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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

am I being unreasonable to think she's an absolute ****

821 replies

ooominn · 17/10/2022 19:22

This happened yesterday but I'm still so angry about it.

I asked my ex about a week ago if he was alright with me going to work Sunday night as overtime (not usually his night with the kids but he said it was fine). We don't speak much unless about the kids (7&9) so hadn't really said anything else about it.

Came to drop them off on the way last night and he wasn't in. Tried ringing he wasn't answering then got some rushed reply saying he was at work and he'd forgotten and that I should have reminded him.

His wife's car was on the drive and the lights were on so tried knocking and ringing her, firstly she pretended to not hear the door or miraculously any of our calls and then when I finally got hold of her she said ex hadn't mentioned anything and refused to have them.

I had to go home in the end and cancel my shift at short notice fucking over my boss and colleagues.

I'm so annoyed though and want to message her asking what kind of step mother would refuse to let her stepkids in when they were on the door step. My ex is a POS too in this situation I know but seriously why wouldn't you just agree to let them in for the night considering it was her husband who fucked up??

WIBU to message her? AIBU to be mad? Or is it just nothing to do with her as she said last night.

My ex said afterwards she was tired lol.

OP posts:
worriedatthistime · 17/10/2022 20:01

@tiredofthiisshit21 then they shouldn't be with these useless men
But when someone has kids its part of the package

weaselish · 17/10/2022 20:01

She was unreasonable. It's their home too!

tiredofthiisshit21 · 17/10/2022 20:01

Adieufattummy · 17/10/2022 20:00

I cannot believe that there are people who think that the stepmum behaved reasonably.

Ignoring her two stepkids stood on the doorstep on a cold night.

What an absolute POS she is, and so is your ex.

You marry a man with kids, you take on that responsibility too. Utterly appalling behaviour from her and I hope that none of the people defending her have stepkids.

You don't though. I married my husband, not his kids. They have a mother. I'm not their third parent, nor do they want me to be. Luckily their mum doesn't turn up on my doorstep unannounced and my husband actually parents his own kids and doesn't expect me to do it.

Obki · 17/10/2022 20:03

I bet it was hard for the step-mum not to open that door.

But I’m glad she didn’t, because it means both you and her H will think twice before trying to dump your kids on her.

Zingy123 · 17/10/2022 20:03

You are angry at the wrong person. They are not her kids.

Your Ex is in the wrong and so are you for not reminding him.

IhearyouClemFandango · 17/10/2022 20:04

Why would the OP have to remind him? She asked, he said yes.

StarfishBrain · 17/10/2022 20:04

SpinningFloppa · 17/10/2022 19:57

Have a look at the step parents board you will be shocked at how common this is and most people think this behaviour is perfectly normally and the kids are nothing to do with them 🤦🏻

There are some vile posts on that board. I have no idea why people get involved with someone with existing children if this is their attitude to the poor kids who have no choice in having a step-parent foisted on them who views them as an inconvenience. Awful.

Entwifery · 17/10/2022 20:04

I'll truly never understand why people marry partners that have kids and then want nothing to do with the kids.

FlissyPaps · 17/10/2022 20:06

This reply has been deleted

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Loics · 17/10/2022 20:07

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Including the ones having a go at the stepmother when the father was the one who made the cock up?

HollyGoLoudly1 · 17/10/2022 20:09

If I was home alone with my toddler and my DHs ex-wife turned up on my doorstep unannounced (as far as I knew), hammering the door I wouldn't answer either. She has a history of violence.

I wouldn't turn my DSD away if I knew what had happened. But I would be fuming at my DH.

Your anger is completely misplaced. This is the dad's problem.

I love my DSD and she is very much part of our family. But I am not her parent. She has 2 of those already and it is their responsibility, and their responsibility alone, to sort out the logistics.

FlissyPaps · 17/10/2022 20:09

Loics · 17/10/2022 20:07

Including the ones having a go at the stepmother when the father was the one who made the cock up?

Show quote history

Yes including them. The stepmother should have some empathy and allow her HUSBANDS children to be able to enter their home.

If she didn’t want the kids in the house she shouldn’t have married a man with kids.

Cats4life · 17/10/2022 20:11

If you're married to a man or his longterm live in partner the the kids are part of the package... I cant believe people are defending her this is shocking behaviour... what the hell could she possibly be doing that she couldnt let them in and look after them for a bit then you both couldve started shouting at tour ex.
I've a step dad and no way would he ever have refused me coming into the house or helping take care of us because decent people just dont do that (unless it was a repeated thing and she just had enough but otherwise she is a twat)

Your ex was being stupid but she was being nasty

Heronwatcher · 17/10/2022 20:11

You shouldn’t be mad at her. Sounds like your ex hadn’t even mentioned it so she was probably wary about getting involved in a massive domestic. Plus you can’t possibly know what she’d been doing that day, she could have been caring for parents, ill, bereaved or just (more likely) had a massive row with your dick of an ex.

Smellyoldowls22 · 17/10/2022 20:11

Maybe she was in the bath.
Or just couldn't be arsed to do a night of childcare for kids that aren't hers - I wouldn't be thrilled either.
You have no idea what sort of day she had had, or where she was in her energy allowance for the day. Taking on your children could have meant giving more than she had in her at that time.
I think YABU sorry.

worriedatthistime · 17/10/2022 20:12

@tiredofthiisshit21 so you accept his kids come before you then ? Are you a team and if he forgot would not help him out? If he was became unwell in his kids weekend would you call their mum and send them home ?
If this was a one off surely you would call your dh and say did you promise to have kids ? If so how long will you be ? And watch them of for an hour or so until he got home
Then tell him later its not on etc
Rather than 2 kids on doorstep and you say sorry no you can't come into your home

Original poster
ooominn · 17/10/2022 20:13

I've never asked anything of her before, it's not a theme or anything where I'm always 'dumping' the kids on her, nor am I horrible to her. We actually get on alright usually the little we've spoken.

Me and ex don't necessarily not get on, we just don't really speak unless it's about the kids, admittedly thats because I don't really like the man so would rather have nothng to do with him if possible but we aren't always at each others throats or anything, we just don't talk unless needed.

Yes they'd had tea already and she hadn't already told ex she wouldn't have them because she was tired. That's what he said to me when he spoke to her afterwards.

I was civil last night and didn't make a scene because the kids were there. I wasn't banging on the door or shouting or anything like that. I even told the kids after that she was probably going out soon or something so they didn't feel upset.

Just can't imagine being like that, my partner has kids too and I'd never just refuse to let them in if he was out and I wasn't going anywhere and neither would my partner.

OP posts:
ShinglesThinBonesWhiskersBunions · 17/10/2022 20:14

Poor DC

The problem is your ex. His lack of care and planning is not their stepmum's responsibility.

I would be annoyed if anyone kept knocking on the door and ringing I would be a bit put out. I can understand why you were anxious to get to work.

There is not much background about if you ex has form for this or what your relationship is like.

For the sake of your kids, this 100% needs to be sorted with your ex.

Broke101 · 17/10/2022 20:15

To be honest I'm with you OP. And it works both ways. You marry into a family. Its not something that happens all the time. Families should work together. Unless she was on her way out or was ill etc the she could have let them in.
I come from a family where my mum married 3 times. One child with each dad ... but no one was ever ignored by the others partner and turned away. That's quite cruel.

Yes it's your exa fault. And yes be angry with him. But it was a bit shit of her

HollyGoLoudly1 · 17/10/2022 20:15

Funny how many people on this thread want the stepmum to be a 'team' with the dad when it benefits them. But in all other areas, we are to keep our noses out and remember we aren't a parent etc. etc.

Takeitonthechin · 17/10/2022 20:15

This has nothing to do with her, this is between you and your ex, use this as a lesson and make sure next time you give him a few reminders he's having the kids.

Whatwouldyado · 17/10/2022 20:16

JE17 · 17/10/2022 19:42

Poor kids. Their stepmum was inside their home with their sister and refused to let them in because the Dad wasn’t there. However much their Dad is in the wrong here, the kids will remember stepmum refusing them entry. I’d be pissed off with her too. I think of all the times my stepdad must have been “tired” but never made me feel like I was none of his business/ unwelcome at home,

This 100%

She is not a nice stepmom op

how about don’t marry a man with kids if you don’t want to be supportive and loving

sandytooth · 17/10/2022 20:17

Why are you so angry at her? This is your ex's fault. Where's the anger for him? You should be this livid with him. Do you still like him or is it just coz you think the SM should be a doormat and put up with the two of you leaving her to look after your kids?

Thisgroupneverceasestoamazeme · 17/10/2022 20:17

i think that’s a really shitty thing for her to do with your kids there. She married a person with kids then she needs to accept that sometimes she has to step in and help out even if it’s through gritted teeth. I can’t imagine ever turning away my own child’s siblings on the doorstep. I hope they didn’t feel too rejected OP

sandytooth · 17/10/2022 20:17

Takeitonthechin · 17/10/2022 20:15

This has nothing to do with her, this is between you and your ex, use this as a lesson and make sure next time you give him a few reminders he's having the kids.

She shouldn't have to.