To be down that my whole life will be spent 'caring'

[AnuSTart]

In as small a nutshell as I can manage;

I'm 50. It'll be 10 years before my youngest leaves home (at the very minimum). My DPs parents are in early 70s and not in good health. His expectation is that we move in with them in next 5-10 years and will look after them as they did with his grandparents. In same house no less.
I've just realised that I've spent my whole adult life caring for others (was a mum at 21) and will continue until I'm too old to do anything else- assuming we look after his parents.
It makes me utterly down.
I have siblings who will bear the brunt of my parents' old age and I very selfishly I realise now, always lives far away (my parents were very bad to me and I felt -and feel- no guilt for this). I admire the dedication of my partner and his sense of duty towards his parents but my relationship with them is hard often on a very simplistic level it feels like my raison d'être in my 60s will be to serve them. I am aware that this has been the lot of women for hundreds of years and it makes me angry.
I know this is superficial in many ways but I'm sad. Aibu? I need to suck it up. I know. They have that expectation but I do know that it messed with the mind and happiness of my mother-in-law yet she expects me to downgrade she did in the 80s!

I wouldn't like the idea of living my my in laws however not all caring is tedious and horrible.
It can be lovely and rewarding and can sometimes be so worthwhile.
This post and it's responses reflect today's society of " what's in it for me".

I understand that he feels obliged to look after them, but why on Earth do you need to move in with them? If you’re near enough, can’t he pop in twice a day if he’s that concerned. I can’t see how it’s anything to do with you. If my husband asked that of me I’d roll around laughing and say ‘she’s not my mother!’ Not in a million years would I do that, I can’t imagine many women would, unless they were a timid little mouse that felt obliged because they had the dream mother in law.

You sound very low. The darkest hour is just before dawn remember.
It would seem you have made choices that have led you to today. In a new light you may see the positives of having DC around, and the positives of having a DP with a sense of duty towards his loved ones.
I have never been encountered a couple caring for the husband’s parents where the husband did even 10% of the work. My DH cares for his DM where he can, and outsources what he can't. I pop in maybe once a fortnight to arrange flowers or other things just to make her life more pleasant, I'm sure you can do the same. Or make another choice. Who knows how long a couple in poor health already in their 70's will be around? Try not to be catastrophizing the future. You can choose your path.

I would say to my DH how wonderful i think he is for wanting to care for his parents and to make sure he can afford to stop work early enough to do that. And leave it at that.
You are under zero obligation to care for anyone if you don't want to.

I’m 36 and already have undertake caring duties for my MIL and my father both of whom are in their 70s and have health needs, as well as having two kids under 7.
We both look after our parents because we love them and appreciate everything they’ve done for us and they don’t expect us to do anything. But it makes me feel pretty depressed that we have the same caring responsibilities of people 20 plus years older than us and feels like it’s happening to us very early.

Yes to PPs my eldest is now in late 20s, my youngest is only 8. I was looking forward to train travelling round Europe and doing stuff I wanted do after wiping arses for years and working manically at a career.

Yet you chose to have another child at 42, when your eldest was already an adult? You must see a contradiction there. You had choices about the number of children you have, and you now have choices about becoming a carer to your in laws.

There is absolutely no way in God’s earth that I’d move in with my in laws. You don’t have to do this. Dig your heels in.

I’ve cared for my parents, now deceased, there is no way im caring for my husbands parents! My husband was nowhere to be seen when I cared for my terminally I’ll mother, so I’ve told him no way am I doing it for his, it’s all on him!

Well im in same boat as the OP re kids. I had my first at 21, I’m now 54 with a 13 year old.

Neither DH and I have any surviving parents. My mother had dementia and both DH’s parents were very frail. We always treated their care needs as a shared issue and supported each other. Though it never came to moving in with them or them moving in with us.

This.

You will only spend the rest of your life as a career if you choose to be.

I bet my bottom dollar that your DH expects you to do his parents arse wiping rather than him

I don’t think that’s what it is reflecting. To me it shows that women are sick and tired of always being expected to naturally fall in to the unpaid ‘carer’ role and finally feel in a position of equality where they can stand up to these societal pressures and say ‘no.’

My advice would be to not leave any vacuum for parental care to enter. Want to study? Do it. Want to run your own business / learn yoga / get a dog? Do it, as and when the opportunity arises.

When you married him, did you have in mind the expectation that you’d be caring for the parents of the groom? Probably not.

If nothing else, think of the message you are giving your own children, particularly your DD, as they prepare to fly off into the world.

Feel like this at times. Had my first child at 22, then did care work, then did childcare, now have parents who need care and youngest is still only 13. Have been a single parent since she was two. Just feel like I am caring for others all time at home and work. We have a needy cohort at work with SEN and reactive autistic children in the mix that are exhausting. Often think I'm getting too old for it all!

I can see this being me soon and I'm not having it!

I had a childhood that meant I parented my mother, and I bought up my siblings.

I ended up pregnant in my teens and marrying the father. Awful marriage.

Remarried and our child was born with a disability.

I'm now 50 and dh parents are needing our help more and more (his siblings don't do nearly as much as us). And I'm in therapy coz I've been diagnosed with MS!.

It's come to a head recently and I'm just not happy at all. Everyday I wake up scared in case I've relapsed and I can't see or walk. Yet I'm expected to be there for bloody everyone. No one's there for me and I wouldn't want them to be!

Life's too short. I'm putting myself first. For once in my god damn life!

Do what's best your YOU x

I would feel sad too tbh. I had my first at 21, 2nd at 23. They are 15 and 13 now. I'll be 41 when my youngest turns 18. I have made the choice not have any more children exactly because I don't want to spend my whole like caring for children. It can't come as a surprise to you that this was what was going to happen when you chose to have another after a few decades? You say you wanted to travel etc, when you chose to have another child you must have factored that in?

I think it depends on the person

I chose to look after my dad when he was dying but frankly the situation went on a lot longer than I was expecting. And nothing about it was rewarding. If I could turn back time, I'd not do it again. For some reason I thought it was the right thing to do. Nothing to do with being a woman.

it was a terrible time and it aged me.

PS I don't understand when people complain about caring for DC they chose to have.

I agree with this. Grumble a bit.

But you decided to have another child when your older one was grown up

I haven’t read the whole thread as off to bed but feel this on a deep level,

I had DS at 21, he was born severely disabled, and I will no doubt care for him my whole life, it’s crap, because realistically even when I’m not caring for him I will end up caring for DM and DMIL

Totally. It does depend on the person being cared for.

I accept that we are all different, I do it for a living so don't mind it and I do understand the some people can be very difficult.
I also think it's a cultural thing as western countries have more nursing homes and villages and people pay for care but eastern families tend to live and care for each other until the end.

It's the OP's choice but I assume she'll just do it and complain.
Her husband can do it if she doesn't want to.

Well don't. Put them in a care home, visit them often, don't feel bad. They are shitty people if they expect you to give up your life to look after them, no way would either of our parents ever expect us to do this.

By the sounds of it they parents must have a big house. Why don't they sell up and move into a small manageable home, their profit can buy in carers and cleaner etc . Or they could move into a retirement complex.

Very odd the expectation is on you. Your DH should be talking about your future retirement plans etc.
Oddly my in laws told me never to have them move in with us. She cared for her FIL and it was the worst decision she ever made.

OP you need to stay strong on this and don't allow yourself to be drawn into the caring role for your inlaws. You can support your husband, but they are his responsibility.

I am 38 and currently caring for my father (81) who has advanced dementia, as my mother (78) has her own health issues and can't cope on her own - and it is the most difficult thing I've ever had to do. He will need to go into a nursing home in the next few months as it has gotten too much for us to deal with. We are absolutely exhausted and emotionally and physically drained.

I know what you mean about eventually wanting time to yourself, I couldn't imagine dealing with this in 20 years time, I'm actually grateful that my parents had me a bit later in life, as me and my sibling have the energy to cope with what's to come. I would also be resentful if I had to spend my retirement years caring for them.

My mother used to work with a woman who is now almost 70 and still helping to look after her 96 year old mother 😱

You do get to have a say in this OP. You need to speak to dh and have an honest conversation about what you feel you can manage and what you can't. For example caring for them might be fine but doing it while living in your own house and maybe getting home help in a few times a day. Dh needs to be able to listen and compromise with you on this because it's your life too.