Page 6 | To ask my partner for a vasectomy

Foreveranxious22 · 2022-10-17T05:28:55+00:00

Ok so this is something that keeps coming up with me and my partner and I would like some impartial advice if you have any please. My and DP have been together 10+ years, 2DC. Not an easy time getting here as I have had multiple miscarriages so I know I’m done having children. I am super sensitive to contraceptives, I’ve already been on two after having my DD 6 months ago. I get very moody, have whiplash mood swings and sometimes I’m bordering on depressed. I was like this after my first daughter too so I know it’s related to the pill. Last month we had a pregnancy scare as I had come of my previous pill as I wasn’t myself. This scared us so I agreed I’d try another pill and after advice from my GP I’m currently on rigevidon but same old story as previous contraception. I have mentioned a vasectomy to my DP before but he’s said no as he’s very very squeamish. I made a deal with him when I went on rigevidon that I’d continue taking it so long as he got booked in with the GP for a vasectomy as it can take 52 weeks in our area on the NHS. He’s not even rang the docs and has now changed his tune saying he won’t get one. Am I in the wrong to be upset about this? He knows how bad the pill affects me and I’ve sent him loads of research on the snip from mens POV and they’re a no horror stories. AIBU? Any advice for either of us?

CatsandFish · 17/10/2022 08:43

Oh poor little boy! Hes squeamish?!?? He's squeamish! Wow! He doesn't give a stuff about YOU though, having to go through childbirth, does he? What a selfish pig he is! I would definitely say No Snip - No Sex. And that is not 'abuse'. It's about respecting your boundaries and your health. You've done your bit. You've used chemical contraception for years, you've carried and birthed his children. Time for the selfish pig to grow up and step up to the plate. I wouldn't want to have sex with such a selfish ahole in the first place but I would definitely tell him it's his turn to take 100% responsibility for contraception and that means not getting you pregnant at all, so that means the snip. You shouldn't have to face an intrusive (and squeamish) abortion because he is too lazy and selfish and chooses to allow you to take all the risks.

OurChristmasMiracle · 17/10/2022 08:49

I’d be telling him that’s fine. No vasectomy but also no sex at all until I manage to get my tubes tied and he will need to take time off work to look after the kids as I will be unable to.

doesn’t sound appealing…. Well no it doesn’t but at least then I would know I won’t be getting pregnant again and he will have to step up in some form and can’t do the whole “my body my choice”. Yep also my body my choice mate and these are YOUR kids too.

caroleanboneparte · 17/10/2022 08:50

Why avoid the condom question?

Can you still get diaphragms?

At least with condoms he gets a reminder of the issue every time you have sex!

CatsandFish · 17/10/2022 08:51

OurChristmasMiracle · 17/10/2022 08:49

I’d be telling him that’s fine. No vasectomy but also no sex at all until I manage to get my tubes tied and he will need to take time off work to look after the kids as I will be unable to.

doesn’t sound appealing…. Well no it doesn’t but at least then I would know I won’t be getting pregnant again and he will have to step up in some form and can’t do the whole “my body my choice”. Yep also my body my choice mate and these are YOUR kids too.

Nope, no need for her to have her tubes tied and he gets off scott free. Stuff that. She has undergone more than enough. And he sounds so selfish he'd take her up on her offer if it meant he didn't have to do anything.

It's quite simple. No Snip? No Sex. If he doesn't like it, he can leave her.

C8H10N4O2 · 17/10/2022 08:57

YellowTreeHouse · 17/10/2022 07:46

I haven’t read any other replies but I’m going to assume by this you don’t think it’s possible for two people to have the same opinion if it differs from yours.

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This is certainly true mate, but plenty of posters know your frequently shared opinions on women only too well.

MrsMoastyToasty · 17/10/2022 08:57

DH had his done after I had DS. He had to wear pants day and night for a week but he said it wasn't that painful and was done as a day surgery case.

He already had scar tissue on his testicle from a previous surgery after suffering from a torsion during his teens. He said the torsion surgery was the painful one (and required staying in hospital).

InsertPunHere · 17/10/2022 09:16

No snip? No PIV sex. Easy peasy. There are plenty of other ways to enjoy sex.

Any man who won’t get a vasectomy when his partner has been through what OP has been through is a coward.

CatsandFish · 17/10/2022 09:16

AloysiusBear · 17/10/2022 06:46

Ps I'm in exactly the same boat. We use condoms atm, waiting for appointment to get a copper coil.

I think you can't force another person to make themselves infertile. It's a big, big ask.

@AloysiusBear So you have to have a foreign object inserted in your uterus because your partner won't step up to the plate. That's sad. Also, a Vasectomy doesn't make you 'infertile'. You still produce sperm. It is just re-routed and absorbed in the body.

KimberleyClark · 17/10/2022 09:19

CatsandFish · 17/10/2022 09:16

@AloysiusBear So you have to have a foreign object inserted in your uterus because your partner won't step up to the plate. That's sad. Also, a Vasectomy doesn't make you 'infertile'. You still produce sperm. It is just re-routed and absorbed in the body.

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It makes you unable to have children.

CatsandFish · 17/10/2022 09:21

ZooMount · 17/10/2022 06:55

My dh is the same, but his reason is that he's worried about side effects. We used condoms and I am now expecting baby no 4. It's actually the second time I got pregnant after being 'done' but had a mc. I'm very fertile and I worry about what will happen after this baby is born, I've still got fertile years left and I don't want to be accidentally getting pregnant in my early 40s or something. There's no type of contraception that agrees with me or that I'm happy with. I want to know I'm not getting pregnant ever again so I'm going to look into sterilisation but I don't even know if that's available.

@ZooMount He doesn't give a stuff about the 'side effects' of pregnancy and childbirth though, both which can cause permanent illness and death.

Why do women stay with these lazy selfish pigs?

CatsandFish · 17/10/2022 09:22

KimberleyClark · 17/10/2022 09:19

It makes you unable to have children.

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It can be undone. In fact, it doesn't even need to be reversed these days, a doctor can use a needle and withdraw sperm direct if you want to have children.

But then again you wouldn't have a vasectomy unless you were sure you didn't want any more children, so it's a moot point.

StupidSmallFruit · 17/10/2022 09:23

Any man who won’t get a vasectomy when his partner has been through what OP has been through is a coward.

Yes, indeed. And the women tethered to such cowards are - understandably - very defensive about it.

Once again - this is not about forcing squeamish, cowardly men to something against their will. It’s not about frog-marching them into a clinic, kicking and screaming.

It’s about pointing out the difference between good, decent men - who recognise it’s their turn, and who, OK, might be a bit nervous, but want to do it - and sub-standard specimens who simply opt out, and leave it all to the women.

It’s very much OK to have an extremely low opinion of the latter men.

KimberleyClark · 17/10/2022 09:31

CatsandFish · 17/10/2022 09:22

It can be undone. In fact, it doesn't even need to be reversed these days, a doctor can use a needle and withdraw sperm direct if you want to have children.

But then again you wouldn't have a vasectomy unless you were sure you didn't want any more children, so it's a moot point.

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It can’t always be successfully undone. And there are people on this thread whose DPs have had reversals so must have thought at one point they didn’t want children. So it is most definitely not a moot point. And sperm aspiration is only done as part of IVF/ICSI. You can’t just go and have some sperm aspirated if you want to have another child. And it doesn’t guarantee you’ll have a child.

lawandgin · 17/10/2022 09:33

OP has clearly been through a lot. However no one should be forcing anyone to undergo sterilisation. There could well be unfortunate circumstances where you are no longer together and he wants to have more children with someone else. Speaking from direct experience, it is not as simple as "sucking the sperm" out of the testicles as pp suggests. Not enough sperm is recovered this way to do iui, so the only way it can be used is in ivf, specifically icsi. Therefore the husband's new partner would need to go through ivf (hint: ivf includes a lot if hormones and invasive procedures).

DHs ex wife didn't want children. He had a vasectomy. She then left him for someone else...

CatsandFish · 17/10/2022 09:34

hotteaandcrumpets · 17/10/2022 07:11

I work I ultrasound and we scan a lot of men who have had vasectomies with long term issues. So I'd never pressure a man to have one. He does have autonomy over his body as well.

Have you not considered getting your tubes tied? Or a hysterectomy? Has your doctor not explored other forms of contraception, other than hormonal?

@hotteaandcrumpets Long term issues are extremely, extremely rare. There are more long term issues with tubes tied and hysterectomies. Speaking of, why the bloody hell should she have to go through with having her tubes tied or something so involved as a hysterectomy? Are you serious? How sexist, given how much the OP has already gone through, when having a Vasectomy is the safest and quickest form. Stop putting this all on the woman, it's his time to step up.

Kabalagala · 17/10/2022 09:35

lawandgin · 17/10/2022 09:33

OP has clearly been through a lot. However no one should be forcing anyone to undergo sterilisation. There could well be unfortunate circumstances where you are no longer together and he wants to have more children with someone else. Speaking from direct experience, it is not as simple as "sucking the sperm" out of the testicles as pp suggests. Not enough sperm is recovered this way to do iui, so the only way it can be used is in ivf, specifically icsi. Therefore the husband's new partner would need to go through ivf (hint: ivf includes a lot if hormones and invasive procedures).

DHs ex wife didn't want children. He had a vasectomy. She then left him for someone else...

Why on earth should she have to continue to pump synthetic hormones into her body, or undergo invasive surgery on the off chance that some hypothetical new wife wants kids. Absurd.
If that was a consideration for my husband, I wouldn't be married to him.

KimberleyClark · 17/10/2022 09:36

DHs ex wife didn't want children. He had a vasectomy. She then left him for someone else...

Did she demand her had a vasectomy too I wonder.

lawandgin · 17/10/2022 09:37

@Kabalagala not saying she should. There are other choices. Ultimately if she wants to carry on having sex with him (and vice versa) they are going to have to reach a mutually suitable agreement, which clearly, vasectomy isn't.

StupidSmallFruit · 17/10/2022 09:38

Shocking concept that it obviously is to women tethered to sub-standard men, but in loving, mutually satisfying relationships, women don’t need to ‘demand’ their man have a vasectomy.

The men are happy to do it, and in many cases, even suggest it themselves.

woff45 · 17/10/2022 09:38

The reason I asked unthread as to the age of the Op and her partner is if under 40, I’m not sure I’d entertain either being sterilised. You just don’t know what the future holds. Worst case scenario op or her husband suddenly pass away and husband/wife meets someone else and wants to start another family. These things do happen.

DH and I had this discussion; it's an important one to have with permanent solutions. And neither of us want any more children, we have children and the idea of blended families, half siblings etc does not appeal at all. We don't want "another" family because whatever happens to either of us does not mean our current children cease to exist. DH and I are both quite adamant neither of us want more children, with each other or in any change of situation, we had our kids quite young and the thought of restarting is untenable!

Kabalagala · 17/10/2022 09:40

lawandgin · 17/10/2022 09:37

@Kabalagala not saying she should. There are other choices. Ultimately if she wants to carry on having sex with him (and vice versa) they are going to have to reach a mutually suitable agreement, which clearly, vasectomy isn't.

Regardless, his hypothetical future partner shouldn't be of any relevance. It's a decision that should be made for the two of them alone. If that's an excuse he's using then what kind of relationship is that

StupidSmallFruit · 17/10/2022 09:41

woff45 · 17/10/2022 09:38

The reason I asked unthread as to the age of the Op and her partner is if under 40, I’m not sure I’d entertain either being sterilised. You just don’t know what the future holds. Worst case scenario op or her husband suddenly pass away and husband/wife meets someone else and wants to start another family. These things do happen.

DH and I had this discussion; it's an important one to have with permanent solutions. And neither of us want any more children, we have children and the idea of blended families, half siblings etc does not appeal at all. We don't want "another" family because whatever happens to either of us does not mean our current children cease to exist. DH and I are both quite adamant neither of us want more children, with each other or in any change of situation, we had our kids quite young and the thought of restarting is untenable!

Absolutely.

This is us, as well.

The idea that the OP, or any women, should be prioritising some fictitious future women and her wish for children, over her own health and well-being - is laughable.

CatsandFish · 17/10/2022 09:42

KimberleyClark · 17/10/2022 09:31

It can’t always be successfully undone. And there are people on this thread whose DPs have had reversals so must have thought at one point they didn’t want children. So it is most definitely not a moot point. And sperm aspiration is only done as part of IVF/ICSI. You can’t just go and have some sperm aspirated if you want to have another child. And it doesn’t guarantee you’ll have a child.

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Well that's the risk he takes, isn't it, after having two children already, when his wife has taken far, far greater risks. Time he stood up to the plate and took his share of risk.

Yupbutnobut · 17/10/2022 09:43

BananaSplitX · 17/10/2022 06:42

Why not use condoms??? I am in my late 40s and I have never been on the pill. My husband is happy using condoms. If he wasn’t, he wouldn’t be my husband. I have never been in favour of putting unnecessary hormones in my body. I know it works for some, but not for me. My body, my choice.

Same as us. Just use condoms or refuse sex.

lawandgin · 17/10/2022 09:48

@Kabalagala what if OP were to die, or they were to split up and he wanted more children but couldn't? Why does the woman get bodily autonomy but the man doesn't? Just use condoms FFS, or don't have sex! These are the only two solutions where neither party has to make an unacceptable or permanent solution.