To ask my partner for a vasectomy

[Foreveranxious22]

Ok so this is something that keeps coming up with me and my partner and I would like some impartial advice if you have any please.
My and DP have been together 10+ years, 2DC. Not an easy time getting here as I have had multiple miscarriages so I know I’m done having children.
I am super sensitive to contraceptives, I’ve already been on two after having my DD 6 months ago. I get very moody, have whiplash mood swings and sometimes I’m bordering on depressed. I was like this after my first daughter too so I know it’s related to the pill.

Last month we had a pregnancy scare as I had come of my previous pill as I wasn’t myself. This scared us so I agreed I’d try another pill and after advice from my GP I’m currently on rigevidon but same old story as previous contraception. I have mentioned a vasectomy to my DP before but he’s said no as he’s very very squeamish. I made a deal with him when I went on rigevidon that I’d continue taking it so long as he got booked in with the GP for a vasectomy as it can take 52 weeks in our area on the NHS. He’s not even rang the docs and has now changed his tune saying he won’t get one. Am I in the wrong to be upset about this? He knows how bad the pill affects me and I’ve sent him loads of research on the snip from mens POV and they’re a no horror stories. AIBU? Any advice for either of us?

Hello! Know you’re not commenting anymore, but just thought I’d share my experience - like you, I can’t really cope with hormonal contraception for mental health reasons. Gradually realised after years of the pill, then the implant (which was supposed to be better as lower dose, but wasn’t). I have very heavy periods and the implant stopped them completely, which was amazing - but the mental health impacts were so bad that I stopped it anyway. I considered a coil, but rejected mirena as afraid of even v low dose hormones, and the copper coil because of risk of even heavier periods.

So i then used Natural Cycles - which is a fertility tracker using your temperature BUT ALSO a predictive algorithm which says when safe/not to have sex. It’s licensed as a contraceptive and is almost as safe as condoms when used correctly. It’s not the same as the rhythm method, which everybody always jumps on as unreliable. I was fortunate to use it three times to conceive in the first month of trying - and have had no scares in 6 years of not trying. I would recommend if you want an alternative to condoms in the meantime.

all that said, I have slightly started to resent the admin faff of being responsible for taking temps and putting data in the app - so have started my campaign for DH to get a vasectomy. He is dragging his feet a bit but I think will come round. Share the views of some people in the thread that at some point you don’t want it to always be your burden.

I'm sorry the wimpy prick is being a dick. My DH had a vasectomy after number 4; never looked back. Our eldest son recently had his (on his dad's recommendation ) . Contraception is only one bonus. The other, is a lifetime of spontaneous, relaxed, enjoyable and FREQUENT sex. No condom, no calendar, no counting...

If he won't play ball, The Pill is not your only contraceptive option. You could consider an IUD; or female sterilisation under local anaesthetic.

What a selfish prat. My DH had the snip- he was in and out in about 3 hours, and totally back to normal after a week or so. It’s such a minor procedure compared to what the pill does to your body. I was so cross when they pulled the research into the male pill because of the side effects- which were considerably lower than the female pill 🙄
I know it will hurt you to decline sex but really, you’ve born the responsibility for 10 years and now it’s time for him to put his big boy pants on or suffer the consequences of no penetrative sex.

This.

It does happen more often than you think.

My partner had 1 and has had sperm granulomas since. It’s caused pain, he’s been on medication that had a side effect that made him lose control of his bladder as he didn’t get the sensation to pee from the medication, he’s had scans and they have said final step is further operation but will only explore that if it becomes much worse. So far he can live with it so hasn’t opted to operate due to possible further complications.

his feelings and fear are valid and no one should dismiss that. It’s unfair. We live in a world where we say a women’s body is her own so her choice but yet when it comes to a man it isn’t?
what happens if you split and he meets someone and wants another baby? It can happen.

My partner made the choice himself as I couldn’t take hormonal contraception and he got fed up of condoms.

and for the record you need to have plenty of sex using a condom for 6 - 12 months to help flush the live sperm from the body after a vasectomy. That was written on my partners discharge notes and it made me laugh so hard as of course he flaunted that in my face saying doctors orders.

The pill is clearly not working for you and so you should not take it. But as others have said, asking someone to make themselves infertile is quite an ask - his feelings are also valid and it should be his choice.

A pill or vasectomony are not your only choices. I came off the pill nearly 2 years ago and have been using Natural Cycles to track menstrual cycle and avoid sex in fertile days - it always errs on the side of caution so if it's not sure it'll tell you to abstain on that day. Used correctly it's as effective as the pill. (Now I'm actually using it to TTC)

Just to throw this into the mix 1 in 10 vasectomies end in long term pain, ED or other issues (nerve based) that cannot be rectified even with additional surgeries.

This is from the NHS website.

And yes I know of several men that have had this including one that had to have his balls scraped

This is just for information and to make sure all of the facts are known.

Some years ago there was a poster that would post on these threads detailing the issues and pain that he had and still was going through

The vasectomy is easily reversed if the man chooses to leave the relationship & wants more kids. Female sterilisation is not!

Female sterilisation is also major surgery where as a vasectomy is done with local anaesthetic & over in 5 mins!
My friends husband is massively squeamish but he had it done & was back grafting on a building site 4 days later!

Vasectomys are easily reversed.
Your husband is being selfish, end of. He promised something & is now delaying for no reason while you suffer, yet again!!
I’d be seriously considering how much he actually cared about me after everything he has clearly seen you go though!!!

The long term pain includes anything that lasts more than a few weeks I think. And doesn't distinguish between chronic agony and the occasional twinge. I'm sure there are occasionally men who have serious lasting issues, but side effects are very very rare. In contrast, side effects from birth control or female sterilization are more or less guaranteed. It's not a good excuse.

Same here. Works well for us as my husband doesn't want a vasectomy and I am a horror on the pill. It means we both get to keep our bodies how we want them and would recommend i

Funny how women with selfish husbands know ALL the stats about ‘side effects’ for the poor men. I wonder if those heroes even give a shit about the stats about women’s health?

Same boat here too. I’ve been on the pill since I was 17, I’m now 34 and had 2 children. I had the copper coil after my first child and it worked so well! I was a different person. Had it removed to have my second, put back in after having him and it just made me bleed constantly for months so it had to be removed.
ive mentioned the snip to my husband several times and he has offered to have it but does nothing about it.

🎯

I personally know someone who went in happily for it and ended up really injured. He was on bed rest and in immense pain for a few weeks and didn't heal completely for a few months. Unfortunately it is a medical procedure and bad things can happen.

You said you only tried the pill, but there are a lot of other contraceptives. I don't blame him for being worried or nervous, it's a sensitive area. I also don't blame you for not wanting to take a pill if you've had a bad reaction, but even then there are different kinds of pills.

I hope you can find a solution that takes both your feelings and bodies into consideration.

DH had his done 8 years ago. He said it felt like he’d been kicked in the bollocks afterwards but we’ve had no scares since. Unfortunately the surgeon did tug on the Vas Deferens a little too hard and he still has a bit of ongoing pain from time to time. This was a mistake on the behalf of the surgeon so up to you whether you mention it to your DH.

I'm of the opinion that you can't tell him what to do with his body, just as he couldn't tell you what to do with yours.

So he doesn't want the snip, you don't want to take the pill. You both need to decide together what you're going to do whether it be condoms, abstinence or something else that you're both happy with.

I'm the same on the pill - horrendous moods and depression. DH knows my stance on the snip and I'd never push him to get it (the opposite infact - morbid but what if me and the children die tomorrow, he might meet someone else and want more children). He says he wants it done as he doesn't want me suffering anymore.
He's gone off his own back to get referred and I've got the copper coil (due to the mirena being the same as the mini pill/injection that I react to).

I also found that no contraceptive worked well for me after having our 3rd I opted to be sterilised, made most sense for us as I wasn't working whilst hubby does heavy lifting at work and at that time the waiting time for men was over a year whilst from me talking to GP at my 6wk check to the op was less than 12months and most of that was awaiting the initial gyno consult. So either he needs to step up or you decide to get sterilised. I would stop taking the pill though x

Imagine the outrage if he was upset because you wouldn't get sterilised. They'd all be telling you to leave him.

He is being a selfish prick.

My OH had it done. It is not like it was years ago.
Quick easy and barely even a bruise.

Coils and my experience.

I’ve had both coils. Copper made no difference to my periods. Mirena (sp) my periods have stopped.

I’ve noticed no other side effects.

Yes it’s uncomfortable going in just like a prolonged smear I felt.

Would 100% recommend one. If you are sensitive to hormones go for a copper coil.

Good Luck OP

Women: step up. Just sort it out.

Don’t expect me men to do anything. That’s completely unreasonable.

Except tying your tubes and a vasectomy have vastly different risks. The vasectomy having lower risks out of the two.

It's all on us, ladies. Poor the menz.

Can’t believe all these women saying ‘just shove a piece of barbed wire up your vag, love’ to prevent the poor little squeamish man having to put himself through a tiny bit of momentary discomfort. After all you’ve been through! Tell him to get on with it or no more sex.

Can you ask for a hysterectomy instead? Sorry but I don't agree with your husbands life being permanently affected. I know you have been together over 10 years but some relationships end after longer and if this did happen, it's not fair to permanently impact his future.