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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be down that my whole life will be spent 'caring'

221 replies

AnuSTart · 16/10/2022 20:44

In as small a nutshell as I can manage;

I'm 50. It'll be 10 years before my youngest leaves home (at the very minimum). My DPs parents are in early 70s and not in good health. His expectation is that we move in with them in next 5-10 years and will look after them as they did with his grandparents. In same house no less.
I've just realised that I've spent my whole adult life caring for others (was a mum at 21) and will continue until I'm too old to do anything else- assuming we look after his parents.
It makes me utterly down.
I have siblings who will bear the brunt of my parents' old age and I very selfishly I realise now, always lives far away (my parents were very bad to me and I felt -and feel- no guilt for this). I admire the dedication of my partner and his sense of duty towards his parents but my relationship with them is hard often on a very simplistic level it feels like my raison d'être in my 60s will be to serve them. I am aware that this has been the lot of women for hundreds of years and it makes me angry.
I know this is superficial in many ways but I'm sad. Aibu? I need to suck it up. I know. They have that expectation but I do know that it messed with the mind and happiness of my mother-in-law yet she expects me to downgrade she did in the 80s!

OP posts:
LucyLastikk · 19/10/2022 22:01

I'm quietly seething.

Don't seethe quietly, OP. Seethe loudly!

1HappyTraveller · 19/10/2022 22:02

If “it’s something families take care of” then I guess he better think about how he’s going to come to terms with getting his own hands dirty. Quite literally.

I also didn’t mean my question to come across as a guilt-trip, more of a ‘stand-in-his-shoes’ kind of question.

bobtheveryoldBuilder · 19/10/2022 22:02

I said well there will have to be paid care. He replied that it's something families should take care of. I'm quietly seething.

jesus Christ kick him into touch or kick him out.
lol at ‘families take care’. Smile and wave. Take copies of all financial docs and go see a solicitor. Your DH must be insane

Anydaynowonewouldhope · 19/10/2022 22:08

Honestly OP you need to specifically ask him why do you think I should wipe your parents bottoms and not you.

don’t use euphemisms. Don’t skirt around it.

say it for what it is. And make it very clear this is really concerning you and you are going to make decisions about the rest of your life depending on this

billy1966 · 19/10/2022 22:10

......and there you have it.......YOU are being lined up......its womens work!

Divorce would be preferably.

However much you love him, he's lining you up to be used as carer for his parents.

Let those seething feelings sit.

He's just another spectacularly selfish man prepared to offload HIS responsibilities on the nearest woman IF he can get away with it.🙄

billy1966 · 19/10/2022 22:16

He's some CF OP, and don't try and convince yourself otherwise.

It would really change how I would view my partner and our relationship that he would want to foist something like the care of HIS parents on me.

He's a CF and he would give me the Ick.

Have a good hard think about your options because he doesn't have your best interests at heart.

He's prepared to use you.

Total deal breaker.

WickedStepmomNOT · 19/10/2022 22:17

AnuSTart · 19/10/2022 21:52

For all the PPs who've been there or are there now I am really grateful for your thoughts. It's appalling to think that as women the expectation is, subconscious or not, that we will do the physical and emotional care of senior relatives beggars belief.
I did have a short talk to DH about it today and he mentioned that he is not sure about the physical stuff and doing it himself as his own mother did it for her husbands parents. My jaw was agape MNers! Hit the floor! The implication is, well women can wash other people's behinds. Actually not even considering that maybe his father or mother won't even want me doing that! Where's the dignity!
I said well there will have to be paid care. He replied that it's something families should take care of. I'm quietly seething.

@1HappyTraveller I think this is a pertinent question and I do think there is an element of that. That said I left home young because of my parents and I felt no guilt about leaving them. But I do feel guilt about my siblings being the persons left.

I do love my partner and as such I have a role to play, but I'll be damned if I am the only one doing it!

Aaaargh! Spell it out in words of one syllable - no I am not doing it. You say families should do it? Well that is you, not me, you are their blood family. Pay for care or move in and do it yourself - I am not. End of.

WickedStepmomNOT · 19/10/2022 22:18

Move in with them, his DP, that is. Not you move in with them - just him. And bo, they are not coming to live with you.

MysterOfwomanY · 19/10/2022 22:25

OP, it is in your ILs interest to have capable, well prepared, willing carers. You already know that they complain when you do things for them - you said this in a previous post - they have no good reason for wanting you to look after them when they are elderly and vulnerable, that would be nuts.

Your "no" is the right thing for you AND THEM.

If your DH thinks his DM should live out her last days in an atmosphere of festering mutual resentment then I suspect he has given this 0 thought...

AnotherEmma · 19/10/2022 22:28

YABVU to be such a defeatist martyr about the whole thing and to pretend that you have no choice when you most definitely do have a choice. I was slightly (but not fully) relieved to read your latest posts but still concerned you haven't ruled it out entirely. If you don't want to live with your in-laws then don't. A compromise could be living very close by so that your DP/DH (not sure which he is?) can visit and help them regularly. Note I said so that he can, not you.

Also, with all due respect you also chose to have children 20 years apart so you chose to spend 38 years straight looking after children... however, once your youngest leaves home you can choose what you do next.

AnotherEmma · 19/10/2022 22:33

AnuSTart · 19/10/2022 21:52

For all the PPs who've been there or are there now I am really grateful for your thoughts. It's appalling to think that as women the expectation is, subconscious or not, that we will do the physical and emotional care of senior relatives beggars belief.
I did have a short talk to DH about it today and he mentioned that he is not sure about the physical stuff and doing it himself as his own mother did it for her husbands parents. My jaw was agape MNers! Hit the floor! The implication is, well women can wash other people's behinds. Actually not even considering that maybe his father or mother won't even want me doing that! Where's the dignity!
I said well there will have to be paid care. He replied that it's something families should take care of. I'm quietly seething.

@1HappyTraveller I think this is a pertinent question and I do think there is an element of that. That said I left home young because of my parents and I felt no guilt about leaving them. But I do feel guilt about my siblings being the persons left.

I do love my partner and as such I have a role to play, but I'll be damned if I am the only one doing it!

Were your parents abusive towards you?
That might have made it more difficult for you to be assertive about things like this.
I'm not sure why else you'd seethe quietly about him deciding that you're the one who'll have to wipe his parents' arses. No way he would do it, of course. Because a penis disqualifies you from doing that, apparently.

milveycrohn · 20/10/2022 07:20

I have already answered upthread. However, I wanted to add that another good reason for NOT living with DP or DPIL is that if living in a multi generational house with your own DC, then this may become too much to handle for elderly parents, as I have witnessed.
The family I know of, however, much they loved their DGC, there was no break for the elderly, and it resulted in raised voices, snapping and criticism towards their normally much loved DGC, causing problems all round.

FooFooFloofyFoof · 20/10/2022 09:08

You are not being unreasonable. You are entitled to do whatever you want when your youngest leaves home. I’m in a similar position child wise - I’m 55, my oldest is 30 and my youngest is 13. My parents or ex in-laws never helped with the children in any way. I’ve always worked full time and gave mostly been a single mother. So when I retire and my youngest has left home I’m going to rent me house out and go off round the world to travel, volunteer in animal rescues and do whatever I feel like before I’m too old. I know that means I won’t provide regular childcare for my future grandchildren either but I’ve been caring for 30+ years already and I work in healthcare too. It’s not selfish to want a bit of time for us at last!

SkaterGrrrrl · 20/10/2022 11:26

YANBU.

Our society is broken and the system is broken. Why should the burden of being a carer fall to women in her 50s and 60s? The government has the money to pay for care homes and care workers (how many billions were wasted on a failed test and trace system?) but not the political will.

Times columnists Caitlin Moran writes very eloquently about this.... How we rely on our daughters as we age because the state has failed, and how we are almost forced to breed our own carers!

thelonghaul · 20/10/2022 23:14

What @LightDrizzle says.

SezFrankly · 21/10/2022 06:27

my relationship with my parents is similar and I think this has poisoned your view. Your in laws took care of their son, and he wants to take care of them. It’s the natural circle of life. I was unable to feel this way, until I started to resolve the issues I experienced. If your childhood trauma stil hurts, it’s hardly surprising you feel the same way. Coupled with realising you may have missed out. It’s natural, a mid-life “shit! I’m not immortal! I want to DO stuff”

You’re not being unreasonable, but you might have stuff you need help with.

SezFrankly · 21/10/2022 06:33

SkaterGrrrrl · 20/10/2022 11:26

YANBU.

Our society is broken and the system is broken. Why should the burden of being a carer fall to women in her 50s and 60s? The government has the money to pay for care homes and care workers (how many billions were wasted on a failed test and trace system?) but not the political will.

Times columnists Caitlin Moran writes very eloquently about this.... How we rely on our daughters as we age because the state has failed, and how we are almost forced to breed our own carers!

Less than two generations ago, no one put their parents in a home. Some would argue society broke when that started happening. Not me, I’d just say the fact we work and have our own careers means we can’t be full time carers.

I really don’t see wanting to take your turn to care for your parents as a broken society though.

SezFrankly · 21/10/2022 06:38

AnuSTart · 19/10/2022 21:52

For all the PPs who've been there or are there now I am really grateful for your thoughts. It's appalling to think that as women the expectation is, subconscious or not, that we will do the physical and emotional care of senior relatives beggars belief.
I did have a short talk to DH about it today and he mentioned that he is not sure about the physical stuff and doing it himself as his own mother did it for her husbands parents. My jaw was agape MNers! Hit the floor! The implication is, well women can wash other people's behinds. Actually not even considering that maybe his father or mother won't even want me doing that! Where's the dignity!
I said well there will have to be paid care. He replied that it's something families should take care of. I'm quietly seething.

@1HappyTraveller I think this is a pertinent question and I do think there is an element of that. That said I left home young because of my parents and I felt no guilt about leaving them. But I do feel guilt about my siblings being the persons left.

I do love my partner and as such I have a role to play, but I'll be damned if I am the only one doing it!

Yeah, that’s bang out of order. He’s basically saying he’ll be the good dutiful son and then throwing it all over to you. Fuck that.

Nyna · 21/10/2022 08:37

It’s absolutely unbelievable. Your DP just said “I won’t do it because it’s beneath me but YOU have to do it”. Getting all the medals for it too. Would have definitely answered to that. I’m aghast!!

Expov · 21/10/2022 09:18

Three of the four parents are dead now. My Father went in to a nursing home. He had nursing needs, my sister moved in with my Mother who then left her the house and my FIL lived with SIL who then left her his house.

The issues of inheritance may be part of this because their home may have to be sold for fees. If you are unmarried you wouldn’t even be entitled to any of that inheritance whilst being the one who saved them the fees!

I would not be doing this, make it plain. Look at your finances and have an escape plan. I would have rather been alone that look after my in laws. The only person I would have contemplated looking after was my Father but he was insistent on the nursing home.

SkaterGrrrrl · 21/10/2022 09:18

SezFrankly · 21/10/2022 06:33

Less than two generations ago, no one put their parents in a home. Some would argue society broke when that started happening. Not me, I’d just say the fact we work and have our own careers means we can’t be full time carers.

I really don’t see wanting to take your turn to care for your parents as a broken society though.

Show quote history

I don't have a problem with children caring for their parents, I have a problem with the fact that society expects women, specifically daughters and daughters-in-law, to care for parents.

ZiriForEver · 21/10/2022 11:04

AnuSTart · 19/10/2022 21:52

For all the PPs who've been there or are there now I am really grateful for your thoughts. It's appalling to think that as women the expectation is, subconscious or not, that we will do the physical and emotional care of senior relatives beggars belief.
I did have a short talk to DH about it today and he mentioned that he is not sure about the physical stuff and doing it himself as his own mother did it for her husbands parents. My jaw was agape MNers! Hit the floor! The implication is, well women can wash other people's behinds. Actually not even considering that maybe his father or mother won't even want me doing that! Where's the dignity!
I said well there will have to be paid care. He replied that it's something families should take care of. I'm quietly seething.

@1HappyTraveller I think this is a pertinent question and I do think there is an element of that. That said I left home young because of my parents and I felt no guilt about leaving them. But I do feel guilt about my siblings being the persons left.

I do love my partner and as such I have a role to play, but I'll be damned if I am the only one doing it!

I do love my partner and as such I have a role to play, but I'll be damned if I am the only one doing it!
What do you mean by this? You don't have any obligation or role to fill here. Yes, you can help sort it, but the form of the help is up to your choice/agreement, and arranging carer is one of the forms the help can take.

I am not sure I'd trust your partner now if he says that he will somehow participate in the care - he clearly hadn't expected to do so. Anything less than him wanting to move there to be able to provide the care himself and asking whether you would be willing to come with him to live in the area, no obligation about actual care, is too little.

Bluetree89 · 21/10/2022 12:11

If I was you I would go get a full time job if you don’t already have one, start up a few hobbies. Save for your dream holiday with said full time wage and go on it. Elderly parents will have to make other arrangements as your busy living your life.

TrixieMixie · 22/10/2022 17:46

Tell DH to look after his own parents. Leave home and find an adoring toyboy. Just kidding about the second one, though if you get the chance....

busymomtoone · 22/10/2022 18:40

Having spent a ( very) long time caring I completely understand where you are coming from and how utterly daunting and relentless it can seem. Unlike others who claim you can just ditch responsibility, I totally understand IF you feel that’s something you just can’t do. All I would say is PLEASE make sure you intersperse with treats and breaks, be kind to yourself and don’t underestimate the value of respite care/ planned care stepping in. You need and deserve this if you go down this path. On the positive side, although it is incredibly tough , at the risk of sounding trite, it is also very rewarding, and you will ( if you decide to continue in this position) know that you have done your best/ offered something very special to other human beings. Whatever you do though , it HAS to be your decision, and you MUST work in treats/ breaks / support ( from Crossroads and similar) or you will totally burn out. Good luck xx