummy. Please can you stop buying sweets and doing so much, everyone just expects it now"

She was ten at the time.

From that moment on I realised reciprocity was important for my daughter's development and sense of confidence. We stopped inviting all and sundry, and started being far more selective, and she began to be aware that friendships require give and take, and she dropped the users. She is now a confident young woman that knows her worth today and has made excellent choices.

Some of her friends have not been so lucky, and are dobby types even now. It saddens me to see them grovelling to others to see them. They were the same ones that had mothers breaking their backs on playdates and accepting the piss poor treatment from other parents. I wish I could rewind the clock and tell them to stop right now, you are damaging your children.

You are doing your child no favours by allowing them to be used by other people

Snort. My DM was the one on our estate who always let us have our kids in, took us all on picnics etc. I loved it but took it pretty much for granted. My friends on the other hand grew up determined to be like my DM and not like their parents (who had your closed attitude).

Snort. I was that parent for many years. Snort.

I would have expected them to at least say thank you when picking up but whilst I tried to do some play dates, the reality was, for me, play dates are the worst part of parenting.

When you have several children it actually doesn't make much difference if one gets invited out. It's nice for them, but I've always assumed that my kids were invited because their company was welcomed, rather than as unasked for childcare! If I knew there were strings attached, I'd refuse.

What people fail to realise (myself included, having come from an open free for all home and creating one myself) Is that there is power in being the one that never gives back and is still invited, even at a young age.

It gives children/parents a sense of superiority that they do not feel the need to invite anyone back so sure of their own demand and popularity. It takes a lot of self confidence/entitlement to continue accepting playdate after playdate and offer nothing back. A sense that others have to work for their friendship with playdates and days out. It creates a power imbalance that damages the giver.

It is rather naive to assume it is just an hour of lego. It is far far more than that, and as your children get older it will become much more apparent.

I have enough going on in my life, so I don’t have energy to organise the play dates, apart from with best friends children who happen to be close to mine. If mine are invited to something initiated by another parent, I will let them go. But don’t expect me to return. I will only return if I can. That simple!

Polite to say thanks either in advance or after. Don’t need to do both.

but you should not do play dates in the expectation of getting it back you should do it for your child

Of course I'd say thanks though. It's weird that they didn't.

@Stressfordays
exactly!
If you offer so others reciprocate, please specify that, be open about it.

I don’t think “play dates are someone else’s job” at all.

We regularly had dc’s primary school friends over, I never kept score or expected a return. I definitely wasn’t “breaking my back” over play dates. An hour or so after school, maybe a couple of fish fingers for tea and a few toys out.

I certainly didn’t “select” who was invited over based on their parents.

Youre massively overthinking it.

You can see from this thread there are plenty of people with lots of (lame) excuses as to why they can't reciprocate. It is not hard to see where the problem lies. Trust me they are simply prioritising their own choices and that just so happens to be not you or your child.

No one loves playdates, no one loves other people's children! They can be hard work. Most people do it to give the children a happy and memorable childhood and teach socialisation.

Reading this, I am glad we were so selective.

Can you please try and keep up
smileyclare.

We are talking about parents that never reciprocate and some can't even manage a thank you