am I being unreasonable to think she's an absolute ****

[ooominn]

This happened yesterday but I'm still so angry about it.

I asked my ex about a week ago if he was alright with me going to work Sunday night as overtime (not usually his night with the kids but he said it was fine). We don't speak much unless about the kids (7&9) so hadn't really said anything else about it.

Came to drop them off on the way last night and he wasn't in. Tried ringing he wasn't answering then got some rushed reply saying he was at work and he'd forgotten and that I should have reminded him.

His wife's car was on the drive and the lights were on so tried knocking and ringing her, firstly she pretended to not hear the door or miraculously any of our calls and then when I finally got hold of her she said ex hadn't mentioned anything and refused to have them.

I had to go home in the end and cancel my shift at short notice fucking over my boss and colleagues.

I'm so annoyed though and want to message her asking what kind of step mother would refuse to let her stepkids in when they were on the door step. My ex is a POS too in this situation I know but seriously why wouldn't you just agree to let them in for the night considering it was her husband who fucked up??

WIBU to message her? AIBU to be mad? Or is it just nothing to do with her as she said last night.

My ex said afterwards she was tired lol.

Be mad at him not her

Nothing to do with the wife whatsoever. They are not her kids.

I definitely am mad at him but she was literally there and refused to let them in who does that. My partner would never do that. He might be annoyed at me but he'd not refuse to let the kids in!

She was absolutely NBU! Your ex was.

It's nothing to do with her. It's ridiculous to be mad at her over this.

I'm with you op, she could have answered the door.

Some of us wouldn't treat a neighbour or acquaintance like that, let alone our partners kids.

Some of the people on this site ......

Wtaf.

Because they are his own kids!
Maybe she was busy, maybe she didn’t want to get up early and do the school run. There are so many reasons why she couldn’t just drop everything for your kids after you turned up unannounced.

Would it really have made a difference if she'd opened the door to say no instead of telling you over the phone?
It doesn't matter what your partner would do, they are your ex's kids, and she wasn't prepared to take on a night of solo childcare. YABU.

His call, like it was her call not to have them. Your agreement was with your ex, not his partner

She’s right that’s it’s nothing to do with her and that’s why it’s irrelevant that she was right there when you turned up on her doorstep with your children.

Its his fault entirely. Unfortunately I too found that unless I reminded my ex of everything, he forgot

I'd be mad at her too. It's his fault but she's married to him, so they're a team. I don't know how she could turn you all away. How long would she have been on her own with them before your ex arrived home? Poor children, what a message to receive.

It's not her problem really
It's between him and you

So I voted YABU as your anger is at her

But yanbu to be mad at him alone

On the face of it, maybe it was a bit crap to ignore the door/phone but actually she could have good reason.

Maybe she had plans. Going out or friends coming round.

Maybe she knew that if she answered the door she'd have no choice but to say yes.

Maybe your ex does this shit a lot and she's had enough.

Your argument is with him, not her. Maybe she was annoyed at the assumption that she'd be covering for his fuck-up and needed to make a point. They're his kids, so why should she have to look after them for the night because he's disorganised and unreliable? You could say "it's only one night", but let's be honest, if she'd agreed then he'd probably think it was fine to do this all the time since he's clearly irresponsible.

Really unkind of her. Yes, not strictly her responsibility but if my stepson appeared unexpectedly after a genuine mistake I'd let him in. Obviously.

She wouldn't have needed to do the school run btw, my ex would be home by then and could do it. It was literally just overnight, they would have gone bed shortly after!

i think yanbu. I think stepmums should try to hide things like this from kids, and not let them see that you’re only nice to them when their parent is there. Obviously that’s the theory, and it’s harder in practice. But as a pp said , you’d do it for a mate’s kids, so why not your own step kids. And things like this are really hard on kids. And it does hurt them. Even if they don’t tell you and out a brave face on.

Your kids and your career are not her problem.
Your ex is a dick. You shouldn't have had to remind him. Knowing that he is a dick perhaps you might think "ah he might have been a dick to her so she's not doing him a favour". Unite in both knowing your ex is a dick. You should be embarrassed for feeling so entitled to her time, you are so angry at her and she's not at all to blame for this. She's not responsible for his actions. Treat her fairly and she could be your number one ally. I'm often the one trying to see the ex's side when DH can't.

Really bad form on the wife, I think. The children are going to be in her life. It will not always be at a convenient time.

Maybe she wasn’t up for entertaining 2 under 10s at shirt notice.

Has you fed them?

This is not your fault, it’s not her fault, it’s their useless dickhead’s dad’s fault. Ask the fucker for the shift money.

Maybe your ex does this shit a lot and she's had enough. yes this. And then you turn up trying to dump the kids on her too!

To be honest it’s really not her issue. I was a step parent and I’d have let the kids in. However, you have no idea of the situation. Why wasn’t your ex at home on time? Maybe he was being a dick and she doesn’t want to pick up the pieces for him.

They may not be her kids but she got with a man and married a man with kids.

To refuse to do any parenting of them when it's his mistake is not great step parenting.

She had every right to be cross with her husband.

I've taken my nephew before at short notice when my sister went into hospital and her ex husband couldn't have him (he was out for the day and a distance away).

He offered to come home straight away but I said enjoy his day out as planned with his mates. His GF offered to come and get nephew after her shift finished at 2pm but I said I'd keep him until dinner time.

That's what people do for children. They don't make them feel like an inconvenience.

And I know they are his responsibility but she's their sisters mum, their stepmum (supposedly). She wasnt going out, she was there with their daughter. She told my ex she was tired so wouldn't have them.