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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask my partner for a vasectomy

457 replies

Foreveranxious22 · 17/10/2022 06:28

Ok so this is something that keeps coming up with me and my partner and I would like some impartial advice if you have any please.
My and DP have been together 10+ years, 2DC. Not an easy time getting here as I have had multiple miscarriages so I know I’m done having children.
I am super sensitive to contraceptives, I’ve already been on two after having my DD 6 months ago. I get very moody, have whiplash mood swings and sometimes I’m bordering on depressed. I was like this after my first daughter too so I know it’s related to the pill.

Last month we had a pregnancy scare as I had come of my previous pill as I wasn’t myself. This scared us so I agreed I’d try another pill and after advice from my GP I’m currently on rigevidon but same old story as previous contraception. I have mentioned a vasectomy to my DP before but he’s said no as he’s very very squeamish. I made a deal with him when I went on rigevidon that I’d continue taking it so long as he got booked in with the GP for a vasectomy as it can take 52 weeks in our area on the NHS. He’s not even rang the docs and has now changed his tune saying he won’t get one. Am I in the wrong to be upset about this? He knows how bad the pill affects me and I’ve sent him loads of research on the snip from mens POV and they’re a no horror stories. AIBU? Any advice for either of us?

OP posts:
ChiefPearlClutcher · 17/10/2022 06:37

YANBU
I would refuse sex completely till it’s done. And I believe it can take up to a year to be ‘in the clear’ so he had best get his skates on!

ChaosMoon · 17/10/2022 06:39

He needs to get it done. I've got 3 friends who've had it done in the last year and they've all been fine.

Squeamish. Ffs.

AriettyHomily · 17/10/2022 06:40

'D'h is the same. We haven't had sex for well over a year now.

TuxedoJunction · 17/10/2022 06:41

Can I ask how old you both are Op?

BananaSplitX · 17/10/2022 06:42

Why not use condoms??? I am in my late 40s and I have never been on the pill. My husband is happy using condoms. If he wasn’t, he wouldn’t be my husband. I have never been in favour of putting unnecessary hormones in my body. I know it works for some, but not for me. My body, my choice.

InsertPunHere · 17/10/2022 06:44

Yanbu! After what your body has been through he can get over his damned squeamishness - or not have sec.

AloysiusBear · 17/10/2022 06:44

What about a copper coil OP?

No hormones, no babies :) doctors are quiet about it (they were paid to push hormonal versions) but its a great solution and it costs the NHS pence.

AloysiusBear · 17/10/2022 06:46

Ps I'm in exactly the same boat. We use condoms atm, waiting for appointment to get a copper coil.

I think you can't force another person to make themselves infertile. It's a big, big ask.

Keroppi · 17/10/2022 06:47

Use condoms and completely come off hormones. It's not healthy or fair for you to shoulder the burden yourself for so many years and the effects are very real

You don't need to agree or even discuss with your husband about what pill, if any, to be on if he doesn't want to discuss other options

Keroppi · 17/10/2022 06:50

Copper coils are great but my last baby was a coil baby (well, it fell out after 2years and I didn't know - side effects are heavier periods with more clotting)
Some women have extreme pain upon insertion and removal (especially if you have a tilted cervix), cramping post insertion
So if you get a coil then I recommend keeping the strings long so you can self check every so often

Oysterbabe · 17/10/2022 06:51

My DH is the same. He wants it done but is scared. I'm done with pills and coils and things so it's condoms unless he does it. Every time he complains about it, he hates them, I tell him to get a vasectomy.

passport123 · 17/10/2022 06:53

AloysiusBear · 17/10/2022 06:44

What about a copper coil OP?

No hormones, no babies :) doctors are quiet about it (they were paid to push hormonal versions) but its a great solution and it costs the NHS pence.

What nonsense. We're not paid to push the hormonal version. I fit loads of copper coils. As long as the woman is happy to accept the risk of much heavier and longer periods, which are a common side effect

ZooMount · 17/10/2022 06:55

My dh is the same, but his reason is that he's worried about side effects. We used condoms and I am now expecting baby no 4. It's actually the second time I got pregnant after being 'done' but had a mc. I'm very fertile and I worry about what will happen after this baby is born, I've still got fertile years left and I don't want to be accidentally getting pregnant in my early 40s or something. There's no type of contraception that agrees with me or that I'm happy with. I want to know I'm not getting pregnant ever again so I'm going to look into sterilisation but I don't even know if that's available.

focuspocus · 17/10/2022 06:57

I've been through nothing compared to you but after laying it out with my husband he agreed to have the snip. First pregnancy was emergency c section, second ectopic rupture and laparotomy and third heavily assisted. Pill also makes me ill. Condoms do not provide enough security for me. Got pregnant using one. My mum had a horrible miscarriage with the coil. I know all the above is normal for a lot of women and nothing for some but I did say it was his turn to do something uncomfortable given the above. I didn't go on about it. He had it last year and no problems. It's his body and his choice but also your body your choice. If you are scared of getting pregnant again you can abstain as the other methods don't suit.

girlmom21 · 17/10/2022 06:59

Ask him why he'd rather you go through multiple miscarriages than him go through one uncomfortable week.

AloysiusBear · 17/10/2022 07:00

Passport123
Are you a recently qualified GP?

Its a widely publicised scheme which started in 2009, GPs were given money to promote the use of long acting contraception (IUDs, injection etc). Its not a secret! The four GP practises I attended always pushed me to try a hormonal IUD, never a copper coil.

If you have a google you can read about the scheme in medical journals. Its been suggested it reduced abortion rates. It may be i was unlucky that my GPs were cagey about copper IUDs, others may have been more balanced in what they promoted.

EmeraldShamrock1 · 17/10/2022 07:00

Yanbu. Fair is fair.

PuttingDownRoots · 17/10/2022 07:01

Ask him to sit down with you and a pros and cons list for ccndoms, pill, coil, abstinence, vasectomy etc. Look at it logically together.

DH chose vasectomy as we didn't want more kids, hormonal was out because of my medical problems and he was sick of condoms (which had failed once and I got pregnant and need MAP on another). It helped his Dad had always told his sons it was the best contraception!

Original poster
Foreveranxious22 · 17/10/2022 07:03

Thank you all for the advice!
We were using condoms when we had the scare as we had one very very stupid slip up (I know 🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️) and I really don’t want to take that risk again.
@AloysiusBear yes exactly! This is why I wanted some advice as I know I’m asking a lot from him but I also feel like he has lied about even having the intention of ringing to gp

OP posts:
Iheartmykyndle · 17/10/2022 07:04

Oh bless the poor squeamish men. Imagine being a woman!

I couldn't find a contraception that worked for me so when faced with possibly ten years of no intercourse or condom's, DH booked himself in. He was back at work the next day after his op.

AnnapurnaSanctuary · 17/10/2022 07:05

How about condoms OP? Zero side effects, and effective if used correctly. If you still feel nervous about getting pregnant, you can combine with tracking your cycles and abstain during your most fertile period.

Whatever you decide, you must come off the pill. It's completely unreasonable to continue as you are.

Original poster
Foreveranxious22 · 17/10/2022 07:06

Also about the coil/implant. I haven’t ever been on any of them as I worried that I’d have bad mental side effects and then have to fight gp to get them back out as I’d heard horror stories about things like that. Any advice on these would be great too! Anyone had these would have had bad mental health side affects on the different pill but been fine on coil/implant?

OP posts:
User0610134057 · 17/10/2022 07:06

I think you can ask and you can tell him how much it means to you, but in the end it has to be his decision. My DH was similar and tbh it really made me think less of him: he did it in the end which I was actually quite surprised about. But there is an element of risk like all these things and although I was very keen I stressed it was his choice as hated the thought if it went wrong and there was an issue that he would blame me.

but I’m totally with you and if my DH hadn’t done it it would really have affected how I felt about him: (as it is we a separating anyway 4 yrs later but that’s another story)

T0rt0ise · 17/10/2022 07:06

You bring in the pill is clearly not an option so stop taking it. Options are then as follows (as you also don't trust condoms)

  • no sex
  • he gets a vasectomy
  • you get your tubes tied
Lay the options out with him and stick to the no sex part until you've come to a conclusion.
AnnapurnaSanctuary · 17/10/2022 07:06

Ok cross post, but if you had a stupid slip up (ie forgot to use them?) then it shouldn't put you off completely.