am I being unreasonable to think she's an absolute ****

[ooominn]

This happened yesterday but I'm still so angry about it.

I asked my ex about a week ago if he was alright with me going to work Sunday night as overtime (not usually his night with the kids but he said it was fine). We don't speak much unless about the kids (7&9) so hadn't really said anything else about it.

Came to drop them off on the way last night and he wasn't in. Tried ringing he wasn't answering then got some rushed reply saying he was at work and he'd forgotten and that I should have reminded him.

His wife's car was on the drive and the lights were on so tried knocking and ringing her, firstly she pretended to not hear the door or miraculously any of our calls and then when I finally got hold of her she said ex hadn't mentioned anything and refused to have them.

I had to go home in the end and cancel my shift at short notice fucking over my boss and colleagues.

I'm so annoyed though and want to message her asking what kind of step mother would refuse to let her stepkids in when they were on the door step. My ex is a POS too in this situation I know but seriously why wouldn't you just agree to let them in for the night considering it was her husband who fucked up??

WIBU to message her? AIBU to be mad? Or is it just nothing to do with her as she said last night.

My ex said afterwards she was tired lol.

I won't comment on the father because I'm not certain I'll say what I wish in an appropriate way, forgetting your own children and then blaming your ex is another level of neglect, however a step that does this should find someone without kids when you marry someone either kids you should help take care of them.

Folks are crazy...was stepmom legally wrong...no...but she was morally. She married a man with children...and choosing to marry him, also obligated her to share in his children's life's. I had step parents...my grandkids were teens before they figured out which grandmother was my biological mom and which was my stepmother. Dad was wrong...but I would never stay with a spouse that did not value my children or see my children's best interest as a priority. Not to mention the harm that was done to stepmoms own child, if she witnessed this callous treatment of her siblings. Wonder how she would have felt if it was her child. You don't want to share in the responsibility of your spouse's children...don't marry someone with children.

Lol, no she wasn’t. ‘Obliged to share in the children’s lives’ means being kind to them when they’re visiting their father. It doesn’t mean having to act as a mother, or being on hand to provide childcare. Some stepmothers may choose to do that and that’s up to them, doesn’t mean every stepmother has to. Their father, and indeed their mother, knew he was marrying a woman that isn’t the mother of his children. If it was a nanny they required they should have hired one.

no one asked the stepmother if she could babysit, OP just knocked on her door and expected her to do it. Sucks for OP, but it’s not the stepmother’s problem.

But this post isn't about the 'children's best interests' - it's about OPs interests.

The moment OP rang her ex and realised he'd screwed up she should've taken her kids back home. Because she knew she had no childcare for them at that point. She should've rang work, explained that her ex let her down and that she couldn't come in. She should have put her children first.

Instead OPs overtime took priority over her kids needs. So what did she do, she harassed another woman, banging on the door and ringing until she answered. And why, because she felt entitled to demand that the woman married to her ex babysit her kids.

And because step-mum didn't jump to attention OP is now on MN calling step-mum a c*nt. What a gem.

YANBU
They're his kids and she should have helped you out.
Disgusting behaviour.

The moment OP rang her ex and realised he'd screwed up she should've taken her kids back home. Because she knew she had no childcare for them at that point. She should've rang work, explained that her ex let her down and that she couldn't come in. She should have put her children first.

Instead OPs overtime took priority over her kids needs. So what did she do, she harassed another woman, banging on the door and ringing until she answered. And why, because she felt entitled to demand that the woman married to her ex babysit her kids.

Absolutely correct. The OP was cross with her ex and decided to take it out on the step mum.

They're his kids and she should have helped you out.

I mean this sentence doesn't really make sense, does it.

They’re also OP’s kids. If dad’s not available, it falls to OP, not the stepmother.

There’s no ‘she should’ about it, she’s not the one on the hook.

... she said her partner. As in current partner, not ex. So those wouldn't be his kids... Lmao

Aren't they tho....? I feel like in any other situation, the majority of moms here would say that once you marry someone with kids, you're marrying into those kids' lives as well, and they become yours...

But suddenly in this post, everyone says "those aren't her kids!". I would agree if she was a girlfriend, but she's a wife. She may no legally be obligated but goddamn.... Y'all are heartless.

Step parents have no automatic parental responsibility legally speaking, no rights to make medical decisions etc. So in what way do children “become yours” upon marrying someone who already has children?

They don’t, though. Parental responsibility is not conferred through marriage, and a woman that marries a man with children is quite free to determine the level of involvement she’s willing to have. If the father isn’t happy with what she’s willing to give, then he in turn is free to not marry her.

girlfriend or wife, she’s not responsible for OP and her ex’s children. That’s entirely on them.

The children in this scenario were literally in the care of their mother (whose kids they most certainly are).

In this situation it’s absolutely relevant that these are not the stepmother’s kids.

Honestly! The SM did nothing wrong. The children weren't left outside shivering in the cold. There was no 'get thee from my doorway' scene played out in front fo them. The SM simply didn't answer the phone or the door. As was her right. As is the right of anyone at any time. Are we saying that people are required to answer the door anytime there is a child present outside so we don't 'damage' them? OK, that's being hyperbolic, but you get my point.

If the OP decided to pitch a hissy or complain about the SM in front of the children (not saying she did) then she would be the one to blame for any 'damage' to them. If she just calmly walked away saying "Oh I guess XXX didn't know we were coming" the children would have been unaffected.

We often hear on MN "you teach people how to treat you". The SM was teaching her DH (and by extent the OP) that they cannot simply assume that she'll step in and fix their (well, mostly DH's) fuckups. That may not have been her specific intention, but I'll be willing to bet this never happens again!

I made a specific decision in my younger years never to date or marry a man with children and this thread is a perfect example of why. A (male or female) stepparent's level of involvement is entirely up to them, from zero involvement to total involvement. Oh, excuse me, I guess I should say 'to the level of involvement of the children's resident parent based on their whims at the time' 🙄.

Nope. Sorry. Not the wife's problem.
She is their step-mum. She has no parental responsibility and providing free childcare doesn't fall into her remit.

Your children are yours and exs responsibility. Not hers. Its up to you to sort it out.

Be mad at your ex. But his wife did nothing wrong by saying no.

This thread has turned into a bit of a witch hunt

OP doesn't say she behaved unreasonably nor madly in the door step knocking and waiting as her exDP Childs father has said he would have DCs . OP details how she deal with it reassuring DCs who knew they were going to Dad's that evening.

OP has a right to be surprised he not only failed to have DCs as per agreed contact but it also seems he didn't tell his new wife SM. Or he did and SM decided not to answer door instead of doing so and saying but their Dad has tried to dump me in it

It is strange if there has been no animosity before between SM and OP especially if it was just an hour or so until their Dad returned. As OP said her DP (not DCs dad) would do so and then rightly tell his partner off for being unreliable.

Either way it wasn't great and I can understand why she is annoyed with SM. As others rightly pointed out though SM has no legal responsibility here to have DCs if their dad is absent.

Doesn't mean that OP now also has a right to be less flexible when she is asked to change / cover for times SM and Dad want a favour next time. It's karma

Why the fuck is this still going? 816 posts of people disagreeing with each other? Seriously?

I think some PPs are unable
to see it was not a good situation on both sides

OP said she and SM usually get on well, so it's a shame that all of the adults couldn't cant work together on this one. Or at least talk about it afterwards do it doesn't happen again.

Both SM and OP should be angry at the ExDP (Dad) who put both of them in this position.

I think it is the SM's business as that's her home too and these are her DSC, so I hope she read her partner (the Dad) the riot act!

I'm wondering why you didn't remind him. If I'm going to leave my children with anyone, I always text/call the day or 2 before to ensure we are still good to go.

You asked him for the favor. It was your responsibility to make sure to be on the same page.

You have no idea what step-mom could have been doing when you arrived. She could have had a prior engagement, and even if she didn't, it's her choice and her boundary.

It really seems to me that you're playing the victim in a situation of your own making.

Does it suck that dad forgot? Absolutely. However, you already told us he's a piece of poop.

Why would you expect him to be anything other than what he is? He isn't a responsible human, why would you expect him to simply remember without any kind of reminder?

You are in a mess of your own making and the other parties deserve an apology.

ffs do you hear yourself. A father shouldnt need reminding he has children. He shouldnt need reminding he said he would have the children overnight. The mother isnt at fault for assuming the father who said he would have his children will still have his children.

youve gone to great lengths here to make this father’s shitty behaviour anyone but his fault.

You’re ridiculous.

The anyone is their father.