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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

am I being unreasonable to think she's an absolute ****

821 replies

ooominn · 17/10/2022 19:22

This happened yesterday but I'm still so angry about it.

I asked my ex about a week ago if he was alright with me going to work Sunday night as overtime (not usually his night with the kids but he said it was fine). We don't speak much unless about the kids (7&9) so hadn't really said anything else about it.

Came to drop them off on the way last night and he wasn't in. Tried ringing he wasn't answering then got some rushed reply saying he was at work and he'd forgotten and that I should have reminded him.

His wife's car was on the drive and the lights were on so tried knocking and ringing her, firstly she pretended to not hear the door or miraculously any of our calls and then when I finally got hold of her she said ex hadn't mentioned anything and refused to have them.

I had to go home in the end and cancel my shift at short notice fucking over my boss and colleagues.

I'm so annoyed though and want to message her asking what kind of step mother would refuse to let her stepkids in when they were on the door step. My ex is a POS too in this situation I know but seriously why wouldn't you just agree to let them in for the night considering it was her husband who fucked up??

WIBU to message her? AIBU to be mad? Or is it just nothing to do with her as she said last night.

My ex said afterwards she was tired lol.

OP posts:
sandytooth · 17/10/2022 20:18

Thisgroupneverceasestoamazeme · 17/10/2022 20:17

i think that’s a really shitty thing for her to do with your kids there. She married a person with kids then she needs to accept that sometimes she has to step in and help out even if it’s through gritted teeth. I can’t imagine ever turning away my own child’s siblings on the doorstep. I hope they didn’t feel too rejected OP

She doesnt they were safe with their mum.

Isaidnoalready · 17/10/2022 20:18

Those kids will remember this and it's going to cause issues

HollyGoLoudly1 · 17/10/2022 20:18

sandytooth · 17/10/2022 20:17

She shouldn't have to.

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She definitely shouldn't have to. But that's not the stepmums fault. A 100% exH problem.

Leakygutter · 17/10/2022 20:19

She was probably just as furious with him as you were.

aSofaNearYou · 17/10/2022 20:20

YABU, she has every right to establish her boundaries with her DH "forgetting" and leaving her to deal with these situations, and it sounds like it is necessary for her to do so. I'd have done the same in her shoes.

sandytooth · 17/10/2022 20:21

HollyGoLoudly1 · 17/10/2022 20:18

She definitely shouldn't have to. But that's not the stepmums fault. A 100% exH problem.

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Fully agree with you there.
He shouldn't need reminding and he shouldn't expect the SM to pick up the pieces. My DH would be mortified if this had happened to us. Personally I'd have let them in but that's up to me.

Longleggedgiraffe · 17/10/2022 20:21

FannyFifer · 17/10/2022 19:24

Nothing to do with the wife whatsoever. They are not her kids.

I disagree. As a Stepmum myself I think it's dreadful behaviour to just discount the kids and act as though they never existed. She married him and the kids should be part of the package.

Chattycathydoll · 17/10/2022 20:21

HollyGoLoudly1 · 17/10/2022 20:15

Funny how many people on this thread want the stepmum to be a 'team' with the dad when it benefits them. But in all other areas, we are to keep our noses out and remember we aren't a parent etc. etc.

There’s a difference between ignoring your stepchildren and smothering them.

Obki · 17/10/2022 20:22

@Thisgroupneverceasestoamazeme

She married a person with kids then she needs to accept that sometimes she has to step in and help out even if it’s through gritted teeth.

But she doesn’t have to, does she? Because she didn’t step in and nothing bad happened to her. She didn’t get swallowed by the ground. At the most she probably regrets having children with a man who forgets his own kids.

sandytooth · 17/10/2022 20:22

And if you're worried about the impact on your kids OP, ask DH to explain he was a dick

DWMoosmum · 17/10/2022 20:23

Personally, if I were the new wife, I'd have taken them and then had it out with my DH. You'd have to have a very hard heart if you wouldn't take two children in even if you were tired, busy, having a bath, face pack or whatever other reasons people might come up with.

sandytooth · 17/10/2022 20:23

If she let them in and one of them injured themselves you'd both be having a go at her for not supervising properly.

Obki · 17/10/2022 20:23

Chattycathydoll · 17/10/2022 20:21

There’s a difference between ignoring your stepchildren and smothering them.

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Funny how you jumped straight to smothering. Who are you even talking about? So many first wives projecting their own lives on to this poor step-mother who was blindsided by her husband and OP.

sandytooth · 17/10/2022 20:24

DWMoosmum · 17/10/2022 20:23

Personally, if I were the new wife, I'd have taken them and then had it out with my DH. You'd have to have a very hard heart if you wouldn't take two children in even if you were tired, busy, having a bath, face pack or whatever other reasons people might come up with.

But they were with their other parent. Perfectly safe. Not her fault OP had plans. Why do OP's plans trump hers?

Namechangehereandnow · 17/10/2022 20:24

Awful .. just awful. I genuinely don’t understand the step parent mentality on here. You are creating a new blended family as step parents - Op’s children have a step sister in this scenario - why on earth would you not just treat all the kids the same? I honestly can’t believe the attitude of, and towards some step parents.

DogsDryWineAndCheese · 17/10/2022 20:24

I’m utterly amazed by the amount of ‘not her problem’ responses on here. The second she decided to marry the childrens dad then she became a step-parent.
She wasn’t at fault, I agree. He was at fault, definitely. However - who the fuck would turn their step children away from the door? The second she did that she became as irresponsible as him.

Caroffee · 17/10/2022 20:25

Your ex is to blame (and you for not reminding him), not the stepmother who is not responsible for YOUR children.

ElectedOnThursday · 17/10/2022 20:26

I think they’d had an argument about it. I bet he expected her to have the kids and she’d said no. Their union won’t last much longer.

gettingolderandgrumpier · 17/10/2022 20:26

I find it odd that she ignored the door and phone she was definitely expecting you . Your ex hadn’t forgot he asked her she said no so she thought I’ll ignore it rather than tell you .
I mean if she knew nothing about it and he really did forget then why wouldn’t she answer the phone what if it was a genuine emergency nor work related someone was seriously ill . she’d answer the door of course then , but she knew what it was about and thought no . I’m not blaming her but be honest ! . Sounds like they deserve each other op both dishonest self centred people but he’s the parent like others say .
yanbu to be annoyed at either of them imo

HollyGoLoudly1 · 17/10/2022 20:27

Chattycathydoll · 17/10/2022 20:21

There’s a difference between ignoring your stepchildren and smothering them.

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I don't do either.

If she did let them in, is that smothering them? Or she's allowed to let them in, and be the solo parent figure, but only because it would benefit the mum? And be mindful not to smother them.

As always, you can never win as a stepparent. For the record I would have let them in, once I knew the situation, but I'm not surprised she wants to stay well out of it.

sandytooth · 17/10/2022 20:27

DogsDryWineAndCheese · 17/10/2022 20:24

I’m utterly amazed by the amount of ‘not her problem’ responses on here. The second she decided to marry the childrens dad then she became a step-parent.
She wasn’t at fault, I agree. He was at fault, definitely. However - who the fuck would turn their step children away from the door? The second she did that she became as irresponsible as him.

Dad was irresponsible by not being there. All SM has done is leave them with a parent. One of their own parents. Why is that so terrible? OP is only annoyed about it because she had plans. That is not the SM's responsibility.

NorthernLights5 · 17/10/2022 20:28

I can't imagine turning my stepson away like that (although he is with us the majority of the time anyway).

Yes it's obviously their dads fault but she is supposed to be their family too. I can't believe so many posters don't see stepchildren as family. Why not marry a man without children? They aren't hard to find.

OP your ex is also wrong for saying you should have reminded him. Him and they as a team have sent a clear message to your children that they are less than an afterthought. Saying he forgot is pathetic and I'd wager he probably is pretending he forgot and did it to fuck you over because he doesn't care about your children.

Does he bring anything positive to their lives?!

tiredofthiisshit21 · 17/10/2022 20:29

worriedatthistime · 17/10/2022 20:12

@tiredofthiisshit21 so you accept his kids come before you then ? Are you a team and if he forgot would not help him out? If he was became unwell in his kids weekend would you call their mum and send them home ?
If this was a one off surely you would call your dh and say did you promise to have kids ? If so how long will you be ? And watch them of for an hour or so until he got home
Then tell him later its not on etc
Rather than 2 kids on doorstep and you say sorry no you can't come into your home

That's not the scenario we're talking about though is it. If my husband became unwell while the kids were here they'd stay til their mum was due to collect them. But we have had a scenario where my husband had an op and wasn't fit enough to look after the kids, and they didn't come until he was better.

DogsDryWineAndCheese · 17/10/2022 20:30

sandytooth · 17/10/2022 20:27

Dad was irresponsible by not being there. All SM has done is leave them with a parent. One of their own parents. Why is that so terrible? OP is only annoyed about it because she had plans. That is not the SM's responsibility.

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And back in the real world, most step parents would have their step children in this situation in a heart beat. I wouldn’t even turn away my neighbours children in this situation. And she didn’t ‘have plans’. She had work. To provide for the step children.

BadNomad · 17/10/2022 20:30

Where was your partner then? Why did he not cancel his evening plans to look after your children?

You don't know anything about your ex and his wife's relationship. You have no idea if she's at the end of her tether with his behaviour. Maybe she has to do everything for their joint child because he's a useless lazy shit and so she's putting her foot down with having to sort out his fuck-ups with his other children.