To ask my partner for a vasectomy

[Foreveranxious22]

Ok so this is something that keeps coming up with me and my partner and I would like some impartial advice if you have any please.
My and DP have been together 10+ years, 2DC. Not an easy time getting here as I have had multiple miscarriages so I know I’m done having children.
I am super sensitive to contraceptives, I’ve already been on two after having my DD 6 months ago. I get very moody, have whiplash mood swings and sometimes I’m bordering on depressed. I was like this after my first daughter too so I know it’s related to the pill.

Last month we had a pregnancy scare as I had come of my previous pill as I wasn’t myself. This scared us so I agreed I’d try another pill and after advice from my GP I’m currently on rigevidon but same old story as previous contraception. I have mentioned a vasectomy to my DP before but he’s said no as he’s very very squeamish. I made a deal with him when I went on rigevidon that I’d continue taking it so long as he got booked in with the GP for a vasectomy as it can take 52 weeks in our area on the NHS. He’s not even rang the docs and has now changed his tune saying he won’t get one. Am I in the wrong to be upset about this? He knows how bad the pill affects me and I’ve sent him loads of research on the snip from mens POV and they’re a no horror stories. AIBU? Any advice for either of us?

*being

It is entirely reasonable that you should come off hormonal contraception. I'm very like you in my reactions to it and haven't touched them since I was late 20's for that reason. My dh gets that (who wouldn't, what you describe is horrendous). So we used condoms until we were done with kids and then he had the snip. He was nervous he might suffer residual pain long term as it was hard to find stats on how common that is. But he preferred trying it to keeping on with condoms. It was a doddle, took 5 minutes and he wasn't even sore for a week. He loved getting the all-clear letter. 😁 Everything is great now.
If your dh weighs up what your suffering and that doesn't sway him then wtf.
Condoms or abstinence are the way forward. You don't need to suffer this way and shouldn't.

And agree that tubes tied is the next option to consider. That’s what I was going to do if DH wouldn’t but I would have been very angry and upset with his selfishness if I ended up going through what is a more complex procedure

The pill was just as bad for me as the injection.

I really struggled to respect the men who won't get the snip for their partners after they've given birth. It's generally a sign of selfishness elsewhere.

I work I ultrasound and we scan a lot of men who have had vasectomies with long term issues. So I'd never pressure a man to have one. He does have autonomy over his body as well.

Have you not considered getting your tubes tied? Or a hysterectomy? Has your doctor not explored other forms of contraception, other than hormonal?

You said you’ve used condoms but to have a slip up you weren’t using them properly I assume? Use them properly then neither of you have to do something you don’t want to! Also avoid sex when most fertile!

I have absolutely zero truck with ‘squeamish’ men on this issue. Just no.

Step up.

Women deal with years of menstruation, pregnancy, miscarriage, childbirth, menopause. They carry ALL the load.

There is no excuse for any man not stepping up.

And do not come at me with any mealy-mouthed ‘my body, my choice’ nonsense.

By using that to opt out, you completely remove any choice your partner has. And to then expect to have PIV and ejaculate is beyond mind-boggling.

How any woman could be intimate with such a sub-standard specimen is unfathomable.

And to anyone who wants to disagree with me - bring it on.

Some information about female sterilisation, it’s not such major surgery as it used to be and many women return home the same day.

www.nhs.uk/conditions/contraception/female-sterilisation/

YANBU.
Agree with coming off the pill if it gives you bother.
He needs to sort himself out.

You know what’s even more minor?

Vasectomy.

DH got a vasectomy 6 days after our 2nd child was born.
He said barely any pain and there hasn't been any side effects.
3.5 years since then and no hormones for me and no condoms.
It's so much better.
He had just turned 27 when he got it done, the doctors did question if he was definitely done having children (he just has the 2 we have together) and did ask a few times if it wouldn't just be easier for me to sort out hormonal contraception 🙄
He pushed for it as I'd done the contraception, pregnancies and 2 c sections. And we were 100% sure we didn't want more than the ones we already had.

My hubby got it done, all fine, up and around after 2 days rest. First 3/6 months they recommended another form of contraception till all the count was at 0.
I can't go on the pill, allergic to condoms and the coil didn't agree with me. We had multiple losses and I physically and mentally couldn't do that again.

Amazed at all these men who can look their wife, who has suffered, deeply greatly, more than once, in the eye and say they're too scared to make vasectomy an option. It's much easier than a tube tie!
Yes I know bodily autonomy is theirs, so they are in their rights, but ffs how can they put that alongside what their loved one has/is going through, and not just step up. It's not admirable.

I had this with my ex. Note....ex.

Yanbu. My husband was putting off phoning the gp (not as long as yours because i nagged him!) When it came to the six weeks post baby check up I told him I wasn't going to ask for the pill at that appointment unless he'd already have his appointment in.
That baby is now 8 months old and we've got a couple of weeks until my husband gets the all clear. It will be so worth it. I'd
tell him you're coming off the pill at x date if he's not phoned to make the appointment. I'm very annoyed it only got done because I threatened but at least now it's done.

Dp previously had a vasectomy, he's just had it reversed, the first step in TTC. If you stay together the vasectomy is great for all parties, if you don't. It's an extremely expensive op to undo, painful with a long recovery time.
I would never force my partner to have an op they didn't want.

No decent man needs to be ‘forced’.

Decent men are happy to do it.

The reason I asked unthread as to the age of the Op and her partner is if under 40, I’m not sure I’d entertain either being sterilised. You just don’t know what the future holds. Worst case scenario op or her husband suddenly pass away and husband/wife meets someone else and wants to start another family. These things do happen.

YABU imo.
While I completely understand you not wanting to be on contraceptives, he has every right to not want to go through (even minor) surgery, and lose the ability to have more children in the future if he wants, people do change their minds. In this instance, I'd recommend using condoms 🤷‍♀️

I think you can tell him it’s his responsibility, vasectomy, condoms or abstinence, I don’t think you can tell him it has to be a vasectomy. When I went to the doctors there was a lot of questions about the strength of our marriage, worth thinking about. But what put me off was that about 5% of people get pretty severe long term pain, do you have enough sex to risk that.

Yes, they were paid to promote long acting contraception. This included copper coils. So your earlier comment was incorrect. They were paid to promote both kinds and depo-provera, the injection

Condoms or no sex. Be more careful. Hopefully the scare will be a lesson!

I don't do well on hormones, so my DH got it done after our surprise 3rd. A few days of pain and he's been fine.
It really should be pushed more, so much easier than any option available for women

This is laughable! Don't expect a man to go through a very minor procedure, he has bodily autonomy you know. Instead, let me suggest some procedures that you, a woman who has given birth twice and suffered miscarriages, can go through instead. Classic.

Exactly.

So pathetic.