To ask my partner for a vasectomy

[Foreveranxious22]

Ok so this is something that keeps coming up with me and my partner and I would like some impartial advice if you have any please.
My and DP have been together 10+ years, 2DC. Not an easy time getting here as I have had multiple miscarriages so I know I’m done having children.
I am super sensitive to contraceptives, I’ve already been on two after having my DD 6 months ago. I get very moody, have whiplash mood swings and sometimes I’m bordering on depressed. I was like this after my first daughter too so I know it’s related to the pill.

Last month we had a pregnancy scare as I had come of my previous pill as I wasn’t myself. This scared us so I agreed I’d try another pill and after advice from my GP I’m currently on rigevidon but same old story as previous contraception. I have mentioned a vasectomy to my DP before but he’s said no as he’s very very squeamish. I made a deal with him when I went on rigevidon that I’d continue taking it so long as he got booked in with the GP for a vasectomy as it can take 52 weeks in our area on the NHS. He’s not even rang the docs and has now changed his tune saying he won’t get one. Am I in the wrong to be upset about this? He knows how bad the pill affects me and I’ve sent him loads of research on the snip from mens POV and they’re a no horror stories. AIBU? Any advice for either of us?

Can I ask you all to please not bash my DP. I have a huge phobia of sick which he doesn’t understand yet id hope he wouldn’t leave me over it. I understand some things ‘go through’ people and my partner hates veins and blood and makes him squeamish and this is giving him the same vibes. However I have made many sacrifices for our family and gone though a lot so I would appreciate it if he’d make a sacrifice too. I mean I look after our children when they’re sick, I’m not happy about it but I do it cos I love them and we have to do things we don’t like some times. Thank you 😊 xxx

I don't get it. Why not go for the female sterilisation and have your fallopian tubes sealed? It is often done during a c-section, but you can have it done at any time
Am I missing something ? Does it no longer exist?

Perhaps you should mention that you are also 'squeamish' and don't fancy the risk of miscarriage or another pregnancy and giving birth or electing for an abortion. None of which are less squeamish inducing and carry far more risks than a simple procedure like a vasectomy.

The PP who suggested a fucking hysterectomy as an alternative needs some therapy!

Yes, I'm aware, and sterilisation should always be regarded as irreversible. I'm comparing it to LARC - IUDs, implants, the injection. When an IUD is less likely to fail than female sterilisation, cheaper, less risky, and can be whisked out again in a flash, why would you do female sterilisation? Which is exactly the NHS's position now.

He’s said no. The answer is no and you need to accept it.

Seems fair enough so long as he is choosing freely and accepting the consequences, which IMO are no PIV sex.

Many women tend to need more stimulation for orgasm anyway so no harm done.

YANBU to refuse to take the pill after it's caused bad side effects for you.
YANBU to want him to have a vasectomy.
Of course it's his body his choice, but it's unreasonable of him to say he'll do it but not even start the process (it's not as it he's discussed it with a HCP and changed his mind based on making an informed decision).

You can't control what he does but you can refuse PIV sex, or perhaps abstain from PIV during your fertile window and use condoms at other times.

FWIW, I have a hormonal coil called Kyleena, it's newer and lower dose than Mirena (but just as effective). I think the idea of the coil is that because it's in the uterus, it has fewer side effects than other hormonal contraception (like the pill or the implant) that affect the whole baby. In any case, I don't have side effects on it. I got it fitted in a family planning clinic (not at GP) and my main concern was getting it removed if I wanted - they reassured me than I could have it taken out promptly. I would definitely recommend a family planning clinic over GP for this kind of thing.

Yes it still exists but I presume a lot of people don't do it as vasectomies tend to be free on the NHS but getting a female sterilization harder.

As it turns out I could have got mine on the NHS if I persuaded my GP to refer me and was prepared to wait over 15 months. Instead I opted to pay privately and it was done within a few weeks of the initial consultation.

the whole baby body

My DH had a vasectomy a couple of months ago. So once we get the all clear from follow up tests in January I will be coming off the pill.

I don't think you can force it guilt anyone to have one though. My husband had a lot of discomfort and was in pain.

If he won't entertain the idea surely you resort to condoms?I don't think withholding sex is the right way to go about it. Unless he won't use condoms cos then that it is his choice to do that

What bit is he scared of the actually doing it or like my dh just even the first appointment and booking it.

If you said you would call the doctor to make the appointment, go with if he wanted where he could get the facts from a medical professional then decide. Would he be open to that? At least going and talking to the doctor about it would show willing to take the contraception issue seriously.

@RubbishDay out of curiosity I checked and it is still seem to be free on the NHS if above 30 with children. So why is it not talked more? The waiting time for surgery would certainly be the same men/ woman?
You are right however , it is something that is never mentioned .

I did not know this is now done by GPs. It's hypothetical for me, but that makes me more rather than less resistant to the idea of vasectomy. If I'm going to have an operation that has even a 1% risk of having life-long pain and difficulty having sex, I want it to be performed by someone who does nothing else. who has been doing it several times a day, for a number of years. Though, to be clear, I would refuse even that option in favour of condoms, which I've always been happy to use. If my partner refused condoms, then I'd find a more amenable partner.

I felt like I was an endlessly moody bitch on the pill.
Now on a mirena coil which is much much better. The hormone dose is much lower as more localised. I had planned to get a copper coil fitted but the lady who did my first one talked me through pros and cons and in the end I decided to risk hormones and avoid longer heavier periods. So glad I did. I barely have periods at all now and will keep mine into menopause.

Not saying this means you should stop conversation about a vasectomy, but it might be worth a go. My dp offered to get a vasectomy but my response was there was no point as I'm happier on the mirena than not

It depends on the Trust. With mine, my friend, over 30, with 4 kids couldn't get one on the NHS so her husband had a vasectomy. She really would have got her tubes tied instead/as well because she believes in being in control and taking responsibility for your own contraception as an individual as well as a couple

Yes it's free but I think it's just harder to get (my personal experience and discussions with others in RL) because all the other contraceptive options are pushed first plus then the vasectomy option as 'quick'.

My husband had a vasectomy and it was fine. He said it took about 15 minutes, it was pain free, and he went to the pub for a drink before coming home.

He had 3 days off work but only because of the nature of his job and he said he otherwise would have been fine to go to work the next day.

I can’t stand men who don’t want want children happily watch their partner endure all the shit with contraception because they feel ‘squeamish.’

So women can endure the pain of labour and all its after effects but men can’t bear the thought of a vasectomy because they’re squeamish.

It’s so pathetic.

Maybe you need to double up on condoms, as in you use a Femidom as well as him wearing one, and perhaps throw in some spermicide for good measure too.

But if you aren’t comfortable with that then he’s going to have to accept abstinence.

My DH had one this year. He had initially been quite reluctant but I can't take hormonal contraception and with both children had got pregnant instantly. Our sex life pretty much dwindled to nothing because neither of us liked condoms very much but there wasn't really much alternative. I also felt that it was unfair that all the onus was put on me when he could have a very simple procedure.

In the end he was persuaded after he discovered that quite a few of our friends DH's had had one - all without much pain or any lasting unpleasant side effects. That gave him the final push and we are both very happy with the outcome.

Does your DH still want any children? If not, I can't see what would prevent him from having one?

Logically, if there is to be a surgical sterilisation, and it's the woman who can't have/doesn't want another pregnancy, then it should be the woman who has the procedure.

If a couple sit down and mutually agree the man should have a vasectomy, fine. But some women push vasectomy not just as a practical solution, but also as a form of control, of ensuring their partner cannot have children with anyone else. Making vows of fidelity is one thing, but enforcing them surgically is abusive.

I never knew this re tilted cervix! That’ll explain why I had to cry in bed for hours after the first time! I’ve had 3 put in, learnt the hard way first time round why you should take painkillers an hour before. But the next two times was absolutely fine as I took the ibuprofen first. Doesn’t work once the cramps have already set in though. I actually found the normal coil uncomfortable so had a gynefix which is same idea but different shape which worked well. You have to check those wires though!

I agree you shouldn’t be taking the pill. It’s clearly having horrible side effects. These were deemed intolerable for men, so much so they discontinued the roll out of a male pill.

Condoms do work well if used properly. No “starting off” without one or anything like that.

Id go with abstinence until he’s at least willing to go to the drs re the vasectomy. I’m mean I’m all for not forcing people to have medical procedures , but you’re not forcing him, you’re just not having sex. If he’s squeamish about that, what does he think pregnancy, child birth and mid carriages are like? What if you were “squeamish”?

Logically, if there is to be a surgical sterilisation, and it's the woman who can't have/doesn't want another pregnancy, then it should be the woman who has the procedure.

This would seem to make sense, as if the couple subsequently split up, or the DP dies she would then be in the same situation as before if she meets a fertile man but doesn’t want children with him.

I can't use contraception other than condoms. My DP had a vasectomy a few months ago when our youngest was a few months old.

He agreed with me that it was unfair that I have to take the risks of contraception when it gives me extreme side effects. He did have to be reminded to get it booked in and did have a few jitters but at the end of the day it's not like he has to go through giving birth.

We were told 12mths wait and then told it's not in our area at all and he'd have to travel to the nearest city so he turned it down and waited as you're not supposed to drive after having one and I couldn't drive him there and back.
Within a few weeks he had an appointment booked 10mins drive from home. It was a couple more months wait but I'd say it was done within 4mths of him contacting the doctor. It's a very short appointment and yes it does hurt, but is over quickly.

He drove home himself but regretted it. He also had to ask for light duties at work (emergency services) as he couldn't have done any heavy lifting etc. The recovery was ok but he did get an infection but the GP prescribed over the phone.

He's got to do the test soon to make sure it's worked and keeping his fingers crossed he doesn't have to go through it again 😄.

In an equal partnership a couple should be taking equal responsibility for contraception and reproduction. They balance is tipped massively against women as almost every single invasive task around contraception and childbirth is done to the woman.Hormonal contraceptive, those inserted into the cervix, injectables, and the childbirth with all its delights. Not to mention yearly smears mainly because having sex increase our risk of cancer.
Sterilisation for women is a hugely invasive and risky procedure.
Women do enough, frankly. More than enough.
If a couple is committed and neither partner has any intention of moving on, then there is nothing abusive about expecting the male to do the one thing he is able to do to prevent unwanted pregnancies long term. She can't match him to that clinic and force him to have it under duress. But she can certainly refuse to have sec with him until he's had it done, because each time she has sex she risks getting pregnant again.

15 min procedure for him with 1 week max of discomfort in recovery vs 20 or so years of daily issues for you due to hormonal contraception. Coil might be even worse for some women. You took care of the family planning before, you suffered through miscarriages, you birthed 1 children. It is his turn. The only possible valid argument from his side can be a potential desire to have more children

You said that you are “done” with having children but how does your DH feel?

Maube he is thinking ahead to the possibility of a time where you are no longer together and he may children with a new partner.

If a man isn’t 100% sure that he doesn’t want children then of course he is well within his right to not want a vasectomy.

However, if the man is 100% he never wants more children then he needs to step up and just face 15 minutes of discomfort to prevent his partner either suffering awful side effects from contraception or potential unwanted pregnancies and all the physical and emotional toil that will have on her.

After our second baby my husband was adamant he didn’t want more children (whereas I didn’t feel that strongly) and so he had a vasectomy about 6 months after the baby had been born. It wasn’t at a GP practice but at a dedicated clinic for vasectomies….he said the worse part was sitting in a waiting room with lots of other men in hospital gowns with their bottoms on show when they stood up 😂