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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

am I being unreasonable to think she's an absolute ****

821 replies

ooominn · 17/10/2022 19:22

This happened yesterday but I'm still so angry about it.

I asked my ex about a week ago if he was alright with me going to work Sunday night as overtime (not usually his night with the kids but he said it was fine). We don't speak much unless about the kids (7&9) so hadn't really said anything else about it.

Came to drop them off on the way last night and he wasn't in. Tried ringing he wasn't answering then got some rushed reply saying he was at work and he'd forgotten and that I should have reminded him.

His wife's car was on the drive and the lights were on so tried knocking and ringing her, firstly she pretended to not hear the door or miraculously any of our calls and then when I finally got hold of her she said ex hadn't mentioned anything and refused to have them.

I had to go home in the end and cancel my shift at short notice fucking over my boss and colleagues.

I'm so annoyed though and want to message her asking what kind of step mother would refuse to let her stepkids in when they were on the door step. My ex is a POS too in this situation I know but seriously why wouldn't you just agree to let them in for the night considering it was her husband who fucked up??

WIBU to message her? AIBU to be mad? Or is it just nothing to do with her as she said last night.

My ex said afterwards she was tired lol.

OP posts:
Liorae · 17/10/2022 19:51

It's not her fault that you chose to procreate with a loser who "forgets" about his kids.

Sellorkeep · 17/10/2022 19:51

Your ex screwed you both over.

Jalepenojello · 17/10/2022 19:52

She didn’t agree to have them so why would she? It was yours and your exes agreement, not hers.

JulesCobb · 17/10/2022 19:52

Shamoo · 17/10/2022 19:48

Some of these replies are baffling. Yea she’s not ultimately responsible, but she married a man with children and any half decent human being would either take them in or explain clearly why that’s not possible (other commitments). She’s a bitch for not doing it. Ultimately it is his fault, but fuck me I hope your kids don’t have to spend much time with a woman who can treat them and their mum with such utter contempt.

(caveat - unless this happens a lot or you are a twat to her.)

Youve called the woman who made no promise to look after children, who was tired and recused to look after children, a
bitch.

the only thing you said about the father who FORGOT HIS CHILDREN, or more likely just didnt want to look after them, was it was his fault.

this is your internalised misogyny.

Sellorkeep · 17/10/2022 19:52

If he keeps that up he’ll soon be her ex too

Colderthanever · 17/10/2022 19:52

Nah I’m with her, she needs boundaries or she’d be always doing this. He’s the issue he committed to having his own kids and didn’t bother. She’s not the issue and she’s right not to let him do this to her. And you to do it to her for that matter. Your kids have two parents you need to care for them between you not rely on her.

im sorry op but good for her saying no. Deal with your pos ex who caused this.

Obki · 17/10/2022 19:53

Dibbydoos · 17/10/2022 19:49

Be mad at both of them. When you take on someone with kids, you take the kids on.

I hate these posts by step mums saying they don't see why they should ABC. Yes I agree if you've been dumped in it by their father - you've got stuff planed etc, but fgs they are children and this shit hurts them.

OP you are definitely not being unreasonable. Your ex is a dickhead, how can he forget about his children?

I hope your employer is OK about it all

I’m not a step-mum and it’s pathetic to say anyone who thinks this isn’t the step-mum’s responsibility is a step-mum.

Right is right.

StarfishBrain · 17/10/2022 19:54

JE17 · 17/10/2022 19:42

Poor kids. Their stepmum was inside their home with their sister and refused to let them in because the Dad wasn’t there. However much their Dad is in the wrong here, the kids will remember stepmum refusing them entry. I’d be pissed off with her too. I think of all the times my stepdad must have been “tired” but never made me feel like I was none of his business/ unwelcome at home,

I agree. How callous. This is the type of thing that children remember forever.

SmallPrawnEnergy · 17/10/2022 19:54

There's no need for her to ever have to speak to anyone just because they are outside her door.
While that might be true I cannot imagine the hurt the kids would have felt in this situation. Father forgot, stepmum refusing to let them in. Absolute shitshow for them poor children. I don’t understand why people bother with lathers with children when they treat them like this.

Gh12345 · 17/10/2022 19:54

Sorry I must be the only one here who thinks she was a

Colderthanever · 17/10/2022 19:54

ooominn · 17/10/2022 19:24

I definitely am mad at him but she was literally there and refused to let them in who does that. My partner would never do that. He might be annoyed at me but he'd not refuse to let the kids in!

Show quote history

Well that’s great that your partner would take her kid in , because that’s the same thing right, not your kids but the abuse you’re hurling st this woman is awful . Your ex is the issue. Not her. Stop trying to make it her fault.

NancyVicious · 17/10/2022 19:54

I couldn't imagine doing this, I know it's not a popular opinion on here to say stepkids are a shared responsibility between all adults involved but that's how I feel it should be. Everyone should pull together. Your ex is a dickhead but the step mother's behaviour was poor

OriginalUsername2 · 17/10/2022 19:55

Also, we’re you polite in asking her to take them?

N4ish · 17/10/2022 19:55

They’re not her responsibility, she has no obligation to let them in at short/zero notice. The problem is with their dad. (I’m not a step mum btw!)

Kriskristoffifee · 17/10/2022 19:55

Did the step mum not have her own thread on Friday??? She had planned an evening with her own daughter and didn't want the late announced visit of step children ?

worriedatthistime · 17/10/2022 19:56

Can't see why she couldn't answer the door and then call her dh to make sure he had agreed and that he would be back shortly to take over
Its not the kids fault
If a neighbour knocked asking for help I would 9/10 times do it
Its strange on here as when a women is with a partner its always make sure they do xyz for kids or get rid etC but other way round different matter

ReneBumsWombats · 17/10/2022 19:57

ooominn · 17/10/2022 19:24

I definitely am mad at him but she was literally there and refused to let them in who does that. My partner would never do that. He might be annoyed at me but he'd not refuse to let the kids in!

Show quote history

Well then, you can trust that he'll have serious words with his wife about it since she has acted so much against his wishes as an excellent father, can't you?

Can't you?

<reads further posts....>

NCScared · 17/10/2022 19:57

Wow if this was the other way around.

OP: Was having a night in on Sunday watching TV. My DH was at work. Suddenly my step children’s mother was knocking at the door and ringing me frantically. I ignored the door and a few calls for a bit. She didn’t give up so I answered. My husband had agreed to have the kids here as their mother had picked up some overtime, but must have forgot he actually had an evening shift. I couldn’t be bothered to look after them so she left with the kids and cancelled her shift last minute. Their her kids, not mine so AIBU?

SpinningFloppa · 17/10/2022 19:57

Have a look at the step parents board you will be shocked at how common this is and most people think this behaviour is perfectly normally and the kids are nothing to do with them 🤦🏻

EricNorthmanYesPlease · 17/10/2022 19:57

OP why couldn't your partner look after your kids?

The step mum is not at fault at all. From your post you say you and your ex don't get on. So it's not about how she feels about your kids, but you.
My DPs ex was an absolute friggin nightmare and no way on earth would I have helped her out. This is your DP fault, but also may be partly due to your actions and treatment of your ex.

menopausalbloat · 17/10/2022 19:58

She sounds like a right twat.

tiredofthiisshit21 · 17/10/2022 19:59

SpinningFloppa · 17/10/2022 19:57

Have a look at the step parents board you will be shocked at how common this is and most people think this behaviour is perfectly normally and the kids are nothing to do with them 🤦🏻

I think what you actually meant to say is how common it is for useless men to expect their new wives to do their parenting for them because they can't be arsed.

FFS

Adieufattummy · 17/10/2022 20:00

I cannot believe that there are people who think that the stepmum behaved reasonably.

Ignoring her two stepkids stood on the doorstep on a cold night.

What an absolute POS she is, and so is your ex.

You marry a man with kids, you take on that responsibility too. Utterly appalling behaviour from her and I hope that none of the people defending her have stepkids.

IhearyouClemFandango · 17/10/2022 20:01

She sounds like a nob. I assume there is history of him putting a lot on her so in some MN cheerleady way she was putting her foot down. Shame that involved two fairly young kids seeing it all so she must be pretty cold.

Loics · 17/10/2022 20:01

tiredofthiisshit21 · 17/10/2022 19:59

I think what you actually meant to say is how common it is for useless men to expect their new wives to do their parenting for them because they can't be arsed.

FFS

Show quote history

Yep.