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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

am I being unreasonable to think she's an absolute ****

821 replies

ooominn · 17/10/2022 19:22

This happened yesterday but I'm still so angry about it.

I asked my ex about a week ago if he was alright with me going to work Sunday night as overtime (not usually his night with the kids but he said it was fine). We don't speak much unless about the kids (7&9) so hadn't really said anything else about it.

Came to drop them off on the way last night and he wasn't in. Tried ringing he wasn't answering then got some rushed reply saying he was at work and he'd forgotten and that I should have reminded him.

His wife's car was on the drive and the lights were on so tried knocking and ringing her, firstly she pretended to not hear the door or miraculously any of our calls and then when I finally got hold of her she said ex hadn't mentioned anything and refused to have them.

I had to go home in the end and cancel my shift at short notice fucking over my boss and colleagues.

I'm so annoyed though and want to message her asking what kind of step mother would refuse to let her stepkids in when they were on the door step. My ex is a POS too in this situation I know but seriously why wouldn't you just agree to let them in for the night considering it was her husband who fucked up??

WIBU to message her? AIBU to be mad? Or is it just nothing to do with her as she said last night.

My ex said afterwards she was tired lol.

OP posts:
Liorae · 19/10/2022 16:08

bigmol · 19/10/2022 13:28

@Liorae and that warrants therapy, how? She made the plans with the dc father. Who fucked up by forgetting. How in any way is that the op's fault? Utterly bonkers.

It's a very sad world we live in these days.

Because OP is the one who caused the door step scene, and I suspect she has form for that sort of thing.

Obki · 19/10/2022 16:13

Blossomtoes · 19/10/2022 16:03

Wouldn’t you like to hear her side?

You kind of have. Plenty of us who are stepmums have said we don’t condone her behaviour and wouldn’t do it.

And plenty of stepmums and non- stepmums agree with the step-mum (70% in fact).

You are not this step-mum, Blossom.

sandytooth · 19/10/2022 16:13

weRone · 19/10/2022 10:41

Sorry, don't want stepchildren? Don't get involved with someone who has kids!

If she married your ex, then one of her goals (even unconsciously) was to become a stepmom, so she needs to step up!

I don't get how stepmoms are being excused from their duties on here. Sure, your ex is likely the source encouraging this, so I'd have a word with him too, but what lowlife refuses a 7 & 9 year old kids from their doorstep?

It's not her duty.

bigmol · 19/10/2022 16:14

@Liorae made a doorstep scene how? There was nobody to make a scene with as she didn't answer! Your replies are very strange, you clearly have an agenda against the op who has done nothing other than turn up with her dc as per the plans.

Lots of assumptions on this thread tbh. We are all assuming the stepmother deliberately ignored them which might not be the case. As others have said, she might have been on the loo or seeing to her own dc and not heard. If she did deliberately ignore them though it's pathetic and embarrassing.

sandytooth · 19/10/2022 16:15

tiredofthiisshit21 · 19/10/2022 16:07

If anyone wants cheering up after this shitshow of stepmum abuse, come over to the Step Parenting board and read my thread.

Thank-you

whiteroseredrose · 19/10/2022 16:22

Why didn't the OP's partner look after her DC on 'her' night?

Untitledsquatboulder · 19/10/2022 17:02

@whiteroseredrose because their father said he would do it.

Liorae · 19/10/2022 17:07

Untitledsquatboulder · 19/10/2022 17:02

@whiteroseredrose because their father said he would do it.

Because the OP thinks her ex's wife is her default unpaid unthanked childcare when her ex messes up.

whiteroseredrose · 19/10/2022 17:53

But when the father wasn't available, there were two options, the parents' partners.

Why is father's partner expected to drop everything but mother's partner isn't.

Onlyforcake · 19/10/2022 17:59

If you organise overtime obviously your ex isn't reliable enough.

You need decent childcare not leaning on someone who lacks capacity. Blaming her for having an ex who needs reminding of his decisions is barking up the wrong tree. He's substandard poor kids.

Obki · 19/10/2022 18:01

whiteroseredrose · 19/10/2022 17:53

But when the father wasn't available, there were two options, the parents' partners.

Why is father's partner expected to drop everything but mother's partner isn't.

Because everything men do is more important. If he has a job, it is more important than step-mum's job. If he went to the pub, that is more important than step-mum relaxing after a tiring day.

Sandra1984 · 19/10/2022 20:15

Obki · 19/10/2022 14:40

It’s extremely telling that you’re not interested in the step-mum’s point of view at all.

Wouldn’t you like to hear her side?

Show quote history

No thanks, I don’t want to hear from her. I’m more interested (and concerned) about the kids because they are the most innocent victims in this story. She can go and do one as far as I’m concerned.

Dollyparton3 · 19/10/2022 20:16

whiteroseredrose · 19/10/2022 17:53

But when the father wasn't available, there were two options, the parents' partners.

Why is father's partner expected to drop everything but mother's partner isn't.

Exactly! And to the posters commenting about the stepmum's "duties as a stepmum". Really?

I'm pretty sure when it comes to stepdads they can become a hero overnight for a lift here and there or just taking a flicker of interest. It's not 1947, women have the same roles and responsibilities now so should be treated in the same bonus parent way as the men are. To call out the stepmum on this thread when the resident parent's partner hasn't been called into question is a bit housemaids tale.

Mumtobabyhavoc · 19/10/2022 20:20

@Sandra1984 "No thanks..."

😂😂😂😂😂

aSofaNearYou · 19/10/2022 20:22

No thanks, I don’t want to hear from her. I’m more interested (and concerned) about the kids because they are the most innocent victims in this story. She can go and do one as far as I’m concerned.

And that is why you are incapable of actually maturely considering the nuances of the situation.

Obki · 19/10/2022 20:31

@Sandra1984

No thanks, I don’t want to hear from her. I’m more interested (and concerned) about the kids because they are the most innocent victims in this story. She can go and do one as far as I’m concerned.

Thanks for admitting you can't be impartial or objective. At least you're honest.

SudocremOnEverything · 19/10/2022 21:09

Is it interesting how all this seeming concern for the children is actually an absence of empathy for (indeed no care at all for) the stepmother. What a shocker!

Who cares what was happening in her life on Sunday? Their mother wanted childcare so the children must be presented as abandoned waifs whose Cinderella stepfamily life will cause untold damage.

Meanwhile, in the real world, they’re just children whose mother just had to look after them herself, because she had no one to leave them with. I mean they do have a father who forgets he’s made a childcare commitment, but the person who didn’t get what they wanted here was the OP. The children’s first preference would likely have been an evening at home with mum. 🤷🏻‍♀️

ChubbyMorticia · 19/10/2022 21:24

My understanding is, OP and her ex had a childcare arrangement. Ex not only forgot, but at no time did he talk to his current spouse about it.

Yet the SM is being blamed for everything. Arrangements nobody asked her about participating in, ever, until children were on the doorstep, without her ever having been asked for her consent to provide childcare or be involved at all.

Nope.

People say they’d do it for a neighbour, but the part they overlook is that the neighbour would ASK, not just bang on the door and demand childcare to be provided, without even a moment of, “I’m so sorry, but could you…?”

SM wasn’t responsible for any of it. Why is she the bad guy for not dropping to run and clean up her husband’s mistake? Neither parent ever asked her consent, she was shown zero respect, yet she should step to?

Kids ought to come first, yes. But why is SM being expected to prioritize the children more than their own father? How is that remotely reasonable?

BadNomad · 19/10/2022 21:35

I wonder if he even bothered to discuss with her about working on Sunday night, or if he just decided to do, leaving her to look after their own child by herself whether she wanted to or not.

Liorae · 19/10/2022 21:45

BadNomad · 19/10/2022 21:35

I wonder if he even bothered to discuss with her about working on Sunday night, or if he just decided to do, leaving her to look after their own child by herself whether she wanted to or not.

I suspect that, like the OP, he just assumed his wife would have no choice but to mind his kids when they landed unannounced on her door step.

Kaiteecruz · 21/10/2022 18:06

why didn't you remind him by the way? It was a favour. It would have been prudent to confirm since you were in need. did you speak to the Stepmom about this visit since apparently you feel she should be obligated to open the door for your kids. If not why? Is it probably because you felt that you didn't need to talk to her just your ex? In the same thread leave her out of this and deal with the real problem. You are more at fault than your ex by the way

Tgb78 · 21/10/2022 18:57

Personally, I don't think you are. She sounds like a person who will make the children feel unwelcome, your ex did wrong but he should leave her if she's going to treat the children as you have described.

Pixiedust1234 · 21/10/2022 21:18

Tgb78 · 21/10/2022 18:57

Personally, I don't think you are. She sounds like a person who will make the children feel unwelcome, your ex did wrong but he should leave her if she's going to treat the children as you have described.

😂😂

Maybe the ex should leave himself since he's the one who didn't remember he was looking after his own children. Thats the worse treatment those kids endured. Being forgotten about as though they dont exist 🤔

usernamealreadytaken · 21/10/2022 22:22

PinkyandtheBrainBrainBrainBrainBrain · 17/10/2022 21:01

There really is something about divorce and separation that unlocks the selfish gene within people isn’t there. Parents stop putting their kids first. Inflicting step parents on them. Step mum’s rights and feelings trump all, doesn’t matter how her tantrum makes the kids feel, as long as she is not put out, because she’s “tired”.

Why is SM being tired any less of a reason to not look after DC than OP having to work? Three adults had plans for the evening and only one was expected to drop their plans at short notice.

SudocremOnEverything · 21/10/2022 23:15

You are more at fault than your ex by the way

I don’t think this is true.

He told her he’d have the kids. So she made plans. It wasn’t up to her to ‘remind him’ - she’d made the arrangement; he needed to hold up his end.

He pulled that nasty trick of trying to blame the OP for him forgetting and letting her and the kids down.

The OP is in the wrong for his she’s treated his wife and blamed her for not fixing her husband’s mess. But let’s no make the same misogynistic error the other way and blame the OP for her ex’s screw up.