Returning playdates - am I just being taken for a mug?

[Botox30k]

Can't work out if I am being harsh here, or if I need to just accept this

Only child, 7yo DD, so despite full time jobs my DH and I try to make a massive effort with playdates . Daughter genuinely polite, well behaved , non demanding (I think, and I don't think I'm deluded)

Over summer took two extra day's leave and had 3 different children for full day, twice - park, fair, ice creams, nice lunch etc. Mums all super grateful in advance "oh they'd just be watching telly as we are working you are so kind" etc. But no contact since

First half term likewise have had 3 different ones back on 3 individual Thursdays (when I finish work earlier) . Tried to set up good play, pizza for dinner etc.

Not one invite back - and just one has said thanks

Is it me but isn't it polite to say thanks or even try and make the same offer back? I absolutely know you don't give to receive (expecting a Mumsnet hammering here) but blimey am I just seen as free childcare???

There is another angle to this. There are some parents who only offer playdates when it is clearly only for the sole benefit of their precious and spoiled offspring. We had one situation in Year 1 where my DD was asked to a playdate with a girl she didn't play with as she always wanted her own way and could be quite unpleasant. I said she really didn't need to say yes but she said she wanted to go as the girl got sad because she didn't have many friends. The mother's idea of a playdate was that the DD was taken to a fancy salon for a hair cut and blow dry (five years old!!) and my daughter had to sit in a chair and watch her being preened for over an hour. They were then taken to the library where the girl grabbed every book DD looked at and finally to Carluccio for early supper where the girl sat colouring in on her own and wouldn't speak to either DD or her mother or eat. DD had to sit there eating and responding politely to the mother's grilling on what reading book level she was on and other random competitive questions. There was absolute no way I was having that girl back to our home and I didn't give a damn what the mother thought about reciprocity. I heard some months after the event, after the mother had tried to work her way through the register of girls, that she wouldn't have children in her home as she was very house proud and the girl wouldn't share any of her things.

@Kissingfrogs25 , the daft thing is, dd says, is that (to her anyway) it’s easier when her kids have friends round - they amuse themselves so well, and feeding one extra is no bother. Someone (not one of her CBA mothers) once told her that feeling the need to tidy up first, put her off hosting play dates. Dd has no such qualms - the house is often kid-carnage!

It doesn't necessarily change when they get older. In my teenage daughter's friendship group of about 6-7, only us and one other family had ever offered to hold gatherings and sleepovers ( we don't have a lot of space, they all crashed in the living room). My daughter wants us to host again and I've said no, it's someone else's turn. It was stressful, they are 15-16, we had to be vigilant about alcohol, behaviour, etc. It cost money, as we had to feed them all. I can see why other parents don't want to do it, but I feel they should take turn.

Gcmm I think you've hit the nail on the head- it feels like turns should be taken if not with everyone then sometimes!

Although, having said that, I am wary about my daughters going for playdates as a good friend of mine was sexually assaulted by a friend's dad as a child when out at a playdate. So there is that side of it too when you feel you don't know the other parents very well. Think my friend said it happened on a sleepover. That has always stuck with me.

They have to tidy BEFORE the dc are let loose? That is new to me, at least when the children were young, it was AFTER they left and tidying up before was like shovelling snow in a snowstorm! I have an extremely untidy friend - house was absolutely filthy - she was very proud of it and believe she was improving the children's immunity! I must thank her for the good health of my dc

That is rubbish excuse though not to have friends over, if we all waited until the house was pristine our children would never see each other! I read that as insecure. I think there are one or two parents in our old year that also had anxiety. Again, totally cool with that - bring your dc over and get better is my answer. But if simply CBA well, its on you if your dc turn into wild savages

I have tried, but for one it's the allergies that are the problem. For the other, it's a fear, and they couldn't relax knowing the pet was nearby.

Out of interest if you have an only child and they have been invited to other children's houses what is wrong with inviting their friends back? Why does your child have to explicitly ask?
I would always suggest to mine, we went to Jane's house last week shall we invite here on Friday for tea? Unless there is a back story mine would always happily agree, as often they would forget to ask.

To me you are definitely looking for reasons not to be reciprocal if it all hangs on your poor kid remembering to ask you?!

Surely the onus is on you to be in charge of things as the adult and parent?

The playdate from hell! Your poor dd.

There is no way my child would be returning for round two of that.
Actually I can remember that happened to one of my dds in London, I wonder if it is the same girl?? I have never known anything quite like it. We didn't follow up either.....although we did invite her to the park for a picnic which was VERY diluted, and she spent the whole time telling the mothers how to eat healthily and crisps were not heathy, and didn't eat a thing because nothing was to her taste or join in with the others children. It was beyond hard work.

This is all hypothetical as DD is a teen and at secondary now so my playdate days are over but my system never did her any harm, she was always being invited to various friends houses even if some of them were never invited back as their parents clearly felt the same as I did in that playdates were for their child's benefit and not for some sort of reciprocal childcare.

As I said earlier, I have DD 50% of the time - I share custody with her dad and she spends a week at each house. So when she's with her dad I don't schedule her time (other than standing extra curricular groups/classes) without checking with her dad so that leaves every other week.

DD had extra curriculars 3 evenings a week and had dance/drama Saturday morning and an inevitable party or family event many Saturday afternoons. So there were two evenings a week and Sundays, which I tried to keep for any outings for just the two of us or just a lazy day, where DD could have a playdate at home, provided she wasn't already invited elsewhere (whether that was by another friend for a playdate or to a family members house for tea, which is a regular occurrence in my family as we are a large family but very close knit) ... I also work shifts so if those two evenings a week that DD wasn't busy were my week for late shifts then I would have a family member watch DD, and I would not want them to be responsible for a playdate.

The only way I could guarantee I was available was to book time off work, which I wasn't going to do every other week just because DD has been invited to another child's house. However, if DD actively asked me for a child to come over - ie she wanted this child to come and play because they were friends and wanted to spend time together then I would try and make it happen.

Just because Jane is in DDs friendship group and wants her to come for tea doesn't mean DD wants Jane to come to our house, if she asks I will do my best to make it happen but if she doesn't then I'm not going out of my way to schedule it in especially as our weeks are full on with activities and family events as it is.

It’s definitely the case that some CBA.

I went through a phase of having 6-7 kids round the house on a Friday after school. They loved it, had the run of the garden, playroom etc - and it usually morphed into a dominoes order costing £50 ish. I’d often drive kids home.

after I did this about four times over six weeks, one Friday I popped down to our local village to pick up some drinks for the kids. Found one set of parents sitting outside a pub saying how amazing it was that they could just go out for a pint and dinner on a Friday night since the kids were always at my house.

I should. Caveat this by saying. That DH and I had rarely had the time for this because he works Fridays and tends to finish later, and on the one occasion it had been possible recently, I’d had a house full of teenagers and didn’t feel i could leave.

I did them make a point of saying to DD that it was somebody else’s turn to host. Eventually that set of ‘pub’ parents agreed to have them over after school one Friday but i noted that they were all kicked out around 7pm, no dinner, no lifts home.

These parents later complained about how noisy 13 year old are. Yes, they are. No, it wouldn’t be my choice of Friday night either.

I stopped doing it after a few months, kids loved it but it was just always our turn to have them if they wouldn’t do it at all

I don’t think anyone would mind or care if you are busy and can’t fit things in, no doubt they have multiple children and the same sports and clubs too🤷🏼‍♀️ It’s up to you. I find the friendships benefit greatly from sharing fun times so we make time for fun!

Op here. Sorry on delay long work day. Really helpful to hear other perspectives. I absolutely wasn't offering only for reciprocity, just as I wanted them to have a good time. But as I work full time and bend over backwards, just felt a bit peeved at the lack of thanks or any effort to do the same. I think I'll wind back a bit. thanks ever so

I used to be the same, always having everyone's kids and no one having or doing anything with mine, in the end I put a stop to it

I don’t do play dates, my children go to them, my house is too small, I work with children all day, I don’t want more in my house. We are too busy too, They get invited often to same places. It’s not expected back

We don't reciprocate as a general rule because we live in a small flat & the kids make too much noise for our neighbours. I do however Tey to arrange play dates at soft plays, the park etc. I am always very grateful if anyone looks after our son, & make sure they know that! Manners cost nothing.

I see your point but as a working mum with 3 kids, a husband who was ill at the start of the year and a mum in hospital for the last three months, organising play dates is very low down on my list of priorities right now. You never know what people have going on. My youngest has been invited on several playdates in the last few months and I’ve tried to reciprocate but finding dates that work is difficult…

Totally agree with ChocFrog.

I mean with Boymumsoymum AND ChocFrog.

Sorry are there only two children available to invite, one with fear and the other with allergies? Just invite a different child? I'm sure those 2 children's parents fully understand why you don't invite back (meet with them at the park? Take them bowling?) But surely that doesn't mean you have NOBODY back? Are there no other children in your kids classes? Other kids with dogs, maybe?

@drpet49 wow that’s harsh! No one made her take time off! No one asked for her to invite these kids and you label the parents CF! Me and DH work back to back 16 hr days. We rarely get time off with our kids together, DH particularly. I have arranged days for the kids to have friends over, but I won’t on the odd day we are together. We don’t have much room but we will do it when we can. I would never expect someone else so have my kids just because we had someone’s first. Everyone’s circumstances are different, can’t believe how judgmental people are. If OP had been asked to provide care and was being taken the mick out of, I would agree!

Those saying they only have a small house/flat could easily take dc to the park for a picnic tea? How difficult is it to think of an alternative once in a while.

Pure CF behaviour if you are repeatedly accepting invites and have no intention of ever returning them.

Hi OP, I have an only child too and have felt very similar to you.

Ive decided that if the playdates benefit my child I’ll do them regardless of if I repeatedly invite a child and it’s never returned. I don’t care now about the reciprocation, only the benefit to my child. I’ve had to learn not to care, after zero interest in return playdates from the majority of parents. Whatever their reasons, as long as my DD is enjoying herself even if it is always at our house, that is something. But I won’t invite kids that are badly behaved. I only invite kids that I know she really gets on with and are easy playdates.

As you set out in your original post you have a DH and only one DC. Some of DD's friends could have single parents or other siblings (potentially siblings with additional needs) or a small house and so people genuinely may not be able to invite your DD over

Yes, and we do invite others. But that still means we 'owe' the other parents playdates, if this post is how people feel about it.

We quickly whittled out the CFs and their children weren't included in our round robin of play dates, we dropped the dead wood

a couple of parents in the year group had anxiety..totally cool with that, send your dc over and get better is my answer

So you think other parents are obliged to disclose their reasons for not reciprocating a play date to you? How self important and entitled!
You think you have the right to judge another parent and label them as a cheeky fucker/exclude them as dead wood if they don't wish to share their mental health issues with you?

You don't sound "totally cool" you sound narrow minded and quick to judge a parent who didn't want to join your clique.
It also sounds as though the children picked up on your mindset and ostracized one of the girls in their class because they weren't socialising outside school.