Returning playdates - am I just being taken for a mug?

[Botox30k]

Can't work out if I am being harsh here, or if I need to just accept this

Only child, 7yo DD, so despite full time jobs my DH and I try to make a massive effort with playdates . Daughter genuinely polite, well behaved , non demanding (I think, and I don't think I'm deluded)

Over summer took two extra day's leave and had 3 different children for full day, twice - park, fair, ice creams, nice lunch etc. Mums all super grateful in advance "oh they'd just be watching telly as we are working you are so kind" etc. But no contact since

First half term likewise have had 3 different ones back on 3 individual Thursdays (when I finish work earlier) . Tried to set up good play, pizza for dinner etc.

Not one invite back - and just one has said thanks

Is it me but isn't it polite to say thanks or even try and make the same offer back? I absolutely know you don't give to receive (expecting a Mumsnet hammering here) but blimey am I just seen as free childcare???

Yes that has totally been my experience too.

My dc are older now, but this separation started to happen around Y5/6 from memory but sometimes earlier, when the children started noticing that some children were not participating and returning invites. I overheard some children inviting themselves to the non participators which used to make me chuckle watching the parent squirm on the spot! Some children were very vocal and forthright about their lack of invites and the one way tickets!

I have made some great friends over the years with the parents of dc friends once I had whittled out the dead wood, and we have had some truly wonderful times together, all of us. I wouldn't change a thing.

I feel sorry for the parents and by extension the children that never bother, in my experience it really is their loss. I am now very close to all of the children we used to have here and vica versa. They know they can always come to me if they need anything. It has given all of the children, mine included, a sense of safety and reassurance having so many kind and close adults around them.

One day I will see dc friends get married and remember their days with us huddled in our beds with their teddies and dancing in their fluffy pjs and I will probably cry a lot! My friends have wonderful memories and photos of my dc with their midnight feasts, halloween parties in their gardens and all the rest. Life is made up of a patchwork of beautiful memories, and now they are older I treasure them, and I am glad we choose wisely with friends that did not take advantage of our kindness, so the experience was a very healthy one for my dc and us as a family.

It is totally your loss (and especially your child's loss) if you are not involved in my view, childhood is very short indeed and it has been a privilege to have these people in our lives. Life long friends.

Sorry I think you are being unreasonable too. I have 2 ds and a job and it's always a hassle when my kids get invited to play dates as it's actually harder work for me (if it's straight after school, I still have to collect 1 ds and then head back out again to pick up second ds later) so It upsets our routine etc and therefor feels like I'm doing you the favour but would feel really rude Turing down an invitation!

Again If they have been invited I try to reciprocate but then it usually causes arguments as the child without the friend over gets left out etc and then that child feels it's unfair that their sibling had a friend over so they want to arrange a play date with a friend then too so I have to arrange twice as many play dates as those with only children.

I don't think you are really seeing it from other peoples perspective.

People should always say thank you!

The issue is that playdate hosting isn't always wholly altruistic, and IME if it's for an only child, some parents are very happy to host. The problem is if the expectation is for absolute equivalence. I could never reciprocate a huge amount, but so many times I was told I was doing the other parent a favour as it kept their dc entertained and in some cases let the parent get on with their work.

Just because you want to do a big day out with your dc and want them to have company shouldn't mean that that's the standard for everyone else. OP it sounds unfortunate that your dc hasn't been invited to someone else's house, but has she been specifically excluded? I'd feel very pressurised if someone wanted to take my DCs on fancy days out and I wasn't in a position to do the same. It's a headache some people just don't need, and not the norm for some families who may have other demands on them that you don't even know about.

I probably host more, but we don't do fanfare. "Off you go" I say and then I ignore them except for the supply of hydration and the odd snack. I realise that's a lot easier to do with a garden than without one. I don't invite kids to join us on days out or holidays.

My duty and priority is to raise well rounded, confident children that understand the importance of equality and reciprocity in all relationships.

My children's development is all that matters to me smiley, so I would not encourage unhealthy friendships full stop. I am here for them, to help them through life by making healthy friendship choices and being a good example. They have always had a broad range of buddies and chums, and we were lucky to weed out the CFs pretty early on, so for us it hasn't been an issue for years.

@KellyJonesLeatherTrousers thank you. Agree with you. I'm astounded by the lack of empathy shown by some posters.

@Kissingfrogs25 actually, nope! My kids are almost in high school and the invites have never stopped or reduced. Their friendships have never been impacted nor my friendship with the parents. I never said I don't ever reciprocate. Just not as often. I also never asked for a playdate! I know you don't wish to believe it but the parents really do not care. They have openly said to me that I am doing them a favour. I don't need the childcare so there's no benefit to me in my kids going. They go if they want to go and/or the schedules work. My kids are company for theirs whilst they can get on with housework or simply relax at home whilst the kids occupy themselves! Perhaps I am very fortunate because the parents I know are all really lovely, supportive and non judgemental. The more I read some of the responses on this thread, the more appreciative I am that none of the parents of the kids mine are friends with would ever hold it against me that we don't reciprocate playdates equally.

I will leave this thread now as it seems pointless to defend my post if some posters aren't able to conceive that others may think differently to them. My original post was intended to offer a different perspective and make the OP feel better. I hope that is the spirit in which it was received.

DS is younger but also an only, we also find we offer more play dates than we get in return, but I really don't mind. My priority is that he's happy and had plenty of opportunities to pay with other children, I understand if you have a houseful of your own dc already you might be less inclined to invite others into the fray. Also how does that work if you have 4 DC do all 4 then get play dates at home otherwise it's unfair (genuine question)?! That sounds hellish.
We came home from a 5th birthday party Sunday morning with a friend in tow, asked if we'd mind if he came to play, he likes our house apparently! Checked with his mum who was grateful as her youngest had been up all night. No issue for me, he's a nice polite boy and DS loves him. He also has 2 younger siblings a toddler and a baby, whereas our house is a bit calmer.

I have had a similar experience as RedAngel19. It's horrible to read that those who can't reciprocate to the same degree being described as CFs or as not bothered or as 'dead wood.'
OP, you might need to dial down your expectations of other families - I'd say give/host willingly if it suits you, but be honest with yourself about why you're doing it. If it's in the expectation of an equivalent response, are you sure the other family are actually in a position to respond? If not, then that's your problem really, not theirs.

You are going to flounce because you have been a CF for years red and really seem to believe no one has noticed how you never seem to get round to returning invites

Yes yours is a different point of view, and your post reflects that you are almost relieved that your children haven't suffered unduly because of your cf behaviour. However if your dc have acquired your values and entitlement then they are likely to become VERY unstuck in high school!
Maybe your troubles are just beginning not ending.

Trust me the other parents are not so kind as to be totally bloody stupid, they for sure know who and what you are.

It is so annoying (and rather hurtful) when people just take goodwill for granted. I was a teacher and looked after a neighbour friend's child, who is the same age as my DS, every weekday for 5 weeks during the summer school break. They were in the same class at school and were friends outside of school so it seemed to work. We had fun days out and the child's mother said that she would take the last week of the holidays off work and return the favour i.e. take my DS out so that I could do my preparation for the new term. It never happened! Once she was off, her child went off to play with someone else and left my DS upset and hurt. I felt really used! Her reason?....her DS fancied a change of playmate so my DS was not included. I was speechless! The boys moved past it and continued to be friends (as children do) but the free childminding didn't happen again!

@Kissingfrogs25
Maybe your troubles are just beginning not ending.

How rude! You’re totally out of order. What on earth gives you the right to say this. You have a very twisted view and you don’t seem to be properly reading or trying to understand other people’s post.

On my days off i already have a billion things to do, and on the rare days i have a whole day free of nothing else planned id really rather spend the time with just my own kids. Tbh I'd just assume they're busy, like everyone else!

Good grief @Kissingfrogs25 calm down, what a nasty post. If I was the parent of one of your dc's friends I'd be keeping them well away from the influence of your 'values' and narrow thinking. Whether or not your child spent equivalent time in someone else's house and them in yours is really not the huge big deal that you think it is. Some kids don't even like being in other people's houses, or their siblings don't enjoy strange kids in their house, or their parents have other demands on their time. It doesn't mean their entire lives are ruined. Guess what, there are gloriously different ways of being in the world, of being connected to others, of being part of a community. Just because you think your approach and experience is best doesn't make it so.

Errr it shouldn't be breaking news to any parent that children learn many values from us!

And yes I have seen many kids get pretty unstuck leaving primary school expecting the invites to keep rolling in kelly.
Most teenagers with the exception of those with incredibly low self esteem expect reciprocal friendships, and will call out Cfuckery very quickly when they see it. It can be a harsh lesson to learn if you have not been socialised or raised properly from a younger age, and I have seen many teens lose their confidence and feel uncertain. Teens are very well known not to put up anyone's crap.

Do keep up.

No one is talking about a slight imbalance of playdates.

We are talking about the same CF parents that accept invites over and over again and never return them. We are NOT talking about equivalency to be clear.

• to clarify- we usually do have a house full of kids. Every Fri and most school hols. We dont offer expecting the favour returned because it isn't a favour or childcare we're doing. We have the extra kids because our kids enjoy their friend's company, as do we.

I certainly would be very understanding of a parent working FT and very busy, but that is completely different to a blanket no return at all.

IME those that have been CF have been named and shamed, even to parents not involved.
I have been surprised at what I have over heard or been told on the sidelines!

People do gossip about CF's behind their backs, most parents are busy themselves and juggling, so have little tolerance for those that refuse to be put out at all.

Thankfully the few CF's that I have come across were given a swerve quickly.

Wow. I’m shocked you can’t see how toxic that is.
I think it’s cruel to ostracise a young child and never invite them over just because their parents didn’t involve themselves in your play date exchange.

It sounds spectacularly cliquey and small minded, even referring to parents who didn’t host as “dead wood”. If you weren’t pally with the parents, you kids wouldn’t be either? Giggling in the playground if your dc invited themselves over and it made a parent squirm?

I completely disagree with everything you’ve written

My dc are adults now but I never selected their friends and wouldn’t dream of deliberately excluding a child because they had a different upbringing.

Those people who get angry about reciprocity -

Do you think we should refuse invitations if we don't want to invite your kids back another time? That has always

...seemed ruder to me, but would you prefer it?

We had this. I had loads of kids round for playdates but rarely got reciprocal invites. At first I felt like a bit of a mug but in the end I thought sod it, I want my children to have their friends to play, so I kept inviting. They did sometimes ask why they weren't invited back but I just said I didn't know and suggested they ask their mates over.

We have had a great time.
I am not a free childminder to all and sundry.

My children are my priority. If other people are not interested in parties and playdates that is up to them, entirely a matter for them but they can not expect to be invited for years and years and never bother themselves. That is classic CF behaviour and it is definitely not welcome around here.

I agree with billy we only had a few CFs and I would hear other parents talk about them too. They were very well known as CFs, and to say otherwise would be dishonest. I would like to say they had the awareness to pick up some of this, but most didn't. Or pretended not to.

That said we had parents that were very ill with cancer, and other serious stuff going on and we couldn't do enough for them. We focused our energies on the families that actually needed our help, and not those that were rinsing the system so to speak and taking advantage. We would far rather help a family that were in need, then the ones looking for free entertainment for nowt.

No doubt you will squawk that it is 'unfair' smiley that your poor kid should not be punished because you are grabby parent, but I am afraid life doesn't work like that. You tend to get out what you put in. So yes, I agree it is a shame for the children of CFs but hopefully they will learn from the experience and be better parents themselves.

they can not expect to be invited for years and years and never bother themselves.

Okay, but why keep inviting them then? Just stop.

I think there can be a view amongst some parents that those with only children 'need' playdates so somehow think they are doing you a favour letting you have their kids over.

Its really rude, if I know I'm not going to be able to reciprocate then I take a little bottle of wine or something over with me to say thank you

It is not about whether you should or shouldn't be accepting an invite, you need to ask yourself if you are constantly accepting invites but choosing not to return the invite is it right to model that behaviour to your child?

That you do nothing back in return?

And if so, why is that okay?

It is not about them, it is about your parenting and what you are teaching your child.