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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be down that my whole life will be spent 'caring'

221 replies

AnuSTart · 16/10/2022 20:44

In as small a nutshell as I can manage;

I'm 50. It'll be 10 years before my youngest leaves home (at the very minimum). My DPs parents are in early 70s and not in good health. His expectation is that we move in with them in next 5-10 years and will look after them as they did with his grandparents. In same house no less.
I've just realised that I've spent my whole adult life caring for others (was a mum at 21) and will continue until I'm too old to do anything else- assuming we look after his parents.
It makes me utterly down.
I have siblings who will bear the brunt of my parents' old age and I very selfishly I realise now, always lives far away (my parents were very bad to me and I felt -and feel- no guilt for this). I admire the dedication of my partner and his sense of duty towards his parents but my relationship with them is hard often on a very simplistic level it feels like my raison d'être in my 60s will be to serve them. I am aware that this has been the lot of women for hundreds of years and it makes me angry.
I know this is superficial in many ways but I'm sad. Aibu? I need to suck it up. I know. They have that expectation but I do know that it messed with the mind and happiness of my mother-in-law yet she expects me to downgrade she did in the 80s!

OP posts:
Original poster
AnuSTart · 16/10/2022 20:45

Sorry for the awful autocorrects of my phone!

OP posts:
Obki · 16/10/2022 20:46

You don’t have to accept this. Tell DH that his parents will have to have carers or go into a home like most other elderly people.

Don’t be so defeatist.

Regularsizedrudy · 16/10/2022 20:47

I think you’ll make yourself miserable thinking like this. Your dc might be at home for another ten years but presumably won’t need caring for in the same way an elderly relative will. And hey, his parents might drop dead tomorrow

Dacadactyl · 16/10/2022 20:48

Is your youngest child only 8 yo and then you have an older child of 29? Is that right?

Surely you csn say no to looking after your in laws? If its important to your DH, is there a reason why he cant do it himself?

bloodywhitecat · 16/10/2022 20:49

No, you don't have to suck it up. You get to decide whether or not you want to act as a carer to your DP's parents, don't be guilted into doing it.

Mossstitch · 16/10/2022 20:51

You don't have to move in to look after them, that choice is yours! If we choose to have children I believe come what may we have a duty to look after them/do the best for them (I mean most good mums would want that)! My best is to let them live their lives and not expect them to look after me. If your husband wants to do it that is up to him but he can do it remotely, buy in help if needed whilst living somewhere else and allowing you to have some life of your own to look forward to.

LightDrizzle · 16/10/2022 20:52

If your husband chooses to care for his parents in their older years then he does just that; he doesn’t get to choose that YOU care for his elderly parents. He can’t outsource generosity and filial piety! Make sure he knows that before he makes any housing decisions.

I realise that’s much easier said than done but while some people will judge you, particularly if it’s the norm in your culture, those people won’t be fucking helping you so just need to develop a thick skin and think of ripostes like “I’m fully supportive of DH caring for his parents, I think it’s amazing, I certainly couldn’t do it’ and others.

NewHopeNow · 16/10/2022 20:52

Why wouldn't you make it clear that this would make you totally miserable and you have no intention of doing it? You don't just let people tell you how you're going to live your life. Your husband isn't in charge of your decisions.

The kids are different because you obviously chose to have them and so should care for them.

DenholmElliot1 · 16/10/2022 20:53

No you don't have to look after your partners parents they can get carers in like every one else. Are you married?

Cuppasoupmonster · 16/10/2022 20:55

His sense of duty towards his parents?! He won’t be the one wiping their arses and cooking the meals. Just say no for fucks sake.

Colderthanever · 16/10/2022 20:56

No you don’t have tp care for his parents. But wow. First kid at 21 and 60 before youngest leaves home. You’ve some responsibility there

Itisbetter · 16/10/2022 20:56

what do you want to do?

do that

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 16/10/2022 20:57

I think it's amazing that your DH is so eager to care for his parents. However, there is nothing amazing about him expecting you to care for his parents. That isn't a decision that he gets to make.

If he wants to take on that responsibility, then that's his choice. If you don't want to take it on, that's your choice. Both are entirely valid positions. Don't allow yourself to be pressured into doing something that you don't want to do.

Comedycook · 16/10/2022 20:57

Don't look after your in laws... seriously just don't. No one can force you to.

As for motherhood, you said you had a child at 21...yet you are still in your fifties with a dependent child? How old is your youngest?

ThisShipIsSinking · 16/10/2022 20:58

These are just your thoughts right now, not facts.
Alot could happen between them and now, you are in negative thinking mode, the actual scenario could be very different, life has a will of its own, not what we envisage.
I am on my own, in 10 yrs l imagine both my sons will have flown the nest, people are fond of telling me l will end up lonely as l have no interest in trying to find someone, but l am looking forward to only having myself to worry about, at last.

WhileMyGuitarGentlyWeeps · 16/10/2022 21:02

Why won't your youngest leave for at least 10 years? Were you in your 40s when you had him/her?

I have to say I don't envy you. My parents passed (about 12-13 years ago,) when DD was only about 11-12, and DHs passed several years before, and whilst it was tough at the time (losing both sets of parents within 7 years, and us both only being around 39-40,) it's something of a blessing now, because we have no elderly parents to care for or worry about.

We did the caring and helping them in the last 5 to 7 years of their life, and DD was little then too, and we worked, so it was tough. AND tough losing them when we weren't hugely old.

DD is mid 20s now and left home some years ago, and we don't have any caring duties now. Not for anyone. Both in our early to mid 50s.

No help to you whatsoever sorry @AnuSTart but I do empathise. It's tough caring for parents, especially when you have children, and you work too, and it's a relief to have no more caring duties now. It will no doubt come back around though if DH becomes infirm, or DD has a baby and we help look after it. (Although the latter is not mandatory.) I suppose caring for DH is not mandatory, but it would be a bit mean to not do it!!!

Also, am I correct in assuming your DH want YOU to look after HIS parents? LOL fuck that!

Georgeskitchen · 16/10/2022 21:02

If your inlaws are in poor health now they may not last another 5-10 years

Jjones8 · 16/10/2022 21:03

Moving in with your in laws to care for them (when you don’t want to) is a terrible idea. Please do not do this.

shivawn · 16/10/2022 21:04

If DP's parents are in bad health in their early 70's then they might not be around in 10 years time. How old is your youngest? Unless you have a massive age gap between oldest and youngest then surely not much caring isn't required even if they still live at home.

Comedycook · 16/10/2022 21:06

Personally I'd rather be single than look after my in laws.

BeautifulElephant · 16/10/2022 21:07

I know this is superficial in many ways but I'm sad. Aibu? I need to suck it up. I know.

It's not superficial at all, it's your life. You don't need to suck it up. Your needs are valid. You need to talk to your DH about how you feel. He can't just be make decisions for the both of you like that.

Pumpkinpatchlookinggood · 16/10/2022 21:10

Woman the fuck op. Nowhere in your marriage vows was that part of your deal.

Ponderingwindow · 16/10/2022 21:12

I have never been encountered a couple caring for the husband’s parents where the husband did even 10% of the work. Even if there are also carers or care homes involved, somehow almost all the remaining labor falls to the wife.

don’t do this to yourself. At least keep the boundary of living separately from the in-laws.

Poptart4 · 16/10/2022 21:13

You act like you have no say in your life.

You chose to have the children you have. That was YOUR choice and yes you have a duty to look after them.

However weather or not you become a carer for your inlaws is also YOUR choice. It doesn't matter what your husband or his parents expect. You have a choice here. Don't just bow down, if you don't want to care for them then don't. And spell it out to your husband now that if HE wants to care for his parents that's his choice but you will not be involved.

Honestly OP stop being a martyr and take control of your life.

DisforDarkChocolate · 16/10/2022 21:13

Feck no, you don't have to accept this at all.

There is no way I would do this for my in-laws, my mental health wouldn't allow it, my marriage would end if this was expected.

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