To ask my partner for a vasectomy

[Foreveranxious22]

Ok so this is something that keeps coming up with me and my partner and I would like some impartial advice if you have any please.
My and DP have been together 10+ years, 2DC. Not an easy time getting here as I have had multiple miscarriages so I know I’m done having children.
I am super sensitive to contraceptives, I’ve already been on two after having my DD 6 months ago. I get very moody, have whiplash mood swings and sometimes I’m bordering on depressed. I was like this after my first daughter too so I know it’s related to the pill.

Last month we had a pregnancy scare as I had come of my previous pill as I wasn’t myself. This scared us so I agreed I’d try another pill and after advice from my GP I’m currently on rigevidon but same old story as previous contraception. I have mentioned a vasectomy to my DP before but he’s said no as he’s very very squeamish. I made a deal with him when I went on rigevidon that I’d continue taking it so long as he got booked in with the GP for a vasectomy as it can take 52 weeks in our area on the NHS. He’s not even rang the docs and has now changed his tune saying he won’t get one. Am I in the wrong to be upset about this? He knows how bad the pill affects me and I’ve sent him loads of research on the snip from mens POV and they’re a no horror stories. AIBU? Any advice for either of us?

The reason I asked unthread as to the age of the Op and her partner is if under 40, I’m not sure I’d entertain either being sterilised. You just don’t know what the future holds. Worst case scenario op or her husband suddenly pass away and husband/wife meets someone else and wants to start another family. These things do happen.

Part of the reason I was happy for my DH to have a vasectomy so young was because I don't want him to have children with other people.
I have half siblings and step parents and it's made life so much harder (step parents more than the half siblings tbh).
And I've seen all the parenting boards of people struggling being step parents, with new children being favoured.
If I tragically died tomorrow, I like to think my DH would put the needs of our current children first. Not be off finding a new wife and concentrating on making more children with her, which in turn would create even more chaos in a horrific time for our actual children.
I like that he's thought about the future for our current children and these 2 are enough for him.

I posted the same question, with a similar backstory, a few years ago and absolutely got my arse handed to me. It's interesting to see the difference in responses.

Thank you for your support

But don’t worry about me - as I said in my first post on this thread - to anyone who wants to disagree with me on this issue, bring it on.

I am crystal clear that men who opt are are the very definition of pathetic.

Withdrawing sex is not a form of abuse. How often do we say on here that a man who's not ready to take the risk of having a child shouldn't be having sex?

Your approach is forcing a woman to do things she doesn't want to do for her own physical and mental health after she's already gone through multiple pregnancies and miscarriages, but sure, let's tell her she's abusing her husband by not wanting to do that again.

I haven’t read any other replies but I’m going to assume by this you don’t think it’s possible for two people to have the same opinion if it differs from yours.

Wasn't a difficult decision for my DH as we had no4 who was premature, didn't ever want to go through all that again. Both of us. He had it done when youngest was 6mo. Huge relief to never have to worry again at our ages (40s).

I struggled with all versions of the pill but feel great on the implant.
You can have the depo injection first as it's the same hormones but only lasts 12 weeks so if you react well you know you'll have a good chance of a good reaction to the implant. I don't get periods with it which is great.
That being said we're on the waiting list for a vasectomy and your dh needs to man up or forgo sex

Mine offered but never made the appointment so when he wanted me to book him in for something else I told him sure but I’d also book that too as a double appointment. He was fine with that for some reason.

went in for his referral as he presumably answered all the questions right and 2 months later he was snipped. Had it done 30minutes later we went shopping and he was at work the next day.

so it our case he was just soo scaredy cat to make that first appointment.

@girlmom21 Right ok. So if a husband said to his wife he wouldn’t fuck her until she dyed her hair/got a boob job/quit her job/had an abortion that would be okay would it?

No, it wouldn’t.

Sex is an integral part of any relationship. If you’re going to refuse to engage in it then you need to split up.

So I suppose OP’s options are get the procedure herself, use another form of contraception, or split up.

Obviously no one should be forced to have surgery they do not want. However your husband is selfish. Vasectomy is a minor operation, done quickly with a local anaesthetic, as a walk/walk out case it’s that comfortable.
I’m sure there would be the option to have a general anaesthetic, or sedation as He’s nervous.
My husband walked in and walked out while I waited in the car for him.
OP please show him this thread and refuse sex until he is on board with the idea.
hormonal contraceptives are not something you should have to take for the rest of your young life, if they are making you miserable.

Dp had the procedure done for his family and ex-wife. Did she appreciate the act? No. I agree, according to him the vasectomy was non-inavsive.
We've just paid to have it reversed at a cost of over £20000 inc loss of earnings and physical complications.

Wow so your dp is happy for you to go through two full term pregnancies and a miscarriage, with all the dangers that entails, and have 10 years of issues with the pill, but won't go in for a 20 minute procedure. Tbh I'd stop having sex with him until he sorts himself out.

The other option would be for OP to get sterilised. Whichever would make it permanent. I was going to do this until I ended up with a traumatic birth with my youngest. DH said he would just get a vasectomy so we could just move on.

Refusing sex till a women got a boob job isn’t the same as refusing sex till a permanent 99% contraception is sorted.

One of those stops a women getting pregnant so you no if you to her what penis can or cannot enter her body. If she only wants safe snipped penises that’s upto her.

YABU I'm afraid

If you were do certain you were done after your second child and struggle with contraception then why didn't you request your tubes were tied?

If you weren't prepared to have a permanent procedure why should he?

If she only wants safe snipped penises that’s upto her.

Absolutely. So they need to split up.

If you get a copper coil, there are no hormones involved that could affect your mental health. Hormonal contraceptives mess me up as well but I have been fine with the copper coil, just a bit more bloating. It’s definitely worth a try if you want to keep having sex.

Its understandable that your pissed off with your dp for agreeing to something when he had no intention of doing it, but you would be wrong to try and pressure him into having a procedure he doesn’t want.

Could you try natural cycles alongside condoms? That's what we did successfully between planned pregnancies.

You'll learn when you're not fertile and when to avoid sex to avoid conception.

No you misunderstand me. I’m never going to force him or abstain (I enjoy sex as much as him). My asking aibu was due to us having a pregnancy scare and us agreeing id go on the pill and he’ll book a vasectomy but with it being a years wait I can manage knowing there was an end in sight. However I’ve now been on the pill 2 weeks and has made no effort to ring the gp and when I’ve brought it up he’s given me the ‘I’m scared’ line. I was asking aibu in asking him in the first place as I’d done my own research on vasectomy’s and didn’t think they sounded that bad.

Use condoms and use them properly. Why on earth would you take oral contraception that doesn't agree with you, or your partner have surgery he doesn't want to, when you could both just learn to use condoms competently!

None of those things are going to risk him having to go through anything like pregnancy or miscarriage, are they. They're not comparable.

If he said he wasn't having sex with her until she went back on the pill because he doesn't want more children that would be fine to abstain.

I never wanted children and found hormone contraception was giving me horrendous headaches during the pill free week. I decided that enough was enough and DH and I talked through our options for permanent non hormonal contraception.

We both researched vasectomies and female sterilization and came to the conclusion that if there were any complications then it would be far easier for me to have them due to sick leave and private medical insurance so we opted for that. I was also of the view that an unwanted pregnancy would impact my life far more than his so it was in my interest to make sure it didn't happen.

DH would have had a vasectomy if it was the better option agreed by BOTH of us.

With any surgical procedure, especially one so final, it must be ultimately that persons decision so if your DP doesn't want one you need to look at your options and decide what to do for you alone.

I was asking aibu in asking him in the first place as I’d done my own research on vasectomy’s and didn’t think they sounded that bad.

They’re not. It’s an in-and-out job.

I've had 4 DC and 3 m/c. My last pg, I was really poorly. I'm sorry but after periods for x amount of years, contraception that gave me lots of bowel problems, umpteen problems connected to baby making equipment, pregnancy symptoms, labour, post labour including breastfeeding which I completely struggled with and the menopause looming, there was no way I was going to put something else into my body. DH had a vasectomy.

Yes, I couldn't make him have it, it is his body, but he also can't make me have sex either.

And those saying vasectomies are easy they might be, although I was sterilised as a day patient with only overnight stay as booked in too late in the day to go home.

When I looked into it there could be complications with vasectomies just with any other procedure so I don't think you can just discount them because the actual procedure happens to take a bit less time.