To be down that my whole life will be spent 'caring'

[AnuSTart]

In as small a nutshell as I can manage;

I'm 50. It'll be 10 years before my youngest leaves home (at the very minimum). My DPs parents are in early 70s and not in good health. His expectation is that we move in with them in next 5-10 years and will look after them as they did with his grandparents. In same house no less.
I've just realised that I've spent my whole adult life caring for others (was a mum at 21) and will continue until I'm too old to do anything else- assuming we look after his parents.
It makes me utterly down.
I have siblings who will bear the brunt of my parents' old age and I very selfishly I realise now, always lives far away (my parents were very bad to me and I felt -and feel- no guilt for this). I admire the dedication of my partner and his sense of duty towards his parents but my relationship with them is hard often on a very simplistic level it feels like my raison d'être in my 60s will be to serve them. I am aware that this has been the lot of women for hundreds of years and it makes me angry.
I know this is superficial in many ways but I'm sad. Aibu? I need to suck it up. I know. They have that expectation but I do know that it messed with the mind and happiness of my mother-in-law yet she expects me to downgrade she did in the 80s!

Do you work full time? If not I'd start now and tell your husband you can't possibly care for his parents and that that will be his job.

You seem to be placing a huge amount of pressure on being a dutiful wife when I doubt that has ever been something you’ve wanted to be. When you were little growing up what did you want to be? A servant to your husband and his wishes? I doubt it. If he kicks up a fuss just tell him caring for the elderly has never been one of your life’s ambitions.

Nice of him to assume you'll look after his parents. you have t have to talk noone should have to do it if they dont want to

Surely, it's not an all or nothing. There is a world of difference between taking on caring responsibilities and supporting your husband. If you said you weren't going to lift a finger for your ILs that would be selfish. It's not selfish to say you will support your husband but the responsibility and grunt work and care work will firmly be at his door. Have you even spoken to him? Does he expect caring to be his or your responsibility. Find out and go from there.

Dont do it.

i imagine he will in fact expect you to do almost all of the actual caring for his parents

fuck that.

get your financial independence sorted and crack on moving the life you want to

I do work FT. In very demanding job- as does DH. He hadn't assumed I will do a lot I just know that realistically, if I let it happen, it will be me.
As @iRun2eatCake has said I need to not be such a wet blanket, but I do think it may be critical in my relationship in the future. I think he will prioritise his parents. He prioritises them over his own happiness sometimes. They do come before me. I'm only seeing this now. Damn I feel so sad right now.

I don't dislike them. They are ok people. His mum is kind. We live about 400km away from them so only see them on occasional weekends. But the thought of living with them fills me with dread.

400km away? So that means you'd both have to leave your jobs, your life and friends etc. Don't do it.

His expectation is that we move in with them in next 5-10 years and will look after them as they did with his grandparents

He can expect all he likes. You don't have to agree to move in or do any of the caring. If you don't want to do it, tell him you're not doing it. They can have carers in or go into a care home like other elderly people do. But if he wants to do it let him crack on.

Do you do 100% of the childcare? It sounds like you don't feel you are ever going to get a break. Take some time off, let dh do some solo childcare as a practise for the PIL years. And if he suggests moving in with them just say no. He can't tell you what to do with your life.

😬🤮💩🙀☝

I think you can get out of this by saying you have to maintain the family home for your youngest. They might be off to uni but they will likely be back after. It’s a lot of change to leave for uni and your parents sell up straight away. That should buy you a good extra half decade.

Not wanting to be a carer for your PIL is not selfish. It does not make you a bad person. Your DH is free to make his own choices, and if that includes moving into his parents to care for them, that's up to him. But what he wants is not more important than what you want.

There's standing up for your right to decide for yourself, a and there's a financial opportunity to consider - if their house is put into your names, if you can rent out your current home, it could be a move that makes sense for everybody.
Don't let people put you off without considering how it could benefit you and your family.

I absolutely would not do this, I wouldn’t move in and wouldn’t be their carer. My involvement would be visits only. They can have carers.

I know someone that had barely finished bringing up her children when she became her parents carer whilst was also working. She was constantly under stress, always rushing, her blood pressure was sky high, she never had chance to eat properly and ended up having a life changing stroke. She needed more care than her parents and died before them. Who knows, if she had an easier life, she might still be here to enjoy life and her kids might have had their mum as they were only young adults when she died.

By the time our oldest is 18, we’ll be late 40s. My kids have a home with us for life but we have plans that do not involve spending 24/7 caring for anyone. Thankfully my partner thinks the same and it would be his parents that would need help, I definitely think they’ll expect it but we’ve been very clear. I would only ever do that for my children. I’ve told my kids they will never be expected to care for us in our old age and that they must live their life and take all opportunities.

Put your foot down. You deserve some time to do what you want to do. Bring a career for a parent can ruin relationships anyway, you’re no longer just family, the dynamic changes, you’re more like an employee. Clean this, cook that, fetch this.

No you should not do this atall, and dont feel guilty.Today's generation live a much longer life, mostly kept alive by drugs, when their bodies are way past it.My mother in law just passed away, they are wealthy and had private care 24/7, but the past 5 years of her life, she had dementia, had to be toileted etc etc, I think in today's society we are too obsessed with longuevity and not quality of life.As for your husband, I think he should do the caring, and you could possibly have an annexe etc but that would be a big upheaval.Personally I would not do it, especially as you have not had the best relationship with your in laws.It sounds like you need to have a long talk with your DH and spell it out, give him an ultimatum, its you or them, and stick to it.Tell him you have plans to travel etc, good luck

There isn't enough money in the world that would make any sane person do that. Have you rental property 400 km away?

Right!! So you are in a great position that you have a good insight as to what could happen if you let it....

Therefore don't let it!!!

Some women don't have that pre-warning and slip slowly into being the general dogsbody whilst the penis holder continues his lovely life.

This does not have to be you..... but only you can make that happen.

You can do this!!

Your right, life is too short. Please put yourself first. Time for DH siblings to help their parents. You have MS and a disabled child - time to say no, tell the family you got to look after yourself or they will have to look after you!

Good luck..

So op should consider wiping old people's arses every day for god knows how long just because they might be financially better off? Fuck that

Having no life outside caring for my suspected ASD DS and work, and having worked with carers of people with dementia, it can sometimes be very hard to have a life outside caring.

I have many interests, I get no time to do any of them, I have no social life and nobody to go out with except DH and my DM.

I feel this way too.
I'm nearly 50 OP and there is just no way I would be a carer for DH's parents.

You're an adult. Stop sulking and drooping and stand up and speak up.

Tell him it's time for a clear conversation and tell him what you've told us (you've practiced here).

It's lovely he is able to have the kind of relationship where he wants to help them - but expecting you to be sucked into the family pattern of dedicating your middle age to their old age isn't fair. You didn't sign up to be an unpaid carer for someone else's parents in someone else's home.

You are ten years younger than I am. My last ten years I've done more than I did the previous twenty five. You have shedloads of life to enjoy, be fulfilled, to grow, to create.

It's time they and he and any siblings started researching care options, at home or in sheltered accommodation etc. This is something you can be helpful with because it will have good outcomes - professional and appropriate care by dedicated people who actually want to do this.

It's possible to Be Kind - and still say no.

(Have I mumsnetted right?)

Do this

Soon after my FiL died (sudden cardiac arrest) DH mentioned in passing that his mother would move in with us when she needed care. Now I loved my MiL and she was lovely, but I had no intention of being her carer (because I knew it would fall to me) nor of giving up my retirement dreams. I saw what caring for her parents had done to my mother, and by extension, to my dad. I put my foot down and said that none of our parents would be moving in, that 'arrangements would have to be made'.

Luckily, my parents had already told my siblings & I that they had made financial provision for their old age that would enable them to either hire carers or move into senior accommodations. Mum had no intention of tying any of us down as happened to her and she told us so.

It is not to say that those of us who don't want to be carers don't love our parents. We're happy to help out and to oversee their finances and their senior care when they are no longer capable. My Dbro and I watched over our mum for 13 years during her increasing dementia. When she could no longer live independently, we chose the very best care home she could afford and visited frequently. We saw that she had everything she needed. Because that's the way she wanted it. I feel the same way about my kids. I don't want them to be my full time carers. Just keep an eye on me and when you see I can't manage on my own, help me find a safe and kind place where I'll be looked after.

Agree with other posters that this is entirely your choice to make. You are not expected by society / filial piety / anyone to be a carer to your husband's parents.

Rather a grim point to make, but people already in poor health by their early 70s have a good chance of not surviving for another 5-10 years anyway. Especially with the NHS in its current state. They may need caring for much sooner than that or, depending on their conditions, pass away suddenly.