To ask my partner for a vasectomy

[Foreveranxious22]

Ok so this is something that keeps coming up with me and my partner and I would like some impartial advice if you have any please.
My and DP have been together 10+ years, 2DC. Not an easy time getting here as I have had multiple miscarriages so I know I’m done having children.
I am super sensitive to contraceptives, I’ve already been on two after having my DD 6 months ago. I get very moody, have whiplash mood swings and sometimes I’m bordering on depressed. I was like this after my first daughter too so I know it’s related to the pill.

Last month we had a pregnancy scare as I had come of my previous pill as I wasn’t myself. This scared us so I agreed I’d try another pill and after advice from my GP I’m currently on rigevidon but same old story as previous contraception. I have mentioned a vasectomy to my DP before but he’s said no as he’s very very squeamish. I made a deal with him when I went on rigevidon that I’d continue taking it so long as he got booked in with the GP for a vasectomy as it can take 52 weeks in our area on the NHS. He’s not even rang the docs and has now changed his tune saying he won’t get one. Am I in the wrong to be upset about this? He knows how bad the pill affects me and I’ve sent him loads of research on the snip from mens POV and they’re a no horror stories. AIBU? Any advice for either of us?

Er, not to point out the obvious but you're literally acting as a beacon point for men who do have issues. You never see the vast majority who don't.

People don't get a hysterectomy for contraception! It's a major operation with major long term side effects. Female sterilisation is also likely to be a nonstarter unless OP can pay herself - it's less effective than IUDs and has the two major disadvantages of being 1) invasive and 2) irreversible. And a surprising fraction of women historically change their minds after having it done and then sue the NHS for "letting" them, which the NHS understandably does not enjoy.

@Foreveranxious22 Him being ‘squeamish’ about a tiny procedure after I’d given birth to 2 children and all the pain and squeamish things that go along with that would make me look at him as pathetic. That in turn would give me the ick and I’d never have sex with him again.

What a big brave man he is. Ick.

Of course he should get it done. Squeamish? Try giving birth and having multiple miscarriages mate. It's his turn.

I have 2 DC and we decided not to have any more. DH didn't like the idea of a vasectomy either but he had one like a shot. Like I say, I have given birth twice, gone through a termination, had ovarian cancer, regular internal scans and examinations, smear tests, breast feeding, bad reactions to contraceptives - my body has done its bit for our family! DH was in and out within an hour and had mild discomfort for a couple of days.

If this question was the other way around there would be outrage at the idea of pressuring / coercing a woman into having non-essential surgery against her will. His body: his choice.

However, that said, you also have choices. You know that he doesn’t want a vasectomy, and you know that you don’t want a pregnancy or hormonal contraceptives, so your options are:

• non-hormonal contraception
• abstinence
• female sterilisation

In an ideal works you would be able to discuss it and reach a decision as a couple, but really neither of you has the right to force or pressure the other to do something they feel uncomfortable with or will be adversely affected by.

dont Men also have bodily autonomy though? I don’t like the idea of anyone being pressured into any medical procedure against their will.

there are other options it just needs sensible conversations

Female sterilisation is also likely to be a nonstarter unless OP can pay herself - it's less effective than IUDs and has the two major disadvantages of being 1) invasive and 2) irreversible.

Vasectomy is often not reversible either. It’s not meant to be. Reversal attempts are often not successful.

I asked about female sterilisation once and the nurse told me to forget it, the NHS were vanishingly unlikely to do the more expensive option when they could give DH a vasectomy.

Certainly, if I were a man, I wouldn't do it for you. Any need to call people pathetic. There are numerous women on this thread who wanted their partners to sterilize themselves. They refused, and they're now not together.
Good call on the part of the men.

Certainly the women are well shot of such sub-standard specimen.

And yes, I categorically do think such men are pathetic. No question.

I am sorry for any woman in the position of having to defend such men.

Snip it, wrap it up or don't come near me.
After decades of pills, pregnancies and breastfeeding I didn't feel at bad pressuring him into a medical procedure. Not that I had to, it was his idea.

This really. No one should be forced to have surgery they do not want. But it means you have to then look at the other options and remove those that are not acceptable to you, which is also very valid, and see what is left.

How old is he?

You have proven in your last two posts to be an unpleasant individual.

It’s time for him to step up. You’ve been through a lot and trying different hormonal contraceptives, all of which are making you ill, just so he doesn’t have to have a 3mm cut in his nut sack, is pathetic.

Oh. I’m tired and wrote that wrong. You’re obviously not pathetic, he is.

I'm another "unpleasant individual" too then! I do think these men are pathetic and I have a similar opinion of the women who jump in to defend them.

YABU. You can’t force someone into a surgery they don’t want, nor should you try to because of reasons.

He’s said no. The answer is no and you need to accept it.

So you either need to get the procedure done yourself or use another form of contraception.

Withdrawing sex as a means to force someone into something they don’t want to do is abuse.

🤷🏻‍♀️

OP I could’ve written this myself! We only use condoms now and just this month it somehow came off inside me without us knowing. Cue me having to have to take the MAP. I am really disappointed in DH that he won’t do this for our family when He watched me almost die having our youngest. It’s a really selfish attitude these men have that it’s not their responsibility.

women are fertile for a few days a month, men are fertile all the time...yet the majority of contraception was developed for women...BY MEN 🙄

Withdrawing sex as a means to force someone into something they don’t want to do is abuse

Oh my god. Have I honestly just read this? Have I stumbled onto www.pick-me-handmaiden.net?

My DH was being difficult about this, but then realised it was killing our marriage.
I knew he was being stubborn (he later admitted it). No he didn’t like the idea, but I went through hell having our kids and was done messing with my body.

men need to step up if they are committed to the relationship.

You wouldn’t consider a small procedure that is now done in GPs surgeries, to prevent your wife having to endure anymore hormonal contraceptions, having had miscarriages and gone through two labours?

I agree with the poster you’re laying into. Decent men would just do it.

Withdrawing sex as a means to force someone into something they don’t want to do is abuse.

Whereas having PIV sex with a women, while expecting her to carry 100% of the contraceptive load and opting out ENTIRELY is really …. what …. noble….?

Similar situation, DH not entirely comfortable with it but equally understands it's the most sensible and fairest solution for us. Obviously I can't force him, it's his choice, but equally we have chatted and he accepts how one sided contraception and related issues have been to date and thankfully he's a good man!

(And just to add I've gotten pregnant on the copper coil and get some symptoms so whilst it's been a good option through my 20s and 30s, I'm done now!)